Shymaid

Morning! Nope!

Yeah, in October when I tried quitting at the cabin, I took a nap every day. But the bed there did a number on my already bad back, so I didn't sleep that well at night either I'm a bit scared of messing up my sleeping pattern completely, as I struggled to get that under control since New Year. I've also not kept myself too busy, as I associate smoking with sitting down and rewarding myself for what I've finished etc. No restless fingers so far, more a restless body and mind. Having trouble sitting still and such, while also too lethargic to do anything. I'll probably continue making a pattern for a pair of summer trousers and get the pieces cut out today. I'm copying my favorite pair. However, making your own pattern when you don't know sewing isn't the easiest, but then I do have the tendency to jump into the deep end of stuff like that. So lots of frustrations so far, but hopefully I can start making some progress! I'll be hand sewing them as I can't be bothered learning my mother's machine. Besides, it's really meditative which is a plus! And find some short yoga videos at the right length and intensity level should be good!

Oh, I know how you feel! I've already had a few dances with the Sugar Fairy... For the most part kicked her butt, but I certainly don't want that to flair up at this point! I have a sharp line between added and not added sugar; I'm not cutting out all fruit just because they have their natural sugar in them, and all that. Good luck doing the rounds with her! And remember, she's not really fair at all! When the NicoMonster is under control, I'm cutting way back on coffee. No plan on cutting it 100% right now, after all, you don't have to cut everything at once I've been taking some extra yoga and walking the long way to the shops to alleviate the cravings so far. As said, anger flaring up was the most difficult hours!

Haha, maybe I'll try that one if the next few days gets hard! This evening has been fairly easy, though, seems like the worst is over for today *fingers crossed* So I'll take the opportunity to hopefully slip into sleep before there's any petal to the metal again!

Definitely missing my winding-down-for-the-day relaxation right now, as of course that includes cigarettes. I have noticed for some months how I tend to smoke more at night and the urge getting stronger and more often from around 5PM, so the effect are of course the opposite of getting the body relaxed. Still, it's more the ritual around it that I miss, I think. Which is funny, as it isn't that much different from my mornings - only difference is a cup or more of coffee really

Indeed... Well, it's good to know there are others with the same problem out there, so not feeling so alone with it!

And everyone going "You're so lucky to be slim! I can't believe there could ever be any problems with that, you're not anorexic, so.... " Then "Why have you become so skinny? Is something wrong?" Hopefully it will get easier without the NicoMonster!

Oh, I know! I have a strong urge to have a deep clean of the whole body! Not sure I would've been able to sleep during the day today, as I'm very restless and the whole body is buzzing. And as nothing is open tomorrow and there is nothing for me to do, I might have a nap if needed. Hopefully it will be a bit easier, the first three days are the hardest on the body. I'm already noticing a difference physically, which is really encouraging! Oh, wow! I just crave something undetermined sweet stuff, I have no idea what I want. So frustrating! Unless I find something I really want, I'll probably just let this pass on it's own, I think. The bloody anger has been the hardest part so far! Oh to have a boxing bag...

My 148th day of yoga in a row. That is every day this year, after I finally managed to start a daily practice! It took me 9 months to start it, which is fairly fitting to be fair Today was "Balancing Ocean Flow" which went well enough. Managed Crow Pose for the second time

So, two days under the belt! And this one has been way harder! Mainly because it has highlighted how I have dealt with anger by smothering it with smoke. First being just generally irritable, then more and more sleepy around midday; which had my thoughts spinning. It's been a rough year; and one thing that happened was what I thought was a friend showing his two-faced nature. Granted, I haven't talked to him since, so nothing has been resolved that way; apparently I'm still pretty pissed about being kicked while I was down. Sometimes when my thoughts starts spinning, it can be hard to get them on a different track. And I suppose the NicoMonster grabbed hold of that and spun it for all it was worth! Eating is a bit easier; I generally eat too little and struggle to keep my weight on. (No, it's not a blessing, but just as much of a curse and having problems keeping the weight off) Not sure how conscious it has been, but it seems like I've fallen into the trap of taking a cigarette when I feel hunger coming on instead of eating. So naturally I eat too little, duh! So today I've eaten more regularly than in a long time! Yay! My head is a bit dull, and I've been a bit dizzy these two days, but hopefully that is just the majority of the nicotine leaving the body! And again I'm fairly glad I can soon go to bed and sleep That is always a good thing on a bad day! Also, my CNS really had a tantrum today, and has been buzzing away wanting a fix. So it also started craving caffeine and sugar - and I do mean really badly! I was a bit skeptical to have coffee in my quit at all, as I have a strong association with coffee and cigarettes; I usually have both together. But it hasn't been that much of a problem other than the increased urge for more caffeine. But perhaps I will have less tomorrow, either just tea or one or two cups of coffee. Hopefully I will be less sleepy than I've been today. If I fall asleep around noon I just know I won't be able to sleep at night, and I really don't want to sleep all day and be up all night!

Nope!

It sure is easier now that I don't put up an extreme version of Plato's Cave anymore! In earlier tries I've let the NicoMonster grow to enormous proportions and caving. I still get the cravings of course, thinking some variation of 'I want a cigarette' in the same inner voice where I would normally go take that cigarette or cave when abstaining, and even seriously thinking 'I'll just take one [puff], then go back'. That one popped up just a few seconds ago. But it just lasts a few seconds, so if I just hold on for those I'm fine. I'm done being a slave! I want my freedom back! Health, money etc is secondary to me. First and foremost I want control over my thoughts and actions back!

@GusI never had abstinence symptoms from the Coke that I can remember. Not sure it even crossed my mind as a possibility. The hard part for me was walking past the isles in the store without getting that 1,5 L I had drunk every day for a few years. Perhaps I was lucky in that I hadn't drunk that much for a long time, so it hadn't established itself that hard in mind or body. After that I longed for waking up one morning and not wanting a cigarette either @DenaliBluesI'm not sure caffeine and nicotine has balanced itself out in my body, but I've pitied my CNS for years! What hell I have put it through! Changing that now, though, and trying to change my view from stop beating myself up for these 25 years, to 'better late than never'. Right now the focus is nicotine, but coffee will probably go as well in time. Don't think that will be too hard, as I've had periods the last year with only one cup with no problem. Take your time with the Coke, while respecting how your body reacts to it. @jillarThat's what I'm hoping will happen to me, just a natural decrease. I don't have a particular goal of being 100% caffeine free, but going down to one cup or less wouldn't be amiss. Or just switching to tea or something. It's the *I need that cup of coffee!!!* that irritates me!

Thank you! I have a loathing for word salads, and sometimes think/suspect I get a bit too wordy But I'll keep posting!

Indeed! Since reading Carr's book, I've been reviewing all the excuses I've used over the years. A bit fascinating how they changed depending on circumstances! All silly in the end! I hear you! I'm at a time where many changes have to happen, both by choice and by force; which includes thinking about what I'm doing and why. A bit if soul searching, and that's not always fun. So perhaps it better to say that I wonder/fear how much I've been holding back with techniques like smoking, but far from limited to that one. That remains to be seen! Looking back at your life can make you question 'What if...?', which is ok as long as it doesn't drag you under.

It's gone so quickly today, @Gus! Still, I do feel a bit relieved that I can finally go to bed in about an hour Get a break from the cravings and the body can work on eliminating all the foul stuff in peace

Exactly! As I've struggled these past two years especially, I've time and time again thought the last cig of the day would be my last one, and then suddenly realize I couldn't remember smoking it And yes, I did feel deprived. Yes, I didn't feel I'd said the goodbye I needed to say. For better or worse, it's been some sort of 'companion' over the years, so putting that final line in the sand felt right. Then turn and walk away forever!

Oh, I'm already wondering why I've wasted 25 years on this idiocy! Thank you, Gus! It feels very solid and like it's the only way I can go. When I get to that point, I usually stay the course. In my twenties I kicked a very bad Coca Cola habit; woke up one morning and didn't want any more, then just resisting buying any more for a few weeks. Stopped drinking about 8 years ago, though I hadn't had an alcohol problem since my teens. So it's not the first quit I've done, but most definitely the strongest addiction!

Thank you, @DenaliBlues! It wasn't really an option at this point, so I guess I was ready to take the big step!

Thank you, @jillar! I will admit I've thought about taking one puff over the last hour or so (there's another smoker in the house, so it can be scary!), but it's not really been a serious thought and only lasted a couple of seconds before I put it aside! And yes, my savings will explode!!! I live in a very expensive country, in particular when it comes to cigarettes and alcohol. Won't miss putting all that money into the treasury, that's for sure!

Hello! I'm Shymaid, and I've been a Nicotine Addict for over 25 years. On 05/26/2022 I lighted up my last cigarette at 05:40 PM CET. A Cold Turkey quit. The road to this point in time has been long, as you all can see, and with uncounted attempts of quitting behind me. This time it will be different, though! Why? Because I've started to work with where the problem really lies: in my head! I am an addict, and I have to admit that. Being an addict makes the NicoMonster seem like a huge thing, when in reality it really fairly small. I might just have 24 hours under my belt so far, but for the first time I haven't been climbing the walls for those hours! So how did I come to this final point? Well, that's a long story; and while I made several attempts on and off over these long years, they became more and more serious over the last 5-10 years. Two years ago I decided I really did want to quit. Well, I didn't really want to quit, as picturing a future without nicotine was impossible. So while I've been constantly trying to free myself for two years (!!!), I didn't manage it for several reasons. In October I had my last serious try; a week at a family cabin, alone, without cigarettes or any other form of nicotine. No car of bike, so getting to a store was not possible. I did survive that week. I didn't fall over dead for any reason, the world didn't collapse etc. You probably know the doomsday thoughts going through your head when you try to pick up the nerve for yet another try. However, when departure time came, I had known for hours that I would start again that night. And I did. While I was disappointed in my self to the point of self-loathing, I had also learned a very important lesson: now I KNEW the physical addiction wasn't as bad as I had thought. The main hurdle was in my head. At the cabin I wasn't going up the walls because of the withdrawal pangs, as it did when at home. When I didn't have any access at all to nicotine, the monster was also much smaller compared to when I do. One attempt some years back I controlled myself for about 6 weeks, and those weeks were pure hell where I couldn't even go shopping food. If I did, I knew I would get a new pack and start up again. And I did. With a few months of 'trying to cut back, so the final quite becomes easier' BS, I had stumbled upon a few resources that made today possible. Some times the YouTube algorithm works in mysterious ways. Last spring it recommended a yoga channel to me, right at the point where I was so claustrophobic that I couldn't breathe. With 9 months on and off I finally continued a daily practice from 1 January this year - Day 147 today! This has helped me prepare for this moment more than I probably know. In January I was recommended a meditation music video, which in the end led to a channel called Minds in Unison. It is run by a hypnotherapist, Thomas Hall, and has various kinds of methods to help people with various problems. I went for some subliminal, and unlike many other channels, he actually includes what subliminals he puts in there. A very important point! So I figured I'd try it out, for various problems, and have been listening on and off since. Not all related to smoking, but then everything is connected. For this time my smoking has been bothering me more and more, and almost driving me as far up the walls ans the withdrawal pangs has done! So the other day I decided to check out Mr. Hall's website, and he has a blog there. One recent post was on how to stop smoking, with one recommended resource was forums. Which led me here. While lurking I saw the praise of Allen Carr and his book, so I did a search and found a pdf version. As this is somewhat of a confession time, I will admit it was put up for free. I just hope one day I will be able to pay it forward somehow. Stolen or not, I started reading it on Tuesday, continuing into Wednesday. As I was overripe for putting this filthy thing behind me, I tried to quit from Thursday morning. Problem was I had 10 more left in my packed, and it had not been hidden while I spelt as promised... So I lasted for a whole hour when I got up yesterday. Not the other person's fault for forgetting, as it was all down to my own weakness! Open packets have been too hard for me to resist, in particular my own packet. So I smoked these 10 cigarettes while starting to type up Mr. Carr's book. At the same time I played 9,5 hours of subliminal music for self-forgiveness. And I felt the fear of a nicotine-free life starting to lift. When that was done I switched to stop smoking music, and have been playing that almost constantly since. The last cigarette was lit just over 25 hours ago now. It was the 11th of the day, actually, as the 10th was smoked while I was too distracted and I wanted to smoke that last one focused. Why? So I didn't feel deprived of really 'enjoying' that last one. Quite ridiculous when you think about it, but there you are. At least I don't have to sit and pine about how I didn't pay attention to my very last cigarette, haha! Since then it's been surprisingly easy. While living somewhat on an hourly basis and having to emergency-read in Carr's book to remind myself that I am now a non-smoker, the pangs have been fairly weak and easy to handle compared to what it's been before. As I said, my problem was in my mind. Have i successfully retrained my brain? No, absolutely not! But I have good tools now, and I really, really, REALLY want to be free of this damned cigarettes! Increasingly I've been feeling more and more sick after one, or even just a half; having a very bad taste and feeling of tar covering the inside of my mouth long before the end of the day; etc, etc. So you could say that my mind has been preparing to take this step for some time. Including realizing that NRT wouldn't be the way for me, as I really had to kick the nicotine itself, and to do that handle the FEAR. The fear of the withdrawal pangs. The fear of never, ever feeling that nicotine hit my brain. The fear of who I really am, as I have never known that. This last point is a very important one for me. I started in my early teens, before I knew who I was. So the only me I know is the slave to the dead weed. The Nicotine Addict. And that is really really scary! I mean, what if I actually manage to quit?!? Who am I then? Where will that lead? Can I face up to who I've actually been while living in this self-imposed slavery? Stepping into the unknown can be very frightening, but it was no option of continuing as I have these 25 years. So it really was just 'DO', haha! So this is my brief story up to this point! So far it's going very well, surprisingly well! I will stay strong! P.S. I apologize for this wall of text, and if you managed to come to the end I thank you for listening. If this can help anyone else, even just one, it will be worth having put out here.

Thank you, @jillar! We all have to find our way when our legs are (very) wobbly those first few days at least. I did make note of the SOS forum very quickly, though! Haha! So far, so good, though! And now that I'm signed up, I might just end up hanging around more than I intend to...

So, it's now 24 hours since I lit up my last cigarette ever! i didn't note down when I put it out, so I use this time to mark the turning point. It's been surprisingly easy, actually. So I suppose Allen Carr was right: it IS EASY to quit smoking - provided you do the mental preparations first. After 25+ years as a slave to the NicoMonster I have my fair share of failed attempts behind me, so I know some might find that statement a bit offensive and why. There are many roads leading to Rome, and for me it seemed like this was my only option. Whatever the case might be, I have put a surprisingly easy 24 nicotine free hours behind me!

Oh, that 24 hour mark is definitely felt! The NicoMonster has been having a temper tantrum for about an hour now, but I'm able to control it apparently! *very proud* I'll write something up on how I came to my final turning point, and how that has turned out for the first 24 hours going Cold Turkey when the final hour has passed. Only 40 min to go now! Isolation can definitely make things harder, but for me this time it's been not wanting to rock the boat too much at this fragile stage. I proved to myself that it was mainly a problem in my head about 6 months ago, so I've been focused on maintaining and strengthening the thought pattern of not needing nicotine.

Thank you, @DenaliBlues! As I've always blown the withdrawal pangs waaaaaay out of proportion before and this is the first time I've gotten them under control, I've been a bit afraid of self-sabotaging. Another thing I'm very good at, lol. And perhaps because I'm very VERY surprised, as all other attempts has been pure hell from the first hour! But perhaps I'll start a thread with what works and what doesn't so far. Being a bit shy doesn't always make it easy to share things openly online.