What to do when people undermine my quit?

[Ankush]

Hi all, as the title shows, I need advice on what to do when people undermine my quit. This happens every damn day and every time my quit is undermined, I get a crave for a cigarette, and I also go into a furious rage. I have worked hard to keep my quit going, and its very distressing that my quit is undermined on a daily basis. What should I do? Btw, still staying quit, not taken a single puff since the day I quit smoking. The last few days have been terrible. Thanks...

[MLMR]

Hey there Ankush, in what way are people undermining your quit? Do they literally and deliberately say, 'go smoke!' Or, 'you are better off smoking anyway!' ... Something like that? Or is it more in a subtle way and sometimes maybe without intention? And that its your addicted brain that interprets it as undermining, while in reality no one can be blamed, not even your brain because it does what its supposed to do?

 

Either way, you seem to deal with it the right way. By not lightening up and learning yourself to deal with irritating situations in a different way. 

 

A brilliant person here once told me to always carry glitter. When annoyed by someone... throw that stuff in the air and walk off, chin up! (And tits, if you have 'm). 

 

Edited July 24, 2019 by MLMR

[Reciprocity]

Not sure how people are "undermining you quit" but if you find that whatever they are saying to you upsets you, log on here. You know there's a ton  of people here of the same mindset as you and all of us have nothing but the utmost of respect for ALL quitters. You can always get your mental batteries recharged here. 

Are these people X-smokers? If not, they don't know sh*t so just ignore them.

[Eight-Toe Joe]

Ignore them. Smile.Come here. And continue to kick-ass !
    

[Ankush]

@MLMR No they're not telling me to go smoke, although on one occasion (I think a week and a half ago), I confessed to my mom that I was tempted to go by a cigarette, and all she could tell me was that I have a sick mind and should just go back to smoking. When I quit smoking, I had specifically told her not tell me such things if at some point I got so distressed and told her that I wanted to smoke, but she said it to me anyways. @reciprocity Its the wrong done to me that upsets me. I don't know if they are ex-smokers or current smokers or never smokers (mom is definitely a never smoker though).

@Eight-Toe Joe Your advice made me smile. Thank you

Edited July 24, 2019 by Ankush

[Mee]

Ankush, sounds like your mom most likely always does a number on your self esteem.  She is definitely not a loving, supportive parent.  You are not quitting smoking for her or any of these other people who are undermining you.  You are quitting for you.  

I can tell you that, when I quit, I was taking care of two very unloving parents, who could do a real job on my self esteem.  Due to their age and health, I was going out of my way to accommodate them.  I allowed them to use me and emotionally abuse me.  During my quit journey, I finally realized the strong person I was.  I take care of me first and I do not let them control me anymore.

What your are doing right now is outstanding.  You are quitting an addiction, which is not an easy feat.  Be proud of yourself and do not let anyone undermine that. Everyday you avoid those cigarettes you are gaining so much power and control over you life.  You will find that those people will no longer be able to control your feelings.

 

[Ankush]

41 minutes ago, Linda Thomas said:

sounds like your mom most likely always does a number on your self esteem

That's true, and she's not the only one who does it. The more I fight back and prevent my mom and anybody else from controlling my life and effing up my confidence and self-esteem, the more they try it. It can be really annoying. Always encroaching on my time and violating boundaries I set. I try my best not to let this happen (the encroaching on my time and violating my boundaries), but it still does.

[Mee]

Sweetie, only you can let them to do that.  With my family, it was their way or the highway.  If I tried to stand up for myself, they would cut me off.  I spent my lifetime trying to prove what a wonderful person I was.  That was a lot of wasted time because they were not going to change.  If setting boundaries means the loss of them in your life, then that is best for you.  You deserved to be loved and respected.  

[Ankush]

@Linda Thomas But I don't let them do that, I don't let them do that by fighting back and they do it more and more (like little immature children, one would think they had common sense to behave their age) and then I fight back more and I'm stuck in a circle. Somehow, in their eyes, I always come out the a***ole. I'm not perfect and I've done some things I regret, but I'm not a completely bad person. I know there is a good side to me. I do not want to lose anymore people from my life, I've already lost all my friends and most family members (which I never wanted, but was forced to cut off from them). The only people I now have in my life are my immediate family (mom, dad, brother and sister, 3 dogs), I cannot afford to lose them too, it would be too painful. My family has pretty much set that condition on my life too, its their way or the highway, considering that I've been wronged in so many ways, I'm not going to do things their way ever, so its the highway, and continuing to live under the same roofs nevertheless.

Edited July 24, 2019 by Ankush

[Sazerac]

This video may help answer your question

 

 

Listen to @Linda Thomas, she has this experience with her parents.

I am so sorry you are going through this too.

Please, continue to believe in yourself.

You do not deserve to be abused.

Remove yourself as much as possible from their sphere,

you can have a free life, a peaceful life, an enriched life.

I know I found people outside my family for support and appropriate love and care

when my family gave me short shrift.  Now my support network is worldwide !

Take good care of yourself and your quit.

You are winning and your self confidence and trust in yourself will continue to flourish.

Edited July 24, 2019 by Sazerac

[Ankush]

@Sazerac but they're my family, I cannot just remove them. While severely lacking in emotional and moral support, they have given me support (financially) in other ways as normal families would. I've tried so much to be independent of them financially, so that I could stand on my own two feet, do what I wanted to with my life and support them (family) back. My parents are after all in their 60s. I thought I had my emotional and moral support (through friends and other family members) and just good times, outside my immediate family, but it turned out they were just in cahoots with my family as well. I wish I had that self-confidence, it comes and goes.

 

Thank you for your replies one and all. I have often thought, I'll just have one cigarette and be done with smoking forever to calm my nerves, but I know that's not a good way of thinking, and that's only going to lead to the same 3 - 4 cigarettes a day, which I don't want. So, rest assured, as much as smoking monster tries to get me back, I won't let it.

[notsmokinjo]

58 minutes ago, Ankush said:

I know there is a good side to me.

 

We do too mate. You're still pretty new in your quit and there you are welcoming every newbie, looking out for everyone else, sharing your thoughts, support, opponions in an open and courteous way. You my friend, are a bloody good egg.  You have immense value. You deserve respect because you certainly show it. 

 

Now, when we give up smoking some of us don't have to just deal with cravings. Some of us get to face all those insecurities and hurts we have had programmed into us since we were kids. Why, because while we smoked we programmed part of our brain to think that smoking made it all feel better...our brains learnt that when we felt worthless and useless (usually by the people who shouldn't make us feel that way) we'd have a smoke, when your mum would make you feel like shit you'd go have a smoke...so of course those are the buttons our addiction will push in its dying efforts to get you to throw away your quit. You should be proud of yourself for staying true, this is a hard stage, I've been there and it passes.

 

So, on to the family dynamic, especially your mum, here is a thought that helps me cope at times, how sad and miserable must their lives be that they need to get their own happiness by causing someone else's sadness. That is truely sad. People who need to make others feel worthless to make themselves feel superior deserve our pity. 

 

You are very much wanted, you are very much worthwhile, and warts and all (even though you keep saying you have them I amyet to see evidence of) we know you are more than just a person with some good. There is a shit load of good in you.

 

We all have things in our pasts we regret, but it's in the past, you can't change it, you can't undo it....all you can go is move forward and try not to repeat it.

Edited July 24, 2019 by notsmokinjo

[Ankush]

@notsmokinjo Thank you for your kind thoughts. Just one question though, when you say "warts", do you literally mean warts or do you mean "having a negative side", not sure.

[jillar]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this Ankush. This early in your quit everything is amplified. Hopefully as you progress you will find yourself like Linda did and start to realise your self worth. Hugs to you kiddo, xoxo

Edited July 24, 2019 by jillar

[Ankush]

Thank you @jillar, thank you very much

[Sazerac]

Hold tight to your quit, Ankush. This is paramount.

You are doing great !

 

Stay vigilant and keep doubts about smoking away.

You are still in the early stages of your quit and must protect it fiercely.

Remember Cristóbal's, YOUR QUIT & YOUR LIFE - THE PROPER SEQUENCE

 

You will get stronger and stronger, you must believe us.

As time goes by, your self confidence and self esteem will bring goodness into your life.

 

[Ankush]

Thank you @Sazerac but I already think I'm strong enough, and I don't think I need to be any stronger. Its not easy. When I was young (a teenager and even in my early 20s) my mom used to always tell me "You're not strong, you're not strong, you're weak", so while I know you mean well, please don't tell me I need to be stronger. I'm 38 now and still I hear that "Be stronger". How long must I wait till my life becomes better and I live it on my own terms with no hindrance whatsoever and how much stronger am I supposed to be. I'm also on psychiatric medication, all psychiatrists I've across only want to pump my brain with useless medication. I'm trying to cut down on psychiatric medication as well. I do not even trust my psychiatrists. I'm mentally tired. I've tried so many times to live life on my own terms and on so many occasions to improve my life, it sucks not having any income from the past 2 and a half+ years as well. Although, it has been difficult with so much going on, to accurately define for myself what my terms of my life should be. I have however, reached a list of my terms. But yes, thank you for that link. Its helpful.

Edited July 24, 2019 by Ankush

[Sazerac]

22 minutes ago, Ankush said:

please don't tell me I need to be stronger.

 

Ankush, I am not telling you that you need to be stronger.

Nor, am I intimating that you are weak in any way.

You are a hero to yourself (and us !) for quitting smoking and holding fast to your quit.

I am only saying that after quitting smoking

self confidence builds naturally to give us more strength that we realize.

[Ankush]

@Sazerac OK, thank you for the clarification...

[Boo]

You have no responsibility to take anyone else's opinion to heart...even family members.

 

Let 'em call you weak, just remember that you are strong.

 

Be relentless with the commitment you have made to yourself and you will be immune from external criticism.

 

10 hours ago, Ankush said:

 Btw, still staying quit, not taken a single puff since the day I quit smoking.

 

Good job Ankush.  Onward and upward.

[Doreensfree]

Aww I'm sorry your dealing with all this ...it's a shame ...I tell my kids how wonderful they are every day !!!

But look how strong you are ...your fighting this horrible addiction with every thing you've got ...

I say that something to be very proud of...

You will get all the support you need ...right here ...

[notsmokinjo]

8 hours ago, Ankush said:

@notsmokinjo Thank you for your kind thoughts. Just one question though, when you say "warts", do you literally mean warts or do you mean "having a negative side", not sure.

Wasn't ignoring you, I took a tablet to get some sleep. It's just a figure of speech...like having a negative side not actual warts.... But even that seems a little harsh....basically it means we like you just the way you are. 

I didn't  mean you have negatives .... Just meant you are who you are and that's fine with us. 

Sometimes I forget that the rest of the world didn't grow up speaking in idioms and slang. Always happy to translate my gibberish.

Edited July 24, 2019 by notsmokinjo

[notsmokinjo]

Oh mate...trust me it gets better...when we quit it can play havoc with medications, especially mental health ones. Quitting can also effect how our endocrine system works, which often effects our mental health too. I'm only a few years older than you and I know I still deal with issues caused by my mum and her words and actions. I know at the moment you don't trust your psychiatrist and you want to be off the meds, I get it, I really do, but please remember that many people need to have their medications changed when they quit. It plays that much with how our body and mind works. Please don't just stop your meds. You have a whole train of people here who think Ankush is a pretty top bloke. Stay safe my friend.

[Sazerac]

 

[notsmokinjo]

Ok story time: 

Last week, and i have been quit a while now....

Mum: Aren't you going out for a smoke.

Me: *deep breath and sigh.*

My kid: Grandma you know mum doesn't smoke anymore.

Mum: and you should know it won't last she will fail at that. Your mum is useless. Besides she was much nicer when she smoked and she is getting fatter she should smoke.

 

Did I loose my shit: NOPE

Did I storm out: NOPE

Did I cry: NOPE....well maybe a little bit on the inside.

Did the little girl in me who still wants this woman to just accept me as I am want to go and have a smoke...hell to the NOPE!!!

 

So your original post you asked for suggestions of what to do... this is what I did....

1. I rolled my eyes (which triggered a whole rant to the kid about how rude her mum is and she shouldn't be like that) .... Don't do that...don't roll ya eyes, well maybe but only if noone nasty can see.

2. I took a big, deep breath in and out.

3. I counted to 10 in English, Italian,  French and Japanese in my my head 

4. I reminded myself that there is something fundamentally wrong with the woman, that is not my fault but because I am such a strong, amazing person she uses me to try and make herself feel better.

5. I said nothing and went back to the conversation with everyone else there as if nothing was said....this gave her fire no oxygen to burn.

 

Sure it hurts but the options are cut her out and loose my family because I know who's side they will fall on or pity her, which takes away a lot of the hurt...how can someone worthy of your pity hurt you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 24, 2019 by notsmokinjo