Help? Can't seem to quit smoking a little every 3 - 4 months. :-(

[hesteralumni23]

every 3 - 4 months, i buy a pack of cigs, smoke like a few a day, get sick of it after 3 - 4 days and throw out the pack. i feel like a stupid, disgusting girl. why cant i quit? im 23 and i was smart and strong enough to decide to quit when i was 15. but im still dumb enough to associate smoking with sex and romance and its soooo idiotic. could use some helping words

 

i started when i was 13 on a roadtrip with some older friends to a trek con. we were all antis and thought smoking was gross, something stupid creepy dudes did. then i saw this girl at at the convention outside, probably about 17 cosplaying as a vulcan (with the ears and hair) but pretty goth in a leather jacket and fishnets. she was smoking a cig and i was like holy shit, i think i'm gay and then holy shit, smoking is SEXY. (i was so stupid)

 

i went over to talk to her and i felt soooo hopeless and tongue tied, she told me she was kylie and liked me enough to bring me to her motel. first time sex and then on the balcony, she sparked a cig and i asked her why she smoked and she asked me if i'd ever tried it and offered. and kylie taught me how. we lived too far away to date, but after i went home, i saw smoking as a way to help me get over being shy and talk to girls. i thought id just smoke whenever hanging out with smokers, but a year later, i was smoking like 5 a day every day with my girlfriend ellie. i felt soooooooooooooooooo coool smoking on the street with my girlfriend and when she got me my first fake id and i bought my first pack, she said welcome to the club

 

when i got to half a pack a day at 15, tho, i just felt gross. i loooved smoking wit hthe girls. loved waking in the middle of the night and sneaking out to smoke. i loved getting high and smoking cig after cig. i hated showerinng constantly to not get caught by my dad and aunt. i hated constantly cleaning my clothes. i hated the smokers cough. i hated my yellow teeth. i hated thinking about how my mom died from breast cancer.

 

also id started dabbling in other shit. i was smoking weed every day and had started getting into cocaine and meth. it felt okay do do all that because i was already giving myself lung cancer. i guess cigs were my gateway drug. when i started bringing a bolo to school and wanted ellie to smoke meth with me in the parking lot, she dumped me and said it was shitty that drugs were becoming my top priority over us having fun together and studying and going rock climbing and swimming and hanging out with her little brother and living life together

 

such a wakeup call. i realized that cigs and drugs were rewiring my brain just to be an addict and i had to quit. cocaine was easy to quit, just stopped hanging out with shady creeps and i had no access. my dealer got arrested for meth so i couldnt get it anymore. dodged a bullet there. weed was easy to quit. just told myself being clearheaded was good and it was. and i made myself see craving cigs as part of what cigs were doing to me and wanted to stop. i never relapsed on drugs, not even weed. but i still havent stopped cigarettes completely.

 

now im 23 and every 3 - 4 months, i go into this weird haze and dizzily go over to the smoke shop and buy belmont blues and smoke a cig and think of kylie and ellie. every time i smoke a cig, i hear myself at 13 asking kylie why she smokes and she handed over her cig to me said, "to look older and cooler." then i took my first drag and she said "dont lie, biotch, thats why your doing it too." i remember telling ellie that when i wake up, the first thing i do is go for my pack, then ellie getting me a fake id and me coming out of the gas station with my first pack of belmont milds (blues now) and ellie laughing and saying, "welcome to the club girlfriend". and yah, i think about sex ans associate smoking with the first night i realized i was gay and into girls and had sex with a gorgeous goth vulcan and smoked my first cig all in 12 hours

 

by the fifth cig of the day, i feel disgusting and gross. by day three, a cigarette makes me nauseous and ready to throw up. and by day 4, i throw out the cigs. but then 90-120 days pass and then i go into this stupid dizziness and buy another pack and i just bought one again. third pack of the year. what is wrong with me?

 

i hate myself for doing this. i tell myself that i cant keep being a smoker if i want to be healthy and if i want to get and keep my brie larson body and if i want to have high energy. ive been dating this vegan yoga teacher and if she knew i smoked, she would dump me like ellie did. smoking isnt fun anymore. working out and being healthy and full breathing is fun.

 

why cant i quit cigs?

Edited June 30, 2019 by hesteralumni23

[jillar]

Welcome hesteralumni, you can't quit cigs because you're telling yourself you can't. We are all proof that you can quit, you just have to know it too. 

Smoking is a gnarly addiction no doubt about it but so is meth and you gave that up right? I kept telling myself that all (good?) things must come to an end and it was time for cigs to end too. It wasn't always easy, I smoked for 35 years, but with the help of a support group like you have here it is totally doable.

Good on you for taking the first step and signing up. Stick close, read our threads about addiction and maybe even check out the celebrations forum to see all the successful quitters we have here, how's that for motivation?

[Whispers]

Hi hesteralumni,

      After reading i recognize the cycle. Its self destruction, after a long quit i have blown a good 10 quits this same way. I'd go 2-3 weeks boom have a couple of ciggs get to the point of a few months do it again. I also ventured into alcohol, my mindset was way off and i was in a bad place mentally. Each time i relapsed it was F-IT with the same physical and mental feeling after . There's is a lot of people like this so dont feel alone but when we as humans get self destructive its how we deal with fear. You moved over to coke and meth and i have never used them so i have 0 experience with those drugs. I would recommend you  look into a meeting in your area, i know these forums are the easy way as some are shy and or embarrassed to go in person but you'll find support and understand why you have jumped into coke and meth. As far as the smoking, come here and when you hit that low self destructive point stop by and someone will be here for you to talk to and help you through that hurdle . The coke and meth ive seen people beg for help and they truly couldn't stop why i mention a meeting, you're very young with a lot of life ahead and we all make mistakes.

[Sazerac]

Welcome !

You can quit, @hesteralumni23.

When you make the choice and commit to that choice you will quit.

All the good associations and memories you have will still be there without smoking.

You will be able to separate them from the addiction.

Educate yourself.

Commit to yourself.

You will succeed.

 

This thread may be helpful to you,

10 Ways To Effectively Use This Forum To Quit Smoking

Edited June 30, 2019 by Sazerac

[Ankush]

Welcome aboard @hesteralumni23. Looking at the positive side of things, you want to quit at a very young age and that's good. The other thing is that you are successfully able to overcome initial withdrawal and stay away from cigarettes (if at all for a few months, but you have been able to stay away from them). Also, you have successfully fended off drug addiction. The nicotine in cigarettes is also a drug (its a legal drug). Talk to as many people as you can here on the board. You already have a good list of reasons for quitting smoking permanently, so write them down (remember to quit for yourself though). I would also recommend that you watch Joel's videos on relapsing. Take the Nope pledge and take things a day at a time. While different people have different reasons to take up a drug (legal or illegal), taking them to look cool is definitely not the right one. Also, feel free to post an S.O.S when you need to. All the best!!!

Edited June 30, 2019 by Ankush

[Martian5]

Welcome aboard, glad to have you along.  A lot has already been said.  You can do this, just come here often to educate yourself on how to get over the crave (small and big) and commit yourself.  Also doing the NOPE pledge each day can help keep your mind focused for that day.  You have a good grasp on why you smoked just turn that around and look at all the positives for quitting.  You can do this and if you get to that 3/4 month mark come on here and give a shout!!!!

[hesteralumni23]

1 hour ago, Whispers said:

 look into a meeting in your area, i know these forums are the easy way as some are shy and or embarrassed to go in person but you'll find support and understand why you have jumped into coke and meth. As far as the smoking, come here and when you hit that low self destructive point stop by and someone will be here for you to talk to and help you through that hurdle . The coke and meth ive seen people beg for help and they truly couldn't stop why i mention a meeting, you're very young with a lot of life ahead and we all make mistakes.

 

well i know why i jumped into coke and meth. its why i started smoking too. it felt like being part of a secret club of smokers and potheads and cokeheads and tweakers and gay girls. i know htats so stupid, being gay and getting into deadly and addictive drugs arent the same thing, but at 14, i thought they were. at 15, though, i saw drugs make me lose my first gf and stoped associating getting high with being gay

 

also, its easy to stay away from coke and meth when i dont know where to get them anymore. and its easy to stay away from weed b/c i can't go to school or work high if i want to get anything done. and it was easy to throw away my fake id to stay away from cigarettes, but now im legal and can buy them. shit.

 

15 minutes ago, Martian5 said:

Welcome aboard, glad to have you along.  A lot has already been said.  You can do this, just come here often to educate yourself on how to get over the crave (small and big) and commit yourself.  Also doing the NOPE pledge each day can help keep your mind focused for that day.  You have a good grasp on why you smoked just turn that around and look at all the positives for quitting.  You can do this and if you get to that 3/4 month mark come on here and give a shout!!!!

i just dont understand The Haze i go into every few months where its like im in a dream as i go to the smoke shop and buy my belmonts. i dont understand how i can go 90 days without wanting to smoke, without thinking of smoking, with walking away whenever someone starts smoking, and then suddenly I NEED A PACK. and i dont undersstand why i keep doing it when I know that by thefifth cig, i'm going to feel sick enough to throw up. ugh.

[Martian5]

^^^^^^ This is a step you will have to focus on as it comes up and really fight the crave.  The good thing is that you are aware of that major crave, what needs to be done now is how to educate yourself and there is a  lot of information on this site that can help.  When that crave comes on  take a few minutes to really think about it, take a walk, or better yet come to this site and post a "SOS" like what you done today then wait and read the replies.  Sometimes just letting people know you are having a hard time can help you focus more and the feedback you get will try and help you get thru the crave.  It is a hard one but if you commit and seek advice you can get thru this!!!!

[Doreensfree]

Welcome aboard.

Read all you can here about this addiction ,what keeps you hooked ...

It may answer a few of your questions ....knowledge is power ..

[jillar]

This might help hesteralumni…..

 

https://www.quittrain.com/topic/10000-no-mans-land/

 

Edited June 30, 2019 by jillar

[Whispers]

29 minutes ago, hesteralumni23 said:

well i know why i jumped into coke and meth. its why i started smoking too. it felt like being part of a secret club of smokers and potheads and cokeheads and tweakers and gay girls. i know htats so stupid, being gay and getting into deadly and addictive drugs arent the same thing, but at 14, i thought they were. at 15, though, i saw drugs make me lose my first gf and stoped associating getting high with being gay

 

also, its easy to stay away from coke and meth when i dont know where to get them anymore. and its easy to stay away from weed b/c i can't go to school or work high if i want to get anything done. and it was easy to throw away my fake id to stay away from cigarettes, but now im legal and can buy them. shit.

The new series hits on this, called euphoria.

[johnny5]

Welcome aboard, hesteralumni23.

 

The cycle of quitting and relapsing is a really tough one.  You are so much better off by quitting for good, especially at your age.

 

A lot of great advice has already been given.  Read up as much as you can on this site about nicotine addiction.  The more you understand it, the more equipped you are in beating the addiction for good.  Also, keep reaching out to us when you are struggling.

 

You can quit for good and education and support really help.  Both can be found here.

[Boo]

Addiction and conditioning.  It's the same trap we all fell in.

 

If I read your post correctly, you smoked your first cigarette immediately after having sex for the first time.  That is doubling down on the dopamine right there.  Lighting up the pleasure center of the brain like that during the formative years of your life is bound to create a mental link between the two activities that leaves you wanting more of both.  With a bit of reinforcement of the behavior, smoking after sex, you have conditioned your brain in such a way that it will naturally link the two activities.

 

The good news is: you can rewire your brain and create new neural pathways.  Neuroplasticity is your friend here.

 

As for the haze and glorified memories of past smoking experiences that end up with you buying a pack of smokes, that's just addiction.  Plain and simple...addiction.  If you continue to buy cigarettes when these thoughts occur, you will keep the cycle going.  If you resist the temptation and don't buy cigarettes, the roar of addiction will fade to a whimper and eventually go silent.

 

8 hours ago, hesteralumni23 said:

why cant i quit cigs?

 

You can.  It is simply a matter of making a choice and committing to it.

 

Addiction and self-doubt kept me smoking well past the age you are at now.  Don't make the same mistake I did.

[Mee]

Welcome hesteralumni23.  I am very impressed that you realize the need to quit at your age.  You sound like a girl who is confident in who you are and what is best for you.  I think quitting should be easier for you.  Know that we are here to support you along the way.  

Stay close to the forum and read as much as you can about the addiction.  Read what other quitters have posted about their quitting journeys.  

You can do this sweetie.  

[hesteralumni23]

thanks everyone for all your kind advice. i think my problem is i never REALLY quit smoking and drugs. i just quit the people.

 

ellie broke up with me because she didn't want a cokehead/tweaker gf around her family and her baby brother. i didnt want to be someone who could only be friends with other addicts. i didnt want people to ashamed of me. when ellie was gone, i realized the only people around me were people who made me feel okay to feed my bad habits. and it was all about getting high. the people were just filler for the drugs. getting away from the people and throwing out my fake id let me get some distance from my addictions. i still avoid or leave situations where i could score. i never go to nightclubs or bars or concerts. but cigs are legal so once i turned 19 i could buy them again.

 

i thought smoking a pack of 20 every 3 months was not an addiction. then i thought that b/c i didnt smoke for 90 days, i was smoke free. ellie used to have this joke and say: "i quit smoking. that just means i didnt smoke for a week and dont want to admit ive started again." i now see that i cant say i quit smoking just because i didnt smoke for 90 days. i didn't quit smoking. im still smoking eighty cigarettes a year. i am still addicted. but because i didnt admit that i was still addicted to smoking, i didnt admit that i still need a quit plan for the 90 day mark. so then The Haze hits me and im not ready to face it and i smoke.

 

you all make me realize i didnt quit smoking. i didnt want to quit smoking. i just wanted to cut down to the point where i can pass for a non smoker and thats all i really cared about. i am still a slave to my addiction.

 

a part of my brain is saying thats good enough, as long as you can pass for being a non smoker. but i dont think it is. i hate who i am as a smoker. i hate being someone who is putting cancer into the air when parents are walking around me with their children. i hate walking out to distant parks to be alone to do something im ashamed to do. i hate feeling like my body tells me to smoke so i have to do it whether i actually want to or not. i hate knowing that my girlfriend sarah would never kiss me again if she knew i put 80 cigarettes a year into my body.

 

i was smoking earlier today at the park (im so sorry) and sarah (my girlfriend) walked past me on her way to my apartment, i guess she got off work early. i had some distance and hid behind a tree and took a shortcut to get home and jump in the shower so she wouldn't smell it on me. when we were hanging out later, i was so nervous that she would notice i forgot to take my pack and my lighter out of my pocket. i dont want to live like this anymore.

 

i think i need to get rid of my memories of kylie and ellie. Boo is right. my first cigarette was right after my first time having sex and every time i smoke a cig, its because i want to feel 13 and feel my first kiss again. i should tell myself that kylie was a girl who made me realize i like girls and intro'd me to sex and pleasure, but she was also a creepy older woman and a first year college student who seduced a kid in junior high and gave me a deadly and addictive poison and told me it was cool. i should tell myself that yeah, ellie made me realize how hard drugs were taking over my life. but she also enabled my addiction by giving me a fake id and easy access to cigarettes and made me feel like poisoning myself was a way for a socially awkward girl to not be alone.

 

and i need to start seeing all those glowing memories of smoking for what they were: a circle of shitty addiction that i want to escape.i should make new, smoke free memories

 

im going to try. thank you.

Edited July 1, 2019 by hesteralumni23

[Sazerac]

1 hour ago, hesteralumni23 said:

and i need to start seeing all those glowing memories of smoking for what they were: a circle of shitty addiction that i want to escape.i should make new, smoke free memories

 

im going to try. thank you.

 

 

This is so beautiful, hesteralumni ! 

 

When you quit smoking, you begin a fascinating journey of discovery.

Many truths will emerge that have been clouded with cigarette smoke,

facing these truths will lead you to a sincere self confidence and self respect that is genuine and sturdy.

In short time you will be a shining powerful force!

 

All of us know about this journey.  Quitting smoking has changed so many things for the better in all our lives.

I am so glad you found us.

 

Take advantage of the resources here,

learn all you can about nicotine addiction

and let us know how you are doing. 

We all know it is a really big deal to quit smoking and we'll look out for you.

S

 

 

[Lust4Life]

hi hesteralumni23-

Truth be told, I'll admit i did not read every word of your soliloquy.  The phrases that popped out to me were "dabbling in other shit" and "wake up call".   That is way more than this forum can offer.  You are 23 years of age.  Pick a life.  Drug user. Addict. Abstainer. Vegan. Meat eater. Gluten lover. Gay. Straight. Bi. Fluid. Indifferent. Here- the most important is smoker or nonsmoker.  In my unsolicited opinion, the "dabbling in other shit" should be priority #1.

 

I'm glad you had some time to reflect.  You have made some admirable choices.  Carry on...

 

Edited July 1, 2019 by Lust4Life
Did not realize this was SOS-

[hesteralumni23]

19 minutes ago, Lust4Life said:

hi hesteralumni23-

Truth be told, I'll admit i did not read every word of your soliloquy.  The phrases that popped out to me were "dabbling in other shit" and "wake up call".   That is way more than this forum can offer.  You are 23 years of age.  Pick a life.  Drug user. Addict. Abstainer. Vegan. Meat eater. Gluten lover. Gay. Straight. Bi. Fluid. Indifferent. Here- the most important is smoker or nonsmoker.  In my unsolicited opinion, the "dabbling in other shit" should be priority #1.

 

its hard to make quitting drugs my priority #1 when i haven't gotten high or drunk since i was 15 and the only bad thing ive been doing to my body for the last eight years is smoke 80 cigarettes a year? i dont think my teenage drug addiction is a factor except to say i gave up a LOT of bad habits very quickly and before i even finished high school. so it feels kind of ridiculous that i have been unable to stop smoking cigs even with long periods of being smoke free.

 

this board helped me realize that being smoke free for awhile did not free me from smoking and i was still a smoker, just one who hadnt smoked for three months.

[MLMR]

12 hours ago, hesteralumni23 said:

i just dont understand The Haze i go into every few months 

Keep on smoking every other 3, 4 months and you will not get it, because you keep exercize junkie thinking. 

 

If you want to understand, then quit and educate yourself. Knowledge will follow. 

[hesteralumni23]

sorry, i dpnt understand. how does an exercise junkie think?

 

i understand The Haze now. i think Boo really nailed it. The Haze it is my disease controlling me and catching me off guard because i think i am not a smoker anymore and thinking htat makes me vulnerable to my addiction. it takes control of me and is taking away my choice to be done with smoking. it is using my memories of sex and romance and love and closeness and socializing to get me to poison myself

[d2e8b8]

hesteralumni23, 

 

I'd suggest reading up on triggers. 

 

There are daily triggers like coffee, lunch, going to school/ work, etc that occur daily and cause smoke cravings - if you've been successfully quit for 90 days means you have overcome 99% of the daily and infrequent triggers.

 

What's left are the life-event triggers - you know, bad news about job, family or something that evokes some memory or strong emotions.  These are so occasional that when they do hit you, you're unprepared and I suspect this may be happening in your case.

 

If you had a routine that you used to overcome the daily trigger, I'd recommend using that routine as a means to get past the initial cravings.  Find a way to invoke it.  One other thing - just make a promise to yourself to post an SOS before going out to buy a pack.  It has saved many quits and folks here will support you through the crave.

 

Most people require multiple attempts to get to the final successful quit - please keep at it.  You're smarter than me for having started this journey at such an early age and I'm sure you'll find a way past the 90-day crave.

[hesteralumni23]

thank you, d28b8. I definitely got triggered bad this weekend over something small. (it's always small) my girlfriend and I had plans but she got swept up in her sister urgently needing computer help to start a new job search and we didn't have much time together and I said I understood and it was fine. I don't think it was fine because I went into a sad haze and day dreamily walked to a tobacconist and bought a pack and started smoking again. except I now see I never actually stopped smoking at all and have been a smoker for 10 years -- just with longer periods between packs than most smokers

 

when i tried to quit in high school at 15, I threw out my id and avoided anyone who might give me a spare cig and didn't smoke again until I was 19 and old enough to buy them legally and since then, I've been relapsing four times a year. after each relapse, id be out of cigs and just decide daily that today, I would not buy cigarettes and then forget about smoking after a few weeks

 

my trigger is always the same. I look forward to spending time with someone close. my dad or my aunt or my girlfriend or a platonic pal. but if they have to cancel, I feel lonely and sad. during the first few months, im consciously thinking every day that I am done buying packs. but eventually, I forget to consciously make that choice.

 

then I feel sad over a situation that not only disappoints me but means that someone in my life who would be horrified if they ever saw me smoking is not going to be around for a few days and The Haze takes over and I smoke because I can get away with it. I smoke until it makes me sick (after three days of relapsing, by the 15th cigarette)

 

when I was 14, I thought I could never get addicted because more than 5 cigs a day made me throw up. it was only combining smoking with other drugs that would have me smoking two or three in a row and about half a pack a day

 

at 21, I thought smoking one pack every three months was not horrible and not really an addiction. but now im 23. This morning, I woke up, had my first smoke of the day and caught myself thinking if my cigs make me sick, maybe I could try a different brand, get the Belmont silvers instead of blues. I know that is just my disease talking and this needs to stop

 

after my last relapse three months ago, I got really into diet and exercise. Today im on the third day of my new relapse, smoking my third cigarette today and noticing that on my day off, I've usually hit the gym and done 10,000 steps by 8 am. but today, because I have relapsed, my only exercise is wandering the park smoking and I am at three thousand steps and feeling tired at noon when due to my new diet and exercise, I usually feel super awake and sharp by 5 am.

 

smoking is taking me away from the body I've been working to earn. Johnny5 is right. The cycle of relapse and thinking I do not have a problem is bullshit. I don't want to relapse anymore. I need to work out what to do when friends and family cancel and anti smokers aren't around and I need to cope with sometimes feeling a little lonely without smoking

 

thanks again

[Sazerac]

My Cigarette, My Friend by Joel Spitzer

[hesteralumni23]

I've decided to end my relapse earlier then usual and throw out my pack and the 10 cigs still inside. ughh. this has to be the end

[Sazerac]

 Congratulations on your decision to quit !

Maybe you'd like start a thread introducing your newly quit self in Introductions.

You may find writing a blog is useful to you and others, as well. 

We learn and find encouragement from each other's stories as well as gain perspective from our own writings.  

Please avail yourself to all the information here, education will give you a sturdy quit.