This is going to be long.

[ChosenFreedom]

 

I'm a 33-year old single mom from the Philippines. I started smoking when I was 14. 

 

Around mid August, my kid got sick with bronchitis.
Right around that time, I found out that the house I was renting had a mold infestation which I had to fix, of course.
Money got tight, sleep was few and far between.
A week later, kid is well and home but mold infestation which I had spent a good chunk of money fixing is back with a vengeance.

Then I find out the house itself is foreclosed and if it gets sold soon, my son and I will be homeless. 

 

Then comes September. I get the flu and a cough that won't go away. Thinking I got bronchitis too, I had it checked and was prescribed meds. I almost died from the medication. My heart rate was double the normal and apparently, had I slept it off as I initially decided, I wouldn't have woken up.

I was told I either had a problem with my heart or my thyroid and a barrage of tests was done. All this time I was thinking it's the lungs. I've been smoking for almost two decades - it's probably it.

Turns out my lungs are clear and it was my thyroid, but then there was a bump on my chest that may be a melanoma. So I had to go through a minor surgery to have it removed and biopsied.

 

Waiting for the results was the hardest. On one end I was scared it was cancer because I smoked, on the other, I smoked because I was scared it was cancer. 

 

All of these events were making my head a bad space to be in. Having had depression in my early 20s, I was determined to avoid it at all costs. I succeeded with that but I had no idea panic/anxiety attacks were just around the corner.

 

I thought getting good results back would make them go away, but they didn't. The worst attack was last week when my cousin died.. of cancer.

 

So in a moment of insanity/genius, I sat down and finally opened Jason Vale's Stop Smoking in 2 hours app that I had downloaded over a month ago.

 

I'm on day 2. I know it's a smart move because obviously, I get nothing from this horrible addiction and quitting is the best decision I could have ever made. 

But I'm obviously not in my best mental state. There was no preparation. There's no significance to my quit date, I didn't choose it beforehand. The app said I needed 2 hours straight to listen to it. I had two hours that day so I listened.

By the end of the two hours, the voice on the audio was telling me to have my last cigarette. I was like "uhm... now?... Okay.. I guess" and had it.

 

I'm concerned that I didn't get to properly have my last cig. One can argue whether a proper goodbye is really needed but my bigger concern is this lack of goodbye maybe what makes me relapse.

 

To be honest I'm not thinking of having another cig or a next cig or one more cig. But I'm having a hard time brushing aside the thoughts of that final cig that I didn't get to internalize.

It's causing me anxiety and giving me thoughts that I should probably just have that last cig now and be done with it and restart while the decision to quit is still fresh and strong rather than wait it out and relapse bad.

 

Then again.. that single puff could be it.

 

This feels more like an S.O.S. than an introduction. Sorry.

[c9jane29]

Congratulations on quitting!! It's the absolute best thing you will ever do for yourself and you kid!! 

24 minutes ago, ChosenFreedom said:

I'm concerned that I didn't get to properly have my last cig. One can argue whether a proper goodbye is really needed but my bigger concern is this lack of goodbye maybe what makes me relapse.

This is called "romancing" the cigarette. Your nicotine receptors are dying and crying for anything to get more drugs. For the longest time, you let nicotine dictate when you were happy by the dopamine release that comes in the first drag. (If you remember cigarettes taste awful) now you are probably missing that feeling. 

This is where the rewards system comes in. Chocolate, sex, exercise will all release the feel good chemicals your brain is craving. Find a reward.that works for you

Also, eat small snacks during the day to keep your blood sugar up (this will also help with moodswings from low blood sugar)

Just remember! YOU are in control! Those are not cravings, they are memories from when you use to smoke and now you don't; so don't give them any more time to make you crazy. Just say "NOPE! I'm a non-smoker!" And find something else to do to redirect brain activity.

Anyway....welcome to the train! There is so much great information here! Read everything you can on nicotine addiction, set your mind to it and just do it!! 

Edited November 15, 2018 by c9jane29

[ChosenFreedom]

Thank you so much for your response c9jane29. I haven't read much on the forums yet so I'm quite new to this romancing the cigarette idea and that it's dopamine I need and not nicotine. Funnily enough, I haven't exercised today yet. 

I'm going to go ahead and do it now and make this terrorist go away. Thanks again!

 

[c9jane29]

When you start feeling that way (romancing) run thru the list

H.A.L.T-- are you hungry, angry, lonely, tired? These are big "triggers" that cause smoking thoughts.

[Sazerac]

Hello Freedom and welcome to the forum.

Congratulations on quitting smoking !

All of us here are proof that quitting is possible.

THE best tool to quit smoking is education

so, use the resources here and read read read.

Watch the scary movies.

You may find this post helpful,

10 Ways To Effectively Use This Forum...

 

Let us know how you are doing.

[ChosenFreedom]

36 minutes ago, Sazerac said:

 

Let us know how you are doing.

 

Doing fine. I did as jane suggested and exercised. That seemed to make it go away long enough for the stores to close. It's definitely easier to brush the thoughts aside when I know there's no way I can get cigs. 

 

I've also spent a good chunk of time reading. I still have so many tabs open -- all of which I intend to read through. So far I'm happy to know that my general sleepiness throughout the day isn't just me. 

 

So much more to learn on this road to recovery. But I'm glad I'm on it.

[sgt.barney]

> I'm concerned that I didn't get to properly have my last cig.
>One can argue whether a proper goodbye is really needed but my bigger concern is this lack of goodbye maybe what makes me relapse.

There is no "last" - only "the next". 
A continuous, never-ending chain of The Next. 
You know this. 
You experienced damned near 2 continuous decades of The Next. One after another. Hour after hour. Day after day ... 

Even when you have the so-called "last" you will still have the same concerns about The Next ... and the next ... and the next. 
It is the fundamental nature of addiction. The thing that keeps folks coming back for more. The driver of relapses. 

You have had your "last". 
All you need do now is NEVER, under any circumstances, have The Next. 
Do this,  and you are Quit Forever.

EZPZ

 

[MLMR]

Hi CF, welcome here.

 

You made a great decision. Thanks for giving us some insight in where you are at, this moment. Keep doing that, it will help!

 

I smoked my last cigaret conciously, or so I thought. Because, honestly I can't remember. I know it was 20:08 pm.. I have no clue about how I felt at that moment, except that quitting in itself made me anxious. But I am glad, because here I am! And the fact that I quit is soooo much more valuable to me than how or when or with which emotion I smoked my last one.. Jane is right about romancing. You can read a lot about that on the board.   

 

Take good care of yourself these coming days. You are doing the right thing. 

[jillar]

Welcome chosenfreedom and congratulations on taking back your life I didn't have a planned quit date either and I think it worked out better that way. Having a planned date never worked for me, the anxiety of that day being the last was too much. So imo quitting like you did I was the way to go.

 

[ChosenFreedom]

12 minutes ago, MLMR said:

And the fact that I quit is soooo much more valuable to me than how or when or with which emotion I smoked my last one.. 

 

This line made me well up. Thank you. I had lost sight of that. Thank you.

 

I can't believe how emotional I've been since I quit. I cried the first night during the first hypnotherapy session. I've felt helpless knowing that I'm free but my sister nor my father aren't and there's nothing I can do to help them unless they decide to choose freedom for themselves. I've felt anger at how much time I wasted giving excuses, finding ways not to quit and how tobacco companies are making money, sleeping soundly as some of us suffer. 

 

So much emotion that I lost sight of the good. Thank you for reminding me.

[ChosenFreedom]

6 minutes ago, jillar said:

 I didn't have a planned quit date either and I think it worked out better that way. Having a planned date never worked for me, the anxiety of that day being the last was too much. So imo quitting like you did I was the way to go.

 

 

Haha! I was kinda happy that the day I quit was so insignificant. I figured, it's the fact that I quit that gives it its significance. On the flipside, it doesn't really matter when you became free, all that matters is you stay free. So I'm good with it either way.

[jillar]

2 minutes ago, ChosenFreedom said:

 I've felt helpless knowing that I'm free but my sister nor my father aren't and there's nothing I can do to help them unless they decide to choose freedom for themselves

 

Yes chosenfreedom they have to choose it for themselves but you successfully quitting will show them that they too can

[Mee]

Hi Freedom.  Wow, your story is amazing and shows how strong you are.  You have been able to forge through so many battles and now you are going to successfully forge through this one.

The first couple of days are the toughest and then it is just a matter of changing the way you think.  

I want you to know that I have battled depression, anxiety and panic attacks.  I always found that the attack occurred after the stress seemed to calm down.  I feel part of that is a mind game too.  We may be over the stress but we keep replaying it in our mind until our body says enough.  I have been on medication for this for years.  You might discuss this option with your physician because your emotions are going to be all over the place while you are quitting.

First, I am going to pray that your housing circumstance changes for the better and then that you and your son's health improves.  Your life will automatically change for the better with quitting smoking.  I am so glad you have found this forum and look forward to supporting you on this journey.  

You are doing great so far.  Keep staying strong and you will succeed.

 

[Wee fluffy me]

Hi chosenfreedom, welcome to the quit train, great to have you here ...

 

Now i did have a planned quit date but then like Jillar I decided to seize the moment before my quit date and never got to "enjoy" my last puff either.. but  truth is there was nothing to enjoy, I was only a slave to the addiction and a tipper truck full of mind games.. I know if I didn't jump in with both feet when I did then I would have missed my moment and I don't know how long, if ever it would have taken me to try again.. 

 

So DON'T romance the cigarette, don't give it an inch... Hold strong..This truly is the best decision of your life..

[Doreensfree]

Hello and welcome aboard...

So glad you found us....

There is a ton of great info to get you started on this amazing journey....learn all you can...about this horrible addiction ...

It's just like another addiction...always looking forward to the next little fix....

Your body will be all over the place for a little while...it's used to be fed ,all of those chemicals so many times a day...

Be kind to yourself...rest,..nice soaks in the bath..candles ...anything that makes you feel good...

I'm sorry you and your son are having housing trouble...sending good vibes to you....

I also remember my last cigarette.... Sitting on a step ,with tears rolling down my cheeks...knowing ...I didn't have a choice of whether to quit or not...

Don't romance something that is slowly destroying your  health.....but has you believe it's your friend ...

Not One Puff Ever....

This helped me quit ...and it will help you .....if you let it ....

[Jordan7]

Welcome Chosen, and yay for you!  A huge shout out to you for turning away from cigarettes, rather than towards them, when things got really tough.  With that kind of strength mixed with good sense, there's no doubt you are going to succeed and never regret this decision.  As rough as life has been for you lately, you've done what you needed to do to move past each obstacle, and you will do the same with smoking.  I'm sure many of us wish that we had made the decision to leave smoking behind forever by age 33,  and by doing so you are giving yourself the gift of a lifetime.  As hard as quitting may seem in the beginning, it always easier to stop when it's your choice rather than waiting until you "have to", and it seems as if the rewards are often much greater.

 

I did have a final cig, but didn't really believe it was the last for quite some time and was very creative at thinking up with reasons to have another -- the trick for me was to not believe my own nonsense and just make it to the next day smoke free, then repeat.    

[Sunshine59]

I don't know if this helps but these days i keep repeating these words to myself

 

Relax , Relax , Relax ... Then i eat a nicotine gum .My cravings are gone for few hours .

 

I am focusing a lot on relaxing techniques these days

 

Whenever i feel mental without cigarettes i tell myself to relax

 

I do not think we are naturally relaxed all the time , i think we are more restless most of the time , This could be confused for cravings

 

Anyway next time you feel stressed out or restless , Try Telling yourself to relax .

 

I am 1 hour and 17 minutes without any smoke .

 

There is a lot of restlessness and it can be easily confused for cravings , But its not , Its just i am bored and i am looking for some other activities to kill some time

 

If i cannot find any activities like that , because you cannot always find interesting activities to do .

 

I simply tell myself to Relax , Relax , Relax .

 

I am also trying to read  a lot about relaxation techniques

[Martian5]

Welcome aboard Chosen, this is one of the greatest journey's you will ever take and it will be the most rewarding.  Not much to add since the others have chimed in.  One hint, come here daily for at least the NOPE pledge (it really does work) and try out the other sections -- congrats on taking your life back!!!!

[johnny5]

Welcome aboard, Chosen.  Congrats on quitting smoking.

 

I am really sorry for all the tough things you are going through right now but you have made a great decision in putting cigarettes behind you.  Lighting up a cigarette will not make anything better, it will only make things worse.

 

Quitting smoking really is choosing freedom.  Keep the quit.   Your physical and emotional well-being will both greatly improve the further you get in your quit.

 

It is good to have you here.

[Rozuki]

Hi Chosen, and welcome aboard. Read all you can here and watch Joel's videos...this will reinforce your decision to quit now before you have health issues due to continuing to smoke. Many of us didn't get to pick a quit date or plan our quit...I am one of those.  Sometimes, the Universe just picks the date and we need to acknowledge our good fortune and follow through! 

 

One day at a time....and you will get through what is known as Hell Week.

 

Congrats on quitting! 

[Lilly]

Welcome to the forum

[MLMR]

Hi CF, somewhere in your third day, arent you? How's it going? Can you come around here, with all the information? There's plenty, I hope it helps! 

 

 

[Wantsit]

CF , I just want you to know that I think you have came to the right place. I have never seen anything like this. The people here seem to be the most caring group I have ever come across. The encouragement is unbelievable and genuine. Maybe it's because everyone here has been through the same thing as we have. I don't know , but I am certainly glad I found this. It has made my quit so much better even though I'm only 2 weeks into it. 

 

Thank you all, and CF, listen to everyone here, they know and can make it easier for you!

[ChosenFreedom]

2 hours ago, MLMR said:

Hi CF, somewhere in your third day, arent you? How's it going? Can you come around here, with all the information? There's plenty, I hope it helps! 

 

 

 

Wrapping up on Day 4. My experiences so far are to be honest a mess. LOL!

The days are a haze. I constantly find myself barely able to stay awake. I have not been able to finish a cup of coffee without falling asleep.

My appetite is off too. I find myself not having the desire to eat that I end up starving. And when I do eat, I get this weird feeling of wanting to throw up.

Yesterday was a little scary (Day 3) because it was a Friday. The day I usually go to town and do my groceries. There would be plenty of opportunities to slip since there are a lot of stores that sell them by the stick. But I managed to ignore them all even through all the times I had to wait on my son and was doing nothing but fiddling with my thumbs.

 

There was one incident however, when we were waiting to cross the street. A smoker passed by leaving a trail of his second hand smoke. I inhaled.

I guess my junkie brain just shouted real loud and for a second I thought "fine, inhale, it's better than lighting one up".

I didn't feel good about it though. I did not feel good physically which I am very thankful for - it would've been really bad to relapse just because of second hand smoke.

What was worse was how I felt mentally. I knew it was a stupid thing to do, a risky thing to do, but I still did it.

 

I'm choosing to focus on the positive though. Sleepy all the time, wonky tummy and all but I've stayed clean. Recognized all my opportunities to smoke and ignored them all. 

I'm going to take it one day at a time. Really hoping the sleep spell ends soon though, I need to work.

 

Thank you for keeping tabs. I appreciate it a lot.

Edited November 17, 2018 by ChosenFreedom
grammar

[Mee]

You are doing great Freedom.  I can tell you I slept the first three days and was very tired.  You are almost through the first week, which is the toughest.  Just hang tough.  Savoring a little smoke when you walked by was much better than smoking.  I found I did not like the smell of second hand smoke the second month.  Having a wonky stomach might be a good thing because a lot of us turned to chocolate or fattening foods to distract from the craves.  You might not gain weight.  

I promise the journey is going to get better and easier.  Keep us posted on how you are doing.  Way to go Freedom!