Kris

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Here I go again, been really strugglng with the panic attacks. I hope it is just the holiay season and that we are all subject to the Covid panic and the fact that for now we should not be out and about. I have realized tonight that is not the only problem, the fact that I have quit smoking is not the problem. The problem is me again. I am tired of fighting it, that I have lost my husband, My Mom got so sick I could not care for here and keep her safe. My son, his fiance and her son were living here for 3 1/2 years, but they have married have their own home. I had to place my mother in care and then right after that our best family friend lost a leg below the knee. I brought him home here to take care of him until he recovered.That was about 3 months until he could go home. My Mom and the friend have both passed now. I have no purpose anymore. I have no one to take care of. I am alone all the time. I am scared all the time. I am just sick of trying to hold myself together. I am going to see my GP and let her know how bad it is right now.. I think I need to go into therapy again or I am going to have a breakdown. I have tried to handle this on my own and it is just not working. K Thanks for listening

I send a thank you to all three of you!! I am also grateful to everyone that takes the time to help everyone on the board. The struggle is real and we all would suffer without each other. I can't imagine trying to do this on my own with no one to to talk to. I know our main purpose here is to quit smoking but to have a connection here that we can share our happy days or sorrows keep us on the path no matter how hard it is. I think that makes all the difference.

NOPE

3. dog treats

I was sick before I quit and lost about 30 pounds, I am more than happy to say I have gained it all back. Funny how carrying around forty years of smoke weighs so much more than 30 pounds. I feel physically better now than I have in along time. K

Tony, sorry about that. I was not sure how to answer your question about Christmas. I can tell you are still grieving the loss of your wife. I wanted to be truthful in my answer but I did not want to say things that would cause you further pain. I feel bad that I don't know how to help you. What I normally do is decorate the house, do lots of cooking and baking. Used to spend a lot of time shopping.trying to find the right thing for everyone. We would go to a lot of parties, We would be at his folks every Sunday so my husband could watch football with hiis Dad. We got married when we were 20 years old, we were married for 31 years and 3 weeks at the time of his death. The only thing I can tell you is she would be proud that you made the decision to quit smoking. Is it easy, no, but she would want you take care of yourself. If we have survived losing them you would think this would be easy. I am six months in and it is still hard. The people you talk to here understand how hard it is to quit. They give me strength and courage everyday to keep going, they will help you. Just have faith, we have to get thru the holidays and I expect to be challenged. I also expect to be in charge, I will not smoke and you won't either.

I hate to tell you but I really don't celebrate Christmas anymore. My husband passed in December and I lost his Mom 8 days later, so I get pretty sad this time of year. I lost my Mom in 2019 and my best friend in 2020. My son is married with a family of his own. I usually see them at Christmas time but last year my DIL Dad got very ill right before christmas and passed on New Years Eve. My DIL tested positive for Covid a few days ago, they are all in quarantine. My son is getting tested again today. The truth of it is we are all different and very much the same, some are outgoing and some like me are introverts. Neither one is bad, I used to be outgoing, now I prefer to be at home. K

@Linda I am doing fine considering what is now my life and I know you can relate to the struggles we both face. I am concerned about you and your health. I just had all my check ups, everything good, just normal getting old stuff. Have you been feeling physically unwell? Please feel free to send me a private message if you need some extra support. K

Tony, I feel your pain! I am facing my 11th Christmas with out my husband. I lost him after a five year fight with cancer. The sad truth is that some people think we should be over it after a year. That is not the case, you need to greive as long as you need. There is nothing wrong in the fact you still miss her. There is nothing wrong with the fact you struggle still. Most of all your should all your fellow widowers and widows get it. It is always harder at holiday time, she would not want you to be so unhappy but we know we can't change how we feel. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better but I can't, we just have to take it a day at a time. Talk to your family and friends and let them know you need some extra support now.

Good Morning Linda, I am okay. You know me, I have these bouts of insomnia that I ust can't explain. It is not my favorite thing when I get like this. I have ambien the doctor just gave me, it works great once I can get to sleep but does not seem to help me fall asleep. Looks like I need to go in and see the doc again. I am so confused about this. There was a time when people asked me what are your hobbies, normally I would say reading and sleeping. I can't seem to either anymore. I hope everything is good for you,, the holidays can be hard even without the covid worry. What is happening there, what are your plans for Christmas? Are you going to just stay home with your furbaby? That is my plan for now.

I am a nope but I must say @notsmokinjo I wondered about Happy Gravy Day. You know the drill, went to the google. I did not listen to the song but I have always (almost) known the importance of gravy. I was married at 20, that first week I cooked a dinner that included mashed potatoes. I worked hard to make that dinner. I made a plate for my new husband and placed it on the table. " This looks great, Honey" where is the gravy? Apparently, mashed potatoes were never served without gravy in his mother's house. It never happened again. My husband's whole family was obessed with gravy. At every holiday meal, the boys were in the kitchen like little chicks. Mom are you sure you made enough? That does not look like enough. When dinner was served they were like wild animals fighting over the gravy bowl. All of them, you took to much, give me the bowl, it is my turn, pass it this way. Well, I have always known how to make gravy, if you are a girl in the south, you knew how to make gravy. Sausage gravy over biscuits, brown gravy over roast beef, cream gravy for fried chicken and chicken fried steak. I just did not realize how important gravy was. After I demonstrated this skill, I knew I would never have marital problems. You can solve every problem with a good bowl of gravy and something else..... K

@Gus Glad you are getting a well deserved break. Yep, do still not go out much. Holidays kinda in a holding pattern, DIL has covid, so they are in quaratine. Son was negative a couple of days ago but now not feeling good, scratchy throat and losing his voice earlier today. Going to get a retest today. I am good, just want them to be good too! Happy Holidays to you and yours!!

@GusI guess you are up early and I am up late. If I remember correctly, you work at a school and now are at Christmas break. That is such a gift to the people that work in education, to have a long Christmas break, at least I always thought it would be a great job to have. I hope you and your loved ones are all well this holiday season. K

@Boo Who are you and how do you know so much about so much. I just danced with my husband. Him in a tux and me in a white and silver ballgown with a full skirt so the lights could sparkle as I turned. The unusual thing about it, my husband did not dance, he has been in heaven these last 11 christmases and I have never worn a ballgown. But I did tonight thanks to you! K

Hi @TONY Welcome, glad you found the site and you will glad you have. I found it about a week in to my quit. I am now six months in and could have not done it without the people on this site. They have been supportive, encouraging, helpful and constant. I can come here day or night and find someone here to help. They (I) only want the best for you. You are doing great but you must be prepared for what may sneak up on you. Please go through old threads that will give you strenth and inspiration to keep going! Talk with you soon. K

@Mac#23 Merry Christmas to you and everyone you love!

My son tested negative yesterday but this afternoon is losing his voice and having scratchy throat, going for another test tomorrow. DIL still sick but not bad. From stuff I have seen on the net, you could test negative in the morning and be positive by the afternoon. My son was going to come over tomorrow but in light of everything he is hearing and the fact he is having throat issues he is not coming. I am glad I got out today for my booster and restock of food for me and the dogs. I would say if you do not have to be out do not, if you can order in what you need do that. As much as I hate to say it you should think about not planning any get togethers for the holidays. So many of us have underlying health issues that could make us so sick if we got covid. I am a little freaked because my son has allergy related asthma and this is a bad time for him already. Will update, can anyone else share what is happening where they are

I can't remeber if I had a smoking dream right now but the last couple of nights I have had dreams of my youth that included all the people I have lost. They were good dreams not nightmares, maybe a gift from them I am doing well

It is no surprise to me, you have done great with your quit so it only follows you would do well with your workouts. I hope to someday tackle that too!

So happy for you!! Hope I reach the stars too!

Thanks to all, could not have made it without you. Today of all days, I thought I real need to get a smoke. Stupid Huh! Did not do it. I ventured out today, covid booster, had an appointment but the place was overbooked, did get it done. Went to the grocery, wanted to get stocked up with everything needed to the new year. Did not realize everyone else had the same idea, it was a madhouse but I got it done. With a stop at customer service, charged me twice for one item and did not give me the sale price on four others. Pocketed the refund with a smile and let them know this happens all the time and I catch it all the time. Would they want the older people in their lives taken advantage of. Went to the happy liquid store, that was okay but for the big truck that parked right next to me and I mean next to me. What did he do, look in the store and see the fluffy lady, yeah, that this is her car and I am going to park 6 inches close of her drivers side. I will not be ashamed that I like pizza and ice cream. I went straight to the passenger side, thru in the booze, put my big butt in the air and crawled over to the drivers side with a big smile on my face. Last stop, lookng forward to it, visit to the animal shelter with food donations and damned if they had'nt moved it. Back home, looked up where they are now and will take it tomorrow..so have a Meowie Christmas and a Barkless New Year. Be careful out there, sabotage awaits!!

OOOH, those memories and now we struggle to get to the bathroom. It went by so fast, did not seem like it at the time but looking back we woke up one morning, able to join AARP, retire and go on medicare. All I can say is WTF! I kept telling my son these are your glory years so pay attention and enjoy before the real adulting begins. Well he is adulting now and finding it not as easy as he thought it was going to be. What did he think his Dad and I were doing all those years...flying off to the south of France on our jet. No, we were going to the market shopping food sales, coming up with the money for soccer, private trumpet lessons, paying for school trips, paying the cost for his braces. We would have sold a kidney for that kid. Now he really gets it as his friends have college loans to pay off but he does not because we always planned and saved for his college.Hopefully we taught him well so he will do okay.

I wrecked many but not the pinto