I call Shannannigans

[RoryPlog]

Life is what happens when adults make plans.

 

First and foremost I am happy to be riding a successful quit for 5 months and change. No harder, or easier than any of the rest of us, my quit has grown into something I am very proud of.

 

Chapter 1 - Trials and Tribulations:  I can’t quit – I can try to quit but I will probably fail – I quit, but please don’t smoke around me – Quitting is too hard

 

To say that I understand why this quit is still going would be a lie. I have done the same, and different things this time around that don’t add up to success. I read, and wrote on the forums, I ate (and ate), I avoided situations that would encourage my habit. I struggle, sometimes through each minute, but I persist.

 

Chapter 2 - The repugnant smell of a quit about to go bad (No Man’s Land): I should just go hang out outside with the smokers (otherwise I’m missing something fun) – I can drink, maybe just try one toke

 

Dancing on the head of a pin, a slippery slope, I have slid into the lion’s den (the smoking pit). I have done the impossible and not indulged. I convince myself I am building a better me. The celebrations are further apart now. All of the support system is stretched thin. The great moments that were shared, one day, one month, just don't seem to have any joy.

 

 

Chapter 3 – That’s the Ballgame: You can probably have just one - Here hold this - Don't you miss the smell - I can't believe you have lasted this long

 

Innocently standing watching friends play a familiar game, in a familiar place, with familiar smells and WHAM she hands me a lit smoke to ‘hold’ while she goes up to bat. I can see the crossroads that Robert Johnson stood at. The wily old gent in his fancy suit, laughing while offering everything young Robert every thing he ever wished for.

I laughed nervously and stomped the temptation to bits beneath my feet. Though I passed this test it gave me long pause for thought.

 

I haven’t written the next chapter yet. The working title is – Six months is only half a year.

 

 My health is no better, and no worse. My weight has normalized. The demons running around in my head have been subdued lately. Summer time is always a flurry of activity. I have campfires to play guitar at, lakes to fish, and songs to write. I feel a bit like I have an open wound now and then. I pick at the scab of being an ex-smoker. When I do the wound underneath is still fresh, it still bleeds a little. It’s more of a dull ache when I get a craving, they are not hard to fight off.

I still argue with myself now and again that I was a happier person as a smoker. I know this is foolish, but can’t help myself.

 

You are all rockstars for continuing to support and help those of us still struggling.

 

Peace

R

[Sslip]

Hey Rory, good to see you around fighting the good fight.

 

Coming up on the half year mark shortly, who'd have thought it. Keep working it myh friend.

[jillar]

Great post Rory, a lot of us can relate to it. I do want to point out that you don't need to feel like your support system is wearing thin. We are here for you and will support you 100% in keeping your quit that you've fought so long and so hard for. 

As far as feeling better goes, our lungs need time to clear out the years and years of gunk we put in them. Heck, I'm at two years and my doc says my lungs are still recovering. So hopefully, with time, you will feel better.

I'm looking forward to reading your next chapter

[WeegieWoman]

Hi rory, sounding like a work in progress. Im surprised youve not seen any improvements in health. I felt my breathing better quite quickly. And definitely elements of my mental health have improved....im sooooo happy ive quit and no longer killing myself. And certain situations for example travelling /airports i feel much less stressed as im not stressing about when i can get my next fag!! 

 

I personally felt a real boost when i hit the six month mark. We re all striving for the lido deck here and getting past half way, it kinda feels like im now on the home straight. 

 

As everyone says here, be kind to yourself. Enjoy your lake fishing, guitar playing and writing songs....sounds like a wonderful summer you have ahead of you. And as jillar says, i can't wait to hear the next chapter. Im sure your words will resonate with a lot of people so thank you for sharing.

[notsmokinjo]

Hey Rory... great to see you. Loved reading your story and could really relate to a lot of it. OMG the "here hold me/finish me smoke while I bat" hated that all softball season but I think in the long run it helped to cement it.

 

Can't wait to read your next installment.

[Doreensfree]

Great post Rory...Thanks for sharing !!!!

[Reciprocity]

Hey Rory! Good to see you around again. Your story is not all that unusual. Thanks for putting it into words. This helps others understand what we quitters go through. Quitting involves a long period or readjustment. Perhaps longer for some than others but, the fact of the matter is that for all those who take the journey and stick with it for the duration, we do eventually get there. To the freedom point where we have turned the tables on benefits vs struggle.

 

Be proud that you have put in this much work to get to where you are now and continue the work because you will get to where you want to be!

[Giveintowin]

Nice post Rory. I sometimes think I felt happier smoking. Maybe/maybe not related to my brain needing to fully heal. Ie dopamine reward system. 

 

The thing ING is we haven’t even stopped for a year so I’d say this will take a while to rebalance. It helps me to think this way.