Need Doreen's frying pan wackadoodle but not for smoky thoughts.

[Mee]

Well had the worst day yesterday.  Did mention we were RVing this week but did not mention we were taking my folks to the casino for the week.  Normally my husband and I take turns driving them in their car while one of us drives the RV.  Since we were toting our car behind the RV, I did not want to drive it.  Instead I endured 6 hrs of my crying mom about her miserable life and fighting with my dad.  It got so bad, I had a panic attack and had to pull over on the highway.  I can not even describe what a miserable person my mom is and how she likes to make everyone around her miserable and believe me she has had a great life.  Wealth, beautiful home, tons of jewelry and material possessions.  She resents having to care for my father.

I was a nervous wreck by the time we dropped them off.  I was amazed I did not crave a smoke.  We even went to a flea market afterwards and when I passed people smoking or cigs in ashtrays, it turned me off.

Last night we ended up staying at the campground from hell

So now we are free for the week to bop around and and hopefully enjoy ourselves.  We pick up the old folks Saturday to head home.

What I need Doreen's wackadoodle for is to keep me from letting my mom talk me into driving them to the casino.  I need to understand that I will never get them to love me and I can not ruin my life for them.  I can care for them but I don't have to let them disrupt every aspect of my life.

Oh well, venting makes me feel better.

 

 

[Doreensfree]

Aww Linda....I had to take a deep breath reading this....

My frying pan is for those special times... When someone is contemplating putting a cancer stick in their mouth..and losing their fabulous quit...

I would rather send you a hug ....

I'm sorry you are dealing with a troublesome mum....

But hey !!!!.....you never once felt like  smoking...so you my dear have my respect....

Don't let anyone rob you of your quit...

Make sure you and your hubby enjoy every moment until next week...

I will leave the pan hanging up for now sweetheart....

[jillar]

A virtual hug coming your way Linda, I hope you enjoy your week free of them. I guess they are proof that money doesn't buy happiness. FYI, you can always leave them at the casino lol

 

[Mee]

@jillarDon't tempt me to leave them.  They are like two spoiled children.  I will take the hug.  I sure needed it last night.  My husband tried but his butt was cold so I made him sleep on the other side of bed.  It is a wee bit cold for camping!

[Mee]

@Doreensfree still think I need that wackadoodle.  You will just have to come up with a more interesting contraption to use.  I will always take a hug though.  Mental health is a big part of that quit thing and I need to protect that.  I have always put others above myself and that needs to change!!! 

[notsmokinjo]

Linda it is changing...started changing the day you started your quit. So rapped you didn't even have a smoke thought with your mum's tantrum. Lets face it, that's what it was, a tantrum, a moment of look at me, look at me. You can look at her and pander to her but as you said its never going to make her love you or show you the respect you deserve. You do deserve their respect and their love. It is not your fault that they don't have the ability or skills to give that. It isn't because you are not good enough or flawed in any way.... its because they are... and despite that, despite the lack of love and care and respect you grew up with look how you turned out??? Despite the hurt it causes you respect your parents enough to help them live at home as they wish.... your brothers don't bother to.... despite the lack of example you were shown as a kid you give your time and care to your elderly friend so she can stay at home and have human companionship because you care.... there is a poem that says children are what they live so if they grow up without criticism they learn to condemn but you are proof that it isn't true of everyone.... despite all the things you grew up without you give love, support, respect, acceptance. I respect you so much for everything you do for others but also despite all the external pressures you have you are doing something wonderful for yourself and keeping your quit.

 

[Doreensfree]

1 hour ago, Linda Thomas said:

@Doreensfree still think I need that wackadoodle.  You will just have to come up with a more interesting contraption to use.  I will always take a hug though.  Mental health is a big part of that quit thing and I need to protect that.  I have always put others above myself and that needs to change!!! 

I'm sending you this huge medal....to me your a hero...xx

[Mee]

@notsmokinjo that is why I need the wackadoodle because I let them make me feel small.  I also let them make me feel bad because they are unhappy.  They threaten to drive themselves so I have probably saved lives by taking them.  

I am glad I have not only found support to quit but friends to lift me up and help me through this difficult time.  I will cherish your kind words.  I know I have a soft loving heart.  I just need to toughen it up a little.

[JB 883]

It looks like you are coming up on your three month mark. That might be a time you really need to protect that quit.

I do not know about most quitters  but my ass about fell apart on the three month date.

 

Now about the parents - One expects the little kids to fight but the parents? What the hell were they even fighting about?

 

Next time just yell, "If you two do not settle down, I am going to pull over and beat both your asses!" Or at the very least, chew them out the same way one would if their kids were fighting. My younger step sister and I thought the car was a boxing ring.

 

Either way, you need to start putting your foot either DOWN or perhaps UP a couple peoples' asses.

 

AND - hell of a good job maintaining the quit. Under easy circumstances, anyone can KTQ but in difficult cases (like dealing with pesky parents) when someone does not relapse, THAT shows strength.

 

[c9jane29]

4 hours ago, Linda Thomas said:

We even went to a flea market afterwards and when I passed people smoking or cigs in ashtrays, it turned me off.

I LOVE IT!! Linda Thomas, tell me in the last...? 10 years think you would say this??

Now that they are safe at the casino; buy a space heater (to heat up your husbands booty) and have some fun! 

How long has it been since you played strip poker? Nice glass of wine on a chilly RV night? I'm sure husband is ready for a reward too!

(I'm only kidding a little) but just make sure to take care of YOU too.

1 hour ago, Linda Thomas said:

I am glad I have not only found support to quit but friends to lift me up and help me through this difficult time. 

I'm glad you're here, too

 

 

 

[Mee]

@c9jane29 no I actually thought I would have to be put in a coma to quit.  I can not believe I am at this point.  Since I got rid of the folks, my husband and I have enjoyed ourselves more.  I am going to reward myself well (spend money) on this trip.

I would not be at this point without you all.

@Jet Black I wish I could speak up but I was conditioned to not have a voice.  They would punish me by making me feel guilty.  

However, if you all can condition me to quit smoking, I am sure you can help me find my voice.  

Jet, I am fearful of those kind of craves.   I lived the majority of my life with cigs.  That is why we are doing this together!

[Sazerac]

Hello friend,

I am glad you are sans parents.

Perhaps you can start detaching yourself from them.

Let them drive themselves to the casino.

Cut back your time spent with them, maybe start with a few less hours, then a few less days.

 

Learn to say NO.  Practice saying it, little by little.  No, I won't be able to do that.  No, I can't do that.  No, I won't do that.  

When they make you feel guilty, sit with your guilt.

Assign a chair to be your 'guilty' chair, sit in it and go through all the reasons you feel guilty and how guilt makes you feel.

Spend time with your guilt, just your guilt.

Examine all the components of guilt, your guilt triggers.

I think if you really study your guilt honestly you will see it for this lie that it is

and will be able to put it aside as something useless to you,  just like you put nicotine addiction down.  

 

You are a generous soul,  Linda, and will shed the rainments of guilt in your own time.

Your power is emerging and it is a beautiful sight to see.

Protect yourself,  like @Doreensfree said, You Are A Hero to us.

[Mee]

@Sazerac You are such a wise soul.  I love how you carefully choose your words to have so much meaning. 

My parents can't drive because they are old and not in good health.  They both have walking issues and ride scooters at the casino.

We took them the first time because we worried about their safety and it gave us a break.  Now they expect it and do not realize the burden it is.

This will be the last time we take them and I definitely will heed the advice.  That guilt has always been more about that death bed "I love you" .

I do realize I am the better person for filling their pill containers and making sure they get to their dr. appts.  but I am no longer going to make sure they have entertainment.

I actually do feel stronger every day I stay quit and how could I not be awesome when I have such awesome friends. 

You are all my heroes!

  

[Sazerac]

It is a big step for you to say, "I am no longer going to make sure they have entertainment" !

and I know it isn't easy disentangling yourself.

Remember your boundaries and that boundaries can change.

Just because you used to do something doesn't mean you need to continue.

Maybe there are more or different ways to delegate some of the responsibility you have taken on

and more ways for you to nurture yourself and warm up your husbands butt, lol.

 

I am so proud of you for quitting smoking, Linda,

and the energy you give,  to all of us here,  is a beautiful gift.

 

 

 

 

 

[Doreensfree]

That little word  NO....

It's so small ,but the hardest word to say....your not alone Linda...I struggle here too....

It does take pratice ....but the more you say it...the easier it gets....

I'm proud of you....

[brand.new.ela]

Linda, I’m proud of you and your strength. You deserve all the praise for a) protecting your quit b) having the mindset when smoking is not an option. I send you hugs. I know how it is to be an extra in one parents’ life.