Oh Daisyjane..I wish I could tell you it would go away.
I am married since 31 years, I love my husband, he is my best friend, soulmate, lover, husband.....the all in one deal! We are happy and we are still in love...go figure! I am 51 and he is 2 years older. I am a down to earth person, very balanced, very happy and mostly in a good mood. This however changes in the minute I think my husband might be sick. He was in a harmless car accident a while ago, nothing dramatic happened, but still he ended up in the Emergency room. You should have seen me. I was yelling at nurses, pushing people to the side...I was a nervous wreck, willing to punch anybody and everybody who didn't answer my questions quickly enough.
There is this voice in my head....what if something happens to him. How would I ever go on? I am financially independent, have my own business....but that's not what I am talking about. I could not imagine my life without him. Sure, we all go on one way or another...I know that. The question however is if you want to. My wish is we die of old age, in our sleep in the same night. Not very realistic of course and I know that.
We just quit smoking and the thought "how much damage is done " comes to mind. Let's face it, I smoked for 35 years, chances that I will pay the ultimate price....well they are high. For me and for my husband, he still smokes. I fine with it for myself, but the fear of losing him is very real and intensifies with each passing year.
The wave of anxiety in our neck.....over rolling us like a big wave, it won't stop...Why, because we love him! I would bet we both would still feel the same if we would have never smoked. The fear would be the same....we would still be scared s***less!
I don't have an advice...I just let you look in my life and my heart so that you know you are not the only one :-)