Oneistoo

Another strong NOPE. :)

Btw, I highly recommend watching the silent movies with the sound turned off! Most often, totally inappropriate soundtracks have been added to the films.

You know what....I thought some more about what I wrote here, which was pretty esoteric and perhaps not very useful. I think I'll (in general) start using my learnings from my alcohol quit which has lasted for ten easy years (and I was a pretty hardcore case, like I am with cigarettes). For the first several years, I said to myself that perhaps when I am in my eighties or something, I'd on occasion have a glass of very fine sherry. In other words, I never fully closed the door on drinking, which also meant that I would never fail since I had just moved my next drinking moment way into the future. I held that thought for several years, and in many ways it was a comforting thought. Somewhere, perhaps after five years sober perhaps, something interesting happened.....I started thinking that I would DEFINITELY NOT want to drink a glass of sherry when I am in my eighties, phewee.....why would I want to drink a substance that can kill you just as surely as cigarettes can? I had totally lost my interest in alcohol and the thought of drinking it, now or later, seemed and still seems absurd to me. So now I'm saying to myself that I'm not smoking right now, but perhaps when I'm in my eighties I'll whip out an elegant Benson & Hedges and a gold lighter once in a long while and smoke it (my grandmother used to do that, for social-fashion effect). Thus, I'm not never-ever-ever not smoking again, it's just now I'm not smoking. As I'm writing this, I can feel how it takes a lot of pressure off me, psychologically. I'll let you know in five year's time whether it worked in the same way as the alcohol quit for good. I hope this helps....

I'm a fan of old and very old Hollywood movies. I have a playlist on Youtube with 137 movies (and counting). If anyone is interested, here it is: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL_UJI0LI4NiZWwgxaRUbsFkyEWQCCJI48

Hello in your journal, Marti! :) Way to go on your oracle cards! And congratulations. Fear is really what underlies all of the negative stuff, including our addictions. Rooting out the cigarettes from your life doesn't get rid of the underlying fear, and often it just moves on to something else, such as suddenly beginning to believe that you can't stay quit long-term. Or some other opportune manifestation of fear, like fear of being hit by a car, or fear that that mole on your left thigh is cancer, or fear that your future will be grim. I think you have enough love for yourself to never again smoke a cigarette. And I think your love and respect for yourself will grow with each day as it has been growing since the day you stopped smoking. And I think that slowly this love will remove your underlying fear so that manifestations of it are no longer necessary. Love, respect and compassion kill fear. <3

That's exactly what's so powerful about an online forum. And it's why I joined QT, because I can't do this alone. My higher power in this case is all you guys on QuitTrain and the forum itself. Smoking is inherently solitary, even when you are together with other smokers. It's a constant negotiation with your body and your mind, and that can only be a solitary act. That's perhaps why it takes a crowd (or a higher power) to really get you to stay quit long-term, because it breaks the solitary act. Ok, so I bought candy tonight and ate it. It won't become something I do very often....or at all. I'm normally very nutrition focused, I've been a vegan for a year and a half (was vegetarian before that), and I know how to make my own sugar-free and healthy candy. There's absolutely no reason for crappy eating just because I've quit cigarettes for good. :)

I think I've done all of the above, unfortunately. What really disturbs me, though, is that because I smoked I cannot be sure that this wasn't what killed my two dogs, who both died of cancer. We moved quite a bit during their lifetime, and there were some years where I smoked like a fiend in the same room they were in. They were Labradors, and died at almost 13yo and 12yo....which is a relatively high age for Labs, but still.....

Wise words, Marti. There! I just swatted away an irrational thought about the unfairness of it all, of addiction, of the many years of real me it has robbed me of. Thinking those kinds of thoughts will get me nowhere, or, irony of ironies, might even make me slip and start smoking again! I think it's best if no deep philosophical thoughts are thought until I'm waaaay further into my non-smoking life. I think it's perhaps better to insist on just "being" until I feel stronger.

Oho, I just discovered this! Count me in! Today, because I'm feeling fluish from detoxing, I'm just going to borrow a dog for a long and brisk walk around the lake. Otherwise my goal is to get my ass into the nearby and excellent gym of which I am a member - DAILY. When I'm there, I run on the treadmill and use the countless weight machines. I kind of got sidetracked since Christmas, so I need to get back into it. It's a surefire tactic for getting into a good mood. Funny thing: After a workout, which usually gives me with wonderful endorphins and whatnot, a couple of hours later when the endorphine level has dropped, I feel a craving to go straight back to the gym!

I think that's the task for us here on Earth, to learn to be able to do this. Because that real you is free of all fear and its manifestations of ego, negativity, jealousy, hate, etc. It means that you can perform optimally in all situations. And have fun. This is what I will be working towards to my dying breath. Anyway, deep breathing with a focus on the breath is a form of meditation. The focus on the breath makes the hijacking thoughts unable to take hold. There are many ways to meditate. :)

Yay, it's four in the afternoon in my timezone, and I'm doing relatively well. It helped my flu-symptoms that I drank a couple of cups of strong coffee. Coffee is another addicition of mine, but one that I can more easily control. Eventually I think I want that one gone, too. Why? Because when I have taken long breaks in drinking coffee it takes only one cup to make me start drinking it addictively again. And then when I quit it, I get mammoth headaches for several days. Sugar is ditto. I had been almost candy free for an entire year, and Christmas Eve I ate a traditional dish of candied potatoes and ate some dessert chocolates afterward.....and for the next three weeks I had frequent cravings to buy sugary foodstuff and candy! I really, really hate the feeling of my brain getting hijacked by cravings, nomatter what their origin. It is incredibly unproductive and taxing brain activity. Oh, to live one's life free..... :)

Thanks, Dancing Queen! :) I did check it out on Amazon, but I have so much knowledge already about cognitive psychology (believe it or not, one of my degrees is as a addiction counselor). I think it's literally a question of me 1. realizing that anything I feel is likely to be distorted and amplified by the withdrawal, and 2. seeing what bubbles up as instructive not destructive, 3, Just going through it, it won't kill me (I think part of the reason I would quit my quits in the past was pure laziness), 4. use my by now excellent meditation skills in the process, as meditation puts me in a place where negativity somehow loses its sting and becomes insignificant.....this is actually a really good exercise, this cigarette quit, in incorporating meditation more into my daily life. My aim is to live meditatively, which means that I am crystal clear in my head at all times and completely aware and tuned in, yet *I* select what gets attention in my brain. I've been working on getting better at this for the past two years, only cigarettes have been in my way because they produce this fogginess in my head (I don't know if they do this to everybody or only some people). It's a great way to live, because you are not hijacked by whatever reactive egoic or addictive aspects you may have inside you, instead, you are able to let the "real you" live your life in a much lighter, happier and fulfilled way. Quitting smoking is the last, big hurdle. :)

Quitter's flu, how apt! Thanks! I've had it many, many times as I have attempted to quit, and now I have a name for it. So in my little head I have to change my mindset from "God, not AGAIN, I've wasted so much of my time feeling like this!" and combine your thought with MarylandQuitter's thought about this being the FINAL TIME. There's another thing that happens when I quit (and, this being my FINAL QUIT, I may likely experience it again): all sorts of skeletons in my closet start to rattle. All of the mistakes (imagined or real) I have made in my life somehow bubble up in my mind, and are made to take on gigantic proportions. Many times this has been where I have opted for self-medicating with cigarettes again because smoking seems to make the negative thoughts go away. Not this time, though! I'm just going to go through it. :)

I'm feeling flu-ish, a classic withdrawal symptom. But I broke this mornings Groundhog Day routine, yay. I'm feeling too flu-ish and it's too windy and rainy for me to go to the gym right of the bat, which is another goal of mine. I'm also feeling that borderline crazy-feeling that I know from earlier quits. It seems to be a mixture of angry irritation and an inability to think clearly. It must be coming from the chemical withdrawal of something other than nicotine as I'm still using replacement. Ah, well. One minute at a time.

NOPE. It's just not worth it.

Thanks, MarylandQuitter! I found the personal blog space but I like writing here so much better. The blog space seems isolated from the main boards because of the different format. I hope nobody minds me doing this....and yes, I do feel a bit like I'm standing in the middle of the dance floor, wearing the wrong dress by doing it, but that just makes me more accountable, if that makes any sense. Yes. That's very succinct. The fog that my addiction causes in my brain makes it hard for me to see reality. And super thanks for the Joel clips! It's great that they are in my journals so I can go back and watch them if my resolve weakens. :)

I changed the title of this thread so I can use it as my quit journal. Maybe there's a journal place here, but I haven't found one yet. Hmm....that ticker thing spreads out the cigarettes over a 24hr period, so it seems low. I could easily smoke 11 cigarettes in less than two hours. I think my recent cigarette use must have been higher than a pack a day. I've eaten a ton of healthy foods and beaten down a craving for straight candy (which I don't have at my home), but I'd say that I'm jonesing right now even with the NRT (I think it's called NRT). It's after midnight, so I'm not going to start to do anything majorly distracting....I'll just let it pass through me.

I'm going to save this one for future fortification:

I just love this one! The absurdity of it...... and thanks for the toolbox tips!

I have a question: There's a "Like this" button for replies to my original post. Is it customary to use it here? I mean, I really would hate to get into a "like" / showing-dislike-by-not-"liking" judgmental kind of extravaganza. So for me, the option is to either "like" all messages to me, or alternatively not "like" any messages. And yes, I don't want to hurt/displease/anger/upset anybody who has taken the time to respond to a post from me. Boy, I can see from my writing that it's been some hours since my last cigarette, LOL! :)

DevilDoll, I'm not entirely sure what you mean about "toolbox"?

Devildoll, thanks!!! Yes, that's the one. :) I'm going to copy it here so it won't disappear on me again. I have this theory that the clogged receptors are causing my brain to feel foggy. I meditate, and smoking (all psychotropic agents, really, including sugar and caffeine) affect the ability to reach point consciousness.

Thanks, guys, for the welcomes. And yes, I was being sarcastic when I said that I aborted my intended quit because it was raining.....because of the absurdity of it all. Anyway, I have some nasty sublingual nicotine pellets that can take the worst of the initial cravings. They're not like the lozenges, which I could eat like candy, they're distinctly unpleasant, so I'm motivated to quit them asap. For a while I have felt that smoking somehow clouded up my brain. I saw a post here somewhere when I checked out the forum before becoming a member; it had three brain scans in it (in blue, I believe) that showed what happens to the brain when you smoke. I thought it perfectly illustrated how my brain feels when I smoke. Does anybody have a link to that post? I'd love to see it again.

I pledge that I will not smoke for the rest of the day!

Hello, and thank you for letting me become a member of QuitTrain. :) Despite what my ticker says, I haven't quite quit yet. I was all set to start this morning, but then it RAINED. I woke up to heavy rain, so my plan to go to the gym first thing in the morning was kaput. (Yet I managed to brave the rain to go get cigarettes - of course). I'm very addicted to cigarettes, to put it very mildly. Over the years I have quit many times, and for various periods, but I seem to end up smoking again. My triggers are deadlines, real or imagined. Then I fuel up with coffee and cigarettes and enter a different dimension altogether. It used to be fun, but now I'm really tired of it. I'm tired of the money I endlessly spend on cigarettes. I'm tired of trudging down to buy cigarettes at all times of the day and night. And yes, I know about the dangers to my health. I quit self-medicational drinking more than ten years ago via a quit drinking website, so I know the power of online support forums. I know how it can help to have a community of like-minded online friends who rally to your side when you are having difficulties. I look forward to meeting you all, and helping as much as I can. I'm ready to quit again. :)