Today I feel frustrated again with my longing to smoke. I’ve made it nearly 11 months without nicotine – and the freedom is sweet. But I’ve hit a lot of triggers recently. Grief is a big one, there was another death in my family last week. Work is frustrating. Expensive and aggravating things keep going wrong with the house. While on vacation, I’m finding it hard to uncouple relaxing from smoking.
My quit is intact. I’m proud of that, and determined to stay away from nicotine. But I still feel bedeviled by the desire for a cigarette. I find myself romancing the smoke… longing for the “ahhh” feeling that I imagine it would give me. Red flag.
Time to remind myself that the gratification fantasy is a big lie. Smoking wouldn’t fix anything that’s broken, nor bring back anybody who I am mourning. It would just give me a headache, ratchet up my blood pressure, and roil up my stomach acid. That “ahhh” feeling is the biggest lie of all. After smoking as heavily as I did for as long as I did, I had screwed up most of the dopamine transporters in my brain. Smoking was making me feel worse, not better. There was no such thing as “enough” smoking for me. Just an endless pursuit of gratification ghosts that would always elude my grasp. Futile. Demoralizing. The only thing nicotine ever did for me was make me want more nicotine. It is NOT my friend.
Yet even as I write this, I want a smoke. How stupid is that?! Addiction is so crazy.
I need to think of these desires as dumb commercials trying to sell me junk I don’t want - tune them out. The urge to smoke is just a smelly trash truck rumbling by. Let it pass. Don’t give it the power of my attention.
Time to go read "How to Prevent a Relapse" for the 100th time. If anyone wants to share other thoughts about how to stop romancing the smoke, I’m all ears - it helps to hear how other people think about this.
Thanks to everyone for being here. Without the Quit Train I’d be much more vulnerable to the traps my addiction sets for me. I’m grateful to my fellow quitters, newbies and veterans alike. You all make my quit much stronger.
