Help? Can't seem to quit smoking a little every 3 - 4 months. :-(

[Boo]

1 hour ago, hesteralumni23 said:

I've decided to end my relapse earlier then usual and throw out my pack and the 10 cigs still inside. ughh. this has to be the end

 

Good call.

 

A few moments of temporary agitation is a small price to pay for a lifetime of freedom from cigarettes.

[johnny5]

3 hours ago, hesteralumni23 said:

I've decided to end my relapse earlier then usual and throw out my pack and the 10 cigs still inside. ughh. this has to be the end

 

Awesome news.  Quitting smoking for good will make a huge and positive change in your life.   It is one of the best things you can possibly do.

 

[greenlight]

Hey, hesteralumni23,

 

Congrats on joining this forum and being aware that you need to quit at a young age! I would advise you to take some time to read about addictions, especially the psychology of it. This helped me a lot when I quit. So many things resonated with me when I actually took the time to read and think about addictions - and my addiction to cigarettes. You need to treat the problem at the root, not just at the surface where you may quit for an x amount of time and then relapse (been there too many times). 

 

Best of luck and please keep posting on here!

[Doreensfree]

@hesteralumni23.....I was a 52 yr smoker ...I knew it was never going to be easy ....

Most of my early days ,all could manage was screaming NOPE at the top of my voice hundreds of times a day ...

But ...I was winning my battles ...day by day ...hr by hr ...minute by minute ....

I learnt a saying ....Take smoking off the table no matter what !!!

I understood this ...and my junkie brain knew...I couldn't smoke again ..even if my arse was on fire ...

But Freedom is worth fighting for ....

 

[hesteralumni23]

uhm. im sorry everyone. i went out to throw out my pack of 10 cigs, but then i started hearing kylie in my head and i went into The HAze. kylies voice was saying to me: you are a smoker, girlfriend. you just go for longer periods than most people between packs, so its not like youre turning your back on quitting b/c you never quit in the first place. you might as well enjoy and its not like you smoke that much anyway and don't you want to look older and cooler by smoking a cigarette? i got really dizzy and disoriented and smoked two cigs and didnt throw out the pack. im sorry. i know that's the voice of my disease using kylies voice to convince me to feed my addiction. its crazy i still think about a girl i knew for a weekend when i was 13. i think if i didn't smoke, i would never think about her at all. ugh so dumb.

 

i have eight left and im worried that if i throw them out, i wont go through my usual cycle of being out of cigs and not necessarily being able to stop myself from smoking but always capable of refusing to spend money on them (for 90 days). im scared kylie's voice will be in my head and ill just buy another pack. i think its better to let kylies voice fade out like it did last time but then really work hard at forgetting her and forgetting cigarettes.

 

im a bit worried that this is thinking like a junkie, but i have never had trouble stopping my smoking (for three months) once the pack is empty.

 

i feel really bad about disappointing all of you but i want to be honest about my addiction. i also want to be honest with myself that its stupid to smoke to try to feel 13 again. my 13 year old self was naive and gullible and kylie was older and took advantage of me and taught me to do something horrible and i dont want to be thirteen again. i also dont want to let addiction control me even for four weeks of a year because even four weeks is four weeks too many to be so completely self destructive. and im 23 and shouldn't be trying to look older or worry about being cool. my priorities should be my health and fitness and profession.

 

im so sorry.

[greenlight]

3 minutes ago, hesteralumni23 said:

uhm. im sorry everyone. i went out to throw out my pack of 10 cigs, but then i started hearing kylie in my head and i went into The HAze. kylies voice was saying to me: you are a smoker, girlfriend. you just go for longer periods than most people between packs, so its not like youre turning your back on quitting b/c you never quit in the first place. you might as well enjoy and its not like you smoke that much anyway and don't you want to look older and cooler by smoking a cigarette? i got really dizzy and disoriented and smoked two cigs and didnt throw out the pack. im sorry. i know that's the voice of my disease using kylies voice to convince me to feed my addiction. its crazy i still think about a girl i knew for a weekend when i was 13. i think if i didn't smoke, i would never think about her at all. ugh so dumb.

 

i have eight left and im worried that if i throw them out, i wont go through my usual cycle of being out of cigs and not necessarily being able to stop myself from smoking but always capable of refusing to spend money on them (for 90 days). im scared kylie's voice will be in my head and ill just buy another pack. i think its better to let kylies voice fade out like it did last time but then really work hard at forgetting her and forgetting cigarettes.

 

im a bit worried that this is thinking like a junkie, but i have never had trouble stopping my smoking (for three months) once the pack is empty.

 

i feel really bad about disappointing all of you but i want to be honest about my addiction. i also want to be honest with myself that its stupid to smoke to try to feel 13 again. my 13 year old self was naive and gullible and kylie was older and took advantage of me and taught me to do something horrible and i dont want to be thirteen again. i also dont want to let addiction control me even for four weeks of a year because even four weeks is four weeks too many to be so completely self destructive. and im 23 and shouldn't be trying to look older or worry about being cool. my priorities should be my health and fitness and profession.

 

im so sorry.

 

Firstly, you're not disappointing any of us. You're not here to for any of us but yourself.

 

Which brings me to my second point. Who the f*** is Kylie? Why is she in charge of you smoking? 

[Mee]

Well hesteralumni23, we are not going to give up on you.  We want you to find the freedom from addiction.  You do realize that you are using this period of your life as an excuse to continue

smoking.  Educate yourself on what smoking is doing to you.  Think of the importance of your health.  Then quit.  We will be here to support you along the way..

[Sazerac]

You cannot go back,

we can only go FORWARD.

Embrace this journey.

Educate yourself.  This thread can help you negotiate your way around here.

10 Ways To Effectively Use This Forum.

Pay attention to all the advise we are sharing with you.

You can have a successful quit as soon as you commit to yourself to Not One Puff Ever.

 

 

[greenlight]

Okay, I've properly read on who Kylie was and I think you need to let her go. She should certainly not play any role in your quitting anymore, she wasn't actually in the right. 

[jillar]

You're just using Kylie as your excuse to relapse. Just as you are the every three months thing. You state over and over again 

21 minutes ago, greenlight said:

m a bit worried that this is thinking like a junkie, but i have never had trouble stopping my smoking (for three months) once the pack is empty

 

You've convinced yourself that you will relapse in three months. Until you change your thinking you will continue to relapse....

[hesteralumni23]

i knowwwwww. im trying to look on the bright side. my disease is trying to dig up whatever it can to get me to keep smoking and the best it can do is use what are probably inaccurate memories of a girl from 10 years ago

 

i went out to the park just now to smoke because its usually empty and no one has to see me doing something im ashamed of, but it was filled with parents and babies and little kids and i didnt want anyone to see me smoke, so i was in the bushes feeding my habit. then when i was walking home, i saw these girls under a bridge with a crack pipe. i climbed down to them and gave them my pack with my last five cigs. they asked me if i wanted to get high with them and i just turned and ran before i could think about it. this is how i quit all other drugs; any time i ran into someone who would want to get high with me, i just turned the other way and ran.

 

it really says something about how smoking even 15 cigs has hit my lungs b/c i usually have no problem running all the way home but i was out of breath like a minute later. but it was good b/c i was next to a trash can and i threw out my lighter. i usually keep it in anticipation of the next relapse but not this time.

 

so the non-smoking period has begun a day later than i hoped but it has begun and i know whats coming. tomorrow, i will long for a cig but have none to smoke. i will be taking double doses of expetorants for two days to make it easier to cough it all out. i will be in teh gym a lot b/c i have totally fallen off my regime with this relapse.

 

but instead of forgetting about my addiction after a week as usual, im going to keep working on it to make sure that in 90 days time i wont get caught off guard. the next time my girlfriend and family cancel on me and i go into The Haze, i will find some even a random thing on meetup.com to do to be around people who wouldn't be okay with me smoking around them even if they're strangers

 

i promise to post an sos if i feel tempted to buy another pack

 

im also going to find a trek con to go to with sarah. nad maybe she'll cosplay as a vulcan for me and we can spend the weekend in a motel and i can replace my memories of hooking up with a sexy goth vulcan who got me into smoking cigarettes and weed. i will try to make new memories of a happy weekend with my vegan yoga teacher girlfriend who introduced me to vegan cheese and plant based meat and cardio and weight lifting and kombucha and how to make myself look like a superhero girl with diet and exercise

 

im sorry for upsetting anyone. youve all been really good to me and ill stick around even after im through the immediate post-relapse days

[jillar]

3 hours ago, hesteralumni23 said:

 

so the non-smoking period has begun 

 

This^^ is what I'm talking about. You are giving yourself an out. It's not the non smoking period. It is your quit date. Today is a great day to start your new smoke free life. Stop setting yourself up for failure and just quit. Believe me you will be wayyyyy smarter quitting now then when you develop serious problems because of it. Trust me on this......

Edited July 3, 2019 by jillar

[Ankush]

Instead of taking expectorant, I would suggest plenty of juice (especially Cranberry) and water over the next three days. 3 days is all it takes for the Nicotine to get flushed out. Here is the link to Joel's Youtube channel. Watch his videos, it may help you.

 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCag4hg_fX_NnOb1N4yXA97Q

 

Check out the playlist section, and watch the videos a day at a time as organized.

 

Try to break yourself out of the mentality that this is going to be a non-smoking period. Think of it as ex-smoker freedom. Somehow, in the beginning, your friend has planted the thought that you are a smoker, and that's what set you on a path to smoking and other forms of drug abuse. I don't know how to put it. Here's what I can tell. People have their own way of getting their dopamine release. Some do it through drugs (legal or illegal), some do it through physical activity (my brother told me that there is something called the runner's high), some (like my mom) get their fix by having that cup of tea (or coffee). We are all with you, we all have been addicts, but that's no reason to succumb to junkie thinking and to taking a puff. It is probably difficult for you, but avoid thinking - "90-120 days over, I'm in that haze, now I need to smoke", try thinking - "90-120 days over, I'm not in that haze, time to up the ante on my exercise regimen" (since you like physical exercise). Maybe you could take up yoga with your girlfriend as well, go for the trek. Eat well. All the best!!!

[Doreensfree]

You have to Quit for yourself ...nobody else ....

It's your body ...if you want to know the real damage of cigarettes ...read my posts ...

Your young enough ,not to get a horrible illness.... Grab it with both hands ....

Do it for you ...!!!!..your so worth it ...

Read all you can here ...there is so much information to help you along ...

[notsmokinjo]

Ok...I've been following your journey and haven't posted yet because others had said what needed saying. This may seem to come out of left field a bit but honestly a lot of this is reading like more of a cry for help around some other things that haven't been dealt with and because emotionally and psychologically these things are linked to smoking you are giving your nicotine addiction the power...you say Kylie took advantage...now look at the situation differently, if Kylie had been Kyle and he was 18 and you were 13... We would be viewing this differently....my kid is 13, and there is no way she is emotionally ready for a sexual relationship with a male or female... You whole life has been shaped by one night and one weekend. Often the stuff we go through as kids cause big scars on our psyche... I know I smoked, and took drugs and drank to fill the holes I carried...none of it ever helped.

 

You are 23, I think besides quitting the best thing you can do for you is speak to someone about that weekend...because there are issues there preventing you from being the person you can be. 

 

Here's something to think about, 1 single thought process that really helps with the whole quit process... There are 3 things a smoker can be:

Smoking;

Quitting - still smoking but thinking about/planning to quit; or

Quit - not smoking....You can be 1 hour quit or 17 years quit but once you have that last smoke you are quit, quitting is for those smokers who haven't quit yet.

[MLMR]

19 hours ago, hesteralumni23 said:

i will try to make new memories of a happy weekend with my vegan yoga teacher girlfriend who introduced me to vegan cheese and plant based meat and cardio and weight lifting and kombucha and how to make myself look like a superhero girl with diet and exercise.

 

Wait... what? I am confused. 

 

P.s. stop calling it 'the Haze' or 'The relapse' or 'my disease'. You are completely complicating things that way. Start reading and educating yourself if you are serious about this, plenty of great material on the board. 

 

 

 

 

 

[hesteralumni23]

23 hours ago, jillar said:

 

This^^ is what I'm talking about. You are giving yourself an out. It's not the non smoking period. It is your quit date. Today is a great day to start your new smoke free life. Stop setting yourself up for failure and just quit. Believe me you will be wayyyyy smarter quitting now then when you develop serious problems because of it. Trust me on this......

4 hours ago, MLMR said:

P.s. stop calling it 'the Haze' or 'The relapse' or 'my disease'. You are completely complicating things that way. Start reading and educating yourself if you are serious about this, plenty of great material on the board.

 

im sorry, but I have to use my own words right now for what im going through. I just don’t relate to the words some of you prefer and i dont think they're true for me. if my addiction doesnt resemble your addiction, i dont have to make it the same as yours. my addiction manifests as a separate personality. i experience something i call The Haze. and ive seen lots of people in this community use "relapse." im not going to follow the word police here because i dont want to lie to myself and say that smoking is over for me. i am a smoker. i have been a smoker since i was 13. i have never quit smoking, i just run out of cigarettes and dont smoke for awhile and pass for a non-smoker. i am out of cigs today. i decdied not to buy any today. tomorrow ill have to decide again that even though i cant deny that i am a smoker, i can decide not to buy any.

 

13 hours ago, Ankush said:

We are all with you, we all have been addicts, but that's no reason to succumb to junkie thinking and to taking a puff. It is probably difficult for you, but avoid thinking - "90-120 days over, I'm in that haze, now I need to smoke", try thinking - "90-120 days over, I'm not in that haze, time to up the ante on my exercise regimen" (since you like physical exercise). Maybe you could take up yoga with your girlfriend as well, go for the trek. Eat well. All the best!!!

 

thank youuuuu ankush. but if i go into The Haze i need ot admit it to myself and then up the ante on exercise and socializing without smoking to salve loneliness and disappointment.

 

6 hours ago, notsmokinjo said:

Ok...I've been following your journey and haven't posted yet because others had said what needed saying. This may seem to come out of left field a bit but honestly a lot of this is reading like more of a cry for help around some other things that haven't been dealt with and because emotionally and psychologically these things are linked to smoking you are giving your nicotine addiction the power...you say Kylie took advantage...now look at the situation differently, if Kylie had been Kyle and he was 18 and you were 13... We would be viewing this differently....my kid is 13, and there is no way she is emotionally ready for a sexual relationship with a male or female... You whole life has been shaped by one night and one weekend. Often the stuff we go through as kids cause big scars on our psyche... I know I smoked, and took drugs and drank to fill the holes I carried...none of it ever helped.

 

i wonder if this is too much for a quit smoking support forum, but kylie helped me a lot too. after my mother died, i lived with my uncle for a year and he was crazy homphobic and hated women, constantly screaming at me that i'd better not be a d--- and that i probably just got home from sucking ---- and that his wife had left him for antoher woman because she was gay (as opposed to leaving because he was crazy violent). he beat me. he didnt rape me, but he made me feel like my body wasn't my own. my dad came back from cambodia and got me out of there, but at 12, i couldnt stand to be touched, not even a hug. i couldnt trust anyone to come near me. and in sex ed, i was disgusted at the thought of anything physical

 

kylie took all that away. she didnt do anything i didnt ask her to do and shed stop if i said stop and start again if i said i felt ready. she kept asking me what i liked and didn't like, if it was good, if it was bad. she made me feel like my body was for me and that i should be shameless about liking girls and having as much or as little sex as i wanted. and she was so sweet to me saying wed probably never see each other again and itd be cruel to keep in touch but we should make the most of it. she made me feel really good about myself.
 
i knowwwww she shouldnt have given me a cig when i asked her what smoking was like. i think she felt like she was so excited to be the person introducing me to new stuff and didnt think about the consequences.

 

but its gotten really weird b/c for so long, smoking a cigarette was my way of saying to myself in the world that i am without shame, f-you, uncle jeff, its my body. but now smoking makes me so ashamed that i had my last cig yesterday hiding in the bushes. i guess i hang onto smoking b/c it feels like i'm hanging onto that weekend after having everything pounded out of me, she made me feel strong, sex positive, out and proud. but i also know it is my disease co-opting my memory of her to use it against me. also, i know that i may have taken my body back from uncle jeff, but im just giving it over to Big Tobacco.

 

i know ppl want me to say ive had my quit day, i am done with smoking but ive said that lots of times only to buy a pack 12 weeks later. im only going to say whats true and whats true is: i am good facing physical withdrawal symptoms and cravings, but not good at dealing emotioanl triggers months later. i have been a smoker since i was 13. 1 pack every 3 months is still smoking. but i am not smoking today. i am going through a non smoking period. and tomorrow, i'll say it all over again and see where im at in 3 months. if i go through The Haze again but dont smoke by posting here asking for support and refusing to buy cigs, then i can say that i have quit smoking. that i am smoke free.

 

but if i say it now, well, ive said it before and it just makes me vulnerable to another relapse b/c im not acknowledging my addiction and not working to prevent The Haze from making me do what i dont want to do.

 

also, i think my sense of withdrawal is different b/c of the damage to my sense of pleasure and pain. i was craving a cig all day today, jittery and shaky. i loved it; i loved the sense of nervous energy and put it into all my admin work at the office. i also loved not smelling like ash and tar. i loved coughing out all the gunk in my chest. i loved wanting a charcoal filter tip in my mouth and knowing i wouldnt do it. my situation might not be yours. my body isnt yours. its mine.

[Sazerac]

Is this an SOS about smoking ?

If not, please go here to introduce yourself or start your own blog here.

Some of us are alerted immediately when someone posts an SOS

because of the immediacy about smoking or not smoking.

We are a stop smoking site and can help you about quitting smoking.

You are dealing with large issues that may have nothing to do with smoking.

I am on your side but, 

please, respect our support.

 

[hesteralumni23]

got it

 

thanks again

[Sazerac]

on your side, bebe,

S

[Ankush]

@hesteralumni23 As an example, when I do have a crave for a cigarette, I admit it to myself that "Yes, I have a crave" but I then say to myself "I'm not going to succumb to it". Now, I understand that this "Haze" that you speak of is not the same thing as a crave to you, but since you already admit that you're in The Haze, you could maybe soon after tell yourself "I'm not going to succumb to it, instead, I'll do something else"....just a suggestion. As mentioned by others on the board, you may have other issues and traumas that you're dealing with. Here's a link to a channel I found on Youtube. It's by a former therapist, named Daniel Mackler. Please do have a look at it.

 

https://www.youtube.com/user/dmackler58

 

Here's another video that may help you. Pay more attention to the part he starts talking about the "craving monster". If it makes things easier for you, you could replace the words "craving monster" with the words "The Haze monster".

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTb3d5cjSFI

 

Hope this helps.

[hesteralumni23]

Im sorry. I need to get off this board, I totally don’t belong here and i am scared that describing what im going through and what ive decided will throw you guys off your own journeys. but thank you to everyone for your support. ill come back if its right for me but its not right for me right now

 

I love you all soooo much and im going into therapy for my childhood shit and going to be okay on that

 

 

[Ankush]

@hesteralumni23 I hope you find what you're looking for. All the best!!! P.S. - I hope my replies in some way didn't influence your decision. Take care

[Mee]

I think that is such a smart move on your part.  You have dealt with so much at such a  young age.  

We are here for you sweetie. 

[Doreensfree]

I wish you well on your journey H  !!!!

When your ready ,we will be here ....