back again

[Jordan7]

Thinking of you, @hellkatbaby, and as you would say "DONT EVER GIVE UP! YOU ARE MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!" 

 

Also, huge congratulations to you on your almost 2-week-old quit!

 

 

[hellkatbaby]

14 hours ago, jillar said:

Thank you for keeping us updated hellkat. I wanted to share with you that years ago, at least 20 now, a client of mine also got fitted for a Deadpool mask although at the time there was no Deadpool and I can't for the life of me remember what she called hers. Anyway, she too had very localized radiation treatments which were successful and she lived well into her late 80's. And cancer treatments were nowhere near as advanced as they are today.

Keep those awesome positive thoughts, you will conquer this  

 

Thank you Jillar! those are the stories I like to hear because trust me I plan to be that 80+ year old lady. As my Dr. mentioned they know more this year than last year with all their studies. And Cancer is now a word, not a sentence! 

 

14 hours ago, Linda Thomas said:

Hellkatbaby, I am so glad you are posting your feelings and experiences.  We are not just quitters, we are the heroes of our own stories. Many of us have had to deal with divorces. family problems, money issues and health issues.  How we accept and embrace the difficulties that come with these things can make such a difference on the outcome.  You are being a real champion.  

I so related to your post today.  I had to do radiation for breast cancer.  I remember well that first day I went to set up my radiation sessions.  I was so afraid of the unknown.  The technicians went about their business of setting me up but not really explaining each procedure.  I was so shocked when they strapped me to the table and tattooed a mark for the light to line up with. 

My sessions also took no more than 15 minutes.  They went for every day during 6 weeks.  

In the beginning I did notice others around me but, after a while, I just concentrated on myself.  So far my treatments have been successful.  

Stay positive and know that we are praying for you.  They have made so many advances in these areas and the outcomes are so positive.

Keep posting and we are here for you!

Linda    

 

We truly are the heroes of our own stories and I've been about through all you mentioned - divorce, family, money and now health. Somehow each one made me stronger and wiser in their own way. But I always took the lessons in stride - kept the good and tossed the trash. Life can really slam you to floor sometimes and that's when you pick yourself up, shake it all off, look it in the eye and say - LETS DANCE! I'm so glad your treatments have been successful!! And you are right there are times no matter the distractions around you - you just have to concentrate on yourself as I'm learning to do. 

 

I want to thank everyone again for their encouragement and words of wisdom and advice - it truly does wonders for the mind and soul!

[hellkatbaby]

Well at least I got to sleep a little bit more tonight - made it until 2:30 vs 12:30 lol. Two extra hours but that's ok. The more my mind is clearing I'm realizing I'm kicking quite a few habits at once and they may be contributing to the whole re-wiring of the new normal and just waking up for no reason when before it would be to wake up and smoke, stumble back to bed and then back to sleep. Prior to all this I had been lowering my caffeine intake and drinking more water and learning how to deal with my anxiety more naturally - regardless I feel really good!

 

Today was a great day! I got to have a dinner date with my son - just the two of us!  And boy did we eat lol. I think both our eyes were bigger than our stomachs, by the time we left we were stuffed to the gills. But I loved that we could just sit and NOT talk about the elephant in the room and just laugh. I must say I'm really proud of the young man he's turned into. And as I've mentioned before he really is my heart and soul. There's this one girl he's been on and off with lately and she's moving to Chicago and wants him to go with her - telling him there are plenty of jobs there for him. But he's a smart cookie and realized the fact that he even had to stop and think about it gave him his answer. He's only 25 and just made GM at his work, he's not ready to settle down quite yet and isn't one for a long distance relationship. He has much bigger plans ahead for his future - He wants to be his own boss with his own company and I really believe with his drive he will make it happen. Very proud mamma moment!! 

 

My sister has been running a fever since yesterday and her birthday is in 3 days and she has no insurance. I told my mom by Monday if she is not better we are getting her to the acute care center and get her whatever it is she needs so she's back at the top of her game - she is my hang out buddy, my pick me upper, my motivator and my Netflix and chill soul sister. I cant have her sick!!

 

And then there are the unspoken members of my team - I have a Rottie and a Mastiff. Tank and Luna - just big old love bugs. While neither are certified therapy dogs they've been a part of the pack for so long they just know what to do and when by nature. Whether it's to just follow me room to room as I putz or to simply lay at my feet as I rest or just there for hugs and kisses and of course to see what falls out of my sandwiches so they can gobble it up lol - they are the best and I wouldn't trade them for the world!

 

Took all the stress off this afternoon by paying up the bills ahead of time just in case I happened to forget that way no stone is left unturned. Just dotting the I's and crossing my T's.  And now I'm rambling....yup 5 AM - geez - might as well see if I can get in a few hours sleep while I can. 

 

I hope everyone has a great weekend!! Remember NOPE!!! Not today - not ever!! 

 

 

 

 

[Ankush]

@hellkatbaby Hope your sister recovers soon. Have a great weekend!!!

[Mee]

Hellkatbaby, I so love your attitude.  You are a real trooper.  You do sound so blessed with family to help you through. 

I am so glad you have those big babies.  I always find they are very sensitive to  feelings and emotions.  They always know how to give the healing love.  We have three!

Two white golden retrievers and a golden doodle.  We were not planning on three but the one golden turned out to have a heart defect and the breeder would only give us a refund if we gave back the dog.  I was so afraid he would put her down, I could not do that.  My husband gave him a hard time so he offered another dog.  He thought that was just wonderful but boy do we have our hands full now.  

I also have a special son, he is also single.  He is 39 and had his heart broken years ago.  He seems to like the single life now.  My husband and I often talk about moving to a warmer climate, for retirement, but can't leave our son.  He loves to pop in and throw dinner on the grill.  We love his company.

Your sister should probably see a doctor.  The flu this year has been awful.  I do the flu shot but they say it did not cover what was out there.

Keep rocking that quit. Now is the time to concentrate on your health.  

Prayers to you everyday.  That positive attitude is such a blessing.  

Linda

[Jordan7]

Sounds as if you're on my normal (non)sleep schedule.  Not fun.  What a wonderful family you have, but keep some distance from your sister or wear a mask around her while she's sick.  I know you want to help her but don't take the chance of catching something and having to postpone treatment.  And give Tank and Luna an extra cookie from me.  

[hellkatbaby]

20 hours ago, Jordan7 said:

Sounds as if you're on my normal (non)sleep schedule.  Not fun.  What a wonderful family you have, but keep some distance from your sister or wear a mask around her while she's sick.  I know you want to help her but don't take the chance of catching something and having to postpone treatment.  And give Tank and Luna an extra cookie from me.  

 

Yea that sleep thing is starting to get old - though I will say it's getting better. It's just odd not working and having no set routine at the moment. I kept forgetting yesterday was a Saturday as things still tend to merge. But Since my BF returns to work tomorrow a whole new normal will fall in order and then maybe things will start to fall into place better for me.

 

I'll do better than a cookie for Tank and Luna and give them a nice rib bone for you! About once a month my neighbor will bring them a huge bag of ribs and boy do they know when she's coming! 

 

I did tell my sister that it was not a good idea her to be around me right now, especially since it seems to be sweeping through her household at the moment. That the best way she could help me was to take care of herself 1st and foremost. 

 

Yesterday was a mixed bag of stress! Woke up to find our A/C unit had froze up in the middle of the night. And let me tell you Fl. is NOT the place to be with out A/C - even in the winter lol! They were able to come out and get her kick started so things are nice and cool again but we decided to have them just come out this Monday and replace the whole unit inside and out. This is no time to second guess or play around. I knew it was an older model but when he said it was from 1994 there was no question this was something that needed to be invested in ASAP - especially given everything else going on. We're going to have them do new duct work as well - I don't even want to know what's lurking up in there. 

 

But I'm still feeling good, physically and mentally - everyday I get a bit more accomplished and it makes such a huge difference in so many ways! To walk into the bathroom and not find the counters overrun with make up and make up dust, and hair ties and just crap falling off the counters to the floor because it was so darned cluttered! Each room has only what it needs now - easy peasy simplified! I guess it is true when they say clean house/clean mind! 

 

And no big plans for today aside of him cleaning the floors - the last of the last great chores for this week. I'll be hiding in the den with some movies and snacks from that part due to all the bleaching involved. And speaking of snacks and food OMG I feel so guilty all the eating I'm doing!! I know that I need it and that's part of the job the steroids are supposed to do but also not smoking I'm afraid I may be over indulging just a tad lol. But have been making the choice not to just dig into whatever is quick and easy and unhealthy. But it's almost like being pregnant. And it's saying FEED ME!! Ppeanut butter and banana's! Homemade grilled chicken salads, oatmeal or bacon, egg and cheese for breakfast - and sometimes BOTH! I was never really much of a 3 meal a day person and now I'm a good 5 meal a day and then some! Last night was spaghetti and meatballs - mmmm. I'm drooling already lol!

 

 

 

[jillar]

I'm drooling too hellkat lol. Love how productive you are. When I quit I was so tired and exhausted I didn't do much of anything... Yes, get a ticker for your signature. We have a tab at the top to make one. I loved watching all the time, money and cigs not smoked add up. Still do

[Martian5]

Good going HellKat.  As to the food do not worry about it too much in the early stages of your quit, my doctor told me to concentrate on the quitting of cigarettes.  Yes I did gain weight the first few months but now I am almost back to the my weight at the time of quitting.  Relax you deserve it!!!

[Doreensfree]

I agree....great going H !!!!

Yes one thing at a time....quit first ..weight later ....

[Jordan7]

I agree with Jillar that your productivity is impressive.  You've done more in the first week of your quit than I did in the first year of mine, but I'm with you on the less clutter is a very good thing part. So glad that the sleep issues are improving, and yay for rib bones and happy dogs!

[greenlight]

@hellkatbaby I've not had a chance to be on here for a while so I come in late to this but I've just read all your posts and I just want to say (echo what everyone else has already said really) that you are an absolute superstar! What a cracking attitude, I think everyone should take a leaf out of your book. Thank you so much for sharing. 

[hellkatbaby]

Thanks everyone! I'm trying to stay as productive as possible knowing what's ahead and the days that wont be so productive that way I'm not so behind the 8 ball as they say. Because I have that PET scan for my back coming up Tuesday,  today was an easy day for me as instructed no over doing it for the next 48hrs - just 'normal' activity. I have to say it was hard not to dive in so I just kept busy with wiping things down lol - over and over lol! Tables, chairs, lamps - it didn't matter just as long as I wasn't sitting still! 

 

I've also been doing research on my upcoming treatment and the effects that come with it. It's overwhelming to say the least. But being mentally prepared is key. And I have to take the information in small doses, jot down some notes, walk away and decompress then come back and take in some more. Short term memory could be an issue, the slowing down of my thought pattern itself terrifies me. And while it's a side effect vs something that is permanent it's recommended rather than trying to do or learn new things that may totally throw off my normal routine and just cause more confusion or anxiety it's best that I hone in on what I already know only to do it better! Just nice, steady and productive. Whew - just typing that out makes my head spin. But in basic terms - keep it simple!!

 

I've also been reading up on healthy eating specific to my treatment and diagnosis. While I know things like my overall lifestyle diet need to change it's not something that is going to happen overnight. I grew up on southern fried everything so this part will be interesting. I plan to be careful and not just dash off to the store for superfoods that I know nothing about. But I did find that again 'simple' things like adding fish to my diet, how to interchange lowering the red meats, nixing the processed foods and balancing it out with other types of better nutrition like beans and whole grains, nuts etc. even hummus (gotta love hummus - mmmm). Things I plan to incorporate into my diet during the process a little at a time and just be smart about it. Again so much to learn - but it's all good things! 

 

Tomorrow my BF goes back to work and he needs to - he needs to get back to 'his' normal. My mom is chomping at the bits to come over, it's been almost a week? But I'm really glad she is  I'm don't want to be alone all day at least not yet.  We can head off to Wally-world and just walk around since it's soooo hot outside. She's been wanting to get more active so we'll do it together.  

 

In the meantime I plan to keep up to date with my journey,  it's therapy for the mind and hopefully helpful to those who are at whatever point they are at in their quit - to never give up! NOPE!

 

[Diane R]

Hellkatbaby you are right about no a/c in Florida especially south Florida. Live in Florida as well. You are a true fighter. And what a great attitude you have towards your condition. I wish you god speed in your treatments and recovery.

[hellkatbaby]

Looks like some sleep found me last night. At least until 4ish AM. But hey I'll take what I can get at this point. Yesterday was an upside down day for me and had me back into the deer in the headlights stage at moments. The morning started fine. J (my BF) went back to work and I started my morning after he left by taking care of me. A nice long shower and shampoo. Trimming my nails down etc. the small but important things so to speak.  By 7am I was boiling all the silverware lol. Just again all that unfiltered energy and trying to do something productive with it. The plan for the day was supposed to be nice and simple. My mom got here around 10ish and we were only planning to head to a few stores that are literally blocks away from me before the A/C guys were to show up.

 

Needless to say what should have taken no more than an hour turned into a 3hr journey due to all the calls in between and while in the store. They came flooding in like the fast and the furious as soon as we hit the store.  Having to stop and break out pen and paper to jot things down on the back of a grocery list was not quite ideal - but we made due.  The 1st call was to cancel my PET scan as my ins. denied it. However I almost expected that part because I work for the very co. that is providing my ins. and I know how the game is played with certain things. DENY up front just because, then wait for more medical records and then finally approve. Ins is not a charity but a business 1st a foremost - period! And this is why it's so important for people to empower themselves by becoming their own patient advocates and knowing their policies inside and out as much as possible. Just because they say no were not going to approve this or that test does not really mean NO. It means you hound them and you have your Dr's hound them and pound them with clinical policies etc. until they finally approve. It's a messed up game but one I see on a daily basis in my job. 

 

So okay not the end of the world - the test gets pushed back for now, they do know it's not related to my diagnosis but figured since my deductible and out of pocket are met lets get done what we can! So Kudo's for that. And in the meantime I don't have to do all the prepping of fasting etc. for that test.  We'll just finish shopping - NOPE...I get the 2nd phone call regarding radiation. It's official and I start Wednesday (tomorrow) at 1:30 everyday Mon-Fri until the 20th. Which is good that we are starting now vs a week from now. But again just 'confirming' it was a sort of a BOOM moment for me as I'm standing in the middle of the store with an empty basket and jotting down information.  I found I just couldn't concentrate like I needed to but tried to push on with my small list. Not 5 min later another phone call and not a thing in my basket. This call was for my leave of absence. They do not want to rush me back to work however understand some people don't have the benefits of ST/LT paid leave and have no choice but to return ASAP. Their suggestion was to keep me out until Oct/Nov. NOT that I would actually be out for that long but just a precaution while going through treatment and allowing me MY TIME and PACE to say okay - I'm ready when 'I'M' ready and my job be protected. That part can always be re-visited and revamped and I could easily be back working from home come Sept. again at MY PACE - no deadline, no pressure no one saying you HAVE to come back or your fired type crap and dealing with that stress.

 

Now it was at this point where I should have said, OKAY lets call it a day and we'll finish up the shopping tomorrow - however trying to be a trooper I pressed on which was my mistake. We were trying to beat the A/C guys to the house so lets just get THIS small list done. Again another lesson learned that somethings just really aren't THAT important. So once again trying to fill the basket and another phone call regarding my meds, my refills, peeling back on the steroids with radiation starting etc. my poor grocery list was turning into a medical documentation in the middle of the store and I might have had a bag of cat food in at this time lol. I checked with my mom just to see how she was doing - she kept saying she was fine and didn't mind finishing up the list at all.

 

So once we got the basics I did stop to check out some of the healthier foods to start tossing into my diet little by little - veggies, fruit, albacore tuna, beans, nuts, whole grains - looking at the healthier leaner cuts of meats, chicken, pork, fish. And this is where I could see my mom getting frustrated and not understanding my reading of ingredients and which foods I was searching for - staying away from canned or processed and going 'fresh'. She also kept complaining how more expensive Publix was compared to Walmart and just how ridiculous the prices were. And I told her it was fine - I'd rather pay $200 NOT to walk into Walmart vs $100 on healthy and that's when she slipped up and said 'It's as if you've never been to a grocery store before'. I was SLAMMED right there to the floor. She wasn't trying to be mean or snippy but the comment still just hit me so hard and made me feel well.....stupid. That's the only way I can describe it. And that's when I decided that part of the day was OVER - DONE in that moment for me. It was all I could do not to just break down and cry and run to my car. Instead I said I just headed for the checkout counter. 

 

Once we got home I excused myself while she made her lunch and I went and cried in my bathroom and tried to pull myself together. She was at a total loss as to what just happened and in a way I 'get it'. I wasn't mad at her as I reminded myself that there will be days like this and that's OKAY! To her it was just a grocery trip that took forever, to me it was a lot of information flooding my brain and trying to concentrate at the same time and just getting overwhelmed in the middle of a simple trip that just didn't go as planned. NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. This morning I can look back and sort of snicker on it - but in those moments. I was scared and a bit lost and for her it was probably hard to watch her quick witted child just freeze up at something so simple and not understand the why behind the freeze. And again THAT'S OKAY! We are all processing it at our own pace. As long as at the end of the day I make sure that my state of mind is at peace this is all part of the journey. 

 

This was a day I needed my sister and that's where this whole 'family team' dynamic can get tense - different generations, personalities, ideas etc. Each person for a role without interfering with the others role. Everyone wants to help and do what they can which is fantastic and I feel very fortunate to have that. But we have to all communicate better so we are all on the same page and all a bit more patient with each other. My sister can handle watching me get overwhelmed and help calm me down, where as my mom just doesn't quite know what to do or say and in ways can make things a bit more harder by saying the wrong things at the wrong time. Again, lessons we all have to learn. 

 

And it turns out the A/C guys had to cancel and will be here this AM around 10 and we'll go from there. NO EXPECTATIONS and I'll take today moment by moment vs looking at it in the 'whole' day. 

 

Last night after my mom left and I felt 'calmer'  I cooked a nice balanced meal for the 1st time in ages! Even J was quite impressed. I was afraid it was going to be bland and bleh but it was really good and filling. Skinless marinated chicken, brown rice with almond slices and a nice salad of mixed greens with raw broccoli, nuts and berries a bit of shredded cheese topped with a light Italian dressing and a spoonful of cottage cheese on the side. The after snack was HUMMUS (so excited about the hummus lol) with whole grain crackers. Again, just starting out small and simple. This morning was oatmeal with fresh blueberries mmm so good. And today is a new day - I'll take the lessons I've learned from yesterday and apply them to today. Baby steps!

 

I hope everyone has a great day! No matter what hits you just keep the course, keep up the GOOD FIGHT and don't listen to the nico-demon lies you head may tell you. Just NOPE!! 

[Mee]

Hellkatbaby, your emotions are going to be all over the place.  You are facing the unknown and temporarily losing control of your life (except for that choice to quit smoking).  

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, it was like stepping on a roller coaster and  just going along for the ride.  No one understands what you are going through, unless they have been there.

It will be difficult for your family to know what you need at any given moment.  Just feel blessed that they are there and care.  I am sure they mean well.

Let the tears flow, if you feel the need.  Sometimes it is healthy to have a good cry.  You are doing great with all you are processing. 

Feel free to private message me, if you would like to talk.  Know that you have my continued prayers.

Linda  

  

[Doreensfree]

Aww Sweetheart .

All I can do is offer a hug ....

Life throws us some crap curve balls for sure ....all I can add is ....

Smoking wouldn't have changed a dam thing ...so kudos to you for staying strong ...

Coming here and getting it all out is the best thing ...don't bottle up ...

Linda is right ..quitting smoking alone sends our emotions through the roof ...this is temporary....

[Jordan7]

Your  mind must be going a mile a minute with everything you have going on combined with new meds and quitting smoking, so take a second to pat yourself on the back for how well you are handling this jumble of emotions, appointments, arrangements, and processing of new information, but also give yourself permission to not have to be superwoman every minute of the day.   It must have been jarring to get the call setting the schedule for your therapy — making it all too concrete and real — but I'm soooo glad to hear that your treatments are starting tomorrow.   It has to start before it can be finished so you are now officially starting on the road to recovery.  Hopefully the scary unknown of the treatments will quickly become a boring daily routine.  Knowing your way around the insurance business must be a huge help (not to mention actually having decent insurance coverage) and confirmation that they will be holding your job gives you one less big thing to have to worry about right now.  Please keep writing, keep your spirits up, and cook some more of those tasty, creative, healthy meals when you're in the mood.  Your posts are starting to make me hungry.  

[jillar]

Wow what a day hellkat, I hope today is much better for you! At least you know your job is secure, that must be a huge relief. Good luck tomorrow, I'm glad they're getting your radiation started so quickly. Sooner in, sooner done, xoxo

[hellkatbaby]

I really want to say once again thank you to everyone for allowing me this space and sounding board. It has helped me stay sane more than you can imagine. Hearing others stories and words of encouragement really do keep things going. Times like now when it's almost 3 in the AM and my mind just wont stop. So much happening at once which is good - Tomorrow is the 1st day of my treatment and as Jordan7 said - officially on the road of recovery! And I do have so much to be thankful for. 

 

So for the GREAT part of the day:  and so EDUCATIONAL and this is why questions are so important to ask!!!

The A/C people that came out today have known my mother forever - they refer to her as 'the legend' lol. When he 1st arrived and looked at everything he was like oh this is a simple change out you'll barely know we were even here. I realized at that time he did not have the entire back story as to the medical condition I was facing and my questions and concerns. I could see the change in his face immediately as I explained what I was up against and as it turns out this was NOT the 1st time he's heard or dealt with medical cases that required special equipment far beyond a basic new unit which was a huge relief!! This man was truly concerned and stopped everything right then and there and quickly turned my kitchen table into a conference table between everyone he knew he could think of,  had me get my Dr's. on the phone while they all conferenced about this new A/C unit. 

 

I was just blown away - something I would have never expected in a million years. A/C men and Dr's coming together over an A/C unit?? I'm not going to lie I was like this is a huge stab in the dark, how will Dr's know about A/C units??? But they did!!! They knew exactly what this man was describing. This was something that they ALL HAD experience with in regards to these special filters and air treatment systems that are equipped with these zero ozone emissions UV lights down to how it totally changes the quality of the air to almost a medical grade because these are the systems the Dr's themselves use in some of their smaller facilities and certain patients with medical conditions that have also had these installed in their homes based on their conditions. Things I had never heard of or knew of. I thought the Dr's were going to be like yeaaaa ummmmm hmmmm we have no idea. But it was the total opposite. They knew their stuff!!! They were all in agreement that yes this was the best type of 'unit and equipment' for my situation. Just the collaboration between the A/C people AND the Dr's and the time they all took out of their day for this just left me floored and in tears. I think any other co. would have walked away but not this man -  there was a reason he did what he did and I could never be more grateful to him and my Dr's and my mom it was all just a hidden blessing in disguise! So at the end of the day there was a huge sigh of relief that at least we now had direction in this area, one less stressor to deal with and a new fancy more than just a basic A/C unit on the way. There is really no price for peace of mind - NONE! 

 

The middle of the day was calmer and that was fine with me. I was tired from little sleep but not tired enough to 'nap' hoping I could hold out and sleep all night (ha -jokes on me!) We had a nice lunch and my mom was actually getting interested in this 'food' thing I had been researching because again the A/C guy actually brought up the diet part while he was here - so clearly he had a story somewhere that he could relate to. He had actually switched to a healthy clean diet and was listing off local markets and stores for me to check out. Naming off foods that I already had a list of as my mom was going down my very check list. So I think having her 'hear' it from someone who was more of a peer to her really was the AHHHH moment of 'you are what you eat' and now she has a better understanding of a fresh homemade chicken salad vs Wendy's chicken salad/sandwich or fries and why I'm going in the direction of just more healthy balanced meals then just eating whatever. 

 

The strange of the day: My sister and I were on the phone talking about my treatment, the possible side effects and of course hair - loss since this is whole brain radiation and will more than likely kill the roots. Slowly diving into the research of the scarfs the night caps, hats, wigs etc. When all of a sudden she mentioned that within the hour we had talked on the phone she immediately starting getting pop ups or ads about the very subject. So that kicked off the whole TV/Phones 'listening' in on your conversations. And that was a rabbit hole with in itself lol. 

 

And of course the flop of the day. Everything for once was going nice and smooth and just ahhhhh. My BF - J got home, I had been marinating lean loin chops for dinner trying to get this balanced meal thing another go, trying to have just a normal everyday conversation with him only to realize something was off. And it took me a moment to realize he was drunk. At first I thought he was just messing with me because he kept asking me to repeat myself. Now given all I'm going through it scared me - like maybe he was testing my speech or noticed something I hadn't?? Again this is all unchartered territory for me so of course I'm a bit on edge about these things. And he would say no you're fine and then ask how I was holding up only to constantly interrupt me and over talk me leaving me thinking then WHY did you even ask?? And that was the ding, ding, ding moment. YOU ARE DRUNK. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING AND THIS IS NOT HOW I'M ENDING 'MY' DAY!!! HERE'S THE COUCH HERE'S YOUR PILLOWS GO PASS OUT AND LEAVE ME ALONE AND IF YOU EVER PULL THIS CRAP AGAIN THE FRONT DOOR IS RIGHT THERE!! Because at that point your just being a jerk and messing with me and that is something I will NOT tolerate. So I retreated to my room and just fumed screaming and railing into my journal trying to release it all but NOPE  I was pissed. So I decided from today on out I'm going radio silent on him as far as 'talking about it'. It's a deep rabbit hole even sober so yea. Then he woke up this AM crying - upset wanting to talk and I told him no. Go to work hope you have a GREAT DAY and I'll see you when you get home - PERIOD. This morning is NOT the morning to discuss YOUR feelings - today is about me and that is that - that's all the energy I'm putting into the rest of that mess. I don't plan on answering his calls today - not out of spite. But if you really want to know how I'm doing then lets calmly talk over a nice dinner and NOT a bottle of whiskey or quick afternoon check-in. NOPE! Until then just don't. OKAY so that was a bit of a rant but I had to get it out!!!! 

 

So today I'm tired, nervous, ready - getting my mind powered up to positive for my 1st treatment. Plan to go out and do something 'normal' afterwards and hope that nothing else rocks my boat in the mean time. Baby steps w/out the BS!! 

Edited August 7, 2019 by hellkatbaby

[QueenB]

My thoughts are with you @hellkatbaby.  Let it be what it is.... k-sa'ra, sa'ra ? Try not to let anything rock your boat.  What you are embarking on you need to be at peace at all times!, you and your environment.  Seek peace and pursue it.

[hellkatbaby]

Thank you QueenB - that is exactly what I needed to hear!! And I love the Let it be what it is - k-sa'ra, sar'ra!

 

[Ankush]

@hellkatbaby If you do get time during the day, here's a thread that may help you deal with those pop-ups and ads (which you got assuming you were on a smart phone and not a one of those old candy bar cell phones or the land line, and research was done on a smart phone). Maybe one of your relatives who has time can help you deal with pop-ups and ads. I'm thinking the lesser extra baggage you have to deal with during your quit and treatment, the better, hence this post. Here's the link:

 

https://www.quittrain.com/topic/12839-fighting-against-scammers/

 

Edited August 7, 2019 by Ankush

[Jordan7]

Geez, what a day.  So encouraging to see the people working together to get the best AC unit for you; how nice that there are still people who care and will go out their way to help. Glad your mother is coming around on the food issue and I predict she will be the head healthy chef before long.   

Yep, block out anything that stands in the way of your peace of mind and recovery.  BF needs to pick it up and realize that this is not the time for him to lose it and wallow in his own feelings.  Good for you for plowing through the nonsense and getting on with the business at hand.  I will be thinking of you at 1:30 and sending a virtual hug to take into treatment with you.

[jillar]

What a mixture of things for one day hellkat. Glad you got an awesome A/C guy who knew his stuff And yes, there is nothing worse than a drunk when you're sober. This whole thing must be pretty scary for him too and maybe that was his way of dealing with it? Guys think that way unfortunately....

Im sending positive thoughts your way and wishing you the best today, xoxo