Autopilot override

[Lust4Life]

These days I often think I'm in control.  

In control of my quit. Not much else.

I'm not often in situations where this belief is questioned.

That is not to say they never are.

Tonight I spent time with the smokers.

An intimate gathering so my abstinence was obvious. 

It would've been so easy to take that one.  Just the one, right?

NOPE!

I'm thankful the temptation is muted, not blaring nonstop in my brain.  

I am upset because I want this to be over.  I don't wish to recognize this as a victory... as being strong. 

I want it to be a 100% non-issue. 

I don't smoke & that's that. No need to applaud my non-smoking evening.  No need to be elated that after all this time- I KMQ after an evening with the smoking friends.

I estimate I am 98% indifferent to smokers. I can hangout with friends that still smoke & not writhe in junky agony.

That 2% might always try to seduce me.

That 2% might never vanish.

It might continue to fight me. 

Dammit, I will always win!! 

[jillar]

Thanks for sharing lust, I too am thankful the temptations have mellowed with time. 

[Sazerac]

Lust,

This is a great post.  I feel/felt exactly as you.  Not smoking should become a 100% non-issue.

 

I'm not sure but, by acquiring our nicotine addiction,  I feel we may have crossed the rubicon on that one.

In fact, this is the truth.

 

Sure, craves fade into oblivion and temptations are empty and hollow, 

smoking does become a non-issue but, can we or should we ever be 100% clear ?

 

Lately,  approaching 6 years,  I had my very tiny memory lapse, I forgot that I smoked. 

I had a nano second when smoking left my brain completely. 

I was euphoric. 

It also scared me a little because I need to remember I am an addict,

this is essential to my survival as a free person.

 

Even though I harbor a bit of resentment towards my addict self and the small variable percentage of addict consciousness   

I can appreciate that this is now in position to assure I never smoke again.  I use the signposts.

 

Thank you for writing this L.  

It is full of truth and conviction.

Nice quit, by the way.  

s

 

 

Edited May 19, 2018 by Sazerac

[Reciprocity]

I thought I would get there too when I first started out in this battle but, I think you are correct. 100% is not achievable because that Nicodemon got into our DNA when we first got hooked.  I AM getting to be pretty OK with being at 95% or 98% or where ever I'm at though. It sure beats the hell out of the struggle early on and the benefits gained and enjoyed since quitting make it a big win for me. I'll never regret going through all the struggle that brought me to where I am today - never

[Doreensfree]

You won the battle....

How many more battles you may have to fight ...I wish I could tell you...

Coming up go 5 yrs...I still remember I was a smoker...not to have one....but remember I did smoke for decades...

I don't think of them often...

We are all addicts...as long as we keep  our guard.....we will keep the monster sleeping !!!

[Reciprocity]

My mother is 98 years young now and she smoked like almost everyone else did back then. She quit probably 50 years ago and has had cancer twice and beat it both times She told me she still today has the occasional thought out of nowhere about smoking when something unusual happens. Like maybe a few times in the past 20 years.

 

So what's the lesson here? Well, there's a few!

1. You will never have the mind of someone who never smoked so don't expect that.

2. Quit as soon as you can and never start up again because it's never too late to quit.

3. Get yourself checked out medically because, if there's something wrong going on and it's caught early - you can beat it!

[Giveintowin]

This is a great post lust. I guess looking at 2% compared to how we felt on our first days quit, we would have thought 2% is amazing. I do understand the desire for it to be a non-issue. If it was a non-issue you wouldn’t have noticed anything much during the get together and we wouldn’t have had your post.