Feelings of helplessness and low self esteem

[Mee]

I am an only daughter with three brothers.  I come from a very dysfunctional family and have many hurts from my days growing in this family.  My parents always praised their boys but often put me down.  Now I am the only sole caretaker of these two very difficult parents.  Not a day goes by that I am not there taking care of them.  Oh can they push my buttons.  I know in my heart that I am there because I finally want that love that I craved and so deserved but will never get.  They are my biggest trigger to want to smoke.  I leave there feeling so helpless.   

At least I survived another weekend.  I have shed the tears, come home feeling worthless but managed to avoid smoking.  

[JackiMac]

Sending hugs your way Linda, I was actually coming on to post a Help! I'm having a very stressful day, am feeling so very low, irritable, tired and just generally fed up of how shit life can get. The nicotine demon is inside my head telling me oh go on have a smoke, you will feel so much better afterwards, I keep telling myself no I wont, a cigarette wont make my life better, wont make my problems go away it will only add because I will feel so disappointed in myself. I think we all carry out own burdens and can often be hard on ourselves. Give yourself a big pat on the back and be proud that you have stood up to the craving. xx

[Doreensfree]

Aww Linda and  Jackie..

Life can throw out some really crap curve balls...those who know me here..know life is not all plain sailing....

Keep telling yourselves ..if you smoked a million cigs...the problems will still be there to deal with...

All smoking does is ..add to the stress....

Folks who have never smoked have problems too...they are just not wound up ,waiting for thier next fix...

Take it from me...we handle these curve balls much better without our addiction...

Keep coming here..vent ,shout scream.curse.....just dont smoke..

Stay strong ladies ...

 

[Mee]

Wish we could just go to lunch together and commiserate.  Scotland is a little bit of a distance.  Isn't it amazing that, through technology, we can still be there for one another.

Hang in there.  I am with you buddy.  We can do this together! 

[Sslip]

Linda, it's not a good situation when parents treat their kids differently and to show favour to the boys over girls is a poor example to set growing up. 

 

Just remember though that you have grown to be a better person than they can ever take credit for. You are showing them the compassion and kindness that should have always have been a part of your life. 

 

Look yourself in the mirror and be very proud of that fact. And give yourself a smile because looking back at you should be the kind of person you, me and a whole host of others respect. 

 

Congratulations on looking after your family and huge congratulations in not allowing understandable frustrations make you reach for a cigarette. 

[Sazerac]

Dear Linda,

Quitting smoking is bringing you power and strength and self respect.

 

If your parents don't show you love and respect you needn't expect it from them.

They will never be the parents you needed or the parents you want them to be.

Cutting loose of your expectations of them will do you a lot of good.

 

I know it is really complicated and hard but, cut them loose emotionally.

If you can do that physically, remove yourself physically too.

Abuse is abuse and you shouldn't have ANY abuse in your life.

I removed myself from abusive family completely and feel GREAT.  

 

Protect your quit. Protect your quit.  Protect your quit.

Every day you are a stronger woman, 

just look at how your quit is giving you your power back with every crave you beat !

 

 

 

 

[catlover]

Stay strong Ladies, you are doing something amazing for yourself. Linda I agree with Sslip, you should be very very proud of yourself and you are such a compassionate person for being there for your parents, when a lot of folk would have walked away.

i look after my Mother in law who has dementia, and know how frustrating and hard it can be, those thoughts of smoking taking over at time. Stay strong, you and your health are way more important than a cigarette, that’s what I tell myself too.

sending (((((hugs)))))) to you both. 

[jillar]

I can't add a lot to what's already been said except to say that as you continue down this non smoking path you'll find yourself becoming more confident and your self respect will skyrocket. Each time you walk out your parents door and don't smoke you are showing yourself and the world that you are worth it.

You are doing great and we're so glad you're still smoke free. Plus sounds like you have a great quit buddy with Jackie. You two are doing everything right by posting for support. Be super proud of yourselves

Edited August 6, 2018 by jillar

[WeegieWoman]

Hi Linda and sorry to hear about your weekend.  I think all of us has a bit of sad somewhere in their life, heck family related, me for sure. So whilst im not going through the same thing, it does resonate.  Im so glad you didnt smoke and you know 1 billion percent smoking will not help your situation any!!! You will become a stronger, happier and more confident person if you keep your quit.  So just stick with it and stick with us.

As for your situation....can you continue like this? Will the brothers help or can you get some outside help? You need to look after yourself too Linda.  Im a bit like saz in that id be tempted to tell them to get stuffed.  They sound awful and they dont deserve you.

Life is shit sometimes isnt it.  Ah well. Thanks for sharing and i hope you feel a bit better even just getting it off your chest.

 

[Reciprocity]

The early part of our quit is so all consuming, it's hard to deal with other life situations that put additional stress on us.  I'm glad you found a way to stay quit through these other issues. Remember, you are doing this for YOU. No one else. Stay true to yourself and guard your quit as if your life depended on it because, it just might!

[notsmokinjo]

Sorry you have to deal with all this emotional sloth so early in your quit. I get where you coming from, probably better than you think. I was just lucky that I got to deal with it later in my quit. 

 

So I am coming to the conclusion that it doesn´t matter what I do or how hard I try it is never going to change the way my mother interacts with me. I´m also coming to realise that is on her, not me, and that it is her loss that we will never have the sort of relationship that we could or should... and I´m beginning to realise that I am OK with that... I have never had it, I never will have it, and unlike in the past lighting up and having a smoke isn´t going to make it hurt less or fill the void or answer the million but why questions. I only said to Saz the other day I was shocked by how many emotional issues and hurts from my childhood I thought I had dealt with have resurfaced during my quit. I have realised that I was using smokes as an emotional cork in the bottle of hurt... mum did something that hurt have a smoke, zone it out and put a cork in it.... not having that has made it all come out  but I am better for it. I am dealing with the triggers and while I´m doubtful I will ever forgive her and I´ll never forget I think I´m going to get to the point where i don´t need or care about her love and respect anymore and my life is actually going to be better off for it.

 

So as others have said.... the most important thing at the moment is you and your quit... set up an alternative 'reward' for putting up with the parents shit for now... so when they get on you have a mint or a sweet and walk away for a minute... or munch a carrot or celery stick... just don't give them or the nicob1tch the power to keep hurting you... nicotine and a smoke wont make it feel better and it wont love you or make you respect yourself... you can do that, you can love yourself by not smoking, you can boost your self esteem by not giving in to the addiction, because you are a wonderful, amazing, powerful woman who is so much better than her parents because you are giving them what they never gave you and not for any reward or prize but because you are a caring, compassionate woman who gives of herself because she can, on her terms, in her time.

[johnny5]

I'm sorry for all of what you are going through, Linda.  I know that must be a really rough family situation.  

 

Still, as others said, you need to not let that impact your quit.  You are doing an awesome thing by leaving cigarettes behind you for good.  

 

Quitting smoking can be really difficult in the early days but it does get a lot better.  I personally think it gave me a better life as it made me a much stronger and happier person.  

 

Quitting really is a great thing that you can do for yourself and do not let anyone else drive you to giving up on that.

[Boo]

9 hours ago, Linda Thomas said:

   At least I survived another weekend.  I have shed the tears, come home feeling worthless but managed to avoid smoking.  

 

Many quits have been thrown away over far less stressful situations than the one you just dealt with.  That's a win...a big win.  If you were truly helpless, you would have taken the easy route and fallen back on the nicotine crutch.  You chose the vigilant route instead.  Congratulations.

 

Difficult people are tough to deal with.  Even tougher when they come with family ties.  There's one person on this planet that you can control and that is yourself.  Other people's attitudes and ideas are unmanageable.  Your reaction to those same attitudes and ideas are totally within your control.

 

A piece of advice that I remind myself of on a regular basis is: don't internalize other people's attitudes and don't take things personally.  Life gets easier and I become much more content when I practice that advice.

 

Best wishes Linda.

[Whispers]

14 hours ago, Linda Thomas said:

  Now I am the only sole caretaker of these two very difficult parents.  Not a day goes by that I am not there taking care of them.  Oh can they push my buttons. 

 A situation very close to this i blew a quit of 2 1/2 years, you're very strong. I dealt with this for a few years and mentally it was the worst i had to deal with in my life. I picked up a bad habit in drinking to cope with it and that was a HUGE mistake(dont do it), feel free to contact me if you ever want to speak about this. I know all of what comes with this and i feel so sorry you have to go through this, we dont need to just chat about tickers. 

 

"Difficult people are tough to deal with.  Even tougher when they come with family ties.  There's one person on this planet that you can control and that is yourself.  Other people's attitudes and ideas are unmanageable.  Your reaction to those same attitudes and ideas are totally within your control" Boo gave you great advice.

 

 

Always remember Linda

[Mee]

Gee, I never considered myself strong.  I always thought I was weak because I can't walk away and not care.  I guess this is a good time to quit because it has brought me together with understanding, uplifting people that are there to support me.  I kind of always felt alone not realizing others have been through the same, maybe worse, situation.

[Whispers]

2 minutes ago, Linda Thomas said:

Gee, I never considered myself strong.  I always thought I was weak because I can't walk away and not care.  I guess this is a good time to quit because it has brought me together with understanding, uplifting people that are there to support me.  I kind of always felt alone not realizing others have been through the same, maybe worse, situation.

You never realize how strong you are until you're in the situation. Walking away would be easy way out. Don't forget when dealing with sick people that they are sick, its so very hard. I send you strength

[JB 883]

Linda I am going to try to put someone in touch with you who will understand what you are going through.

 

My question is - why don't your brothers get off their asses and help?

 

 

[Mee]

One brother lives in California (we are in Ohio).  He is very well to do and spends most of his time travelling with his family (for pleasure).  He does not have the time or interest in helping.

My other bother lives right here in the same community but does not have to lift a finger.  He has always been the golden child, who could do no wrong.  My parents have always been there to help him out of his binds.  He is very disrespectful to me and my family and my parents have allowed him to get away with this for years.  In my younger years, I was told to stay home from holidays and events because my brother did not want to be a part of our family.  My mother feeds on drama and loves to pit her children against one another.  Of course I am the "golden retriever" personality that has always tried to be peaceful and loving but I carry the hurt on the inside.  We really all were affected by our childhood.  We were physically abused by our father and when he could no longer do that it turned into verbal and emotional abuse.  My mother was never a mother.  She was a compulsive cleaner.  She would lock us in the basement or outside so that she could clean all day.  They still live in their big 5 bedroom colonial and cannot part with all their worldly possessions.  Neither of them can walk well and I handle all their shopping, medications, drs. appts. and meals. My dad falls on a daily basis and fortunately our ambulance service will come and pick him up.  He refuses to go to the hospital.  I spent the day there yesterday because he fell and cut his arms all up.  If I try to guide them into an assisted living community, my father calls me stupid.  

I am blessed with a wonderful husband and son, who do help.  

Wow, it kind of felt good to get some of that out.  I could really go on forever. 

For a long time I thought I did a good job of not allowing the dysfunction to affect my life and family.  I surrounded myself with wonderful people.  I did however use smoking as a coping device.  Now that I am in the thick of this, all those unresolved feelings are really raw.  I think if I make it through this quit, it will be a miracle! 

[Sazerac]

Linda,

You have the power to quit smoking and change your life.

It is not miraculous.  It is perseverance and intent.

Just don't smoke.  No matter what.  Don't let big tobacco and addiction rule you, ruin your life and eventually kill you.

Choose your life.

After you have a few months under your belt you will be astounded at all the other things that can be accomplished.

Believe in yourself and your decision to quit.  We do.

 

 

[Doreensfree]

What I found out about my self once I quit and took my life back....

I grew stronger in all aspects of my life too...you'll be surprised at the change it makes...

You'll be confident to deal with what's going on around you ...with new eyes....

You can do it Linda...you have a army behind you...

Glad you found unloading was helpful...were very good at listening.... X

[notsmokinjo]

6 hours ago, Linda Thomas said:

Now that I am in the thick of this, all those unresolved feelings are really raw.

 

Yep I know that place... so going to be a bit harsh here, but its coming from a good place.... nicotine uses those unresolved feelings to manipulate you to feed the addiction... simple as that... you will feel raw but that is because you are healing... you have ripped of the foul, disgusting bandage (smoking) that was covering up the hurt part of your soul (unresolved feelings) and now they are getting fresh air, now they are being dealt with, not hidden behind a filthy, false panacea, and like any wound when it first starts to heal it is very raw... but it gets better, and each time you face down that trigger that says a smoke will cure it and make it go away you weaken that trigger until it is nothing but something for you to laugh at and while you do that, take back control of your life, you become a stronger person.

 

Look how amazing and strong you are... you came through your childhood despite its horrors and have a beautiful son who did not live with your horror... so against the odds you broke the abuse cycle (true fact, most victims repeat the cycle of abuse/neglect with their kids, its the minority who break it, the strong, powerful one... oh wait, that's you)....you walk back into place of your abuse regularily to give the care and compassion to your abusers that you didn't get yourself... because you are a strong, powerful, caring woman... you don't have to go back to that place and continue to take their nastiness but you do because you are a bigger person than them... sure a part of you, the little girl who just wants to be held and loved and accepted wants that still but you are a mum, you are a wife, you were a school bus driver (and that's hard shit right there) and most importantly you are a strong powerful woman who is a survivor. Have faith in yourself... no more if this quit lasts... because the only thing that will make your quit not last is you and look at all the evidence I just gave you that you are stronger than that.

 

You know you can go 24 hours, 1 day without a smoke... you have done it for a few days in a row now... nearly a week.... but 24 hours, pfft that's nothing to you... so each morning promise yourself, NOPE I will not smoke today, I can not smoke for 1 day... and then the next day, just make the promise again.

[Boo]

17 hours ago, Linda Thomas said:

Gee, I never considered myself strong.

 

While quitting smoking is a process with a singular mission, to quit smoking, it is also a catalyst for change in many areas of life.

 

Quitting will have you breaking through barriers you once told yourself were impenetrable.  Quitting will force you to face the self-defeating thoughts that have been holding you back.  Quitting will fill you with self confidence and a sense of accomplishment.  The process will reveal strength previously unknown and simultaneously make you stronger.

 

Strength begets strength.