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Aine

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  1. Aine
    http://www.ffn.yuku.com/topic/13884
    DAYS I JUST WANTED TO DIE
    from: Melissa
     
    I was laying in bed this am thinking about life in general.
    I do that a lot now because there is no rush to get up and get a fix.
     
    I thought about a lot of things and just before I got up it dawned on me that smoking was not one of my first thoughts as a matter of fact it only came to mind when I was thinking about all the really bad stuff I have been through in life.
     
    There were days early in my quit that I just wanted to die.
    Death seemed a better option then what I was feeling trying to quit.
     
    I remember being on the bathroom floor crying so hard I was gagging (smoking realted) I never gag anymore.
    Why the Bathroom floor you may ask, I have no earthly idea.
     
    I mean it could have just as easily been the bed or a chair, but I was just losing it and nothing I did or said was making much sense.
     
    My husband got on his knees and said "what can I do to help"? I used words he was not accustomed to hearing from me and told him I needed to smoke and that I couldn't do it.
    I repeated over and over "I just cannot do this".
    I didn't realize until much later that while I was saying I just cannot do this... I was doing it! I was getting through what ever life threw my way.
    It wasn't necessarily the best way I can think of to handle emotions, but I was new to it at the time and did the best I could.
     
    I was new to not smoking when things got hard and putting aside what ever the problem was until I smoked two or three.
     
    Simple everyday life things came at me when I first quit and I felt overwhelmed. I mean my car needed work and they actually wanted me to wait while they fixed it! I couldn't see doing that ...didn't they know I couldn't smoke while I waited? that I didn't know how to wait and not smoke?
    It felt like the world would end that day.
     
    It didn't though, I got something to drink and looked around at things I didn't notice much before like the beauty of the sky, the trees flowing in the wind, Flowers in bloom, birds
    chirping. I guess that was all clouded before by all that smoke I so blindly sat in thinking I had it all together.
     
    I look back on all of it and there were 100's of times I said
    "I cannot do this"
    100's of times I said"I am just going to smoke this too hard"
    100's of times I said this isn't the right time and got in my car to go buy a pack.
    AND 100's of times I got through each temptation each so called crave some I really believe were just thoughts.
    100's of times I got out of the car realizing that smoking was not the answer and that I already had everything I needed inside me to deal with life and in my house in my husband and children.
     
    I hated the fact hat I had even tried to quit because now people expected me not to smoke.
    They looked forward to a healthier me.
    My logic was if I had not tried to quit I could still smoke with out letting anyone down. I hated my own Quit I hated that I had ever tried to quit at all! I believed I was in prison and smokers were free.
     
    I began to think dying from lung cancer would be better then feeling as bad a s I was. How utterly stupid! SO Pathetic!
    I am embarrassed to say I thought that way.
    That thinking now makes me laugh and cringe too, I cannot believe I thought that way and actually tried to make logical arguments out of junkie thinking. I actually got mad when anyone said my arguments made no sense.
    I no longer have those kinds of thoughts at all.
     
    I resented people in my life enjoying anything. I would see my husband sit down and act like he enjoyed drinking his coffee and I would just steam inside, because I didn't feel I had anything left to enjoy. He Wanted me to stay quit, but he could sit there doing all the same things he had always done while I had top relearn everything.
    I just resented it, because at the time there was nothing I enjoyed I even hated eating because I didn't know what to do with myself after I was done.
    Now I just feel full like everyone else when I am done eating and I am not looking for anything else to do.
    The act of eating for me now is complete when the meal is done. seems simple enough and the way it was always meant to be.
     
    I hated waking up because it meant doing things different then I could ever remember doing. I actually ate breakfast instead of smoking for my morning meal.
    I hated soda because I associated that with smoking.
     
    It seemed all the things that once made me happy I now disliked. I hurt inside daily for a while like someone had died... I mean down to my soul deep, deep, pain. I had no clue who I was now or how to live my life.
    I mean I cried! For Me crying was rare.
    It took something like death or serious illness of a loved one to make me shed a tear before.
    I was not a sensitive type of female at all.
    Here I was now crying if someone looked at me wrong.
    I felt silly too, I felt like I must look funny doing this instead of smoking. I thought smoking made me look cool like I was deep in thought even when I wasn't.
    I thought it masked pain so I just appeared unshaken to whom ever was around.
     
    I found out later that most of family saw me as not very strong at all because I needed that crutch to deal with everything even shopping. I also found out that my pain was never masked they saw right through it all.
     
    I was never this cool tuff girl I had created in my own head to them just and addict who smoked to deal with life and they saw long before I did that it never solved anything.
     
    It was horrible at times and really hard to do, the hardest thing I have ever done in fact. At the same time it is by far one of the biggest, best, and most important accoplishments in my life.
     
    I love soda, and all other foods probably to much now,
    more than I ever did smoking. I am no longer resentful toward other people because they are enjoying things in life, because I am enjoying those things with them.
     
    Waking up is only hard for me now when I didn't get enough sleep. I do not wake up feeling like anything is missing.
     
    I am no longer plagued with thoughts of smoking, not smoking, how hard it is or isn't, anything else smoking related.
    II think my days are just normal days now.
     
    I get through my day and smoking doesn't cross my mind.
    Neither does the fact that I am not smoking.
    I just live life the same way everyone else does.
     
    I am not saying that smoking or the fact that I used to do it doesn't enter my mind. I wouldn't be here today if it didn't.
    But it crosses my mind in a very different way now.
    I want others to know it can be done no matter how hard and impossible it seems at first. I think about all the help I got here and want to give back. I have regrets now, but it is not that I quit.. It is that I ever started.
    I also hope I didn't do irreversible damage.
    those are my thoughts now.
     
    I know I never needed it. I know life is livable, enjoyable, and doable without them. My life is better! I am serious.
    I am not just saying that, it is real.
    Just how much better I feel physically alone is worth every minute I suffered in the beginning. Not to mention all the other benifits. If you stick it out, you will be here listing all the ways your life has improved just hoping someone will believe what you say so that they also stick it out.
     
    I could have given in, but had I done that, I would never know the comfort I know now, the health, the happiness and the peace. There is an elation that comes with no longer being a prisoner to something that is killing you.
    If I had given in I would still be smoking my life away believing freedom is unobtainable and continuing to poison myself until early death came my way.
     
    Stick it out! It gets better! As bad as it gets trying to quit, being terminally ill would be much worse.
    Tobacco companies have had enough of your money, they are filthy rich while they rob you of not only your money but your health and ultimately your life.
    Use your lungs for breathing air the way they were meant to be used and watch and see how much better life will get.
     
    Smoking is something I no longer choose to do. It no longer has a hold on me. I am no longer it's prisoner.
    I am not consumed by thoughts of it.
    I believed what was said here "IT GETS BETTER" I hung on to those words, fought through it, and you know what they were right.
    So much better! It is only better because I stuck it out and never took another puff!
    Days of just wanting to die are now over I have peace and want to live a long life and watch my kid grow.
    I hope this helps anyone here struggling.
    I was blessed enough with the People here helping see light in total darkness and lies in my head and I just want to help where I can now that I am in the light of truth.
    Melissa nine months free tomorrow
  2. Aine

    Sigh. . .

    By Aine,

    I've been using a vape pen for about 4 months now; 0 nicotine, but I was so damned restless in the evenings I thought I'd explode. Still no nicotine, but I've grown unhappy again with a dependency on the vaping. Not like my addiction to nicotine and cigarettes, but still. . .
     
    So, think it's time to stop this dependency, too. Guess I'll pick up some straws today. Something to chew on, or something. I tire me out.
     
    My attempt at "urban gardening" is helping some of the restlessness now, though; nice weather! It is surely not comparable to the farm, but, still. . .
  3. Aine

    Day 11

    By Aine,

    Well, the topic title says it all for me. It's day 11, and I'm not going to smoke today.
     
    Rainy day here, and first cup of coffee after 8 hours of solid sleep. This is still such a rarity for me I can't get over it. I'd look at people who could go to bed at 10 pm and sleep all night with awe and amazement. Maybe my sleep patterns will revert back eventually, but I sure like this part of being a non smoker. No brain fog to wade through, no bruises on my shoulders from stumbling into those door frames that seemed to move at night. lol!
     
    My words for the day:
     
    Perseverance
     
    Vigilance.
     
    Everyone enjoy the day, or night, depending on the time frame.
  4. Aine

    SOS 27 February 2014

    By Aine,

    The YMCA is next door to where I work, so it's lunchtime; I'll walk over and see how much the monthly fee is. My head is telling me not to spend the money because I'm going to fail. But, that doesn't have to be true. I haven't died yet from not smoking. That's all I can think about--not a thing else is in my head. Except how my body is being pulled, like gravity, to a certain direction.
  5. Aine
    10 days? I think, anyway. Off and on all day just want to smoke so bad. As I write this, it occurred to me that the two occasions I have tried to quit in the past I made it to 10 days. Hmm. Just really want to not do this anymore. Found myself walking closer to someone that was smoking today. Geez. Eyes catching the cigarette butts wondering if they were long enough. Just sad, sad, sad. lol.
     
    Gonna go walk. With ice water.
     
     
    Frank, on 07 Mar 2014 - 3:01 PM, said:
     
    Not yet. But I remembered that I like bacon cheese burgers and I HATE CARROTS AND CELERY STICKSS!!!
    \
    So I am going for some grease and then home to hubby who is a non smoker in my non smoking house and I'll just be my usual mellow non smoking self.
     
    Got to feel sorry for my family some times. lol.
     
    I am not smoking today.
     
    I will not punish others for doing something good for myself. (that makes sense to me, maybe no one else)!
     
    Thank you, thank you for being here.
  6. Aine

    Day 8

    By Aine,

    Finally found out why everyone says cut your caffeine intake in half. . .lol! So not so much sleep last night, but my own fault. At least one rooster was awake before me this morning. Driving to work was not too bad as far as triggers. I have had to do new stuff with the driving. I am not hauling out the thermos of coffee plus my cigs and lighter in preparation for the 30 minute drive to work. Turns out I really only wanted the coffee in order to help the cigarettes taste better. I don't know if anyone else did this, but I always had to have something like coffee or sprite or juice with me. It was to cut the furry mouth enough to actually taste the smoke. It feels weird to not HAVE to brush my teeth as much as I used to; my mouth just doesn't taste as nasty. Small stuff I'm noticing when I can .
     
    A lot of the brain fog is gone today. Wasn't as productive as I usually am but I wasn't staring blankly ahead of me with sunflower seeds dropping mindlessly out of the corner of my mouth,,,
     
    I am starting to see a glimmer (not glitter--nobody get too excited) of hope that someday I can see the world differently, not trapped in my life by nicotine. I could go on that train to Alaska this year. I didn't last year because I couldn't smoke. What will that be like, not jittering all the time thinking about the next smoke too tense to pay attention to anything?
     
    Another day I didn't smoke. No matter what.
  8. Aine

    Day 7

    By Aine,

    Again, with the chickens. . .7 straight hours of sleep, and the new litter box seems to be controlling the neurotic cat's need to scratch through to the next room. So, cat still lives. There seems to be the occasional discussion here on the Quit Smoking board over the attributes of cats vs. dogs. Observation this morning was that, while cats play with their poop, dogs eat cat poop. I don't know what that means, however. lol.
     
    Was pretty anxious and restless for much of the day. Finally went horizontal for an hour, got up and started scraping 6 inches of melting snow and ice off of the patio.Could have waited for it to melt, but what the heck. And. . . I mostly didn't think about smoking. Let's see. Vacuuming, scraping snow. Geez. Sad, sad.
     
    New ritual for after eating; chew wintergreen gum. That's my gum time. I've never cared for gum, but I seem to be doing a lot of things I've never cared for. Like, vegetables. Had a short panic attack; out of hummis. I'm that secure though that. . .I got out the yogurt dill crap and I'll make do until I get to the store tomorrow. hehheeh!
     
    This evening was better. Not smoking was at the back of the brain rather than the forefront for an hour or two. Greatful for a bit of peace. Or, not so much argh. No glitter yet. . .
     
    But, I didn't smoke today. And that is freedom.
     
    Thanks, guys.
     
     
    Got some work done yesterday. Then, left work early went to gym and pedaled on the stupid bike, not reading my book cause I couldn't concentrate. Then, went and swam a bit in the pool. That helped; relaxing and my head shut up for a bit.
     
    Went to a movie with my son last night, then out to supper. This is an unusual thing, but we both enjoyed it, I think. Personally, I couldn't bear the thought of sitting at home and listening to my head without some distraction. Had a "pang" half way through; not physical, just a trigger. had to pee, but looked longingly outside and then went back to movie. Demolished popcorn and chocolate covered raisins. My favorite all time candy. Got better.
     
    Supper was ok. Uncomfortable, and badly wanted to go over to the smoking section and just "sniff." But didn't.
     
    So, here's what I know intellectually:
     
    I am a recovering junkie, with 23 years clean off of mood and mind altering substances, including alcohol. But not nicotine. Don't go there.
     
    I feel lousy, emotionally. Most of my head is taken up with NOT SMOKING. I don't know how to do this. Live life without my nicotine. A drug. Yes, indeedy.
    I don't know other people who SNIFF the smokers except people who might have a wee problem not smoking.
     
    I know that, when I was getting clean 20 years ago, I felt like. . .
     
    this.
     
    I know that life got WAY better fairly quickly, and I stopped Jonesing within a few months and I learned how to live life differently. And, boy, has it been good!
     
    So, my little smoking monkey is telling me
     
    1. you'll never feel better. You're different from these people. These bright and shiny sparkly people. So what's the f$$$$$$ point?
    2. you can't do this. . .
    3. you don't have any serious health problems. . .what's the big deal?
     
     
    So, I'm not a yippee, what a fantastic day it is not smoking! kinda gal.
    I'm not smoking today. F%%% it.
     
    The above 3 items are not true. not true. not true.,
     
    I WILL feel better. It just may not happen today. Or tomorrow. But eventually, it has to happen, because that's how it works.
    I CAN do this. I quit dope. It was harrrrd. So is this. But I did. And I did that like this; with the help of shiny sparkly people who I thought were deranged and/or lying. lol.
    And, I do have health problems. Not serious? Don't know. But that chronic cough, subdued emotional responses, numb feet, constant ticking clock in my body "wanna smoke, wanna smoke, waNNA SMOKE!" and a pulse of 96 is not symptomatic of a normal healthy person. So I can wait for the heartattack, the doctor telling me "emphysema", and then go through this again? Maybe. Maybe I won't attempt to quit again, denial too strong.
    And, how easy is it to once again attempt to kill myself because of terminal uniqueness? All of you guys have been here. Perhaps I can let go of enough negativity to listen, just one more day.
     
     
    Hey, Itsdianah?
     
    Mantra for the day: "I'm not f#$%#ing going anywhere."
     
    Sorry for the symbols; the anger seems to be, uh, back.
     
    rofl!
  9. Aine

    Day 6

    By Aine,

    04 March 2014 - 06:57 AM
     
    Still here. My lifetime insomnia seems to be missing right now. Happy about that. Fell into bed at 10 pm last night and I am again waiting for the chickens to wake. Less twitchy this morning than yesterday and I am going back to work today after 3 long snow days at home. Looking forward to it cause this sitting around is tedious. Eating all these veggies and hummus stalled off any weight gain so far. This is one of my BIG fears with quitting. I am willing to accept some temporary damage but eating veggies is at least killing the other junkie thoughts that beat at me.irrational, I know, but not willing to give myself that "pass" to gain 50 pounds that will make me Feel so bad that I'll smoke anyway. Breathing better. Eh
     
    Was reading about stages of grief in the newbie reading and connection with smoking. I have smoked since I was 13, and so recovering from this has left a big hole in my life. Better that, though, than in my lung! Denial...bargaining...anger...depression...acceptance.
     
    Gotta stay focused om moving through rather than getting stuck and listening to my head
     
    It is hard to care about myself and be "positive". Today though I am going to work on believing that it is ok to be a non smoker.
     
    Thanks all for being here...
  10. Aine

    Day 5 March 3rd

    By Aine,

    Sleeping on the couch for the last few nights. Twitchy and restless. Our neurotic cat, Greta, or "Fatty" as the rest of the family affectionately calls her, began the hour long ritual of scratching in the litter box. Hour. A very long time.
     
    So, I didn't throw her against the wall. I just visualized. So, staring out the dark window waiting for the roosters to start crowing. Literally. We have chickens and they are still asleep. Stupid cat.
     
    My coffee tastes good. Better than usual. However, I think I need to clean the water container I keep in the fridge. Or, our well water has always tasted this bad?
     
    Sunflower seeds everywhere! Food craving started last night. Polished off the rest of my vegetable plate and my hummus is almost gone,hehheeh! But managed not to tear into that peanut butter jar. Lol
     
    Teeth feel different. Weird.
     
    That's all I got. I will not smoke today. Just for today.
     
    Yesterday wasn't really great. But it didn't suck as bad as day 4. I was nervous and twitchy, but only about 5 or 6 short little craving spells. I am truly little miss sunshine here. Sigh. Ice storm is over, and may even be able to go for a walk today. Thanks all of you for being here. I really couldn't do this alone.
  11. Aine

    Day 4

    By Aine,

    This is hard. It aint "easy peazy." And I confess to feelings of shame and guilt because I'm not peeing pink sparkly balloons. I'll just keep reading and keep not smoking.
     
    Years ago I sold plasma in order to get money. You have to have a blood pressure with a top number over 100, so I would tell the nurse, "wait a minute." I'd think about my guaranteed student loans from college, and then I'd tell here, "take it now." Everytime, I was able to get it up to over 100. hehahhahe!
     
    So, forced myself to eat a yogurt this morning. Drank some water, bit of juice. So NOT hungry. I eat at night around 10 pm, that's when the hunger hits. And, I'm an insomniac. If nicotine does work with the blood sugar to the extent that the readings say it does, then making sure I eat something at the times I am supposed to; breakfast, lunch, etc. is helping me with not feeling so dizzy and lightheaded as I remember my last quit being. And, I've been asleep by midnight for the last 3 nights (my usual bedtime is around 2 am). I'm waking up with 7-8 hours sleep. (Usually 5-6 hours). So, the part that interests me most here is the
     
    sugar and food craving.
     
    Hopefully, keeping my blood sugars at a normal level with food and juice during the day, instead of just not eating for 10 hours (as I have done before I quit smoking) will help minimize the cravings I experienced in the last quit. But, either way,
    I'm not smoking today.
     
     
    Cold turkey quit; I've smoked 3 packs plus for forty years, with a history of obsessive compulsive addictions to just about everything. So, nicotine and coffee are/were my two last remaining "pleasures," and I absolutely refused to give them up. I'm hanging on to my coffee. Forget that; but, smoking has become more difficult these last few years. Not imposssible; I seem to be able to ignore my son's health and well being when I smoke in the house. After a few uncomfortable and inconvenient days going to the porch to smoke, I end up back in the house anyway. And, hey, the studies are still out on passive smoke, right? At work, I go outside every hour or so and smoke. I'm one of 3? remaining people that actually smoke, so I'm usually by myself. 10 years ago it was still "sociable" as I hung out with other smokers. Not so much now. And, this winter, it was a cold one. 2 degrees below and I'm huddled outside smoking. Not looking like such a sociable habit. Doesn't matter. I've always know my "habit" was more than just a habit. But, I've never stopped anything until it got too painful AND I managed to fall into a karmic "window" for just a moment to see how truly bad it was. I got the window, about 45 seconds worth, 4 days ago. Put my emotions and head on "freeze" and zombied my way around the house tossing the cigarettes, ashtrays, etc. away. Then, argh. WTF did I just DO????
     
    How much more painful does it have to get before I "stop"?
     
    Raff, my son, myself and my husband were all sick with cold and a bad flu in January. Raff's cold just lingered; coughing at night. Usually that was me, with bouts of bronchitis every year and the chronic cough that came from the bronchitis. Not the smoking, no.
     
    So, I began smoking outside. When I'm inside, my body is uncomfortable, taking drags off the vape pen, still unsatisfied. Out to the porch; smoke a quick one. Shoot, smoke another. I just want to finish it because I'm cold and it's not tasting great anyway.
     
    Back inside. Clock is ticking until 9 pm. Raff is in bed and I shut his door and. . . .I smoke. God, do I smoke.
     
    Next morning, same thing. same go%%%%%%am thing.
    And again.
     
    6 months ago started the vaping. Figured if I could break the behavior, then I could just vape and not smoke. I'm a recovering junkie; how did I miss that one??
    Yeah, that worked as well as trying to smoke dope instead of boozing.lol!
     
    Ok. No nicotine. A drug is a drug, and I guess it's time to acknowledge that one. But, if I do that, I KNOW what that means.
     
    Alright, delete the last overly dramatic bit. All It means is I am not going to smoke today.
     
    And, today I am not killing my son, and, though I don't care about this yet, I am not killing me.
     
    My lungs are clear. I don't care yet, but they are.
    I'm not on the porch, and today it is 21 degrees outside. Ok. I like this one. I'm really kind of comfy on the couch here. I'm bored to tears, but need to finish grading some tests. Then, I may attempt to get past this blah and see if my son wants to play. lol! It's snowing outside and he's so bored he's rearranged his clothes in his drawers. Weird. . . .. .
     
    Waiting. . .
  12. Aine

    Day 3

    By Aine,

    My blood pressure is about 96/58 pre quit and now is a couple points. Lower at 94 or something yesterday and pulse rose in the last 3 years from the normal of 68 or so to about 96 average, knew that wasn't good. Blood sugar needs stabilized during the first couple of months from what I've read and I am doing what they told me to do here--drink juice regularly throuout the day. Only one dizzy spell really. Important to drink water too. Taking care of the physical needs right now is something I am not very good at, it's actually a good distraction from the cravings etc
     
    I did enjoy some of the drugs, and, I did receive pleasure from nicotine. That is what a drug does! What I am trying to really know today about the cigarettes is that the satisfaction I got from the nicotine was the rush of relieving that particular withdrawal. I wouldn't have gotten the satisfaction otherwise. Boy, this seems simple to write. How come I am still just not really believing it? Sigh. Maybe tomorrow.My blood pressure is about 96/58 pre quit and now is a couple points. Lower at 94 or something yesterday and pulse rose in the last 3 years from the normal of 68 or so to about 96 average, knew that wasn't good. Blood sugar needs stabilized during the first couple of months from what I've read and I am doing what they told me to do here--drink juice regularly throuout the day. Only one dizzy spell really. Important to drink water too. Taking care of the physical needs right now is something I am not very good at, it's actually a good distraction from the cravings etc
     
    Day three for me, lace. Today was better than yesterday. Cravings not so strong and I am finding out what helps when they hit. Being here on the board and reading Carrs book on quitting is helping. Doing something rather than just sitting when the craving hits. I get the kitchen timer and set it to 5 minutes so that I know that there is an end to the craving. Feels like forever but I know it will end. I eat veggie and dip till my jaw was sore yesterday. Finally I was tired enough to go to bed by midnight. Hang in there. I have always quit too soon . IM determined to get to the other side of this this time . I'll send you Carrs book. You seem like you are sick and tired of the circus, too. Don't quit quitting yet!
  13. Aine

    Aine 66 hours

    By Aine,

    But who's counting, right?
     
    Woke up at 5:30 am, filled with energy, some ability to focus, and no coughing up my lungs. I absolutely hate it. Why would I want to be up this early? I,m bored and restless and my addiction is saying
     
    Don't tell your mother you quit. You won't be so embarrassed when you smoke again.
    It doesn't matter that you lost a pound yesterday. You know you're going to gain at least 30 pounds.
    I don't want to live another 20 years.
     
    So....
     
    I am obviously insane because those 3 statements DO NOT COMPUTE
     
    Let me say that I am not a health nut. I do not like vegetables and fruit. Breakfast for 40 years has been 12 cigarettes and 2 cups of strong coffee. And please leave me alone for an hour thank you
     
    Yesterday I went to the store and blew some money because it was so much less than what I would have spent still smoking. I picked up a lot of vegetables that look good. Mushrooms red peppers some carrots.
    And, ta duh! Hummus. Another illogical statement-healthy and tastes good. I was chewing solid yesterday. Never stopped until last evening. Then I walked. Just feel empty. I am hanging onto the fact that not all of you can be lying about it getting better. So, today i will not smoke.
     
    I visit my mother on Saturday's. She prays. For me. All the time. I am not religious or a "believer" . Today May or may not suck. There. That's my opptomistic side trying to creep out! Thank you guys for listentening to my whining ....
     
    Argh, Cleaning up the closet after 40 years of smoking paraphnelia. Emptying purses checking pockets etc. a full pack of cig slept at me. Thought my heart would burst . They are now floating in the goldfish pond. They could be dried out. . .
    Just kidding.
    Not really
    Same thing I did at 14 when I ran out. Dug butts out of trash can dried the tobacco and rerolled a cig in the "c"s of my mothers bible corresondence. I have never told her I smoked her bible. . .
  14. Aine
    Not getting any work done, so I will walk to the gym. This time, I will take wallet. Yes, a plan. There are no cigarettes from here to there, so. . .should be safe. Right. Don't yell at anyone. Sigh.
  15. Aine
    Was in the restaurant tonight and smelled smoke. Smelled so good. Got into my car and smelled it. Smelled bad. All I can think about right now. Tried twenty years ago to quit, twice, made it both times ten days, but the obsessional thinking never went away and I thought it never would so I gave up. I'm reading, reading, when I can; everybody is saying that will go away. . . .just typing now. It's just minute by minute right now. . .
  16. Aine

    27 February 2014

    By Aine,

    9 am. At work, managed to squeak through the morning coffee and cig ritual. Physical craving right now. Drinking juice and water. Almost wrecked this morning. Thinking about smoking and not paying attention! Pathetic.
  17. Aine
    Posted by Aine on 26 February 2014 - 04:48 PM
     
     
    So, I threw away the cigs, cleaned the ashtrays, put them away, put the ecigs in the top of the closet. I've smoked for forty years, and I'm a chain smoker, 3 -4 packs a day. I don't know if I smoke all of them, but I ALWAYS have one if possible.
     
    I'm scared to death and I don't even know why. My son just got home from school. He's 12. I don't like feeling like this.

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About us

QuitTrain®, a quit smoking support community, was created by former smokers who have a deep desire to help people quit smoking and to help keep those quits intact.  This place should be a safe haven to escape the daily grind and focus on protecting our quits.  We don't believe that there is a "one size fits all" approach when it comes to quitting smoking.  Each of us has our own unique set of circumstances which contributes to how we go about quitting and more importantly, how we keep our quits.

 

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