Uh Oh

[Mee]

Boy I have been feeling on top of the world with this quit (that was up until an hour ago).  As I start to get ready for this 90th party for my dad I can feel the confidence start to wain.  The emotions are starting to bubble up on the inside.   I can see every one of those donut holes I ate last week peeking through my outfit .  I started to dig through the drawers for a nice purse and started to think there might be an old pack hiding in one.  Then I search the nightstand.  What are you doing Linda?  You do not want to go there.  I won't go there.  

I just need to put the raw emotions out there.  The anger of the responsibility I have been dealing, with my parents and their health, is really weighing heavy on me and I am resentful.  My brother and his kids flew in and spent the last two days running around enjoying the nightlife of Cleveland.  Not helping with Mom and Dad.  But then again, they are here and my brother is paying for the party.  But it is hard to get Dad out and dressed and he needs a shower and they are out having a good time.  Of course I make sure dad is ready to go. 

Matter of fact,  I am looking old and am tired because I have so much responsibility.  My brother lives in California and looks young and tan  and well weathered.  He is an electrical engineer that owns his own company.  No worries.  Maybe I am just being bit by the jealous monger.  

I did make him responsible for getting dad to the restaurant so he knows how much work I put in getting him to all his doctor appts.  It is so difficult getting him in and out of the car.  

Okay, I need to stop.  I need my quit warriors to send me plenty of positive vibes in about an hour.  I will get through this

 

[Martian5]

OK Linda -- Take a deep breath, you can do this.  Having a smoke now in fact will solve nothing and very well lead to more stress and disappointment.  I too took care of my mother during her final days thru hospice and my two brothers were no where to be found.  I take solace in this in that I gave to my mother much like she gave to me when I was a child, yes the responsibility is great but so can be the reward.  You are and have been doing this so in face of all the difficulties you are stronger than those around you.  Be positive in this and in the end you will feel much better.    

[DragonsFancy]

You are strong and have fought your way through without jeopardizing your relationship with your brother. Sounds like getting it out put you back in control. WAY TO GO!

[Mee]

Okay @Martian5 and @DragonsFancy I know I can do this.  I am just a bunch of emotions.  I will let you know how things go.  Times like these, I wish I drank.  Smoking was my only vice.

[Doreensfree]

Aww Linda ..I am a full time carer for my hubs...and I know how hard it can get...

It took me endless of failed quits ,before my brain actually understood ..Smoking wouldn't alter anything...

Our brains are really our worst enemies.... Don't over think ...this party will come and go....

Keep your precious quit...you'll be so glad you did...

Stay close ...

[johnny5]

I'm sorry to hear about all that you are going through, Linda, and it is good that you used this place to vent.  That is a healthy release and helps to try to put things into perspective. 

 

You know that smoking will only make things worse so I'm glad you decided to express your frustrations instead.  Your quit is very important and don't ever let anything jeopardize it.

 

 

[Aine]

The emotions that came to the surface when I quit smoking were numerous, and worked a bit like a pendulum. At first I see sawed back and forth between high intensity interest and then rage. Eventually, and not too long, really, weeks perhaps, they started to settle. I think the emotions that came up when I quit were similar to how I felt during pre periods; it all counts, and its valid, but typically much stronger than usual! 

 

I relate. My 85 year old mum lives with us, and my sister lives 175 miles away. She sends money. Monday I have to go and get bank statements and call insurance companies to get documentation for Mom so she can turn it into Medicare or something. She takes care of herself so far; just slow, which is fine with me. Except when I cook. Argh. Oh, and the reminders about cleaning out the dryer vents. WTF? All I know is it goes to outside the house and the dryer still works. All I need. lol. 

 

What I put that woman through when I was growing up. Doesn't bear thinking about...

[jillar]

Sorry about your rough patch Linda and I hope venting about it helps. It sure helped me. I'm sending you a ton of positive vibes and congrats on getting your brother to manage your dad if only to get him to the restaurant. At least it gave you a tiny break  

 

[Parsley]

Hang in there! Smoking wont change anything....in fact will add more stress!

[c9jane29]

Aw, Linda...here's a big...hug to make you feel better

 

I could feel your nervous energy in the atmosphere today I guess! Just take it all in, enjoy the day, all of it. Who cares today of resentment or tan lines?

Love only today, and I'm sending some your way!!

[Rozuki]

Linda, hang in there and carry on....without the poison sticks...what would they give you anyway!!!! I take care of my 85 year old Mom (who has Parkinson's disease and still lives in her own home of 65 years!!) from a distance....which is stressful for me....I am lucky that one of my sisters who lives nearby helps out also. The other three siblings are not as hands on .....but do contribute when they can. It is what it is.......let us know how the party was!!!

[notsmokinjo]

Hey Linda.... you are so doing this. I am so proud of posting on here instead of hunting out a gasper.... well done... and look everyone came running because we all believe in you and want you to succeed. I know you look after your parents with much more care than they ever gave you or your brothers but you know what that makes you the much bigger and better person. Your brother might look all golden and fresh on the outside but the true measure of a person is what is on the inside.... and you my dear shine. I am amazed by what you do for both of your parents and you also help your elderly neighbour.... your brothers help themselves.... I know it is annoying and frustrating to be in your position at the moment but when you look in the mirror make sure you see also the woman who cooks food so the little old lady down the street can stay in her own home.... something you do because of the goodness in your heart not because of some sense of responsibility.... hold on to that image because that chick who does that is amazing.

 

3 hours ago, Linda Thomas said:

Smoking was my only vice. 

 

^^^ of everything you have written that is the best one.... it WAS your only vice.... now you Chicks or Sticks .... see new vice, where you can slap some sticks AND feel like a winner AND it isn't going to harm you in any way..

 

Seriously though, you know you can't walk away from your parents like your brothers have because you don't have that in you. But hold on to the fact that you are strong, you are amazing and you are powerful enough to beat anything, even the nicotine urge.  Don't let them get to you...

[Mee]

34 minutes ago, notsmokinjo said:

he true measure of a person is what is on the inside.... and you my dear shine

Alright you have me crying.  

Thanks for the support, vibes and that lovely baloon @c9jane29.  

I don't know why I panicked so bad before I left.  It actually was quite nice.  The thought of a cigarette did not even cross my mind during the whole event.  

Yes, as I sat at the end of the long table and looked at my frail dad, I did feel good about taking care of him.  During dinner, he seemed to have some kind of spell and thought we were going to have to call an ambulance.  Of course, my loving husband, son and I were there to hold his hand and comfort him.  I guess I should be thankful he was able to celebrate this big birthday.  

No my brothers don't get it but I do and I am better for it.

Two more days and they will all be off and things will be back to normal.  

Thank you so much my quit warriors.  Right now, I feel my quit is solid.  Hopefully there won't be anymore fragile moments.

[notsmokinjo]

Sometimes the anticipation of the event is worse than the event itself, we have all done that at one time or other in our quit. Chances are there might be more fragile moments because there are a lot firsts to go yet... but then again that might have been it, I hope for your case it is.

 

I am so glad in the end you had a good night, dispite your father having a funny turn.

[MLMR]

You got through! Proud of you. These are the moments that count and make all the difference. Courage and effort, you are doing so well!!! 

[Doreensfree]

Well done Linda....!!!!.....feel proud....

[Boo]

19 hours ago, Linda Thomas said:

Right now, I feel my quit is solid.  Hopefully there won't be anymore fragile moments.

 

Those moments are where rock solid quits are built.  It's easy to stay on course when all's well.  It's when you face down adversity and stay the course that you know you have a quit that is built to last.

 

"Fire forges steel."

 

Good job Linda.

[time4change]

Hi Linda. I am new but wanted to let you know that I have been following your quit. Sorry you were going through a rough time and glad to read you are ok. You inspire me to keep going. 

[Mee]

1 hour ago, time4change said:

Hi Linda. I am new but wanted to let you know that I have been following your quit. Sorry you were going through a rough time and glad to read you are ok. You inspire me to keep going

@time4change so glad you joined the group.  This is a great place to be.  If you have been following my journey, you know what great support you get here.  You also know there will be some bad days but you will get through.  Shout out or message me if you need anything.  The great part of the forum is you help support others going through the same struggle.

[Sazerac]

Hey Linda,

I am so happy you held your ground with your quit

and sorry you are in the throes of family drama.

Remember you don't smoke

and remember how powerful you are.

We are so proud of you and appreciate all your good work here helping us all keep our quits.