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JackiMac

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Blog Entries posted by JackiMac

  1. JackiMac
    Im tired, Im emotional, Im stressed, Im running from place to place, I shake my fist up to the sky and say Please enough already, I plod, I'm not at work, I'm not doing my exercises, I'm not sleeping, I'm not eating, but the most important thing through all these I'm nots is I AM NOT SMOKING, I thought I would crumble, after my relapse, I honestly thought that at the next part of high stress I would just smoke, but I didn't, have I finally realised and accepted that smoking really is not an option, the thought of lighting a cigarette honestly makes me feel sick, yes the thought is there, but its not welcome, the door is not fully open to allow it access into the deeper recesses of my brain, I am not holding my hand out to welcome it back in. If the nicotine demon tries to get in any further, I am shutting the door in its face. I recently read a wee comment on facebook which I loved and I think is appropriate at this time (Marti my lovely a wee nod in your direction xxx) Nicotine please accept my middle finger salute to you......
  2. JackiMac
    Your favourite chair is vacant now
    no eager purrs to greet me
    no softly padded paws to run
    ecstatically to meet me
    no coaxing rubs no plaintive cry
    will say its time for feedings
    ive put away your bowl and all
    the things you wont be needing
    but I will miss you little friend
    for I could never measure
    the happiness you bought me
    the comfort and the pleasure
    and since god put you here to share
    in earthly joy and sorrow
    I'm sure there'll be a place for you
    in heaven's bright tomorrow xxxxx
     
    sleep tight wee fella xxxx
  3. JackiMac

    Smudge

    By JackiMac,

    Been all over the place today, my mum's wee cat, Smudge who is 19 is having breathing difficulties, has air and fluid on the lungs. He was rushed to the emergency vets last night and has had two more incidences since. My mum has just called he is being rushed up to a special Vetinary hospital in Glasgow. If any place can save him they will be able to. Could all you animal lovers out there please send special prayers for him. He is a very special cat
  4. JackiMac

    Sometimes

    By JackiMac,

    I have literally not sat down today, my son has decided to move in with his girlfriend....she lost her mum when she was 16 and kind of lost her way in the world, to cut a long story short her flat was a disgrace, hadn't been cleaned for years, rubbish piled up, dirty clothes you get the picture. Lovely sweet girl, last 3 weekends I have been down, cleaning, scrubbing, brushing, dusting, doing piles of laundry, Basically showing her what needs to be done. I am exhausted, they both smoke very heavily, came home and I stank to high heaven, I didn't want nor feel the need to have a cigarette, after bleaching skirting boards and doors that are heavily stained nicotine brown well it makes me shudder. My son only works 16 hours a week, and his girlfriend doesn't work at all claims income support, they are living off of £100 per week....sometimes I could just weep. Two lovely young people trying to get on in life. I sneak in bags of food to them and wave off the "how much did that cost mum" sometimes a hug is just enough. Sometimes I look at my son and glimpse the little boy he once was and my heart bursts with love. Sometimes I see the man he has become all the problems he overcame with dignity and strength and I feel so proud. Sometimes I want to shout from the top of the roof that's my son and I love him with all my heart. Sometimes.........
  5. JackiMac
    Good Good day today, feel refreshed, feel alive and feel happy, if anyone is interested you can see my facebook page and check out the post my darling OH posted of me today, singing unawares LOL!. I still can't believe I stirred the pot, I boiled up a big black cauldron, I added some insecurity, stress, a sprinkle of doubt, two tablespoons of sleepless nights, and a pinch of a notion, as I stirred the notion grew and grew, it bubbled, it got hotter, I could smell the potion and I wanted to taste it, baaaaad mistake, should of taken the pot off the boil at that point and walked away from it, but no not me the recipe enticed me a little more, so I threw in some more insecurity and some doubt, and just to be on the safe side a huge big spoonful of notion, and before I knew it I tasted my potion, bleurgggh was my initial reaction but then BOOM my taste buds were awakened, I knew I should have tipped the damn stuff away. So next time a notion comes into my head, damn well not taking the cauldron out its staying where it is and I am riding this train to a different kitchen........
  6. JackiMac
    The junkie is always with us, and I gave him room to breathe, not knowing how fast and lethal his grip on me would become in a matter of seconds, what I take from my fall is to always guard my quit, to remember that however bad the crave is to begin smoking again is really bad, I do not want to be a smoker I want to live my life smoke free, I want to be free from the demon inside but I now understand that underneath the surface he will be lurking. I will get through hell and heck week and understand my addiction better, tomorrow brings a new day, one where I will hold my head high, instead of puffing away furiously, feeling sick and stinking of smoke, the addiction sucks and to carryon smoking would suck the life from me. I must commit to NOPE every day. I'm brushing myself down and telling myself onwards and upwards
  7. JackiMac
    Long working day for me on a Thursday, have not thought about smoking at work at all and dont miss it, until today. We have a new Service Control Manager that has started, young 23, adorable, and today he kept disappearing for 5 to 10 mins at a time, yuuup a smoker!! I challenged him today, could smell it all the time, all the receptors pinged in my brain, arggghhh no not now, told him I had stopped over 4 months ago, and his reply "give into the crave," WTF....took out his packet of cigarettes and handed me one. I think I must have been catching flies the way my mouth just fell open, I have not looked at or held a cigarette for so long and here I had one in my hand, just right there, in my hand!! For all of 10 seconds I thought and then calmly said "No you are OK I am a non smoker" and gave it him back, and told him my aim was to get him to see sense and to stop smoking. But for that short space of time, being so close to a cigarette, boy was I tempted.
  8. JackiMac
    I'm nearly at 4 months quit, and there is no way that I want to go back to smoking but I could sure as hell have one today. The Quit Smoking Journey is a lot of walking slowly up hill and then speed racing down the otherside with the wind blowing in your face, Going up and down these hills on a daily basis becomes part of our life, we get used to it, Then all of a sudden you come to the bottom of a mountain, looking up all we can see are pitfalls, crevices hidden from us, but there waiting to open beneath us and let us fall, ice and dark clouds, do you want to climb this mountain it looks impossible, how can we do it alone, its scary, maybe we should turn back, but then we stop for a minute and take a step back................we realise that nothing is impossible, we have the tools to climb this mountain, we have help from others to push onward, we can overcome the pitfalls, we can climb over the crevices with our tools, we will not fall, the ice we can avoid and the dark clouds will go and the sun will hopefully shine, As I said there is no way that I want to go back to smoking but I sure as hell could have one today, I'm at the bottom of the mountain, but I have the tools and the friends to push forward. So I took a step back and I started to climb..................
  9. JackiMac

    Nicely Put

    By JackiMac,

    Just read a recent blog entry entitled "I am not a spokesperson for quitting smoking" (bows to soberjulie) I wrote a reply and liked it so much lol that I thought I would add it to mine
     
    i'm not going to beat myself up because some days I crave the nicotine, it was part of my life for so long that I don't expect it to be an easy journey, no quit is right or wrong, but if I can help that one person get through their day a little bit easier, if I can pay it forward just a little then I feel that I'm doing something right, I take each day as it comes, and aim to get through each day smoke free, I want my quit to be a forever quit, but I don't know what is round the corner and can hope that I am strong enough to face each crave and trigger as they occur, so far so good but who knows, I have no crystal ball, some days are easier than others and those days are great, some days/weeks (like recently) have been torture and I could quite easily go back, but coming here and reading and seeing that I am not alone goes a hell of a long way in keeping my quit. Do you know think I may put this in my blog!
  10. JackiMac
    I was always the last one to do anything, which explains why over 3 months in and I've only just decided to start documenting my wonderful quit. It could also explain why it took me to the age of 48 before I finally quit, quit for good. Over the last 30 odd years like any other smoker, I've thought about quitting, talked about quitting, read about quitting, been to my GP about quitting, quitted on a few occasions, sometimes for a day, sometimes for a week, sometimes for months and once when I was pregnant with my second son for a whole year, until something annoyed me and I went and bought a pack of fags, bad mistake. What changed this time, Me I changed I wanted to stop smoking so I did, I was excited to be finally quitting for good. I used the tablet Champix and my Doctor told they were my Last Chance Saloon, I would not be offered them again, it was a once in a lifetime offer, so it was now or never. I chose now. On the 16th January, 2014 I became a non smoker and have never regretted it once. I stopped taking the Champix about half way through the course as I felt they had done and had helped me achieve what I needed, I did not want to get to the stage where I was afraid to come off the Champix. Its been a very emotional journey, I've been angry, sad, I've questioned logic, argued facts, battled with the addict inside of me, thought about buying the damn cancer sticks, felt sick at the thought of buying them, lighting and smoking them, dreamt about them, checked packets on the ground and stamped on them. I've sang and danced, cried and laughed, at the moment I'm ill with a chest infection, its making me so happy I've stopped, I'll get better and be happy that I'm a non smoker. I've pledged to NOPE (not one puff ever) I love putting the status SNOT up (Smoking is not an option). I've met some wonderful people here on the Quit Train where I clutch my one way ticket and glare at anyone who tries to even look at it. I look forward to some more wonderful people coming on board at new stops. I understand that some people will get off at various stations along the way, but it wont stop me from looking for them getting back on again. We all are different and we all will deal with our quits in different ways, but knowing that if I feel down, or if I want to share something, of possibly even help someone, knowing I can open up my little red laptop, press and button and Voila im on the train, well everyone who is here will understand. OMG just looking up at my wittering!! My quit has been wonderful so far and I'm looking forward to sharing some more of it. So as they say watch this space xxxx
  11. JackiMac
    Pinched some of my previous entries from we know where just to remind me of where I was at certain points in my quit!
     
    27 March 2014 - 06:27 PM
     
    Started to post this in Quits recent post about topics, but whilst writing a flurry of replies appeared and was worried it would get swallowed up in the great abyss. I'm approaching the 3 month mark and have read posts about 3/3/3/ stages, I have climbed here fairly ok, a few bad times where I almost bought cigarettes but found the support here stopped me, but at the moment I feel.....I can't really put my finger on it but I feel weird, I know I will never smoke again but something feels strange, my craves have increased, my smoking dreams have returned, I even doubted my strength in this quit today!! I have put weight on, my eating is healthier, I exercise more, I feel and look so much better, everyone is commenting on it, but I just cant shake this feeling, it started a few days ago but is increasing HELP please ....I've got to go get dinner sorted so if I don't reply to anyone Im not ignoring you, (see im doubting myself again in something else!)
    19th March 2014
     
     
     
    Death the one taboo subject.....the one subject most people are scared to talk about, it frightens me, scares me to death! I don't like thinking about it, its the unknown.............BUT what really gets to me now is that for the last 30+ years I was more afraid of giving up smoking WHAT seriously I was so so afraid to lose "my friend" the cigarette, the one thing that would most certainly kill me, I couldn't imagine life without smoking, yet I knew the pain and suffering it would most certainly cause, I kept telling myself it wouldn't get to that with me, I was special, I wouldn't suffer, I wouldn't get cancer, breathing problems, heart problems the list could go on. Over the last few days I have sat and read shared stories, posts about relatives, friends, strangers who have lost their fight for life because of "their friend" the cigarette, and what struck me is although they all were scared to die, they still all were too scared to stop smoking, beggars belief. My Ex husband (54) has recently come out of hospital after having a heart attack, first thing he did when he left Light Up a Cigarette, FFS, do we really think so little of ourselves, are we not far more important, we can get a second chance at life by keeping the quit, but once you are dying there is no second chance, so come on get over the fear of quitting, smoking is not your friend....it will kill you.
    09 March 2014 - 04:28 PM
     
    Said in the best "Victor Meldrew" voice that I can muster, I lay last night staring at the ceiling, Im having quite a few insomniac nights at the moment and I thought back to when I first came here, reading all the posts, soaking up all the inspiration I could, posting maybe once or twice, dipping my toe in, deciding what the heck and jumping right in, the lovely warm welcome I received, feeling so so scared, scared of missing the cigarettes, scared I would give in within the first few days, weeks and being given such encouragement and advice and being told it would get better, and I didn't believe for one minute that it ever would, I thought that all you seasoned quitters, all you quitters with much more time and experiences behind you didn't know what you were talking about, but you know something all you guys were so right, SORRY I didnt believe it, but what you said was true, it does get better, it does begin to feel better, it such a relief to know this now, so everyone who is posting SOS's at the minute who are unsure, PLEASE please do not give up IT will get better, and Im now looking forward to the next stage of my journey and am reading more and more . So once again THANKS
     
    26 February 2014 - 10:08 AM
     
    As I sit here this morning ive just realised how often I used to run about in the morning just so I could get a cigarette at 8.30 and at the bus stop, now I spend more time with my son before he goes to school quality time, all the dishes are done, ive had an extra cup of tea and sat and relaxed, then I got to thinking of all the wasted time at my work I get 2 15 min breaks and they were spent, running up stairs to get my cigarettes then running to smoke it and running back in FFS was I insane, I used to go hungry so I could get a smoke, and I thought that was normal. I used to get annoyed at the family if they wanted a minute of my time if I craved my smoke, I always put that first, how selfish of me, its ridiculous how often I justified my priority to have a cigarette, days out with the family, waiting on mum to finish her smoke, while the lure of the funfair/zoo/softplay was in sight, i've got alot of making up to do and boy its going to be so much more fun simply because i'm smokefree. Quitting smoking is not only benefitting me its benefitting every member of my family and that makes me happy

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QuitTrain®, a quit smoking support community, was created by former smokers who have a deep desire to help people quit smoking and to help keep those quits intact.  This place should be a safe haven to escape the daily grind and focus on protecting our quits.  We don't believe that there is a "one size fits all" approach when it comes to quitting smoking.  Each of us has our own unique set of circumstances which contributes to how we go about quitting and more importantly, how we keep our quits.

 

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