What would you do?

[Ren]

So I haven't smoked in 2.5 months. Last night my partner and I were at a friends' house having a few drinks, and one person there is a smoker. She's getting ready to go out to the deck, and my partner turns to me and asks ME if I would mind if she had a cigarette. I said, you do what you want, you know it's bad for you. So at first she didn't go out, but the next thing I knew, she wasn't there and she had slipped outside. Smoking when she's drinking is pretty regular for her...not a lot, but that's how I started smoking and I just wish she wouldn't at all. I don't feel like I can lecture her about it because I did the same thing. It's like America telling China it can't use coal. I already did that and it was bad, don't do it! And she's like, it's just a little bit of poison, you're doing mostly alright now, I can do it just for a while, why don't I get to have all the fun that YOU had?

 

When we first got together, I was a casual smoker and she never smoked. I was the one sneaking outside and getting reprimanded. Now it's the other way around and I don't know what to do. 

 

 

[notsmokinjo]

I'm not the best to answer this but I know there are others on here who have lived this or who are quit while their partners aren't.

 

What I can say is that rousing/nagging never helped me want to quit, especially off former smokers, it used to get my back up and make me smoke more just to spite whoever was rousing on me. See told you not helpful at all.... but I am sure there will be someone else about who is much better placed to give advice on this.

 

[Sslip]

Ren, in all honesty there is little you can do. You can't make other's choices for them. 

 

I'd be honest in a non judgemental way, by telling her it bothers you if it does whilst still respecting her right to make her own choices. Don't get angry or irritated about it. Don't forget it is you that has made the change for the better. Be very proud of that fact! 

[Sazerac]

What anyone chooses is Completely Separate From Your Quit.

As our friend, Cristóbal,  points out so clearly, 

 

You------->Your Quit------->Your Life
 

I know it is difficult to disentangle emotions, particularly in a young quit but, you must,  It will make it easier on you.

 

While I didn't have a smoking partner, I have plenty reckless friends

and get a thrill by silently thinking about my high ground.

 I know that I am not a slave to my addiction and have stars in my crown (because I put them there ! )

Let them do what they will. 

I can only be a shining example (and more if I keep my ego about this in check, LOL)

 

Be honest with your partner. 

Kindly tell the truth, all of it,

without demands or expectations.

Then, let it go and get back to loving them up.

 

This will all get easier, Ren.  Protect your quit and go have some fun.

[Reciprocity]

I would just set a good example by staying quit and perhaps casually mention, from time to time, how much better you feel about yourself since you quit and how much easier it is to resist the urge to smoke now that you have been quit for some time. Be subtle about it but plant the thought. I wouldn't say anything at the time they are going out for a smoke or after they return. That never works and just causes friction.

[Doreensfree]

Ren... You have had great advice..I carnt add much more...

Keep your side of the street clean...in other words...you cannot tell another person what they can do...

All you can do is guard your precious quit with your life...and hopefully your partner ..when they are ready will join you...

Deep down ..even if they dont  admit it.they would love to be in your shoes....

[Martian5]

Ren -- can't add much more.  Just remember to focus on your quit and that you can get by not smoking in any situation and hope that you set the example and part of that is not to chastise too much.  Just hope that your partner can see how much better you are doing.

[jillar]

You've been given great advice ren, nagging never works and we all know that. Just be glad that she's only a casual smoker and maybe try to hang around more with nonsmokers?

[Boo]

5 hours ago, Sslip said:

Ren, in all honesty there is little you can do. You can't make other's choices for them. 

 

Yep.

 

5 hours ago, Sazerac said:

What anyone chooses is Completely Separate From Your Quit.

 

Yep.

 

Keep a firm hand on the wheel and stay the course...your course.

[johnny5]

Great advice here, Ren. 

 

I remember when I was a smoker, I didn't want to hear someone trying to tell me how bad smoking was and why I should quit.  Now, when I'm in the presence of someone who smokes, I really want to tell them how much better their lives would be without cigarettes but I know that it probably will do nothing but irritate the smoker.

 

Keep your quit going strong and try to be an example to her.  Hopefully you will inspire her to stop with the social smoking. 

 

You can't control what she does.  You can control your actions, though, so keep your quit going strong.  At over 2 months smoke free, you are seeing how much better life is as a non-smoker and I hope this will help her realize that there is no need for cigarettes in her life either.

[JB 883]

Like a couple others said - I cannot add much more so I am not going to respond to this one.

[MarylandQuitter]

18 hours ago, Ren said:

And she's like, it's just a little bit of poison, you're doing mostly alright now, I can do it just for a while, why don't I get to have all the fun that YOU had?

 

This is the issue; straight up junkie thinking which rationalizes making unwise choices.  Being rational isn't going to get through to her but what will is your silence.  Set the example by your actions because they always speak louder than words and also show truth.

 

Great job on making the right choice to not smoke! 

[Giveintowin]

Unfortunately she has to decide if she wants to stop. Addiction sucks doesn’t it? What’s important really is that you’ve stopped. You will be glad you did when you are older. 

[^Shelly]

Make her home on the luggage rack cause she stinks so bad. And shower when you get home. I wouldn’t lecture. Just let her know that it stinks so bad that it makes you sick. 

 

Good luck. 

[christine 12]

On 6/1/2018 at 6:53 AM, Ren said:

So I haven't smoked in 2.5 months. Last night my partner and I were at a friends' house having a few drinks, and one person there is a smoker. She's getting ready to go out to the deck, and my partner turns to me and asks ME if I would mind if she had a cigarette. I said, you do what you want, you know it's bad for you. So at first she didn't go out, but the next thing I knew, she wasn't there and she had slipped outside. Smoking when she's drinking is pretty regular for her...not a lot, but that's how I started smoking and I just wish she wouldn't at all. I don't feel like I can lecture her about it because I did the same thing. It's like America telling China it can't use coal. I already did that and it was bad, don't do it! And she's like, it's just a little bit of poison, you're doing mostly alright now, I can do it just for a while, why don't I get to have all the fun that YOU had?

 

When we first got together, I was a casual smoker and she never smoked. I was the one sneaking outside and getting reprimanded. Now it's the other way around and I don't know what to do. 

 

 

My boyfriend keeps "sneaking" out for a smoke. I realize it's just a matter of me and me alone, and my willpower. I will never quit if I wait for a perfect time. Just deal with what I have before me.

[Ren]

Thanks for all the advice. You guys are so right. I have a new resolution to keep my mouth shut! 

 

I hate that holier-than-thou feeling and the way that words sound coming out of my mouth from this higher ground place....

I tell her it's just because I care about her...

But it still makes her feel terrible and starts a fight.

 

No more nagging, no more shaming