Preparing for a difficult situation

[lml]

My dear brother, whom I am very close, to is coming to visit and will be staying with me for a week. His wife who was my best friend died several months ago. We grew up together; he is 3 years older than me and he took me on so many adventures as a young one. In our earlier years before we moved and had kids,  His wife and my husband and my brother and I would hang out together and do lots of fun things - and relxed and smoked. He still smokes. Hence, my concern.

 

So many wonderful emotional connections. He knows i quit smoking and says he wont smoke around me and will not smoke a lot while he is here. He also is thinking of quitting in August - after his daughter's wedding, which he is very involved in planning. 

 

Will I want to smoke with him? Bring back so much closeness and times spent together? I am thinking of ways to prepare and things to tell myself when the urges come. 

 

Any ideas ?

 

Edited May 26, 2018 by lml

[notsmokinjo]

So answer this... are the good memories the smoking or are the good memories other things that happened at the same time and the people they happened with... see the smoking was just incidental, it was like sharing a meal of having a drink, sure it is part of the memory but when you think about what went on, what made it good it wasn't the drink, or the food, OR the smokes... it was the things your said or the things you did and the things you felt.... thinking it was the smokes, that's just the nicob1tch in ya ear... smoking had nothing to do with making those memories good, it was as significant as the clothes you wore and the shoes on your feet... don't give the nicobitch the power to hold any significance in your special treasured memories cos she has none, that's just bullshit that she was so significant to those memories... sorry for the tough love but don't give smoking any special place in your memory because thats crap....

 

... I quit in the middle of my softball season, most of my team mates and friends at softball smoke... (even behind the dugout during the game when we bat)... so anyway... I associated heaps of stuff with smoking and on my first Saturday at softball post my mid week quit I nearly worked myself into a panic attack because how would I be able to be at softball and not smoke... ok so there were moments where I would normally smoke and I would really want one... but I told my mates I was quit and they had my back... just like your bro sounds like he has yours. It was hard, there were triggers, but I knew they would be there. I knew I would have temptation week in and week out but each interaction was easier to deal with than the last... So I made sure I had lots of chewies (gum) and hard lollies and would just pop one of those and either chew may way through the situation or suck the lolly (candy)... most of all I had faith in myself to fight the urge because it was just a programmed action, not what I loved about softball or hanging at the rooms with my mates.

[lml]

Thx jo. You are so right. I dont know why i am giving the nicob1tch a fond place in those memories; it really does not add anything to how precious they are. Must be my addict thinking. I need to reprogram my brain on that one. You gave me a lot to start with. I have 5 days to complete the reprogramming, so give me all the tough love you can think of. That just brought the picture of doreen hitting me over the head with her frying pan...lol.

[notsmokinjo]

So... 5 days to find a suitable crave buster... chewy worked well for me because I am fidgetty.... but hard boiled lollies (sweets/candy) work well because if you suck them they last a while which helps with the crave... I tend to go the suck now but in the early days It was definately chewy as my go too (chewy = gum)... another trick, which can be a bit painful, is to have an elastic around your wrist and flick it to hold the crave at bay... but it stings and you can come across asa bit of a nuttah if your standing there flicking the elastic band harder and harder until the crave passes.

[Reciprocity]

lml, what Jo said is right. It's the people, the things you did together that the wonderful memories are built on. The fact that you both smoked is just incidental to it all but, because of that connection to smoking, you are right to anticipate the issue in advance and plan for it - not worry about it but just know in advance you may face some challenges because of the situation. You have done that so in your mind, you will be prepared. That's most of the battle right there .... being prepared.

 

You'll be fine! Just wait and see.

[Sazerac]

I, too, have every confidence in you, Iml.

You will, no doubt, be touching many emotions during this visit with your brother.

 

Sure, you may still connect your closeness with smoking, it's a body memory.  Don't worry about it.

You may well want a smoke with him.  That is OK.  You Won't smoke with him.

Let the urges and thoughts pass without action or judgement and show yourself kindness.

 

We usually make it a big deal when we future trip about potential temptations.

Reality is often much kinder because we trust ourselves.

 

It will be inspiring to him when/if you share your quitting experience and he sees how you have returned to yourself, how empowered you are.

 

 

[Doreensfree]

Oh you don't need me sweetheart..you already know this is stinkin thinkin...

You are a beautiful non smoker now...something your lovely brother wants desperately to be..hence wanted to quit after the coming wedding..

Of course you have memories...but you are about to make new ones...

I found in my early quit ..I over thought stuff...worry about this,worry about that,and it turned out ..it was just fine...and nothing to worry about at all

Keep regular gum handy... And we will be here ...any time you need us..x

[jillar]

You've been given great advice already lml, just remember it's not that you can't smoke it's that you choose not to smoke. Also it might help if you don't go outside with your bro when he goes to smoke. Kinda the out of sight out of mind thing. And lastly if worse came to worse and I really felt a bad crave I would pretend I was holding an invisible cigarette and then go through the motions of "smoking" it. Some people use straws, pens, etc. Doing that really tricked my brain into thinking it was getting what it wanted. And the deep breathing I was doing by doing that helped calm my crave.

Oh and of course we'll be here if you need us

[JB 883]

Do not let someone else's bad behavior cause you to screw up.

[lml]

Thank you all for your words...all so true. 

[Boo]

8 hours ago, lml said:

 Any ideas ?

 

Experiences vary.  Before my quit, I planned and thought about what I would do in the presence of other smokers.  Then I quit.  Really committed to not smoking anymore and from day one of my quit being around other people smoking simply did not affect me one iota.

 

Be prepared.  Stay true to yourself.  Take it as it comes.  Don't get yourself worked up over something that may not even be an issue.

[johnny5]

You are doing good by preparing in advance for this.  I can't add much that hasn't already been said as you have already received some great advice.

 

Remember, you are a non-smoker now and are doing great.  Try to be an example to your brother as it may inspire him to follow through on his plans to quit as well.  If the temptation to smoke does get strong, reach out to us on the board.  

 

I'm confident you'll make it through smoke-free.  You are doing great, lml.

[Cbdave]

Gday

3 months after I'd quit I went to a wedding. Very afraid I'd be tempted by old smoking friends. I first started my dayly NOPE in preparation.

Well I didn't smoke. And after that wedding 2 old friends gave up smoking. I couldn't be happier 

C

 

[Giveintowin]

I think what you’re doing now as in talking about it. Mentally preparing is really important when it comes to challenges with quitting. Well done. You’ve got this. 

[Christian99]

I agree that it's a really good sign that you're trying to think through some of the dimensions of this in advance and develop some strategies in case things get dicey.  I guess I just want to strike a slightly different note/tone, though (to complement not to undermine others' remarks):  that is, given the circumstances you describe, it's possible you WILL have some very unsettling stretches during and even after his visit, despite the terrific advice you've gotten and your best of intentions going in.  This is an enormously powerful addiction with deep affective registers, which, at one (glorious!) month quit, you're still unraveling.  His presence and all it conjurs may twist and obscure its meanings and your commitment. 

 

I say all this in large part to remind you to be vigilant, humble, and absolutely ruthless in your abstinence.  Regardless of how the visit goes (and I hope it's awesome), nothing is more important than the quit.    

 

Christian99

About 16 1/2 Years Quit

Edited May 28, 2018 by Christian99

[NOPEster]

Hi lml,

 

Your quit date is 4/29/2018. Protect your precious quit date with ALL you got. Be very, very CAUTIOUS around another smoker at this delicate time. You are still quitting smoking; you are not a "quitter" yet. 

 

Just hold on tightly. Keep your guard up and don't f_ck it up!

 

You'll be fine I'm sure. Your brother loves you so he'll look out for you while he's there. But the nicco-demon would love nothing more than to wipe you out on your tail and get you right back to smoking again. 

 

Kindly,

NOPEster

[lml]

Still thinking about this and preparing myself. Like my first day going to school. 

 

Dont f_ck it up resonates loud and clear in me.

Edited May 29, 2018 by lml

[WeegieWoman]

Hi lml. Hope u are ok and you have been very wise pre empting this. You will either suceed or fail. No half measures. And i know you will suceed. Maybe im just a big hippy and always expect the best but you will do this. And getting through the early days. Is what builds a real strong quit. Please share with us what happened xxx

[lml]

Well, tomorrow is the big day.

 

I really appreciate all the support and advice. Once again, I don't feel "alone" in this battle. And it is very helpful to me to know that most of you understand the emotional battle this is for me. This addiction is undescribable to someone who hasn't been there. While I am over the physical and many of the habbits, there is another emotional aspect for me. 

 

Thanks everyone. 

[Giveintowin]

24 minutes ago, lml said:

Well, tomorrow is the big day.

 

I really appreciate all the support and advice. Once again, I don't feel "alone" in this battle. And it is very helpful to me to know that most of you understand the emotional battle this is for me. This addiction is undescribable to someone who hasn't been there. While I am over the physical and many of the habbits, there is another emotional aspect for me. 

 

Thanks everyone. 

You’re not alone in this battle and the way through is to talk about it. Keep us posted during this time. It helped me to check in when I had to fly which I was nervous about. 

[Sazerac]

Hey, Iml,

Remember who you are, you don't smoke anymore.  You prepared the best you can, now go have a great visit with your brother.

 

[Doreensfree]

You can do it !!!!.....believe in yourself...your stronger than you think....

We are here ,anytime you you feel you need us ....

Enjoy the precious time with your brother....I'm sure he will be very proud of your fabulous achievement....

[jillar]

Enjoy your time with your bro lml, we'll be here if you need us you awesome non smoker

[PeaceTrain]

Can’t wait to hear about your visit with your dear brother and how it went for you. You’ve got such a strong quit going, I’m sure you’re acing it. Like others have said, maybe it won’t be an issue at all. It hasn’t been for me- surprisingly. I get more of an urge seeing someone in a movie smoking than I do seeing people in front of me smoking. I barely notice it. 

[lml]

Just got call and brother just landed. I have decided i will enjoy his company and will NOT SMOKE. NOPE!!! 

 

You are all so right, it is him i have such fond memories, not the cigs. WTF was i thinking...was my addiction

 

Thank you all for support and understanding

 

I would love to see him quit.

 

i am leaving thr alan carr book out laying around...lol. 

Edited May 31, 2018 by lml