Just putting it out there

[darcy]

Hello Everyone,

Made it through yesterday with my seat on the train intact.  Wasn't sure that was going to be the case for awhile.

Was in an emotional upheaval and down on myself for not showing up for people how I would hope to if being a kind thoughtful person.  I have a tendency toward self recrimination that is probably diagnosable somehow.  I lean toward hurting myself harder, if I perceive (or know) I have hurt others.  Awareness of the pattern is only helpful sometimes. Yesterday it was not. 

Solution - intentional, aware acts of love and kindness

 

Still have the lingering 'I have already relapsed" in my head.  I have not put anything in my mouth and lit it on fire.....and..... Klaxon bells sounding....faintly

Oddly, I have something tangible to be grateful for around this covid-19 situation.  Should I choose to buy cigarettes, I will be putting vulnerable people in my home in harms way.  See above cycle of guilt and remorse and solution.

 

This drama played out just before and during lunch.  I reluctantly (junkie brain screaming and wheedling....still jumping up and down waving hands or  giving my the sly sideways look of '

you already did it in your head - just run to the gas station before day break....very few people out right now......etc.  me: typing and  la la laing in my head) chose to go to work with my guy and read to him while he worked for the remainder of the day. 

 

When it started it wasn't even a craving.  Just the guilt for how I had treated someone I love in this time of bizarre horror and fear.  It morphed into a HUGE craving [as stressful situations were PREVIOUSLY (take that junkie) always navigated with killing myself one breath at time] and verbal emotional turmoil way beyond the reasonable response to the situation at hand.   it was still hanging with me by the end of the day and I was wiped out.  Still feeling wiped out.

I am certain some of this has to do with circumstances of the world and am grateful I made it through (am I? - shut the  f up junkie) with my seat.

I did not post here because I am not savvy enough to utilize my phone to do it and chose to go with my guy.

Yesterday Doreeen and Sazerac were encouraging me to protect my quit.  Not sure how to do that when I choose to lose it like that.   Any excuse will do...

 

Wobbly, drained and smoke free......

[Jordan7]

Nope, stop.  You didn't lose it, and each time you get through a rough spot your quit will get stronger.  If thinking about running out to get smokes meant you'd already done it, my quit wouldn't have lasted an hour.  You did beautifully so give yourself a good pat on the back and be kind to yourself as well as others.  

[Irene]

Bottom line Darcy....you kept your quit and that makes me happy....I had countless thoughts of buying smokes or bumming them....I didnt.  glad you still here

[Paul723]

Smoking will never solve any problem.  It's not an option.  You did well to use your rational brain to see through the lies your junkie brain was giving you.

[Sazerac]

Reward yourself HUGELY for conquering yesterday !  You Quit Smoking and stuck to your commitment to NOPE.

 

I am SO friggin' proud of you !  I know this wasn't easy but, look !  You have come out a FREE, strong, woman.

 

You don't fail because you want to smoke, this is addiction.  You fail when you smoke.

 

You might want to start a blog.  Your experience can help many.  

 

Eleven days nicotine free.  You are a hero to yourself and to all of us.  Get some rest.  Pamper yourself in some way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sazerac]

The nicotine addict often feels powerless but, they are not.

 

These videos from Joel Spitzer, especially the second part of both, may resonate.

 

I'm Just Too Weak To Quit Smoking  

 

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

[Irene]

Was supposed to be a like but a thanks will do....as it would be helpful to a lot of people including myself ...

Darcy perhaps the one you didnt mean to hurt, will cut you some slack, as firstly, you are early in your quit with emotions all over the show and 2nd...as mentioned...these are trying times that  we are all trying to get through....I know I would

[jillar]

3 hours ago, darcy said:

Yesterday Doreeen and Sazerac were encouraging me to protect my quit.  Not sure how to do that when I choose to lose it like that.   Any excuse will do

I

Oh but you did protect your quit Darcy because you're still smoke free! Well done

[Doreensfree]

When I was new in my quit ..I remember a wise Elder saying to me ...

Doreen ....it's ok to wobble ....just make sure you don't fall over ....this helped me alot ...

Darcy...you wobbled ...but YOU DIDNT FALL OVER......way to go !!!!

[Boo]

7 hours ago, darcy said:

Still have the lingering 'I have already relapsed" in my head.  I have not put anything in my mouth and lit it on fire.

 

Perception and reality have a weird relationship as it is.  Throw in the fact that our perception was altered by our addiction and things can get a little wacky.

 

The reality is: you didn't smoke.  You're good to go.

 

With time, perception will better align with reality.  Until then, stay firmly rooted in reality and detach yourself from any self-defeating perceptions.

[garry mhudson]

You have done good. Be proud of yourself. the next time you crave you will only be stronger to fight it off again. Soon it will seem like a bad dream. If you smoke, you will only have another big problem to face. One that has terrible effects on your health. Stay strong and pat yourself on the back. better days are ahead. best wishes.

[darcy]

Thanks to all for the reality doses.  hope your day has brought many belly laughs and unexpected opportunities to shine.