A good set of questions to reflect on @Cbdave.
I smoked my first cigarette when I was 8 years old - a mere child. I remember it vividly. It was wintertime and -20 F below zero. I stood outside in the snow, behind the wood pile, my hands shivering while I was trying to light a match. My fingertips went numb. I puked afterwards. I saw stars and my head hurt. But I went back for more, like we all did. I was hooked by the time I was 13 and was up to a pack per day by the time I was 17 or 18.
Why did I start? It's so complicated. In part I was rebelling against a mother who hated smoking and mirroring an often-absent father who loved smoking. But on a deeper level, I think I was mostly trying to numb out trauma and avoid feelings I didn't otherwise know how to cope with. For me, smoking was not about peer pressure from other kids. It was internal. Unconsciously, I think I was trying to scorch out tough feelings, to escape, and to fast forward to adulthood. My brain was too young to appreciate the consequences of my actions, but it certainly did like the dopamine hit. So of course I got addicted. Smoking eventually became a strong part of my identity, as a rugged individualistic "outsider." That made it even tougher to quit. Because there were chemical and psychological factors all tangled up together.
I absolutely could not afford to smoke. There were plenty of times that I had to ration how many packs I would buy in order to make rent or have enough food. But you know addicts, we'll always find a way to maintain our habit.
In some ways I think that quitting can call us into a kind of reckoning with our inner selves as well as our outer behaviors. Why are we drawn to smoking? What do we think we're getting out of it? What stories do we tell ourselves about it, and how does that compare to the reality? Achieving abstinence from nicotine is certainly a big milestone. But I think one of the reasons my earlier quits didn't stick was because I stopped with just abstinence. I never was willing to attempt a deeper RECOVERY. I didn't examine the injuries I incurred from smoking (physical, mental, spiritual), or work to understand addiction, or become accountable for the ways that my smoking hurt others, etc. I'm working on all of those things this time. It fundamentally alters how I experience the desire to smoke. And that change is part of how I know that I have finally found my forever quit, here on the Quit Train.
