Doesn't rise to level of an SOS, but serious craving

[Kate18]

I'm not at risk for going to the store for cigarettes, but I really want to.

H.A.L.T. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. I'm not angry, but I am tense.

I am writing an email to my kids of my wishes in case I am infected and hospitalized with the virus.  I am 70 this year, so at risk of complications and death because of age and history of smoking.

 

NO ventilator, I am telling them. They won't like that. But the data about being ventilated aren't good.

https://www.sciencemag.org/news/2020/04/survivors-severe-covid-19-beating-virus-just-beginning

 

And I'm giving them instructions of how to dispose of my belongings and wrap up my affairs. They won't like this email, but if/when I get sick, I'll be in no condition to communicate this to them. 

They are in their mid-30s, by the way, adults with their own families. 

 

If a crystal ball said I was going to get the virus for sure and wouldn't survive it, I think I might go out and get cigarettes. Or not, I'm not sure. 

This is a really strong craving, lasting for more than an hour already. Quitting is simple, but not easy. Anytime I had unpleasant tasks to do, I'd have a cigarette while I planned how I'd get it done.  I'm missing that right now.

[Paul723]

We don't get to decide all of our future but we do have some control over the present, so focus on what we can do.  What you can do, right now,  is not smoke.  You're in control of that.

[Reciprocity]

I get that part about having a smoke while you plan how to tackle unpleasant tasks but now that I don't smoke, I view that a little differently. I now see that action as a delay mechanism. Go have a smoke so I don't have to deal with the issue head on. I'm much happier now just getting on with things and dealing with them quickly without smokey images clouding my thinking.

Regardless of your situation, deep down inside you know that smoking makes nothing better - nothing! Life with all it's pleasures and challenges is always better as a nonsmoker so carry on Kate!

[jillar]

Sorry you're having a bad day Kate, glad you posted though and I'm hoping by doing so that it helped weaken the crave for you.

Yes, that is not an easy email to read for your kids but if the worse should happen they'll be glad you did let them know this stuff.

Hang in there, and I'm glad your awesome quit is not in jeopardy. Xoxo

[Sazerac]

Keep smokey thoughts away from your free person.

They don't belong to you anymore, they are the voice of an old addiction.

Idiotic and whiny and powerless.

 

Focus your attention on your letter, I have written one similar also.

 

It is poignant and important to face realities,  something that was impossible in the throes of addiction.

 

 

[Doreensfree]

I'm the same age as you Kate .....

I can tell you quitting is the best thing you can ever do for yourself....you will feel so much better health-wise 

I'm doing more now ,than 10 years ago...

Being smoke free is so worth fighting for ...I wish I could let you feel what Freedom really means ..

I carnt ..I can only tell you ...

I too have had the talk with my adult children ...In case the unthinkable should happen ...

But putting your self in harm's way to buy cigarettes is madness....it's putting you at risk for no good reason ..

 

[Kate18]

I needed a break from the internet Covid news and serious email for my children in a worst-case scenario. I took my dog for a walk in the park.

 

It's a beautiful neighborhood park with a woodland trail, sports fields, a basketball court, playground equipment for little tykes, climbing rocks for bigger kids, and picnic areas. Here and there along the 1/3 mile perimeter path are benches to just sit and relax. At the foot of the last bench on our path there was an unsmoked cigarette on the ground that someone apparently dropped accidentally. I am shaking my head about it, because I actually had to reign in an impulse to pick it up, take it home, and smoke it. That's crazy. I would have thought I was beyond that kind of thought. Kind of scares me. Is my self-mind control that weak? 

 

Anyway, we're back home. I have a tension headache. I'm taking a xanax and going to take a nap. Have to break the stressful thoughts I'm having. 

[jillar]

It's totally normal to think about taking that cigarette home this early in your quit Kate. I remember I noticed every.single.cigarette on the ground when I first quit. Thoughts went through my mind about how many puffs were still left on it and how long it had been sitting there. CRAZY I know! 

We smoked a long time Kate so it's going to take much longer than just a month to get past these kinds of thoughts. But at this stage, as you saw, you were able to get past picking it up, it was just a thought. Well done!

We encourage everyone to take the One Year Pledge because we really feel it takes a full year to get past most of the cravings you'll face. Of course unexpected ones will still come up, even for us long time quitters. The beauty of it though is that we can have those thoughts and not have any fear of acting on them  

Have a nice nap and again, well done  

[Boo]

3 hours ago, Kate18 said:

At the foot of the last bench on our path there was an unsmoked cigarette on the ground that someone apparently dropped accidentally. I am shaking my head about it, because I actually had to reign in an impulse to pick it up, take it home, and smoke it. That's crazy. I would have thought I was beyond that kind of thought. Kind of scares me. Is my self-mind control that weak? 

 

Kate, you're putting a lot of unwarranted stress on yourself.  Using words like "crazy" and "weak" to describe your thoughts.  You have committed to a process that forced us all to deal with contradictory thought patterns and differentiate between perception and reality.

 

You thought about smoking, but stayed true to your commitment and didn't smoke.  Give yourself some credit...that's a win.

[Sazerac]

7 hours ago, Kate18 said:

At the foot of the last bench on our path there was an unsmoked cigarette on the ground that someone apparently dropped accidentally. I am shaking my head about it, because I actually had to reign in an impulse to pick it up, take it home, and smoke it. That's crazy. I would have thought I was beyond that kind of thought. Kind of scares me. Is my self-mind control that weak? 

 

Finding Cigarettes

 

and from Joel's post,

Here is a short funny clinic story about unexpectedly finding a cigarette and the reaction it may illicit

Many years ago I had a clinic graduate relate an incident to me.

He had come in the third night of one of my clinics for reinforcement after he had been off for a number of months.

He told me that a couple of days earlier he found himself tempted to have a cigarette.

He was in a men's room at his work where he saw a a single cigarette (his brand) and a lighter sitting on top of the urinal

and all of a sudden thought to himself how tempting it was and how easy it would be to just light the cigarette and take a puff.

I asked him when was the last time he ever saw anything else on a urinal in a men's room that he was somehow tempted to put into his mouth.

At that he smiled and said, "point well taken." He has been fine since that realization.