Not this again..

[MLMR]

Didn't think I would need this part of the board again, yet here I am. There's just too much sh*t going on again. My whole being believes smoking will give me my sense of self back, my confidence. Like, then at least I have something thats mine and mine alone, to fall back on. 

 

I dont get how after all this time and after all the highs this thing still can be so overwhelmingly present.

 

I dont have ammo ready and that scares the crap out of me. I should know better by now, NOPE is my ammo and its at my service, 24 hrs a day. These are just... emotions. They will pass. 

 

Arghh arghhh arghhh!!!!!

 

 

 

 

[Doreensfree]

It doesn't matter about the amount of times you use a SOS....I'm so happy you have ...

Sorry your having a bad time just now ....

You have stayed strong thought out your quit ....I know you will stay strong now ...

It will pass Sweetie ....stay close just now ...

[MLMR]

I am so tired of fighting!! I miss my old self, the way I pushed through when i was anxious, I had more flair, I laughed way more. I want all of that back. Its like I am losing ons thing after another. Friend died, love troubles, work which doesnt fullfill me anymore. And I debunked al the smokey thoughts, I studied and learned, kept believing and reaching out and all for... What?!

 

I. Just. Want. To. Be. Ok. And. At. Peace. And. Not. Have. This. Giant. Self. Doubt.

 

Shit 

 

 

 

[Doreensfree]

When crap happens ....its hard to be our normal selves ...I too lost my dear friend.......this is grief ....

 Smoking won't change anything ....

Ask yourself why you quit in the first place ......was it your health ....it was mine ....that  hasn't changed ....I still need to stay quit for my health ....

Your still very early in your quit ..your body and your mind is still adjusting ....

There is only one way you will feel more content in your quit ...that time ....you need to give it time ....

 

[MLMR]

I know that this is life. I keep telling myself that. And that its ok to hurt. And smoking wont make a hell of a difference. Well yes it would, it would make me hate myself. And thats the least i should want right now. 

 

I really had good hope anxiety would keep diminishing. But its not and i am so disappointed. I aimed for that to happen. And now i find myself dealing with it almost every day again. This ongoing terror voice of how i will never ever be able to reach expectations. I try to meditate, to breath deep, to laugh about it, whatever. I am so so so done with that, yet I dont see how it will ever subside. It ruins my day, my work, my relations. 

 

 

[Doreensfree]

You would hate yourself ..your so right ......you have a really good quit going now ...one to be proud of ....

And you don't want to lose it ...because your here....

You have to stay strong ...fight M....

[notsmokinjo]

What expectations will you never meet? Just talking quit here...expectation that you can go 1 hour without a smoke... mastered... Expectation you can go one day without a smoke...nailed it...and a week, and a month, etc....but honestly to have a successful quit you only ever have to focus on one day at a time. 

 

I'm sorry today is a rough one....but you have come so far despite all the horrible things you have faced since you quit...you are right you are not the person you were before you quit...you used to think you could only be strong puffing on a cigarette, hiding behind a cloud of smoke...but now despite all the hurdles you face, you are standing strong on your own two feet...saying here I am life, give me your worst and I will stand strong, and tall and true... You are so much stronger now than when you first quit...you amaze me at times because you deal with many things others don't face and still you do not smoke....I know when your down it seems so much worse but it's not... You can do this chook.

[MLMR]

Thanks both for bucking me up. 

 

I am still hanging in. Honestly dont know how. 

 

@notsmokinjo, expectations that are beyond realistic. I dont conciously put myself up to meet them, it happens all under the surface. I have only so much room to deal with them... it really is a bitter pill to swallow, that it has become worse. I even have it here, i am am often terrified what people will think. Its crippling, really. But from time to time i have to write, to protect my quit.

 

I know fear is a concept and i know I generate it myself. Thats the most frustrating part. 

 

I sure hope to find my confident self soon enough. 

 

 

[notsmokinjo]

The most important person you need to worry about what they think is yourself...do what makes you proud to be you, be proud of yourself, know your self worth...the people who matter will not care if you are not perfect or kicking goals all the time...they will not care if you have a bumpy day, or a grumpy day.... Succeeding in life is not so much about how much you achieve and what you have but being happy and satisfied with what you have achieved.

[MLMR]

Ofcourse i know that... But, tell it to that part of my brain thats home to a nasty stinkin green smelly monster!

Trust me, if it were that easy, just being satisfied with what I have achieved (which is, if you ask me, way below what I am able to)... 

 

And thats dawning more and more. These moodswings and anxiety problems have robbed me from so many things, since I was a kid. I am grieving and coming to terms with what I could have become/done etc. Yes I know, could have should have would have doesnt bring anywhere. 

 

Well, time to put some loud music  on and clean the cats toilet. At least i am 4 hours away from where this morning got me 

[Ankush]

If you've written down the reasons as to why you quit smoking, read them again. Look at the positive, you managed to stay away from cigarettes all through the bad times you've had after quitting. That's a good thing and that should give a boost to your confidence. At the risk of sounding repetitive (especially since I've given the same advice before), punching and kicking something (even if its just the air) will help to get your anger and grief out. If possible, take up Boxing or something similar. And even after getting your grief out, Boxing or whatever you decide to take up, will be a great way to keep physically fit and build confidence. If possible, talk to some friends and/or to a family member who will listen to you, and will communicate transparently and openly with you without judgement.

Edited April 1, 2019 by Ankush

[MLMR]

@notsmokinjo im sorry, my previous reaction may have come across as ungrateful. I dont mean it like that. I know you mean well and you are probably right. Everything is a bit blurry here and i can become bitchy when i am actually a bit mad with myself. Again, no offence. 

 

 

[babs609]

the first year is tough...but, you have come so far!  I remember feeling frustrated even at 10 months.

The addict in you tries to convince you that the way you react to life circumstances are a result of you quitting.  Actually...your reactions and thoughts are a result of having been a smoker in the first place.  Your brain is doing some serious rewiring....this is the toughest part but as long as you don't take a puff, you are one day closer to complete freedom.  The opposite is true if you DO take a puff.  

Keep on keeping on!!!  

 

[notsmokinjo]

21 minutes ago, MLMR said:

@notsmokinjo im sorry, my previous reaction may have come across as ungrateful. I dont mean it like that. I know you mean well and you are probably right. Everything is a bit blurry here and i can become bitchy when i am actually a bit mad with myself. Again, no offence. 

 

 

 

Not at all... I did not think that at all... I just want you to realise how far I think you have come and how much you have grown and see yourself for the strong, powerful woman you are. All good sweetie. I need to take my own advice most of the time, so I understanding your sentiments exactly, about knowing it and acting it. I just believe if enough people who care and worry about us tell us these things, one day the message will sink in and we will follow the advice.

 

Yes you could have been something different but you are not, you are who you are, perfect despite your imperfections. So of course you can grieve what might have been but don't forget to rejoice in what you are too.

Edited April 1, 2019 by notsmokinjo

[Paul723]

Embrace the new better normal.  Look forward instead of back.  The things you think you have lost by quitting smoking are not gone, that's a lie your addicting is trying to use.  The only thing you are giving up is smoking.  You have a lot more self realization and self esteem and this doesn't allow for as many easy lies we used to tell ourselves.  You've changed and it's good.

[MLMR]

1 hour ago, notsmokinjo said:

 

Not at all... I did not think that at all... I just want you to realise how far I think you have come and how much you have grown and see yourself for the strong, powerful woman you are. All good sweetie. 

 

THANKS for this. Seeing these things would be bliss, right now I am mainly glad that the worst part is over. There must be a moment in the future where i realise all that.

 

I went to the beach and took a long walk. After that, I drove to a nearby park and walked for another hour or so. Back home I wrote myself a letter, about how far Ive come and that there are better times ahead. Put in on my fridge. 

 

Thanks @Doreensfree for telling me to stay close. It helped me a big deal.

@Ankush,  you are right about the exercize tips. I still take daily walks to release tension. I never thought of exercize in relation to grieving. Will concider it. @babs609, that is true. About rewiring and certain reactions to life because of having smoked for such a long time. I tend to forget that I am 'only' at seven months... I always feel like it should be done by now... ok so it doesnt work like that.  And @Paul723, I really, really try to believe you. Yet, I have changed since quitting. Sure, lot of it is good..but i dont always like this new me. I really try to have faith in the proces and I keep telling myself that I am not there yet... and that I will like myself again, sooner or later...

 

 

[jillar]

I'm so glad these great people were here for you MLMR, and I'm so glad you protected your quit and posted here so they could. 

I'm not sure if you take meds for your anxiety but if you do you may want to see your Dr to see if the dose is still right for you. Lots of quitters find that meds need to be adjusted after quitting.

You've been through a lot during your quit so it's only normal for you to feel down. I think even if you still smoked you would feel the same but you would stink and cough and have less money, etc....

You remind me a lot of my sister who is always worried about what other people think. So much so that she never says no and is always stressed out. That's no way to live. You gotta do you and be yourself and don't worry about what others think.

You've got a fabulous quit going and there may still be bumps in the road but I promise you they will become fewer and farther between the longer you are quit

[Martian5]

MLMR -- it is good that you are coming here to post -- do it often if needed to help you get thru the tough times.  I believe you have the confidence in yourself or you would not come here.  There will be tough times as you go thru this but each time you make it thru it gets a little bit better and a little bit easier.  There is much to learn and "re-wire" in the first year but as each month passes towards that 12 month mark you will see little differences (you make reference to that) then use that to get to know the "new you".  You can do this!!!!

[Lilly]

MLMR obviously I have no advice to give you given my own quit history. 

 

I did want to say though that your posts probably help so many people. I know for sure they really help me. 

 

There's lots of people who seem to go along nicely but your heartfelt posts are wonderful for people. They show that quitting isn't always easy, that just because you want to quit doesn't mean it is the greatest feeling and that actually quitting can be hard. That is what some of us need to know. 

 

I hope you find some happiness but I hope you also know how many you are helping

[johnny5]

Thank you for posting an SOS, MLMR.  You have too good of a quit to throw away and you know you would be miserable if you did light back up.

 

As far as feeling normal again, life as a smoker isn't normal.  Re-adjusting to a smoke-free life can take a lot of effort and anxiety but you are much better living the normal life of not smoking cigarettes.

 

Feel free to post an SOS anytime you need.  You did great in fighting through this.

[sgt.barney]

19 hours ago, MLMR said:

 My whole being believes smoking will give me my sense of self back, my confidence. Like, then at least I have something thats mine and mine alone, to fall back on. 

 

 

Of course not - don't be ridiculous. 
 

 

 

[MLMR]

@jillar I take meds occasionally. When I have a really busy week, or in case its super extra ultra inconvenient.. but i find theyre addictive and they mess up my sleep. Besides, how awfull this all may be, I still convince myself I can grow through it. Meds dont help with that.

 

The strange thing is, I am not really concerned about what other people think. Not in day to day life.. i have a pretty well developed side in me thats all about, hey whatever, lets all just be nice and dont mind each other that much. You are ok, I am ok. Unless one of us is being a m.f. ofcourse. But when anxiety hits... its like I am suddenly covered in a big black cloak of judgemental thinking. It can trigger extreme thoughts and fears and usually when it happens, I hate myself for it (just to make matters worse). It can last ten minutes, or two days... often totally unpredictable.

 

I recently discovered Tiffany Jenkins, from 'Juggling the Jenkins'. A former addict, mother of 3 and dealing with depression and anxiety. She has some hilarious sketches, I love the way she is able to use humor on such dark subjects. People like her give me hope and make it lighter.

 

 

 

[MLMR]

@sgt.barney right on. 

 

I believed for half a day there that quitting actually took something away.

 

What was I thinking   

 

Thats hardcore junkie stuff. The real deal. 

 

 

[Mona]

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be mean but what about this?

 

"So, 7 month mark! Glad to be at this point and grateful for ploughing on and for all the encouraging words I received. Thanks so much for that.

 

Its probably time to put the board somewhat in the background. I think i need to push myself in the direction of 'life after quitting'. As glad and grateful as i am, i feel like I should re-focus now."

 

You posted that on March 22 and then, just 10 days later, you're all insecure and wanting everyone to hold your hand.  Obviously your quit isn't strong enough for you to fly solo yet.  You should stick around the board for a longer period of time.

 

Also, just my opinion, but you may gain strength by helping others.  Take the focus off of yourself and focus on the newbies.

 

I hope you don't take what I have to say the wrong way.  If I sound grouchy, I am.  It's day 1 for me.

[MLMR]

@Mona, im not sure if writing an sos is asking people to hold my hand. I think its about making space for myself, acknoledging that I am in a bad place.  So far, it helped and I can recommend it. 

 

Since ten days ago, as you quoted,  I still came here almost every day. Tried to conciously choose what to read and what not, instead of mindlessly consuming all thats on the board. 

 

Some days were better than others. Its been like that since the start and thats ok. I find this proces a remarkable one,  were the differences in my perception, faith, strength can vary very strongly, even from day to day. Ive had many highs,  and they are just as 'true' as the lows. Even with yesterday on my mind, I dare say I am strong in my quit and I believe I will make it to that first year lido deck. (And by saying strong in my quit, I dont mean reckless!)

 

As for cheering on newbies, I have reasons for not always doing that. Sometimes I do, sometimes I dont. I think everybody has their own way here, right? 

 

I whish you strength in your own quit, do you keep a diary or something? I might just drop a line  now and then