Ramona

This terrifies me.

I can't do one. And I never believed I could. Maybe that has actually put me ahead of the game. If I'm in for one a day, I'm in for 15 a day. I don't WANT one. I want 15. How can you enjoy one? Doesn't make sense.

I know what you mean about letting that junkie in. Suddenly we're being tricked into these stressful emotions (fear, anxiety, rage, despair) and we need to figure out how to experience them. That's all. Just experience them - - - not DO anything for once. Just let them pass on through and feel them. Hopefully we can avoid interaction with others when these experiences happen. No need for victims. I know I haven't been good about this part and I'd really like to improve upon that. Evelyn, I stand in solidarity with you. I also suffer from a mental illness. I know it's hard for everyone but I truly believe it's harder for those of us with fairly severe mood disorders. Plus, being a young woman with our hormones in flux - it's not the easiest for us. I believe you can do this...I believe you will find the strength to feel proud of yourself again. You will rebuild and you will be stronger and smarter as a result of your recent failure. Believe it. <3

Welcome Back Tyme. It's nice to hear from you again.

Um Babs, I am kind of a big deal. ;)

So much good advice here. Didn't smoke. Sarge, you piss me off but you also motivate me (DESPITE OBNOXIOUS MOTTOS LIKE "EASY PEASY"). So "f-u" and "thank you" (leaning heavy on the former in this case). SunnySide - you're right...soon as I puff, I belong. I belong to AA again - I belong to the "**** you" crew - to the self-harm - to the "I-can-go-it-alone" mindset - - the nicotine, white-wash, hazy-smoke. Three cheers for death death death!!!!! la-la-la. By golly, gee willikers, smoking would make me AMERICAN again. In light of today's "Happy Genocidal Maniac Day" - - - - - - I'd rather not be nicotine's bitch. I'm a whitey but I'm not American (even if I live inside the lines). I got the curse of both parties any way. That being said, curse or no curse, I do here declare: if Bernie Sanders becomes our democratic candidate for president then I will break my 6 years sobriety and indulge in some cheap Canadian Whiskey. Figure I'll be uplifted by that. Marti - thanks for validation. We're taught to fear our feelings & expressions of despair. Repress at all costs. Of course we are. Power structures rely on repression. Welp. I howled through this day - HOWLED. This is not an exaggeration. I think tears are probably good for our complexions. After sitting through about 45 minutes of my howling despair, my 87 year old grandma said, "I don't cry. Is there something wrong with me?" That gave me a laugh. She never smoked a day in her life.

Indeed.

Yes. Much less insane, sensitive, touchy, extreme, and explosive.

What am I doing you ask? ~ individual therapy ~ healthy eating ~ group therapy ~ taking meds ~ daily exercise ~ praying I think that pretty much exhausts my options.

And nobody in life cares about anyone else's quit goals. Why would they? All they see is the newfound psycho-ness of the person who used to smoke. I'M TIRED OF CRYING AND FREAKING OUT.

I'm gonna smoke. I can't take this shit. I'm a ******* hysterical mess. So much more emotional than I've ever been. So sick of taking things personally. Want to re-thicken my skin...cloud over all this idiocy (including my own).

One week is magnificent. Keep ROCKIN' ON.

Evelyn...I'm sorry for your loss. Relapsing is a loss - - there will be grief and remorse. NO MATTER. Dust yourself off. Post all the time...anytime. You are important, you are worth it.

Yup.

Rowly, Can't thank you enough for posting this. I am a month short of 1 year and I'm craving hard right now as well! Peeling back more layers. Exhausted. WTF???? Also, over a week ago I had an all-night smoking dream. Look at these late-game attempts by the addiction! Ugh. Crazy stuff.

You gotta prove you can do this.

Did not entirely enjoy that jog. KNEES...ouchies.

I think I might just run in the rain.

I used to smoke before games while drinking out of my basketball water bottle. No one on my team would use my water bottles during practices or games!! Of course they wouldn't! Pretty gross.

My 10 year old niece decides she wants a kitten and of course Grandma (my Mom) obliges. Problem is - THE KID IS ONLY HERE ON THE WEEKENDS! I have this insane kitty following me all over the place. It's psycho!! FLIES through the air to latch onto my knees. Nibbles at my nostrils at night. Randomly licks my lips with its rough tongue. I've never had a kitten...everyone thinks they're so cute... well, they're A LOT OF WORK AND THEY NEED A LOT OF ATTENTION. Thankfully, I finally devised an effective decoy. I tied a scarf to the ceiling fan - tied some floss to the scarf. Then turned the fan on. Kitty has been busy for almost a half hour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank f-ing god. Most of the time I can't type anything on this laptop - - he just wants to attack. Help me.

Your picture makes my mouth water. After 2 months of NON STOP baking I have finally calmed a bit. It was gettin' real crazy there for awhile - literally had swamped all markets. Hard to unload/unleash my product. :)

Kudos for separating yourself from a toxic situation - HARDER than it seems it would be. Very courageous and inspiring to others facing similar situations. Change can be glorious - you may finally be able to differentiate between "what's yours" and "what's his." You may really like yours!!! Keep on truckin!

I YAM IF I SAY I YAM. (insert sweet potato)

8 is GREAAAAAT!

!!!SONIC!!! Nicely done. I'll be comin' along to join you soon. You rock. Hope you treat yo-self to something sweet.