back again

[hellkatbaby]

About 2yrs ago I started my journey to quit smoking for several reasons - the longest I made it on my last quit was 90 days - but boy what a difference I felt in those 90days!! But like most there was always a reason or excuse to start back up again, just as there's a reason to want to quit again.  I'm really hoping this time will be my forever quit. I'm tired of the wheezing and coughing and all the fatigue and illnesses that come with smoking and I'm ready to start feeling healthy again.  I've always stuck to the patches as they seem to help me the most. Popped one on this morning and already finding myself fighting thru the cravings and just the plain old habit of having a smoke to relieve my stress - even tho I already know smoking just brings on more stress and to give into the craving with just one puff can lead to a major undo of just a few day days or several weeks worth of success and leaving you with that deflated full of regret feeling. a pattern I don't want to repeat.  The one good thing  I did do was keep a private daily journal during that time of how I progressed what worked and what didn't and then my relapse hoping to learn from my past mistakes. I remember how hard that 1st month was and remember the sheer excitement of hitting 1 week then the 2nd week and so forth. I want to feel that excitement and healthy again. There is nothing like waking up in the morning and being able to take a deep breath without coughing and reaching for an inhaler to get some relief. 

 

I've  already removed all smoke related items from the house to resist any temptation - especially for these 1st 3 days. I do remember sleeping a lot those 1st days of of my last quit just to keep from smoking and may try that again - whatever helps right? So here's to the start of day one! I'll probably be posting a lot the next few weeks along with mindless rambling. But wishing the best for all of us on this journey to a healthier lifesytle!

[johnny5]

Welcome to QuitTrain, hellkat.  You are making a very wise decision by putting cigarettes behind you forever.

 

Post and ramble all you want if it helps.  Do whatever you need to do as long as you don't smoke.  You will find lots of support and knowledge here.

[Martian5]

Welcome aboard hellkat glad to have you along for this journey.  I like that you are remembering things from your past quit's and using the journal from your past to gauge where you had been and also what mistakes you have made, leaning from your mistakes is important.  Now is the time to focus and commit to quitting.  Come here and post often for questions and education, for socialization, and yes for rambling (we are good at).  Using the NOPE pledge section each day is a great way keep your focus!!!!!

[jillar]

Welcome hellkat, yes the first few months are the worst! Each month I read my posts from beginning to end just so I wouldn't forget where I came from. We have a great thread pinned to the top of the SOS forum to pre rrspond to your own SOS. I highly recommend you making yourself one and read it often, especially when you feel yourself caving to a crave. I also am a big fan of posting an SOS if you need that extra support. We will come running to help you get through the crave  

[G67]

Welcome aboard Hellkat!

[Doreensfree]

Welcome Aboard .

Learn from the past Quit ...where it went wrong ....

You can do it ...stay close ,post ,post,...those that stay and join in ..are the ones most likely to succeed..

[Boo]

Welcome aboard Hellkat.  

 

4 hours ago, hellkatbaby said:

I'm really hoping this time will be my forever quit.

 

The power to make that happen is all yours.

 

Commit to the quit.  Hope and luck are nice but fickle.  Commitment is something you can build upon from now on.

 

Enjoy the climb, the views from the top are awesome.

[hellkatbaby]

Thanks for the welcome and advice! Going through my journal and reading over my lapses I realized I tended to blame the situation vs holding myself accountable - again always look for an excuse to justify picking up the habit again. And Boo you are so right - the power is mine. All it took was that 1 puff to put me right back to square one. I remember that 90 day loss like it was yesterday. I was so depressed that I had come so far just to blow it.  I was at the point where I was breathing easier, my smell and taste had returned - I  no longer worried about smelling like a smoke stack around other people. I had passed the flat plateau of no mans land and past the point of romancing smoking  and I finally was carrying my own balloons so to speak.   The next thing I knew it took just just one small trigger/setback and I was back to a pack a day with a junkie mentality just totally defeated at what I had done. It was a very low point for me and I never could just pick up where I left off - and continue on with my quit, instead I would just reach for another cig. I've tried several times since then but could never get my head back in the game. So here I am ready to give it another go. I'm ready to carry my own balloons again. I know there will be times I will need to reach out for for support only this time I wont be so stubborn or ashamed to ask for help! So once again thanks to all for sharing their journeys and words of wisdom!!

Edited July 20, 2019 by hellkatbaby

[Mee]

Welcome hellkat and glad you are back to quitting.  That is tough making it through all the tough stuff and then caving to the crave.  Unfortunately that is the addiction.

Let's make this quit stick this time.  

I was never able to quit until I found this forum.  There is something magical about the support here.  So let us help you with your journey to freedom from smoking. 

[Boo]

11 hours ago, hellkatbaby said:

 I know there will be times I will need to reach out for for support only this time I wont be so stubborn or ashamed to ask for help! So once again thanks to all for sharing their journeys and words of wisdom!!

 

You're among friends here.  We've all been there...bought the ticket and took the ride.

 

There's always room on the Train for one more.

[MichelleDoesntSmokeAnymore]

Welcome back Hellkatbaby. I'm in the same spot you are,. I'm only maybe 12 hours behind you. I can totally relate to your posts. Lets do this together, and get back to the point where we are grateful to be quit and free, feeling healthy and breathing easier!

[Ankush]

Welcome back @hellkatbaby, and all the best for your quit. Plenty of good advice given here already. Watch Joel's videos, they may help you.

[Sazerac]

Welcome !  Glad to see you sharing your quit with us.

As others have recommended, read all you can about nicotine addiction,  watch the scary movies and post often.

Have a look at this post, Your Quit & Your Life, The Proper Sequence

[hellkatbaby]

So todays AM Cravings are a beast. I've got a notepad next to me so that every time I have a craving I write down the time and try to figure out what the trigger is other than just the habit thats making me want to smoke. And so far the only thing I can narrow it down to is the addiction. I know it'll pass and I keep trying to remember those 90 days I went without smoking and how good it felt. Right now it seems like that's the only thing that keeps me hanging on.

[Sazerac]

The sooner you can distract your brain from the trigger/crave

the sooner your brain will adjust.

It is very much about re-training your brain and wrenching each receptor away from nicotine.

So, reward yourself during each crave, I rewarded myself with a big breath of oxygen

and  looked for something beautiful as a reward. 

That light on that leaf or a bird song. The color of the sky, the shape of that cloud...

 

You are doing great.

This journey you are on is rewarding beyond measure.

Stay close and keep your NOPE.

S

The Significance of Rewards

[Martian5]

I agree with what Sazerac said.  Also you are early in the quit so right now narrowing down a specific trigger may be difficult (though it does not hurt to try and identify now to help in the future).  This can be done -- drink cold water, deep breathing, and maybe a short walk -- also come here often!!!

[MichelleDoesntSmokeAnymore]

How are you doing today. Hellcatbaby?

[Doreensfree]

Everytime  you fight a crave ,your winning ...stay focused on the prize ...keep busy ....

Jigsaws...crosswords ....take up a new hobby ......your doing great ...

[Mee]

Doing great hellkat, you can power through.  Hang tough.

[hellkatbaby]

I'm still hanging in there - starting to feel that irritation/aggravation creep on. Had a few headaches today, something I don't remember dealing with on prior quits. The irritation and aggravation I knew would show up sooner or later. I was hoping to come home and just relax but my BF isn't going to let that happen. He's one of those that are constantly 'what are you doing, what site is that your on as he has the TV and his phone going at the same time on full blast in the background...Just feeling like I have no privacy with my own thoughts when I really need it the most and want to just punch him in the mouth at the moment - I know it has more to do with just getting through this 1st week the best I can and keeping my focus ( but still a good mouth punch might make me feel a wee better lol).  I would go in the room and close the door but know 10min later would come that rapping at the door and just piss me off even more. Sometimes I feel like if I could have a nice long week of R&R alone at a hotel it would make things much easier - but you can't escape life. So I just keep hanging on. 

[Sazerac]

No, you cannot escape life  and your quit comes before any circumstances life throws your way.

With the strength and confidence you acquire with quitting you may make more changes in your life down the road.

Changes that feed your soul.

 

How about a nice hot bath ?

I've always asked for moments of silence, it isn't a mean thing to ask for.

Ask him to go out and find you some special ice cream or something,

he may act better if he knows he is helping plus, that will give you a moment of peace. lol

 

Hang in there.  You Quit Smoking !!

Awesome.

 

Edited July 22, 2019 by Sazerac

[hellkatbaby]

This is a hard one for me - wasn't quite where I should post it or even at all. But felt this tale of caution would jolt those that were in denial with their quit to wake up a little more, and for those who are trying so hard to keep their quit to NEVER GIVE UP - EVER! Sooo, here it goes....

 

I went to the ER Tuesday when the headaches returned. I've had 5 maybe 6 days to process all of this so please bear with me, things may be a bit out of order or scattered but this is the 1st post anywhere regarding this and the ONLY place I plan to post about this for now.  There's no way to sugar coat any of what I'm about to say - so I'm just going to say it.

 

Obviously these are not your basic headaches - this is stage 4 - lungs to lymph node to brain. That being said and many tests and scans later my quickly assembled mini team from MD Anderson are very hopeful and positive. They have been straight shooters from day one explaining with all the advanced technology while this is not curable it is treatable and manageable And they are not here to give me a 'set date' but hope. They feel with targeted radiation starting with the brain, which at this point is the size of a nickle at the largest and smaller clusters that they can be shrunk and controlled. Still waiting for the biopsy to return to determine what 'family/class and organ this originated at as that will let them know how to proceed with rest of the treatment as far as lungs, etc. So I know radiation/chemo is the course at this point. 

 

As I said I was admitted on Tuesday and given the fact that in spite of all that was thrown my way in just that 48hrs my attitude toward all of it - remaining positive, asking questions, taking notes and not spiraling out of control they were comfortable enough to feel they could discharge me with a high dose of steroids for the swelling and reduce the headaches. (which they have) They felt that my 'score' was high enough that to keep me inpatient was not the right place for me and discharged me Wed. night after the biopsy. So I've been taking things day by day, step by step, as I've said it's a lot to take in, obviously not a 5yrd dash but a marathon. 

 

Tomorrow I meet with the rest of my 'team' at MD Anderson to get a tour of the center and from all my notes taken at the hospital between me and family they want to start with the brain radiation pretty quickly. I get my own 'spiderman' mask as they call it - but I'm a Deadpool fan - he kicked ass and had a sense of humor to match so It will be my Deadpool mask - those that know that movie will get it and hopefully appreciate where I coming from with that. So I'm sure that is one of the topics we will go over in more detail, and to answer the questions I have for them as well that seem to pile up as the days have passed. 

 

Anyhow - POSITIVITY and keeping up the good fight is the name of the game still - just a new battle is all. I have my ups and downs as expected but for now I'm keeping things on the UP. Went out to the river house where my sister lives and spent the day Thursday for some fresh air and a change of scenery. Went to lunch with the family Friday, got some things done yesterday and then lunch with my son today. I have not and do not plan to keep anything from my family as at this point they are my biggest support team. We are all soaking it up in our own different ways and that's natural. As I said today is just day 6 since the news. 

 

I may start a blog on here but know nothing about this RSS Feed/Twitter - yadda yadda. So felt right here at the start is where I would start. Please keep in mind this IS NOT A PITY POST!!! This is about no matter where you are in your fight against smoking of why you NEVER QUIT QUITTING THE GOOD FIGHT!!! 

 

 

 

 

[Mee]

hellkatbaby, I am so glad that you posted here and hope that you will let us support you through this battle.  I will immediately start praying for you and the wisdom of the doctors treating you.  Your positive attitude is a definite asset and will help you through this fight.  Please keep us updated.  

Linda 

[Ankush]

@hellkatbaby Your courage and positive outlook through these difficult times is admirable. It's good that you're spending as much time with your family as possible. Medical science is really advanced these days and I sincerely hope that medical care will help the doctors control your condition effectively. Whenever possible, do let us know of your progress. A big thank you for thinking of us with your advice on staying quit. It is appreciated. All the best and many hugs!!!

[Jordan7]

Okay, Hellkatbaby, we are in this fight with you and with your hellova positive attitude I think we're on the winning team.  You've taken this truly crappy news and managed to turn it into a post full of hope and determination, while also reminding all quitters or wannabe quitters that there are much worse things than craves to have to deal with.  Thank you for posting here and I am in awe of your spirit and bravery, even though you must have your ups and downs.   Please stay around and keep us updated if and when you feel like it -- it might be a good place to come to vent as well as share your successes along the way.  Big hugs to you.