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** WARNING ** - I am about to talk about the death of friends and loved ones so if this is a sensitive issue for you please don't read. I was Quit 26 days... and struggling with the quit, that third week had been hell on earth. It felt like every other minute I was fighting the urge to light up. There were two voices in my head Notsmokin Jo (NSJ) who does not smoke and Smokin' Jo (SJ) who does and boy was that Smokin' Jo loud and persistent about being heard and fed her addiction... and then at 10.30pm on day 26 my phone rang... and I dropped everything and went to my friends place... her husband had gone for a drive with his brother 3 hours early and not come home.... the internet was full of news of a horrific accident in our area..... the footage looked like it might be the car.... so while we went to the police station and my daughter stayed with her besty and her grandparents and we went to the cop shop.... the whole time SJ is in my head... "OMG this is serious shit, you can't do this you need a smoke. Like now. If you smoke you will be able to focus on what you need to do... you are such a selfish friend, how can you help if your don't have a smoke to calm the f down... enough of this quit bullshit, you need to get your act together and have a smoke then sort this stuff... you can't help if you don't smoke" ...on and on it droned along the same theme... I heard it as I sat on the floor of the cop shop cradling my friend who had collapsed.... I heard it as I drove her home.... I heard it as we sat at the table and she chain smoked and we watched my daughter hold her daughter in her arms and rock themselves to sleep... I heard it as we realised her lovely, smiley, beautiful husband was not going to come through the door any minute and laugh at us for being so silly.... I heard it as I pried his half melted keys from her hand... and as I washed and dressed her hand where the jagged edges had dug in because she was squeezing them so tight... and as I waited for the girls to fall asleep and then put out her kids chrissy presents because she couldn't go into her bedroom.... as I drove home and got my kid's pressies from Santa and put them out at her house.... as I watched her four year old ask again and again when daddy was coming home... as I watched her throw her laptop across the room so she did have to read the filth and vitriol of internet heroes trashing her dead husbands name..... as I said goodbye and drove my daughter to her dads, then my dads, then back to her dad's..... as I missed my family christmas to drive to the airport to get her mum... and drove home with her mum chain smoking in the car re-living the night before the whole time.... holding my baby while she wailed at life being unfair and how could this happen and why her friends and then after she ignored me and looked it up on the internet why people were saying horrible things about him and then the day she really broke, the day someone told her he was still alive and banging on the window as the car burnt and she had watched the footage on the internet of the car burning....and the months of nightmares..... SJ begged and pleaded and wheedled... "go on have one, just one, you know you want it, you need it".... and every time I fought the urge because that was the only thing I could control.... then on the morning of my one month anniversary the phone rings.... my uncle overseas, the oldest, has fallen and hit his head and is a coma.... so I had to watch my dad contemplate the first of his siblings to die since he was an adult... and know he couldn't for health reasons fly over.... every phone call... he is getting better.... he is worse..... come now.... every call that awful, whiny voice was begging me to smoke... but I held out... one New Years Day when the phone rang and he was gone.... watching my dad shut down... watching his other siblings who couldn't go fall apart or turn into agro nutcases.... it was just too much... but I fought the urge... and I kept my quit. It was hard, it was a battle, and truthfully it was a close call. These were real craves, not just passing thoughts... these involved sweat and determination to beat.... because my brain had been programmed that when the shit hits the fan you have a smoke (or 3) and then deal.... but I had none... I sat surrounded by smokers and did not have one... I did not increase the number of NRT I was having... if anything I decreased it.... but it was hard and for 3 weeks it felt constant. But I was not going to cave because it was the one thing in a time of chaos I had control over. I think the whole second month of my quit was one big, long, agonising crave... constantly, all day, go on, go on, go on, go on, every waking moment and if you were around the first 5 months of my quit you knew there was a hell of a lot of waking moments... on average there were 20 of those in a day..... but I fought every single one of them and I don't even really know why.... wait yes I do... it was the only thing I could control. Then yesterday morning I get a phone call... and I just knew it was bad.... so my little cousin (35) had died of an overdose. I don't know yet if it was deliberate or accidental. But he didn't deserve to go out that way.... no one does... well maybe the real scum of the earth... but he gave back, he cared for his mum... drove over 3 hours each way every couple of days to check up on her or have dinner with her or make sure she was doing ok... he spent his weekends with her most of the time... he had been clean for years.... it just doesn't make sense.... but what did I do... I went about doing a load of washing and going to softball and cooking tea and chatting on here and doing a painting and going to sleep and going to a party and then I left the party and headed home and I lost it... bawled like a baby all the way home from the farm, I dunno how I even saw to drive my eyes were so red and swollen when I got home.... and the whole time my baby sat next to me and didn't know what to do.... she said the silent tears were the worst... but do you want to know what I didn't do? I did not fight a crave.... not one..... not once did I even get an inclining to have a smoke... not one smoking related thought at all.... HOW COULD THIS BE???????... earlier in the year I had faced a constant barrage.... like bullets from a machine gun those craves pummeled me... sure it was much earlier in my quit.... but nothing, not one single thought, whisper, suggestion for anything smoking or nicotine related. You see those of us who have been on the quit train for a while tell you rewards are important its all about re-wiring your brain and the nicotine receptors.... teaching your brain that smoking isn't how we reward ourselves or celebrate... in the same regards the reason the first year is so important is because we have to experience so many firsts without nicotine... season changes, holidays, stresses..... and we have to rewire our brains, rewire the triggers.... so why was there nothing this time.... its because the silver lining of the horror I ended and started this year with rewired every single receptor in my brain and trigger to do with dealing with death... all of them... so this time when the idea and concept of smoking and a nicotine fix didn't even exists... and so the silver lining of this horror is that I know how strong my quit is... I know I can face death and loss and not have to worry about facing my addiction at the same time because those receptors have all be erased and rewired to something else... a new inner strength, maybe? .... but I don't really care what it is because this is the final proof I needed that this time, this quit, this is the forever, sticky quit and while I'm only 11 months free.... I feel way beyond... whole, major sections of my brain don't even recognize nicotine's existence.... sure I'd rather still have my friend, and my uncle, and my cousin.... would probably even trade my quit for them to be here.... but giving up my quit wasn't going to bring them back or help me cope.... silver linings people... they are in any and every situation... mine in this instance are purely selfish.... but I would rather think that its the last gift these three amazing men gave me in their lifetimes... and I will treasure it always. So newbies, and lurkers.... and the in-betweenies.... sometimes the re-wiring hurts, it cuts a deep raw wound straight through the center of your being... but those nicotine receptors do get rewired... so its up to you... are you going to do the work to re-wire... it starts with the rewards... oh yay I went an hour without a smoke... I'm going to eat this lovely strawberry / candy / celery stick.... whatever... but do something... every hour.... every two hours...every 12.... every day.....every week.... every milestone you pass.... because regardless of what shit life throws at you there is a nicotine receptor in your brain waiting to exploit it.... and you need to take the control back and re-wire those. Because it can be done.... it is done.... every day by the members here who travel this train.... get rid of the smokes and the vapes and start re-wiring.... you have the power within you to totally change your life and your brain... how fricking amazing is that!
