Hi, @Kris. So good to hear your voice! I am very glad you posted this, because much of what you write resonates with me. I think positive affirmation is crucial, but it's equally critical to speak truthfully about the darker parts of quitting. The wrenching loss. The yearnings that never seem to abate, at least for me. All of the whe emotional and psychological and habitual wreckage that smoking leaves behind.
I'm only 8 months into this quit, so what I don't know about Forever Quitting would fill a football stadium. But there are a few things that I do know.
I once quit for almost seven years. During that time I missed smoking every single day. There were times that my longings to smoke felt like red hot torture and other times like a minor annoyance. But they never fully disappeared. I could list a bunch of rationalizations for why that was the case, and for why I lost that quit. But the honest truth was I threw that quit away. I gave into the longings because I didn't face and work through the underlying addiction and all of the after-effects of smoking that you so accurately describe, Kris. In other words, I had seven years of not smoking but zero years of RECOVERY. When I went back to smoking (thinking I could smoke just once in a while, or moderate my smoking... as if...), my nicotine addiction surged back stronger than ever before. It took me years to try to break free again. I regret the loss of that quit more than I can express. I want this time to be different, to be my Forever Quit. So here's what I'm taking away from that past experience:
- Just NOPE.
- Nicotine addiction gives me selective memory. There was a lot about smoking that was a living nightmare. Beyond the physical harms, it injured my head and my heart and my relationships. The addiction/longing that likes to romanticise smoking wants to minimize all of that, but I'm trying to keep the facts in focus. If smoking is awful and not smoking is awful, then I choose the awfulness of not smoking, because I choose to believe there will be light at the end of that tunnel.
- I'm trying to "demote" the longings, to reduce the power I let them have in my head and heart. The desire to smoke, and the grief of quitting, still hit me in strong waves. They suck, bigtime. But they do not define me. Think "You Don't Own Me" from First Wives Club. @intoxicated yoda once described the yearnings as a piece of junk rattling around in the back of his car's trunk, and I'm aspiring to that. I also use the mental image of just watching them sail by... like a stupid commercial on TV, or a foul ball I don't need to swing at.
- Can I bring some self compassion to the table? Can I stop viewing the part of me that wants to smoke as a demon to be killed, and instead view it as a small injured mammal that needs my care and time to heal? Not sure, but I am thinking about it.
In the meantime, I remember that community supports recovery. So I come here to the Train. I distract myself. I listen to what others are going through. When things get bad, I borrow some affirmation from others. I speak my truth, which is sometimes really different than the truths of others. You belong here, Kris, and your experience matters a lot. Thank you for sharing it openly. And PM me if you ever want to talk one-on-one.
