Feeling overwhelmed and of course so close to that smoke

[Mee]

Still hanging in though.  It was a very taxing week.  My single son was moving to a new home and of course we felt we had to be there to help.  Then the usual weekly event of my  90 year old dad falling in his home.  This time he hit his head and knocked himself out and took my 85 year old mom down with him. Then there is the usual lecture from the paramedics and police that I need to get home heath care in there to encourage them out of there home.  (which I have done and my parents refuse).  Then the argument trying to encourage my parents to go to the hospital.  They are both on medicine that could cause an internal bleed and should be checked out.  Then (the guilt I feel) because they check out enough that they send them home again.  I internally wish that this would be the one that does enough damage to force them out.

My dad has so many cuts on his arms from all the falls and I have tried to get a home heath care nurse in to dress them but he refuses and wants only me to wrap them.  Then there is the hygiene.  My dad stinks.  My mom has an obsession with her upstairs bathroom being  too pretty to use, so she wants him to shower in the basement.  She can't do it and of course wants me or my husband to help.  I am tired, I lay in bed at night trying to think of ways to make it easier.  The anxiety is too much and my husband and I find ourselves losing patience with each other.  

I suppose I could go on forever but venting is kind of helping.

You say I need to celebrate my quit and do something for myself but I never seem to find time for that.  I can't even think of anything that I truly think I want but a little help with handling all this.

My brothers are worthless. 

Okay, I vented.  Did not smoke and am going to bed.  Hopefully I will have a new outlook tomorrow.    

 

[Sazerac]

Oh, Linda.

I've been thinking of you all day and wondering how you were.

I am glad to see you vent and sorry you are having a hard time.

It is great you are able to keep your quit separate from your life.

You quit is one of the really great things you are doing for yourself

and I am so proud of you.

Tomorrow is another day and I hope one is easier for you.

Please try and reward yourself with something....even if it is small

because you are doing such great work for yourself.

Love,

s

[d2e8b8]

Great to hear you didn't give in.  Do post back and let us know how you're doing.

 

Stay strong.

[jillar]

Linda, I'm glad you vented and I hope that helped a little. You HAVE to make time for you. Your parents would have no choice but to accept the help of a home health aide if you weren't there but you need to make that time for yourself. Obviously it's not just going to be given to you. Call your brothers and tell them you need a break. If they're unwilling to help then get the aide. Tell your parents your taking a trip if you need to but you have to give yourself the break. And this applies even if you've never smoked a cigarette in your life.

And when you get that time, kiss your hubby with that smoke free breath and enjoy something just for yourself. But no one is going to give it to you, you have to take it.

I'm so glad that you didn't smoke, have a good night and please take a break

 

[JB 883]

Wow. Ok so, let me say that you have a shit-ton of willpower in keeping the quit. Some smoke more when stressed, some smoke more when happy (like I did). I imagine most smoke more when stressed.

57 minutes ago, Linda Thomas said:

...Then the usual weekly event of my  90 year old dad falling in his home.  This time he hit his head and knocked himself out and took my 85 year old mom down with him. Then there is the usual lecture from the paramedics and police that I need to get home heath care in there to encourage them out of there home.  (which I have done and my parents refuse).  Then the argument trying to encourage my parents to go to the hospital.

 

 

Sounds like his falls are more of a non-event.

About them refusing help - Yes, aging parents are stubborn as an old mule. I guess no one wants to face up to the day that they are no longer on shape to take care of themselves.

I am not in much position to give "advice" but sooner or later they will end up in the hospital and you might have to secretly get social services involved, find out what options there are, etc. Home hospice may be the answer. When my mom was to a point where she just could not live on her own due to failing health, one time I had to call an ambulance because doing it myself was just beyond my ability. I am no medical professional.

But with home hospice, a nurse comes by the house to make sure things are taken care of, gives meds, brings whatever needed medical equipment, etc.

And if you are wondering, yes, my mom died in her own home when her time came.

 

Just call one of the home hospice places and find out what requirements are. It is not a fun decision to have to make but when our parents are older, WE become the care takers. Our parents sure as hell are not going to say, "Oh great! Oh yes, I am thrilled about the prospect of making final decisions!"

No, it is more like, "I don't want to think about it right now".

 

This might seem overwhelming but you don't have to do this on your own, in fact you probably can't do it on your own.

 

BTW, I asked one member on this forum to contact you about caring for aging parents, but I do not know if this person is in a position to right now or not. If they do, don't be surprised or anything.

 

 

Edited September 10, 2018 by Jetblack

[WeegieWoman]

Well done keeping your quit. It does sound awful Linda. My gran has what we call here home helps. They come in 4 times a day. At the beginning she was very resistant but I suppose most old folk are, so they are used to that. And presumably trained on how to deal with it. Now so is totally fine with them, she refers to them as her 'pals! It very reassuring to know they are checking in throughout the day. You need help Linda! Outside help and from your siblings! Could you make a few calls and enquire about home health care? There's no harm in making a few calls and finding out a bit more. 

[Sslip]

Some great advice and nothing additional I can add, but I just wanted to echo Sazerac and say I am incredibly proud of both the way you handle your quit and your kindness in the face of a horrible situation with your parents.

 

Do whatever you can to reward yourself because you truly deserve it.

[MLMR]

Hi Linda, you are such a badass for keeping that quit. I can imagine it's hard when you have that many worries. But please, make yourself a priority! It must feel unnatural to do when taking care for your parents, even when there's such a history as with you and them. But there's only one of you. Quit smoking meant making a choice for yourself. I think part of the proces is to remake that choice, over and over again. You are the centre here, not your parents or anyone else!! Whishing you lots of selfcare and courage, hope you will sleep well and tomorrow will be better for you.

Edited September 10, 2018 by My life, my recovery

[notsmokinjo]

Of course your feeling overwhelmed, who wouldn't be. I can't add anything really because all our lovely fellow quitters have covered it. You have a lot on but despite that you are hanging in there. 

 

What would happen if you rang your brothers and said that's it, you're done and walking away from the situation for 2 weeks. Say you wanted to pack up the camper and the fur babies and hit the road for 2 weeks with the hubby??.... do you have that option?  Your first priority needs to be you and your quit, then you and your hubby.... So maybe its time for some tough love... if you walked away your parents would have no option other than getting the home help in. Surely with the hygiene issue the hospital could have involved social services and forced home help... can't you tell you parents if they don't accept home help they will need to go into a home because you can't do it all? Just be prepared to follow through if they call your bluff. There are no easy answers and it is hard being a carer, it is worse when it is unappreciated and used against you. I wish there was an easy answer or an easy fix. Just know, if you do decide to remove your support from your parents it does not make you a bad person, it means you are taking whatever actions you need to to keep you healthy, physically, emotionally and psychologically.

 

[c9jane29]

((Linda Thomas)) I'm glad you are here and still smoke free! Lots of good advice from above...all I would add is change out the bathroom towels for useable (but still pretty) ones so dad can get in there...he needs it. Take her out for new kitchen stuff? Or get them new recliners with like a cooler in between for drinks and a couple tray tables...just sit down guys!! I joke only a little because I want you to take a load off your heart. 

When my daughter got sick, man, I literally hated life..I felt resentment toward my husband because he never had to make that drive and stay at the hospital (usually with at least one of the other kids) I felt angry with the kids but I was really angry with myself but since I had smoked my whole life, all of these emotions were also new to me so I just cried. all. the. time. 

But, in the middle of the shit, I found me time, Chocolate time, paint my nails when they went to bed time, lavender oil in the bath, youtube videos...just anything. 

Come here Linda Thomas and I'll load up the glitter gun and chase your ass down the block with it!! 

 

[Mee]

10 hours ago, jillar said:

Call your brothers and tell them you need a break

My one brother lives in the same community but could care less.  I called my other brother, who lives in California, and his attitude was "Well you will be compensated when they die".  He does get angry over my mom's compulsiveness and that she won't make the upstairs bathroom handicap accessible.  He suggested I take my dad to the YMCA

There is no way we can change anything.  If you don't fold the toilet paper to a point when you are done, my mom goes berserk.  She has over 100 perfume bottles, in there, that she has collected over the years that she sits on her rollator and polishes every day.  My dad won't go against her because she will complain and make him suffer.

Oh my goodness, my problems seem so small knowing that you went through the illness of a child.  I could not imagine how difficult that was.  I do hope your child has come through it all and is well.  I admire your strength and am grateful for your advice.
"

[jillar]

14 minutes ago, Linda Thomas said:

Oh my goodness, my problems seem so small knowing that you went through the illness of a child.  I could not imagine how difficult that was.  I do hope your child has come through it all and is well.  I admire your strength and am grateful for your advice.

Oh Linda, you have so much on your plate. It's our Jane who's daughter was ill. Thankfully she's doing much better now. I don't have children.

You seem so much like my sister who looks after my mom in Florida. She is constantly at her wits end with our mom but every time we suggest she get in home care to help she won't do it. Has a bunch of reasons too for why not to do it. But that is the only way you are going to get a break. Ask yourself what would they do if you weren't there? Let them bitch and moan, like weegie said above, the caregivers are used to it.

[Mee]

8 hours ago, notsmokinjo said:

if you walked away your parents would have no option other than getting the home help in.

I've tried and can't.  I put my foot down a few months ago and they got mad at us and would not speak to us......until mom became very ill and called for us to get an ambulance.  She ended up in the hospital for weeks and then dad had to be taken care of.  I have too soft of a heart.  I have gotten nurses and therapist in to help but they ignore there advice and resent their interference.  The hospitals just want you out as soon as possible.  It has a lot to do with insurance.  I did get my dad into a rehab/nursing facility for a while but was not at all pleased with the care.  My parents do have the funds to pay for assistance but won't.  

I love your hug.  I'll take all of those I can get.   You guys are just going to have to keep trying to toughen me up.   

[MLMR]

Just now, Linda Thomas said:

   You guys are just going to have to keep trying to toughen me up.   

[Mee]

2 hours ago, c9jane29 said:

I'll load up the glitter gun and chase your ass down the block with it!! 

My ass is ready and waiting.  

My problems seem small when I think you went through the illness of a child.  My heart goes out to you.  I am glad she is doing well.  

So thankful you are there to listen to me whine and throw out suggestions and support.  Thanks so much.

[Mee]

10 hours ago, Jetblack said:

Just call one of the home hospice places and find out what requirements are.

My parents aren't quite ready for hospice but I do know it is on the horizon with my dad.  He is stage 4 kidney failure and they would not do dialysis because of his age.  I know the falling has a lot to do with the water he is retaining in his legs.  I do appreciate your advice and support. 

We have actually planned a vacation in October and we are coming to Indiana.  Let me know of any exciting places to visit. 

Believe it or not, we take my parents to the Hollywood Casino.  We drop them off with their scooters and the people there babysit them for a week.  My husband and I laugh at this but figure they must lose a lot of money for the care they get.  The hosts even help pick my dad up off the toilet because he cannot do it himself.  Better care than he got in the nursing home.  

[Doreensfree]

Hi Linda.

I am a full time carer for Hubby...emphysema... And recently diagnosed with vascular dementia...

I'm surprised the hospital havnt asked you ,while your dad was there ,what circumstances does he live at home with...

It was the hospital ,who arranged for a social worker to speak to us both...she decided we both needed help ...and arranged it all..

Hubby wasn't willing to go into respite ,so I could have a break...

The social worker came out to the house and explained to him ,of why this was important for us both..

When it came from another source ...not me...he accepted.... And now goes willingly... Every time...

If I can help in any way ...feel free to PM me ,I will try and answer what questions you might have ...

Well done for keeping the quit.....you have to put yourself first...sometimes hard ,but important....

[Mee]

6 minutes ago, Doreensfree said:

I am a full time carer for Hubby...emphysema... And recently diagnosed with vascular dementia...

Doreen, I am so sorry for that.  We have been helping my neighbor across the street who's husband has the same.  A very difficult journey.

I can tell you are a very strong and uplifting person.  You are definitely an encouraging and bright spot on this site.  I am adding you both to my prayers.  

Thanks so much for your encouragement and help.  Part of not giving into that quit is not wanting to disappoint my cheering section!

[Doreensfree]

Thank you Linda...

I get alot of my strength from the good folks here.....

The one important thing I have learnt over the years I have quit....smoking wouldn't alter anything ....except my own health....

Keep strong sweetheart...

[Rozuki]

Hi Linda, just wanted to add my 2 cents here......It is tough to get old, even tougher when you get old and you are sick. It is also tough to be the only caregiver in the family! But you are one tough cookie in beating those urges to put poison sticks in your mouth and light them on fire....it wouldn't help alleviate anything anyway! 

 

PS Going through similar scenario with my Mom.....we could compare the crazy situations we find ourselves in!

Edited September 10, 2018 by Rozuki

[Mee]

7 minutes ago, Rozuki said:

.we could compare the crazy situations we find ourselves in!

Any time you need a shoulder I am here!  It is crazy taking care of them.  It is hard to see them act like children but you can understand them being fearful of losing the control over their lives.  

[Christa326]

@Linda Thomas i am sorry to hear of all this! but so proud you haven't smoked! i agree with Doreen, you have to put yourself first and by not smoking you are doing just that.

during my first "good " quit my 12 year old (then 10)  was diagnosed w/ osteomyelitis of his spinal disc and couldn't walk. with a lot of hospital time and recovery he is fine now, thank GOD. i thought of smoking then A LOT...but knew i had to be well for him. you can do this! 

[JB 883]

4 hours ago, Linda Thomas said:

We have actually planned a vacation in October and we are coming to Indiana.  Let me know of any exciting places to visit. 

Believe it or not, we take my parents to the Hollywood Casino.  We drop them off with their scooters and the people there babysit them for a week.  My husband and I laugh at this but figure they must lose a lot of money for the care they get.  The hosts even help pick my dad up off the toilet because he cannot do it himself.  Better care than he got in the nursing home.  

Not too much excitement here really.

 

I was gonna say though - just what is it about older people and gambling/casinos?

For my step-dad's recent 80th birthday, his daughter hired some company to go in her house and set up a mini-casino for the party.

in previous years when there was just a casino boat here, they went to that. The casino boat was on some river, taking advantage of some loophole where it was legal to gamble on water but not land.

 

Anyways yes, us "kids" need to make sure our parents are properly baby-sat.

[notsmokinjo]

4 hours ago, Linda Thomas said:

Part of not giving into that quit is not wanting to disappoint my cheering section!

 

OH me too Linda, me too.  Its a great motivator isn't it.

 

 

 

[johnny5]

I don't have much to add, Linda.  I'm sorry for what you are going through but thanks for reaching out with an SOS about your situation. 

 

Life can get rough but smoking will do nothing to make anything better.  Keeping the quit through rough times early on is definitely worth applause.  Keep up the great work!