Still in the first 3 days

[Kate18]

Dinner is over and as I carried my dishes to the kitchen, I was aware of a vague feeling that I'd forgotten something...then I realized that this was the time when I'd head straight outside to the back of a small park on the other side of the walking path in front of my patio for a smoke. Eleven years of habit, piping up to be rewarded with a nicotine hit. I can feel all of those nicotine and dopamine receptors anticipating the usual hit of nicotine. Well...now they are disappointed. I suppose the nicotine receptors are already scaling back, and I'll have to get a dopamine hit from something else. Yesterday after dinner, it was cherry vanilla ice cream. Can't make a habit of that one.  Chocolate, I think, for the next one.     Just kidding.  Ice cream maybe once every week or two. Hagen Das has the handy single-serving size. Container says two servings. Not in my world.

 

OK, didn't want to post SOS because I wasn't going to go get cigarettes. Just passed through this craving--longest and strongest of today--by rambling. Then my son called in the middle of typing. He and is wife are having their first child--a girl--in mid September. She is so very worth keeping the quit so that I can be a part of her life, not as a diseased smoker, but as a healthy, fit grandmother.  My quit date is the birthday of my other granddaughter, she is now 5 and we are very close.

 

Craving gone. Going to bed early again in order to prevent any more cravings tonight.  Whatever it takes. Going slowly, one day at a time. 

If you're in a night-now time zone, sweet dreams. For others, wishing you all a joyous, clean, smoke-free day!

[jillar]

Great update Kate, congrats on that new granddaughter coming. Have a goodnight

[Kate18]

26 minutes ago, jillar said:

Great update Kate, congrats on that new granddaughter coming. Have a goodnight

Thanks, jillar. I haven't gotten used to being a grandmother yet. Or getting older. I look in the mirror and ask myself, "who is that old woman there?"

[jillar]

I hear you Kate, I'm 54 now so can relate but that little five year old must help keep you young

[Sazerac]

Congratulations on your quit, Kate.  You are doing great and are in the first crush of detox.  Remember to breathe and keep an eye on your blood sugar.

Post often and never hesitate to call on us, we are watching you and cheering you on.

[Sslip]

Kate, congratulations on the family news, that is awesome. Love the way you are doing this and the bit of fun in your post. I'd stick with the cherry and vanilla if I were you though, a far better flavour. 

 

I'm a grandad to 3 and we get sleep overs at our place. I can tell you that we have so much more fun than ever before since I gave up. No itching for time away so I can have a smoke. No worries about the smell when I give those great big joyous hugs. No compromise at all on our time.

 

You are making smart choices, carry on posting lots, carry on getting the extra sleep, carry on with little treats. 

 

We are here ready to support whenever you need. 

[Doreensfree]

Great positive post Kate..most of us here ..missed that after meal cig too..just keep busy ..chew regular gum..

Grandkiddies are so very special...no stinky hugs of Nana....so worth it...I will give you food for thought.!!!

Our grandkiddies have never been able to play much with grandad...he has emphysema.... On and off oxygen.... Can only go out by wheelchair.....

The small uncomfortable time it takes to quit....is far better than a smoking rested illness....keep marchin..

 

[lml]

Hi Kate,

 

You sound good, positive and strong.  Whatever it takes is right! 

 

Quote

 I look in the mirror and ask myself, "who is that old woman there?"

 

Heh. I can so relate. Many times, if I am walking down a street and see my reflection in the window, I take a second look because that older woman looks familiar....

 

Keep going, one step, one day at a time. 

[Kate18]

The thing about going to sleep in early evening to avoid cravings, apparently, is that one wakes up early. As I start this post, it's 3:27 am.  Around 3:00, I was having persistent, uninvited, nightmarish thoughts while in a half asleep-half awake state.  I couldn't shake them to get back to sleep. My mind must have been on a sort of automatic,  because the self-talk that percolated up to my conscious mind was that if I'd give up, get up, make a cup of strong French roast coffee, and take it with me and have a smoke in the fresh air in the small park across the path from my patio---then the bad thoughts would dissipate and I'd feel great again. 

 

With that auto-suggestion pleasantly floating in my thoughts for 10 or so seconds, I gradually became more awake.  Then a tiny bell dinged and I had to chuckle while I got up to make the coffee. Hellooo-ooooh, I don't smoke! Auto-suggestion voice is silenced and not a happy camper. I have this image of Grumpy in the Disney version of the Snow White story, slouched down, his arms crossed,  face in a dark frown. 

 

This is so odd, so amusing.  It's as though there is another self or entity or personality  -- something-- that is grumbling "you're no fun anymore."  It feels as though there is a dark spirit I was unaware of, but had been possessing my thoughts totally for the past decade. I thought that was "me," all there was to me. The dark has shrunk a bit and there is a bit of room for someone I could be, a better self. The image that goes with this feeling is that there is a small, thin arc of light in my head where once there was only darkness. It a start. The dark part is very strong and persuasive, and the light could easily be covered again.

 

I've read a number of your (everyone's) posts that reference the nico-demon. I just thought it was a figure of speech associated with a strong craving. I didn't think of it as a separate voice in the psyche (or wherever) that is a tricky sociopath, really, really wants to smoke and is in a fight with another voice or entity (etc) that is struggling to get the upper hand in a fight for life. 

 

Well, happy to say, that in this brief round between nicodemon and better self, it is nicodemon, 0;  better self, 1. 

 

I'm sounding cavalier, but really, I'm sober, serious, vigilant and patient. This is just the start of what has to be a lifelong commitment, made one day at a time. I haven't been good at keeping commitments. Terrible, really. Terrible. So disappointing and frustrating. I don't want to live like that, don't want to be that person.

 

I know that one doesn't overcome nicotine withdrawal in one fight. The posts I've read make clear that cravings are likely to get even stronger and interfere with thinking clearly. I have to stay present and mindful of the thoughts in my mind--"does this thought originate from addiction?" Given my history, I have to be very careful around anything that could be a trigger and make me upset.  My constant companion in the past few days is Abraham Twerski's book, "Addictive Thinking." When I've felt a craving, I get out the book and read a few paragraphs until the craving passes.

 

Gotta go to work. Have a great day y'all.   

[JB 883]

I think Doreen knows better than anyone on this board about why it is good to keep the quit.

 

Just make sure you really fight like hell if you have to to NOT smoke. We have plenty of people come and go, I think a lot of them make it to about the third week then relapse. Do not be one of them.

 

If you DO have to replace with a different bad habit, I recommend soda. My poison is Pepsi. The other day me and my room mate went to the grocery and get this - with all the cans and bottles, we had over 100 pounds of soda in the house...

 

But yeah there is like this stigma that smokers have to deal with. Once we quit smoking and STAY quit, we don;t have to go to some designated "cancer up" area roughly 100 miles away, people do not talk crap about how we are killing ourselves, etc...

 

Tell tobacco to go to hell. It has NO place in your life. Oh yeah, the "nicobitch" (as nonsmokingjo calls it) is going to fuss, scream, yell, bitch, fight, pout, and beg for you to feed it some more nicotine.

 

But, like a child throwing a tantrum, it eventually gives up and one day you notice it "politely asks" for nicotine and you tell it "no" and it goes away again for the day

 

 

 

Edited May 23, 2018 by Jetblack
f*cked up again

[notsmokinjo]

@Kate18 you nurture that nice ray of light that is filtering in, keep it protected from the shadows. Protect it and surround it with positive energy and watch it grow. I love this imagery, and am probably going to steel and plagiarize it in the near future... its caught in one of the corners of my brain and I can feel it growing. Saz is right though, keep those blood sugars up... it does help.

[johnny5]

Congratulations on the news of your new granddaughter, Kate!

 

Keep up the great work with your quit.  Be that healthy, fit grandmother that you described for your grandchildren.

[Reciprocity]

You always quit for yourself first Kate but the added benefit is that your grand kids will never have memories of you as a stinky smoker. You can hug them all you want for as long as you want and not have to worry that you smell of stale cigarette smoke