Teen smoking

[Jenny]

My daughter confessed to me the other night that she tried a cigarette   To say I was shocked is an understatement.   She's 18 years old and graduating from High School in a couple of weeks.  She said she hated it and wondered why people would like it.  I remember feeling that way too just before I embarked on my 28 year smoking journey. 

 

I blame myself since I smoked for so much of her life.   Not a very good example there.  I was hoping that the difficulty I had with quitting would help to make my kids aware that you can't go there at all.  I guess not. Not sure my point other than that I am feeling guilty.  I did tell her I would promptly beat her AZZ if she does that again.  

 

 

 

[johnny5]

I smoked my first cigarette in about the fifth or sixth grade.  I was so disgusted by that experience that I didn't smoke another cigarette again...until my first weekend in college.  And, it wasn't long until, well, you know...

 

I don't think any of us set out to be addicts but that occasional social cigarette early on can become an addiction quickly.

 

I think it is good that your daughter told you and I really hope she doesn't light up again.  Since she confessed to you, I hope she listens to what you say and realizes how bad this whole smoking thing can really be and steers clear of trying it again in the future. 

Edited May 10, 2018 by johnny5

[notsmokinjo]

^ so I liked your post, for lack of a suitable option... we need a hug, or a pat on the back option or something... because I didn't think sad was appropriate either.... we just need something fr solidarity or to show support... a flower? wont the sticks just love that.

 

OK big huge fellow mummy hug. Lets focus on the positives here.... she confessed, voluntarily... that shows she loves and respects you and you have an amazing relationship. It shows she knows she did wrong and you are going to love her unconditionally, regardless of what stupid thing she does... and at 18 the stupid is only just beginning. It shows she wanted 'the talk' and you to do the mum thing... she wanted to hear, that's how I started don't be a dipshit like me... she wanted to be reminded of that and she knew you would do it without making her feel worthless, COS YOU ARE A FRICKIN BRILLIANT MUM!!!!

 

Don't blame yourself at all either cos parents smoking making it acceptable for the kids.. I call bullshit. Neither of my parents smoked in my life time and both were militantly anti smoking (well mum would have a cigar when she was really drunk but that's it) and I grew up to be a minimum pack a day smoker. My cousins, who grew up with two chain smoking parents and all their clothes reacked of stale smoke cos they smoked in the house... both grew up to be militantly anti smoking. What your parents do does not control what you do.. were you in her mind controlling her muscles?, didn't think so (and if you were please tell me how so I can do that with the Kid). You did not put that smoke in her mouth, light it or drag... as an adult (18 is legally an adult) she chose to do that herself. As an adult, she knew she effed up and came to talk to you about it. You were a great example to her.

 

 

[Boo]

46 minutes ago, Jenny said:

I blame myself since I smoked for so much of her life.   Not a very good example there.  I was hoping that the difficulty I had with quitting would help to make my kids aware that you can't go there at all.  I guess not. Not sure my point other than that I am feeling guilty.  I did tell her I would promptly beat her AZZ if she does that again.  

 

My dad quit smoking five-years before I was born.  My mom never smoked.  Yet I started smoking and fell right into the trap of nicotine addiction.  No one to blame but myself.

 

Death, taxes, and teenagers doing stupid shit are some of the few guarantees we have in this life.

[Jenny]

10 minutes ago, johnny5 said:

I smoked my first cigarette in about the fifth or sixth grade.  I was so disgusted by that experience that I didn't smoke another cigarette again...until my first weekend in college.  And, it wasn't long until, well, you know...

 

I don't think any of us set out to be addicts but that occasional social cigarette early on can become an addiction quickly.

 

I think it is good that your daughter told you and I really hope she doesn't light up again.  Since she confessed to you, I hope she listens to what you say and realizes how bad this whole smoking thing can really be and steers clear of trying it again in the future. 

Thanks Jonny, I hope that is so.  All I could think of when she said that is how I thought the same when I smoked my first and I still ended up a smoker.  Joel sent me a link related to this subject.  I'll share it here as soon as I watched it so it may be of use to someone else. 

 

9 minutes ago, notsmokinjo said:

^ so I liked your post, for lack of a suitable option... we need a hug, or a pat on the back option or something... because I didn't think sad was appropriate either.... we just need something fr solidarity or to show support... a flower? wont the sticks just love that.

 

OK big huge fellow mummy hug. Lets focus on the positives here.... she confessed, voluntarily... that shows she loves and respects you and you have an amazing relationship. It shows she knows she did wrong and you are going to love her unconditionally, regardless of what stupid thing she does... and at 18 the stupid is only just beginning. It shows she wanted 'the talk' and you to do the mum thing... she wanted to hear, that's how I started don't be a dipshit like me... she wanted to be reminded of that and she knew you would do it without making her feel worthless, COS YOU ARE A FRICKIN BRILLIANT MUM!!!!

 

Don't blame yourself at all either cos parents smoking making it acceptable for the kids.. I call bullshit. Neither of my parents smoked in my life time and both were militantly anti smoking (well mum would have a cigar when she was really drunk but that's it) and I grew up to be a minimum pack a day smoker. My cousins, who grew up with two chain smoking parents and all their clothes reacked of stale smoke cos they smoked in the house... both grew up to be militantly anti smoking. What your parents do does not control what you do.. were you in her mind controlling her muscles?, didn't think so (and if you were please tell me how so I can do that with the Kid). You did not put that smoke in her mouth, light it or drag... as an adult (18 is legally an adult) she chose to do that herself. As an adult, she knew she effed up and came to talk to you about it. You were a great example to her.

 

 

Agree, we need something to signify support for sure.  I like the flower idea hahaha.   Thanks for your words.  Guilt is a huge part of my parenting plan apparently  lol.   I think I was just so shocked.  Didn't see it coming.  I'm going to have to circle back to her for more discussion once I've had some sleep.

[notsmokinjo]

1 minute ago, Jenny said:

  Guilt is a huge part of my parenting plan apparently  lol. 

 

Oh, I see we went to the same school of parenting.

[jillar]

Jenny, jo hit it spot on. It's obvious she wanted you to tell her how stupid it was otherwise she wouldn't had said anything to you. And yes, we need a hug option!

Edited May 10, 2018 by jillar

[Sazerac]

As a parent, my only job was to give another being life. 

Then hip them to not put their finger in an electrical socket or grab my carving knife from the Christmas dinner table.

 

We can only do what we can do to help the next gen to smarten up.

 Provide and nurture. and let it go. 

 

Jenny, don't forget, you don''t smoke and you know how to help smokers wanting to quit. I am one of your success stories.  

 

[Doreensfree]

I was 11 when I first had my first hit of nicotine...did I tell my folks..not a chance...because I wanted to smoke..

Your daughter has been upfront..this is a a good sign ..she has made a choice ,she doesn't want to be a smoker....

My hubs and I both smoked all the time our kids were growing into adults...and never smoked at all....

I find it fascinating ...I would,nt let the wind blow on my kids...only our stale stinky second hand smoke....talk about guilt !!!

[notsmokinjo]

@Doreensfree so you are another bad, evil mum?? I don't think so your kid didn't just paused her whole life to fly half way round the world to care for you and her dad for any other reason than you are a bloody fantastic mum who has nothing to be guilty of and that's your daughter opinion cos her actions tell us so.

[lml]

Hugs Jenny. 

[brand.new.ela]

Hugs Jenny. I do believe that her confessing is a good sign, a sign that she doesn’t want to go that way. 

[Sslip]

Jenny,

 

This may be a little controversial here and if so I am happy to remove the post or for it to be removed. 

 

There is many worse things that your daughter can do in life than smoke a cigarette.

 

From personal experience those that are going to try one will do so regardless of what they see around them. 

• Before I ever started smoking my grandad lost first one, then the other leg to smoking related disease. Sadly it took his dignity to such an extent, that he didn't want his family around at the end. 
• When I had been smoking just a brief time I lost my Nan to smoking related illness. Officially pneumonia got her. 
• When I was in my early 20s I lost my dad to a massive heart attack brought about my smoking. He was no more than 4 years older than I am now. 
• In my thirties my mum had to have major surgery due to a number of years smoking. 

 

The point of this? We are each our own person and those choices we make are our own. I could justify it because I would never allow myself to get that bad, it wouldn't happen to me. 

 

I know from personal experience and the experiences of thousands of others here that nicotine addiction is so surreptitious that nobody recognises or cares to recognise the point at which it takes control. This we need to teach people. 

 

It wasn't until I recognised behaviours I didn't like in myself I decided to change. Then I was ready to be truly educated. It was only at that point I could really understand. 

 

The things I emphasised to my kids were to be kind and not wilfully hurt others, anything else we can deal with. We have had some interesting discussions and I'm happy that they do speak to me. 

 

It may sound flippant, but try not to regret the past, it serves little purpose. What you should do is rejoice! 

 

Your daughter has grown into a young woman who will make her own choices, for better or worse. 

She is a young woman who is brave enough to talk openly about experiences. 

And most of all that she is a young woman who trusts, loves and respects you enough to speak to you about it. 

 

You sound like you have a great relationship, try not to be too hard on her or yourself. 

Edited May 10, 2018 by Sslip

[Jenny]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement.  I do get wrapped up in regret at times, especially in regards to the years I spent smoking.  It's hard to believe that a few years ago I truly was not sure if I could survive without smoking.  Addiction isn't rational that's for sure.  

 

I am going to keep the conversation going with her.  She's such a good girl that sometimes I wonder if she's my child!   When I asked her where she got the cigarette she said she took one from a friend.  This same friend had offered her one before she was 18 and she told her no because it was illegal before she was 18 and she didn't want to break the law.  Sounds like an excuse I know but my girl is a rule follower to a T.   

[Doreensfree]

Your daughter sweetheart has made her decision...she tried it ...and it wasn't for her....

She would already have smoked more ..

My daughter was about your daughter's age..when she tried that one...

Knew right away it wasn't for her...and now in her forties....smoke free...

Good for her ...

[JB 883]

No need to feel guilt. She can make her own choices being 18. But more important - kids are going to experiment. That happens whether the parents do a habit or not.

 

Of course stay on top of things but i just do not see her taking up the habit at this point. Most smokers start before they are 18. However, if she DOES start smoking, it will be time for mom to start beating some serious ass.

 

Though - what kind of "friend" does she have that keeps trying to offer cigarettes?