Proof Triggers Can Be Rewired

[notsmokinjo]

** WARNING ** - I am about to talk about the death of friends and loved ones so if this is a sensitive issue for you please don't read.

 

I was Quit 26 days... and struggling with the quit, that third week had been hell on earth. It felt like every other minute I was fighting the urge to light up. There were two voices in my head Notsmokin Jo (NSJ) who does not smoke and Smokin' Jo (SJ) who does and boy was that Smokin' Jo loud and persistent about being heard and fed her addiction... and then at 10.30pm on day 26 my phone rang... and I dropped everything and went to my friends place... her husband had gone for a drive with his brother 3 hours early and not come home.... the internet was full of news of a horrific accident in our area..... the footage looked like it might be the car.... so while we went to the police station and my daughter stayed with her besty and her grandparents and we went to the cop shop.... the whole time SJ is in my head... "OMG this is serious shit, you can't do this you need a smoke. Like now. If you smoke you will be able to focus on what you need to do... you are such a selfish friend, how can you help if your don't have a smoke to calm the f down... enough of this quit bullshit, you need to get your act together and have a smoke then sort this stuff... you can't help if you don't smoke" ...on and on it droned along the same theme... I heard it as I sat on the floor of the cop shop cradling my friend who had collapsed.... I heard it as I drove her home.... I heard it as we sat at the table and she chain smoked and we watched my daughter hold her daughter in her arms and rock themselves to sleep... I heard it as we realised her lovely, smiley, beautiful husband was not going to come through the door any minute and laugh at us for being so silly.... I heard it as I pried his half melted keys from her hand... and as I washed and dressed her hand where the jagged edges had dug in because she was squeezing them so tight... and as I waited for the girls to fall asleep and then put out her kids chrissy presents because she couldn't go into her bedroom.... as I drove home and got my kid's pressies from Santa and put them out at her house.... as I watched her four year old ask again and again when daddy was coming home... as I watched her throw her laptop across the room so she did have to read the filth and vitriol of internet heroes trashing her dead husbands name..... as I said goodbye and drove my daughter to her dads, then my dads, then back to her dad's..... as I missed my family christmas to drive to the airport to get her mum... and drove home with her mum chain smoking in the car re-living the night before the whole time.... holding my baby while she wailed at life being unfair and how could this happen and why her friends and then after she ignored me and looked it up on the internet why people were saying horrible things about him and then the day she really broke, the day someone told her he was still alive and banging on the window as the car burnt and she had watched the footage on the internet of the car burning....and the months of nightmares..... SJ begged and pleaded and wheedled... "go on have one, just one, you know you want it, you need it".... and every time I fought the urge because that was the only thing I could control.... then on the morning of my one month anniversary the phone rings.... my uncle overseas, the oldest, has fallen and hit his head and is a coma.... so I had to watch my dad contemplate the first of his siblings to die since he was an adult... and know he couldn't for health reasons fly over.... every phone call... he is getting better.... he is worse..... come now.... every call that awful, whiny voice was begging me to smoke... but I held out... one New Years Day when the phone rang and he was gone.... watching my dad shut down... watching his other siblings who couldn't go fall apart or turn into agro nutcases.... it was just too much... but I fought the urge... and I kept my quit. It was hard, it was a battle, and truthfully it was a close call. These were real craves, not just passing thoughts... these involved sweat and determination to beat.... because my brain had been programmed that when the shit hits the fan you have a smoke (or 3) and then deal.... but I had none... I sat surrounded by smokers and did not have one... I did not increase the number of NRT I was having... if anything I decreased it.... but it was hard and for 3 weeks it felt constant. But I was not going to cave because it was the one thing in a time of chaos I had control over. I think the whole second month of my quit was one big, long, agonising crave... constantly, all day, go on, go on, go on, go on, every waking moment and if you were around the first 5 months of my quit you knew there was a hell of a lot of waking moments... on average there were 20 of those in a day..... but I fought every single one of them and I don't even really know why.... wait yes I do... it was the only thing I could control.

 

Then yesterday morning I get a phone call... and I just knew it was bad.... so my little cousin (35) had died of an overdose. I don't know yet if it was deliberate or accidental. But he didn't deserve to go out that way.... no one does... well maybe the real scum of the earth... but he gave back, he cared for his mum... drove over 3 hours each way every couple of days to check up on her or have dinner with her or make sure she was doing ok... he spent his weekends with her most of the time... he had been clean for years.... it just doesn't make sense.... but what did I do... I went about doing a load of washing and going to softball and cooking tea and chatting on here and doing a painting and going to sleep and going to a party and then I left the party and headed home and I lost it... bawled like a baby all the way home from the farm, I dunno how I even saw to drive my eyes were so red and swollen when I got home.... and the whole time my baby sat next to me and didn't know what to do.... she said the silent tears were the worst... but do you want to know what I didn't do? I did not fight a crave.... not one..... not once did I even get an inclining to have a smoke... not one smoking related thought at all.... HOW COULD THIS BE???????... earlier in the year I had faced a constant barrage.... like bullets from a machine gun those craves pummeled me...  sure it was much earlier in my quit.... but nothing, not one single thought, whisper, suggestion for anything smoking or nicotine related.

 

You see those of us who have been on the quit train for a while tell you rewards are important its all about re-wiring your brain and the nicotine receptors.... teaching your brain that smoking isn't how we reward ourselves or celebrate... in the same regards the reason the first year is so important is because we have to experience so many firsts without nicotine... season changes, holidays, stresses..... and we have to rewire our brains, rewire the triggers.... so why was there nothing this time.... its because the silver lining of the horror I ended and started this year with rewired every single receptor in my brain and trigger to do with dealing with death... all of them... so this time when the idea and concept of smoking and a nicotine fix didn't even exists... and so the silver lining of this horror is that I know how strong my quit is... I know I can face death and loss and not have to worry about facing my addiction at the same time because those receptors have all be erased and rewired to something else... a new inner strength, maybe? .... but I don't really care what it is because this is the final proof I needed that this time, this quit, this is the forever, sticky quit and while I'm only 11 months free.... I feel way beyond... whole, major sections of my brain don't even recognize nicotine's existence.... sure I'd rather still have my friend, and my uncle, and my cousin.... would probably even trade my quit for them to be here.... but giving up my quit wasn't going to bring them back or help me cope.... silver linings people... they are in any and every situation... mine in this instance are purely selfish.... but I would rather think that its the last gift these three amazing men gave me in their lifetimes... and I will treasure it always.

 

So newbies, and lurkers.... and the in-betweenies.... sometimes the re-wiring hurts, it cuts a deep raw wound straight through the center of your being... but those nicotine receptors do get rewired... so its up to you... are you going to do the work to re-wire... it starts with the rewards... oh yay I went an hour without a smoke... I'm going to eat this lovely strawberry / candy / celery stick.... whatever... but do something... every hour.... every two hours...every 12.... every day.....every week.... every milestone you pass.... because regardless of what shit life throws at you there is a nicotine receptor in your brain waiting to exploit it.... and you need to take the control back and re-wire those. Because it can be done.... it is done.... every day by the members here who travel this train.... get rid of the smokes and the vapes and start re-wiring.... you have the power within you to totally change your life and your brain... how fricking amazing is that!

[Reciprocity]

Great post Jo! You're absolutely right on the mark too!

 

Most, if not all of us, will be challenged by something going off the rails in life during the early stages of our quits. Yours was a number of extreme and unusual situations but your point being that sooner or later the resolve of our commitment will be put to the test and that's the moment that separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls. Just because we stopped smoking doesn't mean life stops for us but, it gives us the opportunity to prove to ourselves just how strong we can be when something is important enough to us.

 

I'm sorry for all your troubles Jo but I'm also glad you made it through those times smoke free. That will be a shining light for you forever. You will forever know you can do virtually anything  

 

 

[c9jane29]

Nothing else to say...

 

Sometimes I can't be grateful enough that the universe has all of here at the same time.

[jillar]

Such an inspirational post for everyone. Your strength and determination with so much sadness in your first year is amazing and I'm not sure I could have kept my quit with so much tragedy as you had/have to deal with. Thank you for sharing jo xoxo

[Doreensfree]

A beautiful honest post...

I am sorry to learn your life was full of sadness at the beginning of your quit..

You are a remarkable strong lady....it shows us ,just how much you were determined to kick this horrible addiction...

Your a inspiration....

Thank you for sharing this with the board...

Hoping it will give lurkers , just the help they needed...to take a seat...xxxx

[Mee]

Jo, your story breaks my heart.  Your suffering has been insurmountable.  I so admire your courage and strength.  The fact that you did not cave during these difficult times shows how much determination you have.  You are an inspirational to us all.  I wish I could be there to just hold and comfort you. 

[Wee fluffy me]

So inspirational Jo... xx

[Boo]

"What if someone dies?"

 

As my addicted mind went into overdrive in the days before I quit, I asked myself that question.  My thinking at the time was, there are certain life events in which it is totally impossible to even consider not smoking.  The death of someone close to me was the big one, the clause that would give me full permission to continue feeding my addiction, but there were others.

 

Then I had to face reality.  In 2007 I watched my beloved grandfather die after a long battle with cancer.  In 2012, I lost my brother-in-law in a tragic accident.  During both of those times in my life I smoked one right after another.  All those cigarettes.  All that nicotine...didn't change a damn thing.  Someone I loved was gone.  The people in my life that mean the most to me were all hurting.  My heart was broken.

 

The cigarette offers us nothing.  Whether it's just another day or the worst day of your life, there is no comfort to be found in a pack of cigarettes.

[notsmokinjo]

2 minutes ago, Boo said:

The cigarette offers us nothing.  Whether it's just another day or the worst day of your life, there is no comfort to be found in a pack of cigarettes.

 

^^ That!!!!!!!!!

[Doreensfree]

This April ..I lost my life long companion.... The best friend anyone could ever wish for....

We are together every day....for 62 or more years....

I am numb....I still expect her to walk through my door ...

She died of a smoking related illness.... It hurts to know I can help people here quit ...but not my best friend....

She still believed cigerettes offered her something...

It took cancer 12 weeks to do its worse....

I never once considered a cigarette....

I have heard ,learned..seen ..that smoking would not change a dam thing.....

 

[c9jane29]

@DoreensfreeI love you lady 

[catlover]

(((Hugs))) to you Jo, you are one strong amazing woman. I have always worried about the death of a loved one too, and thought that would be the one thing that would instantly make me smoke.

God forbid I never will experience what you have, and may God give me the strength to not smoke if I do.

x

[Markus]

Jo, now that's how you test a quit. My wife and I have lost her dad and my dad to lung cancer, and lost her mom, all in the last year to five years ago. DW has never quit. I never threw away my quit 5 years ago. I won't be smoking at her funeral but she'll be smoking at mine. It's a choice, and a matter of self control. That's all it is. GREAT Post!

 

KTQ

[Markus]

Right Carry on lol.

 

Edited October 29, 2018 by Markus
Deleted due to ****** up reaction.

[Jordan7]

Jo, you have a gift for writing, for expressing complicated feelings in fairly simple, raw terms -- but more importantly you have a wonderful capacity for empathy and humanity, which both seem to be in much shorter supply in this world every day.  Thank you for that, and for seeing the positives in the negatives, no matter how lopsided they may seem at times.  

[MLMR]

17 hours ago, notsmokinjo said:

 ...  So newbies, and lurkers.... and the in-betweenies.... sometimes the re-wiring hurts, it cuts a deep raw wound straight through the center of your being... but those nicotine receptors do get rewired... so its up to you... are you going to do the work to re-wire... it starts with the rewards... oh yay I went an hour without a smoke... I'm going to eat this lovely strawberry / candy / celery stick.... whatever... but do something... every hour.... every two hours...every 12.... every day.....every week.... every milestone you pass.... because regardless of what shit life throws at you there is a nicotine receptor in your brain waiting to exploit it.... and you need to take the control back and re-wire those. Because it can be done.... it is done.... every day by the members here who travel this train.... get rid of the smokes and the vapes and start re-wiring.... you have the power within you to totally change your life and your brain... how fricking amazing is that!

Seriously, have you ever thought about starting your own quit clinic? 

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to write all of this down, Jo. The beauty is, it's very educating to others and at the same time I bet it plays a part in your own journey (heading towards one year, you go girl!). You have a lot to look back at.. darn. Do know your story is rediculously inspiring!

 

 

[notsmokinjo]

1 hour ago, MLMR said:

 Do know your story is rediculously inspiring! 

 

Thank you. But your story is inspiring too and Linda's and Doreens and Jillars and Joe7s and Alberts and Sazeracs and G67 and Parsley and Jet Black and everyone single other person here.. we all face really awful things in our lives at times, I just lucked out and had a whole heap happen in my first year quit... but silver lining... I don't have to face them down the track... major health issues, work redundancy, betrayal, deaths, family issues....they are all things you could face at anytime... getting them over with in the first year is just like rapid detox. We are all traveling our own roads and we are all facing lifes challenges and our quits at the same time... but its important to know that when we say you are re-wiring your brain and the receptors it is so true...it really works. When things got dicey about if I would or wouldn't light up and there were moments I had my fellow travellers here to help me stay the course... I had the people I played games with over at qsmb to keep my mind occupied with things besides the drama and the craves.

 

For a few months I have been playing lip service to this is my sticky quit... but the weekend prooved it... I am quit, I am never going back NOPE is the only reality I know.

[Doreensfree]

For a few months I have been playing lip service to this is my sticky quit... but the weekend prooved it... I am quit, I am never going back NOPE is the only reality I know.

 

I never get tired of hearing those words from someone who has jumped on the Train....to quit this horrible addiction....

High five sweetheart....you have arrived at the destination called FREEDOM.....

I am so happy and proud of you....

Xxxx

[Tammy]

What an amazing inspirational post Jo, you're a strong, determined and awesome gal...super awesome actually.

 

And yes, we all are dealing with a lot of things but it takes courage and lucidity of thought to put this out here, and it inspires people. I keep having Triggers nowadays (not cravings) of smoking, and all I have to do is close my eyes and say a firm no, and poof, they vanish. 

It's not easy saying no sometimes, but I remember why I said no in the first place. I don't want to ever again be a slave to this disgusting habit, I never want to stink till the high heavens, lose my breath climbing 2 flights of stairs (I still do, but that's because of my weight :p )

Mainly, I don't want to feel compelled to act like a tripped out zombie if I don't get my "fix", be irritable, lurk in corners, hide that smoke when I see kids and elderly people (reflex action).

 

So thank you for sharing, makes me realize that I cannot let my mind use any instance in my life to lead me to light up a smoke. That's not happening, ever.

[Sazerac]

Thank you, Jo.

You are a great inspiration to all

and help all of us keep our quit.

Thank you so much.

S

[Markus]

Great message, we all can stay quit under the meanest of circumstances,  because it's a choice and that's all it is. They blow smoke in our faces in any circumstance, we're quit for life,  lending some dignity and meaning to the concept of QUIT. How many have we had die in our personal lives and on this and the other board after quitting? We didn't go running off to smoke, too strong for that.  I know off at least 10 in my life but I'm old but it will come at you so be ready.  Doreen so very sad to read of your loss, I wish I had been around...

 

KTQ 

 

Markus

 

[Doreensfree]

Thank you Markus ...

Have sent you a message ....xx

[Paul723]

Big magic.