Hi everyone, here I am approaching the end of week 2 and I have to admit it’s been a really tough time. I did what I’ve always done, I shut down and pushed everyone away. A lovely lady messaged me because I haven’t been around. Grief is a funny thing, it sits in the background and becomes a part of you for most of the time, like the fridge making a noise that you know is there but don’t acknowledge for the most part. I had a really bad year from August 2020 to August 2021. I lost one of my dogs aged 15 in August 2020, a really good friend that I spoke to every single day in February 2021, my Dad who I looked after and the last of my family where I live 12 weeks later in May 2021 and my other dog aged 16 in August 2021. All of these have passed 2 years or are coming up 2 years and grief has been roaring at me. The thing is that everyone around me are cognisant of the first year, hardly anyone notices the second year. It’s something that can hit you.
My life changed utterly in the space of a few months, I went from being needed 24/7 to not at all in what felt like overnight. That was a huge learning curve for me.
smoking was tied into my identity as “that person” so now I’m dealing with remembering who I was and who I am now but celebrating is hard for me. Who I am now is without them which makes me incredibly sad if that makes sense.
I’m sorry to ramble, I guess I’m trying to say sorry for disappearing, I felt sad.
I realise now that when I struggle I need to be here, not so much when I’m happy and ok.
Thank you everyone, and thank you especially to a very special lady
