DenaliBlues

This is, perhaps, an odd one: Not rattling as I walk down a hiking/birding trail. I used to always keep a hardpack of smokes in the right leg pocket of my cargo pants. Because the pack was usually half-gone, it used to rattle with every step I took. In the same pocket, also used to carry a black rubber film cannister for my butts, so that I didn't leave them lying around on trail. And of course they rattled, too. I now see so much wrong with this picture: being fastidious about not leaving butts on the ground while totally ignoring the smoke I put inside me... being literally a walking ashtray. Rattle. Rattle. Rattle. Nope, not this year! I look forward to hearing what the world sounds like.

5. Speed up how quickly joint compound sets when repairing drywall. Why do I (sadly) know this? See #3.

3. Defrost frozen water pipes. @jillar, stickers come off with blow dryers? Do tell...

I’m on day 24 of my quit and have reached what maybe feels a new phase. I’m learning to recognize and manage the ordinary craves that arrive in random waves throughout the day… mostly by keeping my mind/hands occupied, checking something off of my Mini Honey-Do list, doing wall push-ups, etc. Such cravings have certainly not gone away. But they have become more familiar, less debilitating. What’s new, though, is the size of the urges that wallop me when I encounter a major trigger. Their intensity is wholly different. Visceral. It doesn’t feel like I “want” to smoke, it feels like I’ve GOT to smoke. That is false, of course, coming from the addiction. But it still feels real. I am grinding through these times because I want to protect this quit. N.O.P.E. But Holy Buckets, Batman… it feels like my coping mechanisms are outgunned. Clearly, I need to get a better grip on my triggers. Plus I need a stock of additional coping tactics, things I can do when my usual list isn’t enough. What drove me to the brink in the past week were: SEEING MY MOTHER: Love her to pieces. But she pushes every button I’ve got. Last time I saw her I allowed myself to use one lozenge. Which I am otherwise not doing, since I need to stop using nicotine as a stress response. But a lozenge was a far better choice than stopping on the way home to chain smoke. I also rewarded myself with hot Indian curry takeout afterwards. Figured it was okay to set my head on fire in a whole different way… WRITING: Writing for work and smoking are nearly inseparable for me. I’ve made it through some small projects since I quit, but it was like swimming through molasses or running through sand, and the end-result was barely intelligible. Sadly, I have a massive writing project looming ahead this week. And there’s only so much curry a girl can eat... I need a plan. I’ve purchased some minty air straws to try. And I’ve been hoarding bubble wrap (the kind that pops really loud) for emergencies. In the spirit of not going this alone, I thought I would crowdsource this issue with fellow Train travelers. What are/were your worst triggers? And what do you do to amp up your toolkit to get through those moments? As a newcomer still, I'm grateful for all the different experiences and the hope (and chuckles) I'm finding here. Denali Blues

According to the four-legged residents of this house, the primary purpose of ALL furniture is to... 6. Display cat toys Current inventory: 1 crinkle ball, 1 catnip pouch, 2 rattle mice, and 1 bedraggled something-or-other that possibly was a wool dryer ball in a former life.

Still on the train! Day 21.

Way to go, @KEL. Thanks for supporting me and others who have hopped on the Train behind you.

Congratulations @Sunnyside! So helpful to know that it gets easier!

Hey, @JudiMD. Thanks so much for sharing and posting! We've got a few weeks in our rear-view mirror now, don't we? Something to feel proud of. At least in moments where I'm not a hot mess! Quitting after 64 years takes a lot of grit and determination - I think you are amazing. I'm really sorry to learn about your diagnosis and surgery. Body trauma, emotional trauma, and the trauma of quitting all rolled into one. How is the recovery going for you? I'm having ups and downs, but small successes are steadily accumulating. I'm not an expert on this platform yet, either. But bumping around and sorting things by "start date" and "recently updated" has exposed me to a lot of wonderful people and posts and a lot of practical wisdom in this community. (Plus it keeps my mind and fingers occupied, which is helpful!) Good people here. Glad you are one of them. Denali Blues

Congrats on completing day one @JustinHoot99! And thanks for raising the topic of action. I can relate. A fiendishly clever aspect of my addiction is how it takes habituated behaviors + emotions + physical/chemical dependence and ratchets them into a really tight knot that seems impossible to untangle. As I start to pry those strands apart, I find that each one wants to smoke for different reasons. Each one has the power to sabotage my quit. I suspect that each part of my addiction needs its own attention, reprogramming and healing. Thinking about my behavioral habits or my “action” strand: until not smoking becomes my baseline (which I am months and miles away from) I need substitutes. The vacuum of not smoking is just too much to deal with. Also, at this stage in my withdrawal the reward centers in my brain are still pretty fried and screwed up, so things designed to make me feel good - taking a walk, breathing deeply, noshing on snacks, etc. – can irritate the bejezus out of me, instead. Depending on my mood. A new coping mechanism I started this week is a “Mini Honey Do” list of small tasks that need doing around the house. Nothing arduous or time consuming, or else I’ll procrastinate and it won’t help me combat an immediate craving. Simple stuff that can be done in 15 minutes or less, things I know I can’t fail at. Tighten the loose screws on the recycling cabinet door. Scrape whatever that sticky goo is off the laundry room window. Change the light bulb that’s been flickering in the bathroom. Swap out the HVAC air filter. I have to write these down because when I am stressed or sunk emotionally, my mind goes weirdly blank. I’m so used to meeting that moment by smoking that it’s hard to remember or imagine doing anything else. So I get up, look at the list, pick something, do it, and cross it off. It feels sort of silly, but it’s better than picking up a smoke. It adds a little novelty to my coping routine. And there’s the silver lining of stuff getting done around the house… Ditto on your comment about writing here being helpful, too. Reading your post and responding helped me ride out a nasty crave wave this morning, so thanks! Rock on with your day #2! Denali Blues

Hi @Sal! I'm only on day 19, so it's inspiring to hear that you and your wife have made it through to day 55. A great achievement! Sounds like you have some solid strategies and experience to get you through this transition time. I'm using the patch system, too. I was a very heavy smoker, so the patch gives me only a fraction of the nicotine I used to get from smoking. Which means that cravings and withdrawal are definitely part of my landscape, even on the patch. It's funny how at the very beginning the patch was my lifeline, the only thing standing between me and insanity. I had the daily changes timed down to the minute, without fail. But the other morning I took one off... and apparently just forgot to put a new one on. Several hours later I was restless and couldn't figure out why that antsy feeling set in out of the blue... forehead smack. But the promising thing about that experience was that it means I am making headway. My reliance on nicotine is beginning to shift. I'm able to intermittently forget about it. Not quite ready to toss the patches out the window yet, but that day will come. For a moment I could actually see a glimmer of light at the end of the long tunnel. Freedom is thattaway! Good luck with your step 2 step-down, Sal. Keep us posted, looking forward to hearing more about what that adjustment is like for you. DenaliBlues

Hi @Nana20. I can relate, I've fallen off the quit wagon before, myself. Rather than seeing that as a failure, I'm trying to see it as "equipment" to make this quit stick. I know more about what to expect. I know all the wily tricks the nicotine addiction will try to play on me, especially when I am stressed or vulnerable or feeling something I'd rather not feel. I know that instead of smoking, I need distractions and contact with other people - like you - who understand my experience. Staying locked in my own head is NOT a safe neighborhood right now. I can hear your determination and ferocity, Nana, and I love it! It's helping me this morning, so thanks for sharing it. I'm only on day 18, myself, and those first three days were absolutely horrible - I thought I would literally fly apart. But I didn't. I got through them. Hang in there! DenaliBlues

Gosh, thanks for all the support and for the welcome wagon! Very well timed, because I woke up this morning feeling rather low. First thing on my mind was wanting a smoke - that yearning has not abated yet. Right behind it was the acute feeling that every other activity pales in comparison to smoking. I'm building the skills to not smoke, and strengthening my "Do something else, just don't smoke." muscles. But I haven't yet turned a corner where I can experience actual gratification or enjoyment from those alternative activities. Am wondering if this is typical? It's like my dopamine receptors have been warped or scorched into wanting just one thing: a big horrible blast of nicotine. I'm trying to throw other stuff at them (sunshine, favorite foods, games, tactile activities, etc.). But the feel-good response receptors in my brain seem almost impervious. I've started to look into the idea of "savoring" in the hopes that might help. So far I can notice sensations other than smoking, which seems constructive. But gratification or enjoyment? Not yet. If anyone else has any experience with this, would love to hear it. Or if I'm just an oddball, that would be useful to know, too! Appreciate you all so much. DenaliBlues

I’m a newcomer pinging in to say hello. I’ve been lurking on the site for a while, but I set up a profile today so that I could participate. Thanks for the experiences and the compassionate, nonjudgmental encouragement shared here. Reading the info and comments has helped me through some white-knuckle moments. My last smoke was 17 days ago. It was not a planned quit. I was having oral surgery, and at midnight the night before I learned that smoking through the post-op was a really bad idea. (As if all the other harms of smoking for the last 40 years were somehow a really good idea?! Yeah, go figure.) Anyway, I slammed into this quit bass ackwards… unprepared mentally, emotionally or physically. I didn’t have any tools to hand, and hadn’t thought through how to be intentional to set myself up to succeed. Just boom. But I’m trying hard to make it work. There’s more than just a dental emergency at play. I want this quit and the suffering it entails to count for something. I’ve been ambivalent about smoking for some time, have been living in denial about the consequences, and have let smoking control my life for too long. Cold turkey was not an option for me, personally. (Did that before, didn’t stick.) So I’m using the patch on a step-down system. I’m constantly fiddling with silly putty. Trying to stay busy. Doing a lot of wall pushups. Attempting to stay positive. Getting a grip on my triggers. Making lists of alternative things to do in those moments. Re-reading the science. Doing more wall push-ups. I’m struggling with feelings of despair and intense physical discomfort as my body adjusts to a lot less nicotine. But this week, on average, was a bit easier than the last. So maybe that’s progress? I think addiction likes to hide in the dark. It feeds on shame and distortions, and whispers false justifications to us. So I guess part of why I am joining this QT community is to fend off those shadows by reaching out for reinforcement, to try to fill my brain with something different. I need to banish that voice from the dark that says nicotine is my best friend (it’s not) and says that I can’t exist without my smokes (I can, and I have 17 days of evidence to prove it). Today I am grateful for having your voices in my head, instead. You are helping me to rewire. Thanks for listening and bearing witness in return. DenaliBlues