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I was doing so great... OMG

stzr500

By stzr500
in The S.O.S. Board

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stzr500 Newbie

stzr500

Posted
Posted

It's been 2 years Feb. 24th since I put the lung killers away. Anyway I will put it bluntly. I am an engineer for the railroad. Last Friday at night I struck and killed someone walking in the middle of the gauge at night. I will not give any details other than by no means was it the conductors or my fault. Did all we were suppose to do and he didn't move. The fact remains its a bit traumatizing knowing that you inadvertently took a human life. That is the pill I am having the most trouble swallowing. They are still investigating for drugs possible suicide or any other reason for him being there. All I know is my anxiety and cravings are threw the roof. Counselor can't see me until next week and I finally am back to work tomorrow. Just needed time off not disciplinary. Right now I guess I just need to vent and say a few things also. STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM RAILROAD TRACKS  if walking. What also bothers me is the fact that if it was a suicide or even an accident they moved on but they also affected someone else life which isn't fair !! I don't know I have no answers only questions and how to manage this new type of stress.

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  • Sad 4
Mona Mentor

Mona

Posted
Posted

Oh, how terrible @stzr500.  I agree with everything you say.  I know how bad I have felt when I have accidentally hit a tiny animal with my car.  It must be 10x worse when it is a human being.  I have no idea what to say except DON"T SMOKE!  Smoking will not fix anything and would create a second tragedy!!  Be strong.

  • Like 1
jillar Grand Master

jillar

Posted
Posted

I'm really sorry that happened to you stzr, it must have been awful and I totally understand how you would have major craves after something like that. Thank goodness you have two solid years quit under your belt. And that you knew to come post an SOS. 

You protected your quit, got it out and I hope you're feeling just a little better now...

  • Like 1
Martian5 Rising Star

Martian5

Posted
Posted

This must be so difficult.  Keep strong though it may be difficult, look for friends that may be able to talk to and to help you thru this until you can see the counseler -- it may help to deal with the unfamiliar stress you are dealing with.  In situations like this there are many questions with little to no answers at first.  Wish you the best!!!

  • Like 1
Rozuki Mentor

Rozuki

Posted
Posted

Oh, how awful for you and the conductor, @stzr500! Seems like immediate counseling before returning to work should be mandated by your railroad.....maybe you can take some time off until you speak with a counselor? No, life isn't always fair. You will have to be stronger than ever to get past this traumatic event ...but you know you are capable as you have over 2 years quit as your foundation. Sometimes it helps to write what you are feeling and questioning...perhaps using the blog feature here can help.

 

 

  • Like 1
Lilly Newbie

Lilly

Posted
Posted

Oh my god I am so sorry to read this. 

 

I don't know if you are really ready for work yet. You have no idea how you are going to feel until you get back in the train unfortunately. 

 

You're swinging between sadness and anger and that in itself is a big burden for anyone. I have zero tolerance for anyone that gets behind the wheel of a car (or other transport) drunk and kills other people, but you are an innocent person caught up in a tragedy. 

 

You need help as you may suffer with post traumatic stress so give work a miss until you see a professional. Your company will understand.

 

I really believe if you were going to smoke you would have done it last Friday. You're whole life changed in a heartbeat so it's no surprise you're struggling with everything. 

 

Take good care of yourself xxx

  • Like 1
Doreensfree Grand Master

Doreensfree

Posted
Posted

This is very sad to read ..

My heartfelt thoughts and prayers go out to you ,the conductor ,the person who lost his life and his family....

Wishing you get the correct help you need to deal with this ...

It's very sad for everyone involved ...

My Heartfelt Sympathy ...

  • Like 1
BAT Mentor

BAT

Posted
Posted

It is terrible and you just have to remember that there was nothing you could do about it. Smoking again certainly won't help and would be like putting yourself on the train tracks and running over yourself. .... Some advice for next time and trust me there will be a next time. Plug it and put your head down. Let the camera do the watching for you.

  • Like 1
Boo Veteran

Boo

Posted
Posted

Sorry to hear about what you're dealing with stzr500.

 

There never seems to be any clear cut answers in a situation like this, only more questions.

 

Good job on keeping your quit intact.  Stay strong.

stzr500 Newbie

stzr500

Posted
  • Author
Posted

thank you everyone for the support. Yes it's true if i was going to light up it probably would've been friday night or saturday morning. I did go the whole night with no sleep on friday. I did see the doc and minister today. Both went well. My minister nailed right on when she said probably the thing that bothers me the most without realizing it was...There was nothing I could do. I wanted to move him out of the way but there was nothing I could do. Helpless and not in control which is completely against human nature. I will not light up I just wont do it. Thank you all again for your support in means a lot !!

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  • Like 6
jillar Grand Master

jillar

Posted
Posted

I'm glad you were able to see your Dr and minister stzr. I can't imagine how hard this has been on all involved. Please know you're in our thoughts as you return to work. And if it's too much too soon I'm sure your boss will understand if you need more time to recover from this tragedy....

  • Like 2
MLMR Rising Star

MLMR

Posted
Posted

I am so sorry for you. I dont know what to say, except that I whish you all the strength and wisdom to deal with this. 

 

I admire you for keeping your quit. Thats mighty strong. Please come back here when you need it.  

  • Like 1
sgt.barney Apprentice

sgt.barney

Posted
Posted

 

If one is walking in the middle of railroad tracks it is suicide.
Nothing more. 
Nothing less. 
Suicide. 

The only question is was it intentional or not.
Did he do it on purpose or was it accidental.
In either case ... it is his fault, not yours. 

You did not kill that individual.
He killed himself.  

EZPZ



P.S. : Smoking won't help. 

 

  • Like 1

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QuitTrain®, a quit smoking support community, was created by former smokers who have a deep desire to help people quit smoking and to help keep those quits intact.  This place should be a safe haven to escape the daily grind and focus on protecting our quits.  We don't believe that there is a "one size fits all" approach when it comes to quitting smoking.  Each of us has our own unique set of circumstances which contributes to how we go about quitting and more importantly, how we keep our quits.

 

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