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Leanna

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Blog Entries posted by Leanna

  1. Leanna

    My Journey

    By Leanna,

    I've used every excuse I can think of to not quit.
     
    "It's not the right time... I am so stressed! You have no idea."
     
    "I like smoking. Why would I give that up? I'm never going to quit!"
     
    "When I'm stressed, I NEED a cigarette. It really does help calm my nerves."
     
    I'm glad I smartened the heck up after only smoking for about 5 or 6 years; I am so glad I quit while I was young.
     
    Funnily enough, I was very much against smoking growing up. Both of my parents smoked (heavily) and I hated how the smoke always loomed in the air. Every day, all day. I'm asthmatic as well, so the smoke really took my breath away sometimes.
     
    Why I started, I don't know. I think I did it mostly to make friends. I know that sounds lame, but it's true. Where I used to work (back in 2006/2007), everyone smoked. I started wandering out into the smoking pit to join them. Then I started dating this guy from work and decided to "try a few" with him.
     
    Fast forward to 2010 and I was smoking a pack a day, sometimes more. When I visited my mom and dad, I smoked at least a pack and a half a day. I calmed down a bit when I moved to Ottawa in August 2011 with my cousin and her roommates because none of them smoked, so I had to take my addiction outside.
     
    I met my boyfriend/fiance in October 2011 (online, of all places). I was in a relationship before where the guy I was with told me every day how I'd get cancer if I didn't stop. He was one of those crazy ex-smokers who was always on me about how I was going to die, which actually made me smoke even more because I was "stressed" and trying desperately to get rid of that stress. Thankfully I got out of there, met my boyfriend who has ALWAYS been extremely supported, and quit completely in August 2012.
     
    I haven't smoked since. 3 years ago, I never would have thought this was possible. I thought I was too weak to quit and stay quit. I was sure I was a forever-smoker.
     
    Guess what? Clearly, I was wrong! I am nearing my two-year anniversary as we speak. I feel amazing, and more importantly, I find smoking to be repulsive. I'm a new person, all because of you guys and the support I receive at home.
     
    I live with my boyfriend who has never smoked, so staying quit has been fairly easy. The only time it's a struggle is when I visit my dad and little brother. The only thing I struggle with is the disgusting smell. I don't want to be anywhere near it. My little brother thinks I'm a "quit Nazi" because I beg him to stop, but he will only do so when/if he wants to. No nagging from me is going to convince him and I understand that. However, that doesn't stop me from telling him how I quit, how thousands of others have quit, and how much better I feel without it. Hopefully this will eventually sink in for him and he will quit for good. He's only 18.
     
    So that's my story. I quit cold turkey and never looked back. Of course I had rough days... everyone has them. But ultimately, this is what I wanted and needed. I wasn't going to let a bad day ruin all the hard work I've put in. Cravings only last a maximum of three minutes (or so I'm told)! If you make it through Hell Week, that's 168 HOURS. There is no way I'd throw that away because of a temporary crave.
     
    Quitting is definitely doable. Have some faith in yourself. If you want to quit, you will. It's all about commitment and attitude. If you are SURE you're going to relapse, you probably will. You are setting yourself up to relapse. Mind over matter.
     
    Always remind yourself of the reasons you want (or have) to quit for.
     
    Your kids?
    Your health?
    Money?
     
    Make a mental note of these reasons or write them down. Carry them with you at all times. Understanding why you want this is very important.
     
    Change your routine if you can. As smokers, we associated everything with smoking. Try to break some of those patterns. For example, if you like to take a walk down a certain path and smoke, pick a different path. Go at a different time. Adjust/change your day-to-day patterns.
     
    For the first little while, keep yourself distracted! Don't let yourself mope around your house/apartment/whatever. Do something. Go for a walk, draw, play a game, watch a video. Anything to keep your mind distracted. Distractions are very important and were the key to my success. Also remember that smoking is an oral fixation, so try to keep your mouth busy. Maybe chew gum/hard candies/lollipops or chew on a straw. Whatever. Keeping your hands/mouth/mind busy will help though! You can't smoke if you're not thinking about it, right?
  2. Leanna

    October until now

    By Leanna,

    I have a video of my mom that I watch over and over again. It's only about 56 seconds long or so, but means the world to me. I always fear I'm going to forget her -- her voice, smile, laugh. I don't want to forget her. Even though she's not here with me physically, I use the memories I have of her to help me through. I want to believe she's still here with me, watching over me.
     
    These last 6 months have been difficult. I lost my mom in October 2013 from a heart attack. She was 59 and had been a heavy smoker for as long as I can remember. She suffered from something called Peripheral Arterial Disease. When they did the autopsy on her, they found that her arteries were full of plaque. I don't know what caused this other than the disease and possibly smoking.
     
    Back in 2006, my mom was suffering. She would spend her nights awake, crying. She wasn't getting enough circulation. Her big toe turned purple/black/blue. She was a very stubborn lady who hated doctors. I desperately wanted to fix her pain... there is nothing worse than hearing my mom cry. I remember looking up "home remedies." They never helped.
     
    Eventually, she did go to the doctor. They had to amputate her toe. She said she'd rather die than lose her toe. But after much begging from her children, she had the surgery. The pain was gone.
     
    She was okay for a few years, but her health started to deteriorate over time. She lost a lot of weight and could barely walk. Her legs, arms, wrists, everything hurt. There was no convincing her to go to the doctor. She would say stuff like, "If I'm dying, I don't want to know about it!" She was like this for a few years. She suffered all the time. She worried about others before herself. Leading up to her death, she was complaining about her wrist, saying it was "carpal tunnel."
    I should have clued in... I suffer from CT and know where the pain usually radiates from. She was describing a different kind of pain. So many regrets.
     
    I talked to her the night before Oct. 11th. She was so excited about Christmas. That's all she talked about while on the phone with me. I was excited too, having just bought her a lighthouse clock. She loved and collected lighthouses. I am so very thankful I made the time to talk to her that day instead of avoiding my phone as usual.
     
    At 7:30 a.m. the next day, my aunt called and told me she was gone. My beautiful, sweet mom had died in her sleep. I was devastated. I remember wanting answers, not wanting to believe she was gone. I remember crying and hyperventilating. I remember my boyfriend trying to calm me. Within a few hours, I was at my mom's house. I was numb at that point with a raging headache.
     
    We had to wait a week for a funeral because this happened over Thanksgiving weekend in Canada, which delayed the autopsy. i picked out the urn, and the service was two hours long. I didn't cry much at the funeral... I mean, I cried for an entire week prior. I feel like people probably thought I was cold, but that's okay. What do they know, right? I had a little brother and a devastated father to take care of.
     
    I was surrounded by smokers that night. I remember sitting outside amongst them. I didn't have one craving. I saw what smoking did to my mom and I was just disgusted by it all. Blech.
     
    I'm at a point where I'm starting to deal with things now and live my life. I took a leave from work in December and never returned... I hated that job more than anything. I am going back to school to take human resources management starting in May instead. I am hoping for a different career path. I am trying to lose the weight I gained from emotional eating. I am doing okay; I am surviving.

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QuitTrain®, a quit smoking support community, was created by former smokers who have a deep desire to help people quit smoking and to help keep those quits intact.  This place should be a safe haven to escape the daily grind and focus on protecting our quits.  We don't believe that there is a "one size fits all" approach when it comes to quitting smoking.  Each of us has our own unique set of circumstances which contributes to how we go about quitting and more importantly, how we keep our quits.

 

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