The Good, the Bad & the Ugly

[notsmokinjo]

The Good ..... I am still smoke free.

The Bad ..... I had a bad night, I didn't SOS or post or even log on

The Ugly ..... I walked half a km to 7 Eleven to buy a pack of smokes (I didn't, I bought a coffee but I made the bloke get the smokes out and ring them up before I said NO... it was that close).

 

So right now, I'm pretty pissy with myself because I was so stupid. I'm pretty shitty with the whole quit thing actually because the same triggers are still happening, I beat them every time but still. Its just doing my head in a bit. Then when I have these crazy moments I have to look at the whole situation and work out how much of it is really a craving or smoking thought and how much of it is being blown out of proportion by my thyroid levels making me wacky, or wackier than normal.

 

So what triggered last nights melt down... I had the sewing machine out. I kid you not that was the trigger. But the thing is, since I quit, every time I have the sewing machine out I fricking have this issue. Every time... now in hindsight last night was more a ok, finished that bit lets have a smoke more as a glancing thought than a crave, I turned it into a crave because my thyroid levels are high which is a bit like being manic at times, coupled with some anxiety... so a passing thought that would be like a breeze across my consciousness and I would normally shrug of and have a little laugh about turned into hours or mental fricking anguish with everything from "you are putting up with enough shit your deserve this" to "what's the point your going to die anyway" (I'm not, well I am, but not for a very long fricking time... just like we all will eventually)... it was back to the can't sleep because it was all i could think of, can't sew because it was plaguing every second.... it was crazy.

 

So the sun is out now... and its all evaporated away with the night. I'm glad I came to my senses and didn't cave. I am really angry with myself that I ignored every single step in my "if it gets bad" plan and did none of them.

 

So.. this is not an SOS... it is ok to rouse at me for not SOSing... for not saying hey having a tough time here... this is about me making myself accountable for my stupidity. That is what this is about.

 

OK so... in relation to the sewing machine trigger... its not like the first time I used a sewing machine (in the first week of my quit) where I went through 2 days worth of NRT gum and cried like a lunatic for 3 hours while sewing my daughter's primary school graduation dress (6 hour job in total) ... since then I haven't really sewn more than a few drama class costumes for the kid and hemming... but every time I have the bloody thing out and using it... a 'crave'... so they aren't as strong as the purple dress from hell day... and every time I use it there are less common and less intense and more just a passing thought. So maybe instead of looking at it (the sewing machine) as a horrible thing that is going to make me want a smoke I need to embrace it and use the thing to beat the shit out of this stupid connection I have developed between using the sewing machine and smoking.

[jillar]

Oh dear jo, that was a really close call for you! Did you not think to try your air cigarette before walking all that way? I still use mine from time to time, no shame in that game. I'm so glad you made it through with your quit intact. Please remember that you're not alone, use us to help you through next time ok? Xoxo

[notsmokinjo]

@jillar ... pretty sure I wasn't thinking much of anything at the time... I wanted one and be damned I was going to have one... I didn't really wont one, I certainly didn't need one... I was just being stupid... it was almost like a game of chicken I was playing with myself.. stupid and selfish.

[johnny5]

Yikes.  I'm glad you made it through with your quit in tact but that is scary, Jo.  Yes, please reach out the next time you are that much on edge.

 

I think I may have told you this before but after the first couple of months of my quit, I started doing real well for quite some time - hardly any urges or craves to smoke.  Then, out of nowhere, I was hit hard by all sorts of thoughts and urges to smoke for a few days roughly around my eighth month.  It frustrated me so much because I thought I had put that behind me but nicotine addiction is like that.  It will grab you when you least expect it.

 

These moments should become less frequent the further you get in your quit but that time frame varies for each person.  

 

The key is to stay smoke free, no matter what.  Reach out to us the next time something like this happens.  Lighting up a cigarette will do nothing but make you miserable at this point, especially considering how great you are doing in your quit.

[Boo]

Have you tried vigorous exercise when the cravings hit and the anxiety starts to snowball?

 

It worked for me a couple of times during the early days of the process.

 

Glad you didn't smoke, but be careful about flirting with disaster.  It was a cool song, but not a good blueprint for quitting smoking.

[Reciprocity]

Sorry to hear you had a struggle. It must be tough because of the other shite you're going through. Sometimes you're just not thinking with your practical brain so posting an SOS may not even occur to you. I'm glad you found your way through this episode and hope that you don't have a repeat experience any time soon. I do believe these urges or craves or whatever you want to call them will become less intense the longer you remain quit. Yes, you have 8 months in but it will be even easier when you are 1 year or 1.5 years. It's still getting better for me and I'm over a year now. I can't begin to factor in the other issues you're dealing with though. I just pray they don't somehow become a catalyst to you ever lighting up again. You've come too far yourself and you are held in pretty high regard around here as well. You know there's lots of peeps here that would come running to support you, anytime, day or night!

[NADA]

Jo

 

I suggest you copy and paste your post from here into the "Pre Respond to Your Own SOS". Then, if this ever comes up again you can see just how worked up this whole episode got you and how relieved you are that you didn't take that final, fatal step.

 

Also, I've spent a lot of time picking out a "nine" gif for your August anniversary.  Please don't piss me off.    

[Martian5]

Joe glad you made it through this.  With the other stuff going it can make it difficult.  I agree with Jillar -- I still have my air cig and when it gets bad I go out to the front porch and suck in some air-- it helps.  That was a close call, you need to remember no matter what the situation come here and post if need be post an SOS -- better safe than sorry, and we all want to help.  We are here for you!!!!!!

[Sazerac]

1 hour ago, notsmokinjo said:

The Good ..... I am still smoke free.

The Bad ..... I had a bad night, I didn't SOS or post or even log on

The Ugly ..... I walked half a km to 7 Eleven to buy a pack of smokes (I didn't, I bought a coffee but I made the bloke get the smokes out and ring them up before I said NO... it was that close).

 

So right now, I'm pretty pissy with myself because I was so stupid. I'm pretty shitty with the whole quit thing actually because the same triggers are still happening, I beat them every time but still. Its just doing my head in a bit. Then when I have these crazy moments I have to look at the whole situation and work out how much of it is really a craving or smoking thought and how much of it is being blown out of proportion by my thyroid levels making me wacky, or wackier than normal.

 

So what triggered last nights melt down... I had the sewing machine out. I kid you not that was the trigger. But the thing is, since I quit, every time I have the sewing machine out I fricking have this issue. Every time... now in hindsight last night was more a ok, finished that bit lets have a smoke more as a glancing thought than a crave, I turned it into a crave because my thyroid levels are high which is a bit like being manic at times, coupled with some anxiety... so a passing thought that would be like a breeze across my consciousness and I would normally shrug of and have a little laugh about turned into hours or mental fricking anguish with everything from "you are putting up with enough shit your deserve this" to "what's the point your going to die anyway" (I'm not, well I am, but not for a very long fricking time... just like we all will eventually)... it was back to the can't sleep because it was all i could think of, can't sew because it was plaguing every second.... it was crazy.

 

So the sun is out now... and its all evaporated away with the night. I'm glad I came to my senses and didn't cave. I am really angry with myself that I ignored every single step in my "if it gets bad" plan and did none of them.

 

So.. this is not an SOS... it is ok to rouse at me for not SOSing... for not saying hey having a tough time here... this is about me making myself accountable for my stupidity. That is what this is about.

 

OK so... in relation to the sewing machine trigger... its not like the first time I used a sewing machine (in the first week of my quit) where I went through 2 days worth of NRT gum and cried like a lunatic for 3 hours while sewing my daughter's primary school graduation dress (6 hour job in total) ... since then I haven't really sewn more than a few drama class costumes for the kid and hemming... but every time I have the bloody thing out and using it... a 'crave'... so they aren't as strong as the purple dress from hell day... and every time I use it there are less common and less intense and more just a passing thought.

So maybe instead of looking at it (the sewing machine) as a horrible thing that is going to make me want a smoke I need to embrace it and use the thing to beat the shit out of this stupid connection I have developed between using the sewing machine and smoking.

 

This is exactly the path, Jo.  Embrace the suck and make it work for you.  

I sew also and would hate for something as arbitrary as my nicotine addiction to gangster my sewing machine.

It is MY sewing machine,  a beautiful tool to create lovely things to wear or admire.

 

Go get your machine oil out and clean up your machine, meticulously.

Get all the fluff and chaff out of the workings.

Oil her up.

Check her tension.

Run her at top speed to exorcise all those demons out of her. 

Vroom Vroom Vroom.  

 

Sew a few miles of bliss for yourself, a veritable crazy quilt of love and kindness and FREEDOM, bebe.  FREEDOM.

 

I am so proud of you for pulling yourself back from the edge.  I know it was scary close but, YOU WON !  Ha !  Go celebrate.

 

 

[Sslip]

Jo, the below is said with all love and respect, but WTF?

 

You stupid sod. What on earth were you doing letting it get that far?

 

You know that you have an army of people here who have your back, who are willing you to succeed, who you can reach out to at any time day or night.

 

Sorry if I sound annoyed, but I am. I am frightened of what a slip would mean to you. Would you get back on the wagon straight away or would you disappear tail between your legs because you don't want to lose face with your friends here? Would you get back on the wagon at all because before it took you an age to quit again.

 

What you have already got under your belt these last eight months is precious. You know I am proud of you and what you have achieved and faced down through your quit and I am proud that you had the strength to step back from the edge. I am also extremely proud that you have the bravery to post your near miss here, but don't ever push it that far again.

 

I'm not sure if this has been posted here before, I know a number of wake up calls have, but take just 15 minutes of your time. It'll remind you why we don't want to play russian roulette any more.

 

 

[notsmokinjo]

43 minutes ago, Sslip said:

I am frightened of what a slip would mean to you. Would you get back on the wagon straight away or would you disappear tail between your legs because you don't want to lose face with your friends here? Would you get back on the wagon at all because before it took you an age to quit again.

 

Truthfully? ...  probably vanish into the ether not wanting to lose face.... and it took well over a decade to have a serious go at this again so this one is the one... there can be no reset moments.

 

Don't worry I'm annoyed at me too. I know I'm 1 puff away from a packet a day and I know I deliberately avoided here last night because I knew how easy it would be for everyone to talk me down.. I was behaving like a belligerent teen... and if I didn't fess up to it here it would be a slippery slope I had put myself on.

Edited August 1, 2018 by notsmokinjo

[Rozuki]

NSJo, you blue-footed booby!!!

 

I am so glad you had the courage to post about what you went through last night...to "fess up"....it would be so easy to just say nothing and just carry on, as usual. We all struggle through this addiction, some more than others here...and when other crap in our life appears - it makes it all seem so much harder (don't I know it!!!)

 

Sending you a big {{hug}}! So happy you didn't disappear into the ether!!!!! You can't...how would we know what the hell day we are celebrating????

 

 

[Joe7]

Hi Jo.....

 

The Good:  Countless common daily triggers have simply evaporated since I quit.

 

The Bad:  Plenty of powerful non daily triggers like your sewing machine existed for me at 8 months.

 

The Ugly:  Plenty of powerful non daily triggers like your sewing machine still exist for me at 15 months.

 

In another recent post of yours, you expressed your frustration that you recently started to experience a lot of triggers that you thought should be gone by now.

If you have an expectation that you should be past those odd ball type of triggers like your sewing machine by now, then you may want to consider changing that expectation. If you do expect and accept that those type of triggers may exist for quite some time, you may find it easier to deal with them. They will probably still suck, but you may be able to avoid another Russian roulette event like your walk to the 7-eleven.

 

 

[notsmokinjo]

11 minutes ago, Joe7 said:

If you do expect and accept that those type of triggers may exist for quite some time, you may find it easier to deal with them.

 

Great advice Lucky Joe... I think my biggest issue was the way I decided to cope with the trigger, sure I was shitty that I keep getting the same trigger but it was more that I knew once I had mentally built it into a much bigger issue than it needed to be I ignored the easy fix, posting in here and having someone tell me to get my head out me arse and stop being a d1ck, and consciously pushed the boundaries. So this post is all about accountability for me being an idiot and not so much about me having a trigger.

[Reciprocity]

I agree Jo! Posting what happened and the result and what could have been the result had you chosen a different path is probably the best thing you could have done. You've said it all to yourself and everyone else here and that will be the most therapeutic thing you can do going forward. Something to reflect on next time a similar issue might arise. Can't say I would have the guts to do that but isn't it great to know that after over 8 months you are still finding ways to successfully battle that Nicodemon into submission

[JB 883]

You are in first place for contributors to the forum. People take you serious as a quitter/non-smoker.

You kind of have a reputation to uphold here. You start a lot of the threads in celebrations. It is all good.

 

If you were to relapse, that would look really bad here.

 

You are not even the first to have a real close call though. The point is that you didn't smoke after all. 

 

And yes, there are some hidden triggers that surface time to time. I know when i am doing a project around the house that is bigger than just cleaning, the urge to smoke hits. I never do but it is kind of annoying.

[Doreensfree]

I'm late to this ...Hey Jo....

I'm going come over there and fry your brains......

Wow !!!....That wasn't a wobble....that was a nearly fall flat on ya face......can you imagine....for one second you had smoked....

It would have caused so much heartache.... You would have lost that precious quit....

The board would have been aimlessly wondering about ..wondering what the hell just happened...I know...

I've seen it .!!!!

You need to fill your tool box ,with more tools ,for when you get the sewing machine out again....learn by this ,so next time your more prepared.

It will get easier ..we can only promise you this...

Kick that nico monsters back side..you won that battle...a harder battle maybe...but you still won...

Thanks for being honest... It's a huge thing...

 

 

[WeegieWoman]

Hey Jo, sorry im late to this too. I always see the positives and the big fat positive is you didnt smoke.  But woooaaa that was a bit too close for my liking. We goto practice what we preach.  POST an SOS.  This is a reminder to me and I hope all of  us - POST AN SOS IF YOU ARE EVER STRUGGLING!!!!  Well done managing to get all the way to buy the fags and not actually buying them!!!!!!!!!!!  Maybe you could pledge NOPE before you sew and maybe during it, that might help you.  But phew, you are still with us.  Thanks for sharing

[Sazerac]

 

 

See ?  Sewing Machines have nothing to do with smoking !

Edited August 1, 2018 by Sazerac

[Sirius]

[JackiMac]

Jo I can relate to your post so much because this was me the last time I fell off the quit train, my wobble at 7 months quit, that incessant voice which seems to be louder than your voice of reason. The long walk to the shop, I actually went further than you I bought the packet came home and lit that damn stinking cigarette and just disappeared from the train with my head hung low. 2 and half years later here I am again, and this time when I know that those cravings are going to be shouting louder in my ear I am going to make sure I shout out an SOS I don't want that walk to the shop again I want this to be my new life, a new life as a non smoker and I know that you want it too. So when you hear that craving shouting what are you going to do.....yup shout out to those who have got your back, we are all here together on this journey. So pleased you made it through, and for being strong and not giving in. You got this and we got you. xx

[Paul723]

I think that when you accept that you are never going to smoke again, the struggle will fall away.  You are very close to that Jo, the addict inside you knows it too.

[Giveintowin]

It was good that you posted about this. I find it amazing to ghjnk we can put so much diligent attention into a quit and then on a whim lose it. Many have lost their quite this way. I lost previous quits this way too. It might pay to look at what you were thinking/feeling before you left for the shop. 

[NOPEster]

Hey friend. I’d search the internet for the foulest, most grotesque image of a smoker’s lungs, print it out and tape it to that sewing machine. 

 

If not a viable idea, perhaps the logo of the quit train site to remind you of all your efforts to quit and the fantastic support group you have here. 

 

Any image age you might think of to stop the demon reminder, just tape it to your machine. You’ll know what to use. 

 

I sure am proud of you for not buying that pack of cigs. Keep up the good work!!!

[Reciprocity]

13 hours ago, JackiMac said:

Jo I can relate to your post so much because this was me the last time I fell off the quit train, my wobble at 7 months quit, that incessant voice which seems to be louder than your voice of reason. The long walk to the shop, I actually went further than you I bought the packet came home and lit that damn stinking cigarette and just disappeared from the train with my head hung low. 2 and half years later here I am again, and this time when I know that those cravings are going to be shouting louder in my ear I am going to make sure I shout out an SOS I don't want that walk to the shop again I want this to be my new life, a new life as a non smoker and I know that you want it too. So when you hear that craving shouting what are you going to do.....yup shout out to those who have got your back, we are all here together on this journey. So pleased you made it through, and for being strong and not giving in. You got this and we got you. xx

 

Love this post from someone who's "been there" JM