Somewhere in the middle..

[MLMR]

A while ago I wrote in my introduction post: 'I know it will take time, I know I want to take that time. And I am still terrified'. 160 days later I know it was worth every shiver.

 

Back then, all I could think of were things like, how am I going to get through the day? What will be my morning coffee like without a cig? Should I prepare myself for doomsday or will it be a matter of giving in to the proces and go with the flow? And... what if I fail, or worse, what if I succeed but my life will suck for the rest of it? Pretty ingenious stuff, really. How did I make that up!

 

Then, lots and lots and LOTS of debunking followed: I made it a near dayjob to research and expose every junky thought that crossed my mind. Writing them down, sharing them with this bunch of great people helped tremendously. I am not proud to admit it, but for a long time I found it too scary to cheer on newbies: afraid as I was they would give up on their quit and just disappear.. I felt I needed succes stories to feed on.

 

There's two major things on my 'surprsing advantages list', that I hoped would happen. It's only been two weeks or so that I dare speak of it out loud... 1. panic attacks don't find me very attractive anymore and 2. chronic underlying depression is crawling away backwards, tail between it's legs. These are huge things, concidering I've been dealing with both for almost as long as I can remember and have been therapying my ass off for at least half my life. As you may notice, I still don't talk about it as if I were super exited. I guess it needs to sink in deeper before my whole being feels safe enough to addept to these changes. But that's ok,  that will happen. 

 

It is possible to go through life events and remain smokefree, even early on. Someone I held dear, passed away. Insanely sad, because it was her (unexpected) own choice. I can't imagine what nightmare her loved ones are going through. It's also a theme that I've been struggeling with twice, around my 20s. (Grateful to be able to speak about it). So, memories and tears on different levels. Biggest trigger came knocking on my door: disconnectedness. But hey, I wouldn't do it the old way anymore right? So, I figured out ways to connect, even if it was calling a friend in the middle of the night and say nothing at all. 

 

And then last weekend, relationship bomb crash tragedy. Something that was bound to happen and kept being postponed by the both of us. I experience pain, relief, fear of lonelyness, a cautious thinking of the future. I know that processing will come in waves... and most likely at least some of the waves will test my willpower. Amidst all this, I have a little glint about keeping my quit. Because really, nobody is taking this away from me. I will fight for it, no matter what. (And I will rise like a godd*mn phoenix, but that sounds so theatrical). 

 

The reason I choose to write these things so openly, is that they happen. They are real, human events and they tell stories of brittleness. Where I live, 1 in 4 people has to deal, at some point in their lives, with mental illness. Thats huge. People lose people and that hurts. There's no pretending about that. 

 

To all newbies and lurkers, do protect what is solely yours. Don't make events or people responsible for lighting up.. find your strength, dig deep or stay shallow and plaugh on if thats what works for you. Please know that this is doable also for you and know that every person here has their story. 

I believe our stories shape us, but by quitting we can turn things around: we are shaping our stories.

 

 

 

Edited January 29, 2019 by MLMR

[Paul723]

Remarkable writing.

[Sazerac]

What a splendid testimonial, M'life.

You have shaped your story in a truthful and accessible way.

Thank you for taking the time to share it with all of us.

We are behind you and beside you.

[Mee]

MLMR you actually are my hero.  Being able to freely talk about your struggles with mental illness and share it with others is so brave.  There has always been such a stigma associated with mental illness, many of us who deal with the same issues are afraid to talk about it.  Following you story is a true inspiration.  I hope you realize how strong you are and know that you will also be able to weather the decision to end your relationship.   Be patient, pamper yourself and know that the best is yet to come.

[Joe7]

Good post MLMR. Thanks for sharing it.

[Doreensfree]

A lovely honest  post M...

It's been a pleasure to have been on your journey with us....

Watching you get stronger ,is great to witness...you are a strong lady...I'm so proud of you ...

[jillar]

Thank you for sharing this MLMR...xoxo

[Rozuki]

Fabulous insights, MLMR.....this especially resonated with me "Amidst all this, I have a little glint about keeping my quit. Because really, nobody is taking this away from me. I will fight for it, no matter what."

 

You are a warrior woman, that is for sure.....so proud of you!

[notsmokinjo]

It never ceases to amaze me how quitting smoking makes us grow so much within ourselves...it's like when the 'smoke' clears there is a new clarity, a new strength and a new awareness not just to what is around us but also what is within us. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your journey with us @MLMR... Be proud of you because you should be.

[Wantsit]

That was an outstanding read MLMR. Thank you for sharing and stay true to yourself.