Smoking spouse

[Wantsit]

Just out of curiosity...do any of you have spouses that continue to smoke? I'm finding it hard to deal with the smells at times. She doesn't smoke while in our truck and we never smoked in our homes, but when she comes in from having one I can hardly stand it. I try and remember it's only been a month and 8 days or whatever, and I don't want to be one of those people that start bitching now that I'm not smoking , but how do you deal with it ?  Finding it tough right now.

[Reciprocity]

I smoked for several years after my wife quit. She would comment once in awhile that she knew I just had a cig when I could not smell anything at all. She was really good about it though as she never did this in a way that made me feel bad or guilty. I always tried to be careful about smoking around her though because I respected the fact she was now a non-smoker and likely more sensitive to the smell of smoking.

 

I'm not sure there's any way to approach this with your wife in a manner that won't have her all up in arms about it. Smokers get pretty defensive about stuff like that - I know I did and I suspect you probably did too. More and more smokers are the outcasts of society these days so when your significant other starts in on you ..... look out. 

 

If she is respecting your situation, in terms of not smoking openly around you and subjecting you to her second hand smoke on a regular basis, I would say that's probably the best you can hope for until she too is ready to quit. That may just happen too as you are setting a great example for her  

[jillar]

We've had a lot of successful members who had a smoking spouse wantsit. Mine has always been a nonsmoker so I can't comment on that part BUT I can tell you that you're setting a great example for her to quit also  

[Doreensfree]

It's only when you quit ..you get to know how horrible that smell is ...as a smoker you carnt smell it ...

I agree ...hopefully your wife will see how brilliant you are doing ...and want to join you....

Deep down every smoker would love to quit ....

[WeegieWoman]

My husband is a social smoker, he basically smokes on a Friday night. My father in law also stays with us on a Thursday and he smokes. It's pure rank. And omg kissing a smoker is so gross. Hands up I do say you stink, get away from me, omg you are stinking, aw man that smoke is awful etc. For me, saying nothing is not an option. To say nothing makes is seem like it's ok and clearly it's not. But each to their own. I don't give a shit if it pisses off my husband either. Suck it up or quit. 

 

I did struggle a wee bit one night as I love my husband with all my heart and I was thinking what's the point in me quitting and him not. I really strongly felt that. No point me saving my health if he's just throwing his away. But my pals talked me round. Do not let your partners smoking jeopardise your own quit!!! Really cherish your quit and hold onto it dearly. 

 

You asked how we deal with the smells? I just think ewww I'm sooo glad I don't smell like that anymore! It's so disgusting! And move on....

 

 

[catlover]

My situation is similar to yours Weegie. My husband smokes at work, but never when he comes home for the evening or at weekends when he is with me. I can tell he has been smoking even when he tries to cover it up with body spray. It is a horrible smell, and I also thought why should I bother quitting if he is'nt!!!! At first it made me really mad as he initially quit about the same time as me, but then started the few at work. I have no idea how he refrains from smoking evenings and weekends, if it was me I would be back to 20 a day by now.

I am glad he is respectful of me and I never see him smoke, but I do resent him a bit and wish he would stop. However I have told myself he is responsible for what he does, and I want to hang on to my quit and I am so proud of it. Hopefully he will stop soon. I know he worries about his Mom who is in a nursing home with Dementia and going downhill fast, so maybe that is his way of coping.

Look after you and your quit

[I Got This (T)]

I quit smoking 2 months ago and my husband still smokes. At times it can be pretty hard, but it does get easier. I defintely don't miss standing out in the freezing cold shivering and smoking... which I am reminded of every time he goes out for a smoke.

[sgt.barney]

Mrs. Sarge smoked for close to 3 years after The Sarge quit. (She's been quit 4 years now) 
At all times there were packs of smokes laying around, ashtrays all over the house, cartons in the cabinet/pantry ... 

How do you deal with it? 
You don't. 
There is nothing to "deal with". 
You are quit and your spouse is not. 
No. Big. Deal. 
You just carry on with your plan. 

It was never a problem for The Sarges. 
It won't be a problem for you if you don't want it to be. 
If you are hedging for excuses, this it the perfect excuse. 
Don't. Do. That. 
It's not at all a problem if you don't want it to be. 


EZPZ

 

[Wayne045]

I've never had a spouse so maybe not as qualified to comment, but I will anyway.   I watched this scenario play out prior to when I started smoking.   My Dad tried to quit way back in the mid 70's but my Mom didn't,  he made it almost a week with my Mom still smoking all over the house.  I think Dad would have been successful it it wasn't literally in his face the entire time.  He even said that to her face when she made a comment about willpower after he caved.  This was the 70's though, so of course smokers could smoke anywhere, anytime,  it didn't even occur to Mom to maybe go to the garage or outside to smoke.

 

My parents continued smoking up until their deaths, both had COPD/emphysema and both were very sedentary in their retirements.   My dad went into the hospital for the first (and last) time when he developed pneumonia.  He was forced to quit in the hospital, they gave him nicotine patches, but I'm sure he died wanting a cigarette.

 

My Mom was also forced to quit when her breathing got so bad she had to have oxygen 24/7.   It was a forced quit.   Also a cold-turkey quit as she refused any NRT.

[Wantsit]

12 hours ago, sgt.barney said:

Mrs. Sarge smoked for close to 3 years after The Sarge quit. (She's been quit 4 years now) 
At all times there were packs of smokes laying around, ashtrays all over the house, cartons in the cabinet/pantry ... 

How do you deal with it? 
You don't. 
There is nothing to "deal with". 
You are quit and your spouse is not. 
No. Big. Deal. 
You just carry on with your plan. 

It was never a problem for The Sarges. 
It won't be a problem for you if you don't want it to be. 
If you are hedging for excuses, this it the perfect excuse. 
Don't. Do. That. 
It's not at all a problem if you don't want it to be. 


EZPZ

 

Thanks Sarge  but not looking for a hedge to start again. I have no desire to. There are never any packs laying around or ashtrays full, as I stated we do not smoke in our home and haven't for 20 years. I do hate the smell now point blank. She knows it, but cannot stop. I do not want want it to be a problem but will say when in a truck that smells of smoke...that is a problem , and made it hard for me to deal with , you are no undeniably a stronger person than I am as that made me want to smoke worse than I have in my quit.  I do have to deal with it...and will. Just looking to see how others did.

[notsmokinjo]

Hey @Sslip you have any words of wisdom for Wantsit??

 

 

[Sslip]

A little different here. For the most part my wife vapes, so the smell isn't quite the same.

 

On 12/11/2018 at 6:11 PM, Wantsit said:

when she comes in from having one I can hardly stand it.

 

I'm not sure whether you mean you find it disgusting or appealing.

 

I think the key is to recognize the smell for what it is. If you find it objectionable then that should re-emphasize the benefits of the smart choice you have made. If you find the smell appealing and it causes you to question what you are missing out on then the key to that is to make sure you have that recall of why you have quit. For me, it was a struggle, but I recognized what damage I was doing to myself in so many ways. I didn't want to go back to that.

 

Whatever you do, you make your choice, but it is impossible for you to make it for others. That is all down to them and you can only set a good example. Maybe make sure you have a money jar for you to put the savings in to and treat yourself to something really quite special when you have the cash to do so.

[Wantsit]

10 hours ago, Sslip said:

A little different here. For the most part my wife vapes, so the smell isn't quite the same.

 

 

I'm not sure whether you mean you find it disgusting or appealing.

 

I think the key is to recognize the smell for what it is. If you find it objectionable then that should re-emphasize the benefits of the smart choice you have made. If you find the smell appealing and it causes you to question what you are missing out on then the key to that is to make sure you have that recall of why you have quit. For me, it was a struggle, but I recognized what damage I was doing to myself in so many ways. I didn't want to go back to that.

 

Whatever you do, you make your choice, but it is impossible for you to make it for others. That is all down to them and you can only set a good example. Maybe make sure you have a money jar for you to put the savings in to and treat yourself to something really quite special when you have the cash to do so.

Sslip,

 

The problem is I now find the smell disgusting. It  just stinks...period. I won't tell her she has to quit because I never know what will happen with me, I'm not even 2 months in yet. But some times it does make it hard for me and at the same time pisses me off. It's her call..I hope I make so she will see the difference it makes with me and decides do it as well. We all make our own choices and mine is to not smoke .  I'm thinking a new driver or putter this spring for my little reward.  

[Doreensfree]

People have to want to quit ...you carnt force them...or degrade them ...it doesn't work...

It just makes them more determined to smoke....

I know this by experience....

All you can do is let her see how wonderful it is to be free....and yes Rewards....just concentrate on your Quit....

I hope she joins you too....

[Reciprocity]

Sslip's idea of the money jar is a good one. Setting up and actual "quit, - money jar" and putting real money in it every day or at least every week might actually be a good subtle way of illustrating just one quit benefit to your wife. You can talk about saving until you're blue in the face but seeing IS believing! I expect it would give her pause for thought anyway.

 

 

[sgt.barney]

 

On 12/13/2018 at 11:32 PM, Wantsit said:

 

that is a problem 

 

The Sarge says again, with emphasis:

It's not at all a problem if you don't want it to be. 

You have a choice here. 

EZPZ
 

[Wantsit]

1 hour ago, sgt.barney said:

 

The Sarge says again, with emphasis:

It's not at all a problem if you don't want it to be. 

You have a choice here. 

EZPZ
 

Wantsit says with emphasis:

 

No problem...we work together on this.

 

Our choice.

 

EZPZ

Edited December 19, 2018 by Wantsit

[sgt.barney]

On 12/18/2018 at 9:40 PM, Wantsit said:

No problem

 

On 12/13/2018 at 11:32 PM, Wantsit said:

that is a problem

Hmmmmm ...


EZPZ

[Lilly]

I live with two smokers and I notice the smell but only if I make a conscious effort to. 

 

I was married to a non smoker and he never once mentioned the smell. I think ex smokers make a bigger deal out of it (or anything else to do with smoking) than non smokers do. 

 

You smelt like that for years and probably blew that smell in everyone's face every time you spoke lol

[Jack9211]

i feel very fortunate that my wife and i are quitting together....i can only imagine how hard that would be. even if sarge says it doesn't matter.....hahaha

 

[Wantsit]

Lilly, I'm somewhat a freak when it comes to smoke. I hate the way it smells, that's one of the reasons I quit, after all those years. I was tired of always having to try to hide it. Gum always, cologne on almost all the time. Most people never new I smoked , this coming from them. I am not going to be one of those ex smokers that bag people that do smoke . My point was it is hard for me to to be in a vehicle that smells of stale smoke, smelling smoke on my wife is hard no matter how hard I try. I noticed it when we both smoked. I just hate it more now than ever. I will get over it or used to it, but do not have to like it.  would rather be like this than smoking again. That I never want.

[Lilly]

6 hours ago, Wantsit said:

Lilly, I'm somewhat a freak when it comes to smoke. I hate the way it smells, that's one of the reasons I quit, after all those years. I was tired of always having to try to hide it. Gum always, cologne on almost all the time. Most people never new I smoked , this coming from them. I am not going to be one of those ex smokers that bag people that do smoke . My point was it is hard for me to to be in a vehicle that smells of stale smoke, smelling smoke on my wife is hard no matter how hard I try. I noticed it when we both smoked. I just hate it more now than ever. I will get over it or used to it, but do not have to like it.  would rather be like this than smoking again. That I never want.

 

Can you come to an agreement where nobody smokes in the car unless it's a long journey? 

 

You're doing great with your quit - really happy for you.