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Evelyn

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  1. Evelyn

    So here I am, day 2

    By Evelyn,

    Here I am. Day 2 and I'm not gonna blow myself up. Just gonna write where I bump into, what triggers me, what helps.... etc.
     
    I've found a big trigger. Which was already mentioned... Coffee, in my case too much coffee - I get all sparkly and hyper and my cravings become more intense. So - luckily I use instant coffee - I'm gonna be careful how strong I'm gonna make my coffee.
     
    I'm gonna quit the friggin gum (not NRT gum I quit CT) because my stomach is killing me. Ugh. I felt like chewing a whole package a day - but my stomach isn't liking it... so into the trash.
     
    In a year I want to be able to read back and say 'yeah I pulled it off', not by bluffing just by sticking with NOPE.
     
    Evelyn
  3. Evelyn
    ... of this pain, hurt, anger, tears. Sjeesh waiting for 4 hours now before my dinner meals will be delivered. I am done, pissed off. I crave a smoke and a booze. I won't I WILL NOT DO THAT!
     
    Okay afer sleeping in bed 2 hours and waking in midst of cravings I asked myself WHY?
     
    It's about hiding, not feeling; a natural response for your brain!!! To get out of it I had to realise I'm allowed to feel, crave but it won't help a silly thing if put myself back on day zero. So feel, jump, scream...
    I am free!!!
  4. Evelyn
    I decide to choose 'love life' and here and now. My therapist let me chose a 'here and now stone' which I can grab, feel, touch when I drift off to older, bad days. Hadn't seen him in 5 weeks... dreadfull weeks. He was awsome and guess what so was I!!!
    How close was I of exploding today, with my SOS; luckily I did it. That SOS saved my quit. I SAVED MY QUIT> my life!!!
     
    I am free to make my own choices, not every man is like the bad ones from my past. That person is gone, dust, a shadow nothing more or less then bad memories no longer able to hurt me: All lessons from today. I am stronger, litterally in my mind and written in ink on my wrists
     
    Sorry if this makes you depressed to read it ;/ just had a tough day but I cracked it ;)
     
    I am one tough, sweet couckie
     
    So lets kick-off the second week with the next song ! Amen

  5. Evelyn
    I just woke up. I'm pretty wakey wakey, going out for a social meeting thingy; dunno how to translate (hey it's 8in the morning huh!) and they will be puffing anf smoking and drinking strong coffee. I promissed myself one bottem of strong coffee and smoking wasn't even on my mind ;)
     
    Booze is NOT a good upper, Saz is right finally after a week I stabalise again. NO booze EVER again. Same rules with cigarettes; they have the same shitty affect....
     
    I have a cool dance music one, but I expect everyone from the USA is still in dreamland :P
     
    This is my sticky quit, one both accounts. Starting one, means starting the other. NOT an option EVER AGAIN.
     
    Newbies: also post when things lighten up ;) or read my post to hold on to
     
    (((hugss))) to all who need them
  6. Evelyn
    When you smoke, you don't care as long as you get your fix: but you do not care for your well being. In fact most smokers hate 'their habbit' but don't have a clue how to throw it out the window.
    There's a few things: 1- fear of quiting (withdrawls) 2- low self esteem and 3- no real commitment to stick with your decision to quit.
    You can get tons of advice about this on the forums and / or fwatch the video's from Joel Spitzer: https://www.youtube.com/user/joelspitz/videos and read, read on the forums and commit to NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF / NOT ONE PUFF EVER
    Low self esteem boy who hasn't have THAT? Nurter your soul, love and care for your body and with I post a video of Katy Perry's Uncondittionally... watch it and sing it to yourself, when you're sad, hurt, slammed to the ground by life. Because YOU ARE WORTH that YOU LOVE YOURSELF
    You can't love someone else if you don't care a shit about what happend to you... Care for YOU, because if you don't... who will take care for your kids when they need their mom / dad??? Taking time for yourself is healthy. So sing, playback, do kareoke in front of the mirror with the song. Words have power and settle in your heart


     
    Wouldn't this be wonderfull gift for yourself? Gaining freedom, by choice.
    It's up to you. I know what I choose for I commit to Never Take Another Puff / Not One Puff Ever
  7. Evelyn
    I am pleased. And I'm also going to be open, not for my sake but for those who struggle with mental health problems, various from anxiety to depression to borderline... I a proud. I am proud standing here with my almost 3 days on my ticker. Not that the quitng is a huge accomplishment... but quiting when you have to deal with anxiety, or in my case dissociation: I lost almost 2 months of time, variating from a day to 2 weeks. Finding myself smoking, on the ER, another hospitalisation on the mental health clinic or heavy drinking. There's also hope. CONTINUING smoking is NOT the solution-- I asked an adjustment in my medication and since Wedneysday I'm stabalising. Do NOT shy away, because you can't quit; YOU CAN!!! You darn CAN!!! I did it 16 months before I startled destabalising. BUT there's always hope on the end of a thunderstorm, suddenly rainbows can pop up, shinning thru your tears!!! And I'm one of those tough cookies, who's sweet enough to tell YOU, another tough cookie to stand up and start living a smokefree life. THAT is the first freedom, no excuse needed. Did I fail, stumble, felt ashamed hell yes... but I got up! And that's why I'm writting this: no one is helpless or lost...
    Alegria

  8. Evelyn
    I'm blowing up so angry. Dunno why. I'm angry at the anger...
    Hold on, rewind: Fresh start, new STICKY quit and so friggin irritated, angry, Joel says it's normal... Is it?
    Am I finally feeling? Am I human enough, no longer the weirdo-- the mental health 'one'.
     
    No, it's hormones, mix them with new medication, stick a new sticky quit in it: poof there's one big load of energy that needs to be out.
     
    I'll be here, often this time :) Angry or happy or sad, just to let of steam
  9. Evelyn
    I've read some stuff in the New Testament of the Bible and there's always the promise of Jesus forgiving you when you are sorry after a wrong step: last few days I read Jesaja and like often in the OT God punishes whole tribes and countries including Israël. Not once... but one after the other!
     
    I'm clearly not ready to read a lot in the OT because I seem to forget I'm Saved and instead I start feeling guilty and scared, like I did as a child.
     
    Is it the same God - Yes and Jesaja speaks prophesies about Jesus coming but I got stuck in the past, litterally the OT and my OLD life!
     
    I'm a non smoker, forgiven for smoking - I'm not one of those tribes in Jesaja. I have received New Life, through Jesus.
     
    And I know many struggle with the OT when you don't separate what you read from your life; you end up feeling guilty for everything. I've decided to skip the OT for a while and focus on the NT.
     
    I smoked and 10 years I caught myself in a vicious cyclus still I got a chance and I took it. A new Life. I'm focusing on being smokefree, participate in church and 'glow' as a Christian outside church.
     
    But all of this came from mercy.
     
    Last time when I smoked, something touched my heart when I prayed to kick off from nicotine and cigs. Mercy. And most of all the answered prayer of taking away this destructive and lying fact I needed nicotine to succeed.
     
    I grew the past months. I realize NOW that when I quit with a patch on, I never felt like I quit so why not smoke because I wanted to do it cold turkey. 10 freakin' years this game wend on and on. It became habit, a distraction to avoid feelings I was so 'busy quitting'!
     
    Now not a cloud in the sky. I call that mercy... did I have internal conversation the first 48 hours - yes but I did not gave in. Somehow I had the faith!
     
    My apologies to those who aren't that into religion or Christian faith. I felt I needed to share this blog post.
  10. Evelyn
    I had a WAY better 2014 then 2013 was and like us Dutch millpeeps do, we light fireworks and I believe me quiting without ANY other nicotine made me face my fear. I'm not very well with fears but I practically put 2 sugars in every senseo cup of tea and lived on high glucose levels the first 3 days and I did something I never pulled off before: I just quit. Stick with NOPE and had some conversations in my head especially the first 2 days but I broke the endless cycle of patches, smoking, patch on, off and smoking. FOR BLOODY ten years I did this.
    And I broke the cycles!
     
    To me this is HUGE! Because I had either a patch on, or puffing away. Earlier this year I tried it with support of my Nortrilen (anti-depressivant) but I wasn't ready yet and fell.
     
    I grew mentally since my Nortrilen is stabalised on 5 pills a day. I I learned how to cope with emotions, was no longer depressed and yes the occasionally flashback here and there came by but from all of this I learned. My therapist said some direct, bloody painful things to me and THAT turned the tables.
     
    I saw the world as one big danger; he said the biggest threat to you, are you. Emotions won't kill you, but attempting to make emotions go away CAN kill you. The first thing he said we overdosed on Nortrilen trying to escape a flashback. The second he is drilling me with.
     
    I have a choice, live in fear for the shadows from the past or choose to look into the future where I am FREE and Jesus has conquered and by that I am a winner too.
     
    I can choose to relapse, drown in self pity or sadness but your past will never improve by keep looking back; and do I have a plate of memories to process and recover from YES but I refuse to choose the easy way.
     
    I am a survivor from severe trauma and I write this because I know many struggle in the dark.
     
    But I REFUSE to listen to the lies of the past, and choose to THRIVE!
     
    I AM A NON-SMOKER, I KICK-ASS if needed, and I CHOOSE positivity over self destruction.
     
    And that's what I stand for.
  11. Evelyn

    Self for-filling prophecy.

    By Evelyn,

    I am doing what I always wanted to prove to myself; that I could quit without nicotine replacement - that's why my self for-filling prophecy came out... so I pulled of the patch when I closes in to going on without and smoked.
     
    3 cigarettes I smoked; they tasted horribly. I faced my biggest fear, continuing or better said quitting without nicotine replacements.
     
    I read Joel's article on low blood sugar the first 3 days and since my stomach gets heartburn' I use sugar in my tea. In one day and a halve I'm going to cut down on the sugar, but if I need it for I'd say a week I won't make it a huge problem.
     
    I'm discovering I CAN in act quit without nicotine. I even visited my smoking neighbor the first day. I said NOPE. I'm no longer going to avoid smokers. They smoke, I quit smoking and am an ex-smoker. I CHOOSE TO N.O.P.E.
     
    I 'relapsed' because I knew I would, I CHOOSE to pick up a cigarette. Like said all over the place its planned when you relapse. And it's true. Those 3 months we're fake still on a lifeline with nicotine.
     
    NOW I AM FREE, BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO (and somewhere I got the confidence I could pull pull it off)
     
    But I'm closing off my second day and am SO thankful for the strenght and mercy God has shown me and by that I grew in confidence.
     
    Those 3 months were like the little toddlers pool, where I sat and relaid on the nicotine to work. Now I threw myself in the deep. And you know what? It's not nearly as scary as I thought it would be.
  12. Evelyn
    This might be 'just an online forum', but today many have shown me they are more then online friends. Behind a screen yes, but without judgmental views or misunderstanding. They might not grasp all of me, but they accept me.
     
    This is one of the rarest forums where I've encounters such a thing.
     
    People judge you, how you dress, if you're fat or to thin, if you're on drugs.
     
    Instead of an 'get over it' respond, I received so many supportive replies when hit rock bottom today. Peptalk yes, but it kept me going. Something told me the majority of the members of this forum is worth to be trusted.
     
    I almost ran out for cigs, even thought of self injury and none of happen because people backed me up.
     
    I'm a fighter but sometimes I fight with myself. Looking in the mirror asking when the pain will end. But I did not pick up that razor and and called a friend, cried out loud. And you know what so many on the forums where right, the pain, the grief is there but not all the time - my little SOS topic made me realize I had to sit it out.
     
    And now I'm like a shinning star, sitting behind my desk - knowing I have friends... maybe far away behind a screen.
     
    And although all of it is my responsibility; lighting up a cig or cutting, it helps to know I have people backing me up.
     
    Because it means I'm not alone in my fight. They might be bystanders but they are are ready to advice me or give me virtual hug, a bump.
     
    If you think you make no difference, think again. You just did to me, today.
  13. Evelyn
    'No More' truth or dare: final quitdate 15 September 2016
     
    We wrote this on a blog about quit smoking, the members know we have DID.
     
    No more cigarettes. No more deceiving, no more lies. Oh boy have I fall for lies and deceivement, oh boy.
    Who lied most. The people who should have been my safe haven, they lied, hurt, abused, drank and lied again... they lied to blame ME, for what THEY did. I was the failure. I didn't do good enough. I was a bad girl (...) I no longer believe lies. I chose not to.
    Lies. They capture you and you're too strangled to realize you're stuck. If you are a survivor of abuse or incest, domestic violence... you've been wrapped in lies. It's all your fault, you made them do it?!
    WRONG! I was innocent, I look back and cry and know I am stronger then I've ever been before. I no longer follow lies, that are like a route on the floor: it's up to you, stay a victim, or become a survivor and take back your life and say. 'No more'.
    I was never bad. I NEVER asked for it! I wasn't a failure. I wasn't bullied because I was weak. it. I was struggling to stay alive, my whole life and look what happened to the oyster in that locked shell. It opened, and a beautiful pearl rolled out, all shinny knowing there's a world where other oysters are locked and pearls are being formed, they just need to do one thing.
    Stop believing the lies. Start believing in themselves. <3
    I did. I thrive, I no longer survive. I no longer repeat lies. I decided to be kind to myself. Look in the mirror, and who looked back, broke my heart. It was a little girl all torn apart who fell into pieces long ago. But guess what? The pieces still fit. Nothing got lost. No arm, no leg, no nose or limb is lost; because the pieces were her heart. And when I looked in that mirror that girl watched me look back and she saw a beautiful woman, who picked up the pieces, gathered them, nurtered them and hugged them; not one single precious piece was lost of that broken heart and the only way to heal... was to love and hug and put every piece together in the original place and LOVE it for it was meant to be. An innocent child. Again I looked the woman who looked back, was of worth and imaginable strength and courage love, for herself: if you don't love yourself and your broken pieces... how can you ever love someone else?
    The cracks in the mirror had disappeared. The heart of pieces in my hands was healing and is healing. It's soul was never broken, just the appearance, the look of the Heart.
    I was talking about myself, but there's many other broken hearts- who will turn into broken souls if they don't pick up their own broken pieces and start loving them.
    The lies... they come, but I never, ever; no longer obey... to those lies. And when I caught myself trapped I unwrap myself, or the piece of my heart that's trapped. And that's what you should do. Unwrap yourself of all the lies in your life and dip yourself in unconditional love for yourself. Because others refused to, or didn't.... makes it even more important to Love your Heart.... and the broken pieces of it that need healing. Time is on your side, when you start today.
     
    Now about quit smoking. I tried, I lied... I faked, I died inside... I was never quit. Until now. I still believed the lies, from the broken past, but also from the cigarette factories, that mythical One cigarette...I smoked, for weeks.
    Cursing my coughing lungs 'cancerlungs' for not able to inhale, the smoke, the cigarette I 'thought' I wanted. I never wanted it, I thought I needed it. Another lie unarmed. You don't need cigarettes.
    The truth is cigarettes kill, factories pay billions to sell and make money they killed for it. The government doesn't wanna ban cigarettes because it brings them money: Will they kill you? Will you let smokes kill you, will you keep believing in the lie? Another fact; the Nicotine Replacements are LIES! They keep you in withdrawls...
    I know I don't. No more lies.
    No More.
    Lies are Death insself in my eyes. The choice is up to you. Now may I say: truth or dare?
    Dare you unraffle lies, from your own thoughts, your own addiction, your own demons?
     
    Truth or dare.
    I chose truth and it started on 15 September 2016
    Dare you love yourself, dare you look in the mirror and pick up the broken pieces, dare you be someone who seeks the truth.
    The real truth. Because lies are sealed in beautiful wrappings. Don't buy them. Dare to say no to lies, dare to choose your freedom, on so many levels, and be the person you were meant to be.
     
    Rawr. We are back.
    To ALL lies, reply NOPE. Don't inhale lies, don't let them get in your head.No more.... NOT ONE PUFF EVER!
     
    #NoMore #truthordare #LoveWhoYouAre #LiesKill #Quittrain
     
    E.
  14. Evelyn

    Freedom

    By Evelyn,

    I'm free, I live in freedom from cigarettes or their substitutes Nicotine Replacement Therapy: a full 2 weeks without nicotine and NOW I know what it's like to not crave, crawl upon the ceiling for a cigarette, screw my quit because I'm in continues withdrawals from NRT. The poison left my body and all what's left is mental junkie thinking; don't buy it, don't use 'm as an excuse to puff just that óne!
     
    I could have snatched a cigarette and in the past I would have but not today: first time after New Years Eve I had therapy today and when I get outta cab I see someone lurking on a fag like it delicious.... I wonder did I look so desperate before too? A few minutes later (I'm 1 hour and 15 minutes too early) I watch my therapist go outside for his fix.
     
    He once said to me no more talk about quiting smoking you use it as an excuse not to feel, it's a distraction this cuclus of cigs and puffs. He also made very clear neither one of us would be able to live without cigarettes. I didn't tell him today after his fix, client and another 2 fixes that I'm FREE...
     
    Do I have my issues ow yea sure mostly mental after trauma but it didn't even cross my mind I wanted a smoke after therapy.If we talk about nicotine now I say I know what FREEDOM means:
     
    NOT ONE PUFF EVER

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