'a Journey'  is the philosophical way of looking at it. 'Shitty, empowering and highly challenging' is what I'd rather call it. 

 

If there's one thing I know after 145 days of being smoke free, it's that I. WILL. NEVER. EVER. PUT. MYSELF.THROUGH. THIS. CRAP. EVER. AGAIN. Crystal clear motivation. 

 

Quitting has had an effect on my relationships, my work, my daily rhytm, my everything. It's like I am reinventing myself, but not in a gradual, beautiful way. At some point the caterpillar seemed to evolve in something completely different than a colourful butterfly... 

 

The dust is still settling. I've come to some pretty sad but strengthening conclusions: I am capable of mourning and going to a funeral of someone I hold dear and not smoke. I can find myself in the middle of relationship crisis and still stand my ground.  I found some consolation in staying true to myself, regarding my quit. I can deal with heavy panick attacks and remain without cigarettes . Anxiety seems to be diminishing by the way, but since that would be a glorious hallelujah and I am so afraid of disappointing myself with hope, for now I won't be focussing on that (but yeah. It is actually less of a daily base problem. Hoooly cow. Aaahhhhhh. Imagine if that pattern persists. I would get back part of my life).  I discovered that I'm pretty much through with my job but I have to endure untill I find something else. Realisation of missing out on proper grown-up education hits harder than ever, now that I'm unable to dull these thoughts. But there's a tiny glimpse of something new: 'if I can do this, I may be capable of so much more'. Shitting seven colours... but looking in to re-educating. 

I am learning to dance my waltz with time. If quitting does one thing, it's messing with perspective. Since one month or so, I feel like I am regaining 3D view again. I am able to see depth once more and I am learning to be here now, without losing my horison. 

Next week will mark five months for me. I have many reasons to continue like I do. But one thought is most empowering: it's all in my hands!

Edited January 14, 20197 yr by MLMR

GREAT post MLMR, and you can bet it still will get better and better with time  

21 minutes ago, MLMR said:

But there's a tiny glimpse of something new: 'if I can do this, I may be capable of so much more'.

 

I know this was an epiphany for me in my quit,

The honesty that I showed myself in quitting, continues in every part of my life.

I can trust myself

and I am capable of anything I choose to do.

After quitting the addiction, everything else is small potatoes, really.

 

and, like you

 

25 minutes ago, MLMR said:

I. WILL. NEVER. EVER. PUT. MYSELF.THROUGH. THIS. CRAP. EVER. AGAIN.

 

The victory is well earned and the benefits continue.

That’s some mighty fine self reflection MLMR, very encouraging.  I, too,  used the agony of quitting as motivation to stay quit. Hell no I’m never going through that again!!! 

 

Sound’s like you conquered some pretty big life stressors without smoking. That’s a big deal!

 

Carry on... 

You are doing great, MLMR!

Good for you, MLMR....as time goes on things, things in your life will get even clearer and your quit even more empowering!?