Wife lists 'utterly crap' mobile home on eBay after husband's drunken buying spree
By Jennifer Karmon2 hours agoSpaces
Is the upholstery free of stains? the seller was asked. Her answer: Assume not.
We know we're not done with human history yet, but we're going to go ahead and call it: This is the best eBay ad ever for a mobile home. Maybe the best eBay ad ever, period. And probably the best that will ever be.
At the time of this writing, bidding was already up to about 75,000 pounds, or about $115,000, with 133 bids — and it still has nine-plus days to go. We're not sure who's going to pay that, or why, but it's almost beside the point. (Bidders do realize their bids are legally binding, no?)
Children should stop reading now, because while it is funny, it is not kid-friendly. We've lightly censored the more vulgar terms with asterisks.
We've used links below to "footnote" British-to-American translations.
The headline is "S**thouse crap caravan - suitable for dogging / sordid affairs / murdering."
The listing text:
"Apparently I owned this utterly crap caravan for three weeks before actually setting eyes on it. My husband drunkenly bought it on Ebay, and neglected to mention that one day he’d taken the day off work and driven halfway across the country to pick it up, deposit it around the back of our office, and failed to declare it as technically a marital ‘asset’ until recently.
"Luckily, I’m the trusting type, and despite appearances I don’t think he bought it solely for the purpose of having a sordid extra-marital affair or taking up dogging, however as you might be able to see from the pictures, it would be PERFECT for both. Also pretty useful if you’re thinking of getting into murdering. I considered contacting the producers of The Fall to see if they wanted it for set dressing the next series - lets face it I’d sell my entire family for a chance to look upon Jamie Dornan with my real live eyes - but, well, life is short and ebay has been a good friend to me.
"Down to details - this caravan has four walls, a roof, wheels and an interior unmatched in modern times for what I like to call, shabby sh*t. When I discovered I / we now owned this abomination of a wheeled device, I briefly considered starting a fun project to convert it into something cool - covering it in glitter, wallpapering the walls with fur, doing demented Cath Kidston-esque upholstery and starting an ill advised business touring festivals selling tat etc. but I’ve got two children, a job, and an idiot husband to deal with and quite frankly, time is money so I’m not going to bother.
"That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t though. Think of the fun you could have in it whilst gazing out of the slightly tinted windows at rain-lashed Britain. Perhaps you could whittle a toilet for it out of the sad remains of your soul (there is a space for one). If I had a bigger garden (i.e. one where I couldn’t see this caravan) I’d let my children have it as a playhouse, but having been raised on an almost total visual diet of driftwood and White Company homewares I’m worried that they are simply far too middle class to tolerate the amount of beige laminate which makes up the interior. Nothing a few coats of paint wouldn’t fix, but like I said - ABSOLUTELY NOT to be undertaken by anyone with small children, better things to do, or indeed, any reliable form of social life.
"On the other hand, if you’re the kind of person who likes to bake an egg inside an avocado, eat 'clean', sew bunting, create endless ironic pinterest boards of favourite beards and/or breton tops then this could well be just the ticket to while away those spare hours.
"This apparently tows well, (although you will need a light board), does not leak, and quite frankly if you’re in the market for a shit caravan - this is the one for you!
"Cash on collection, viewings welcome, no sex pests or weirdos, no refunds, absolutely no forward rolls. Call 01604 696907 with any questions
"*EDIT - Free idiot husband for winning bidder
"** FURTHER EDIT - It has been brought to my attention that the "caravan" would also be suitable for use as a rolling meth lab.
"Apologies for the omission.
"Apologies to rolling meth lab workers offended by this omission."
If anything, the Q&A section is even funnier. Here are a few:
"Q: Does this come with a free Tetanus injection?
A: Woefully, not."
"Q: ..Just curious, what's that white powder stuff outside the door?
A: The powdered remains of my enemies"
"Q: Looking for a seedy cheap looking porn set. Can you confirm how many middle-aged moustached German men can be 'accommodated' comfortably and can you confirm that the brown interior is 1970's standard porn beige
A: I am afraid this caravan is MUCH TOO RICKETY to accomodate moustached German men. Danish, maybe. German - no."
"Q: Is your husband also responsible for the half arsed (I'm being generous) re-roofing project behind picture No. 1 ?
A: How rude. That is our house."
"Q: Do you have a buy it now price?
A: At current reckoning I'm considering letting it go for a a buy it now price of £100,000,000, plus a small tropical private island, personal account at Harrods and having my face burnished with solid gold. Let me know if you're still interested."
"Q: Hi, I have a suitably shite tow car I want to get rid of (broken and rusty) can we have your blokes details to dupe him into purchace please, its such a perfect combo.
A: I suspect he's probably already bidding on it."
"Q: Would it burn well ?
A: If the winning bidder gets a bit shy about their £65,900 commitment, then we shall see.....!"
"Q: I cannot believe you had the audacity to start the bidding at 99p - have you no shame?
A: Erm. Nope. I actually started the bidding at £150, but then revised the listing as was told it was wildly ambitious. Currently, the highest bid is £65,800 though, so who's laughing now mother hubbards???!"
"Q: What's the hubby look like?
A: Like the drunken owner of this caravan"
"Q: Hi. Do you have an equally shite car for sale to tow it? You know, one with stains of unknown / indescribable origin, old copies of the Sun jammed on the dashboard, underpants in the boot and go faster stripes?
A: Funny you should mention that - not only does my idiot husband secretly buy terrible caravans, he also has a penchant for buying more second hand cars than any family ever needs. I'm trying to persuade him to part with the BRIGHT BASTARD RED 80'S PORCHE he has as a 'spare' at the moment. The windscreen is so grubby when you sit in it it's like looking out into the actual past. Feel free to make an offer on that."
"Q: Any chance you can try before you buy? I know a sordid dog that needs a good dose of murder. Cheers!
A: I think someone already might have beaten you to that particular pastime in this vehicle by the looks of things"
"Q: Would this be suitable for an Exorcism e.g. wipe-clean surfaces?
A: Yup. Deffo."
"Q: Hi is the caravan suitable for cooking meth cheers
A: I would say so, but lots of the inside does look a bit flammable, so my advice would be to cook carefully."
"Q: If I buy it can I leave it parked at your place? I don't want the people here in the Welsh Valleys to think I'm showing off.
A: :-)"
"Q: Hi ok so my line of work involves wearing a ski mask and visiting camps in the woods. would you describe this as a stabby stabby kind of caravan or more of a slasher slasher kind of abode. The answer is really important so answer carefully considering i like to use more of the machete kind of killy wepon. Your Mr Voorhees The Lake America
A: Hmmmm. Both probably. I should point out that I in NO WAY endorse murdering as a hobby."
