Fluffyyellowduck

This is Ben. He is about over a year old. He is snuggling up to me right now while I work on some things. He is a huge attention hog. He demands a lot of love.

I thought about it for a while and I decided I deleted my other accounts (Skype, YouTube, or whatever!) but I'll keep this one open and stay. It gives me peace of mind to unplug every once in a while. But I'll stay here That makes ya'll my special lil' cupcakes

doing a lot of deep breathing, crocheting a sweater and watching old Rickie Lake and Jenny Jones makeover episodes because I still live in 1994

I will try and if I need to I can come back at any time. I'll still have WiFi, but in the worst case I can set up notifications and those emails get sent to my flip phone so I'll still be a little bit close I can check in, too.

Thank you! I think today is actually the hardest day for me because it is the end of the year. That is disappointing for me. I expect better things by the end. I can't really explain it, but I'm pushing through it as much as I can and then I'll let it end and get pizza, and then I might take a break from the internet for a while. I'll probably come back. I woke up every hour last night just thinking that I should just smoke but I cried all the night through instead and didn't.

This is Ayn now. (Eye-en) She is probably three weeks old. She was named Ayn because the Finnish baby name thing told me it meant "the only one." It probably lied to me but since she was the only one of the litter (and yes I'm 100% positive) she was named Ayn. She ended up with grey ears, paws, and tail but she is the cutest fluff ball. Sometimes the mother could lose interest with a single litter, but actually the mother has been awesome and has been bringing me Ayn to babysit from the beginning. She shoves her under my armpit when I'm laying down so she can get her breakfast and do her thing, and then she'll come back to snuggle with baby Ayn and me.

Haha! Thanks, @Boo! My patience was just tested for about the last hour. Fire alarm goes off. Happens at least 2-3 times a year. For some reason the kids around here are notorious for pulling the alarm. (lack of supervision, I guess) Well I still gotta get out. So my 4'11 body/98 lb body has to haul out two kids, a german shepherd, and six cats within a couple minutes to sit outside on the curb until the problem goes away. I don't make it. I get three cats. I have no idea where the others are but I can't very well let my kids hang outside alone with my neighbors (because I don't trust nobody and I'm not taken my chances!) My neighbors are out and they start telling me "Someone pulled the alarm ahain." Well, when someone pulls the alarm it usually stops in a couple of minutes but it continued. So at this point I'm panicking about all of the things I have to manage, the three cats I didn't get. Eventually the manager comes and lets me know, "Fire department said it's clear. It's okay." BUT IT STILL WAS GOING. You can't just take in a bunch of animals into a room with a screeching alarms they'll freak out. So I kept waiting, along with everyone else, and eventually the fireman himself told me "Sorry just trying to find the right key" and so FINALLY AFTER 30 MINUTES, with my farm on the curb, it finally shut off. I got tight chest and I knew my quit was being tested but I stuck to it. On an awkward note... I went back out to take out the trash and I realized that people had been looking at me odd. (Except my neighbors who stop by to say something every now and then.) Then I realized.. I was wearing pants outside because it was an emergency. Now I'm basically an anabaptist and I look like a Mennonite but I always thought I was being a little bit sneaky about it by removing my covering before I went out to smoke (cause of the shame) and now I just went out there as a normal lookin' person with straight pants, boots, and a wool cardigan and crazy long hair all over the place. You ever see those videos where the baby is all happy about seeing their daddy and then daddy shaves their beard and then baby is wide-eyed and freaked out? That happened.

Sounds like a great plan, Doreen! I had B12 deficient anemia and it took me a long time to get to get better. I'm only 33 and if I wanted to work out I was stuck on doing sitting down/senior's workouts and still got winded! Now I'm well enough to get back in shape. The next step for me is gaining weight, doing the strength training, taking that multivitamin, and drinking plenty of water. Might even invest in some Ensure drinks.

Yes it does! Mine are 7, almost 12, and 16. The best advice anyone can offer you is to lock up all your permanent markers and maybe sure that pens are never accessible.

What's the next thing for you? What do you plan on working on in your life? What's the big next improvement

Day 3 = DONE. i am going to reward myself with 20 minutes of nobody around me and a melatonin to knock me out thank you guys! I couldn't have done it without you seriously i've been trying to quit for a while and never really made any progress at all Like at all

Started a planned program today. 10 Lunges 10 Lunge Step-Ups 10 Squats 10 Slow Climbers 3 Sets

You know, I have had never had a punching pillow. I've had a few screaming-into pillows and more recently the-write-a-letter-and-flush-it-down-the-toilet pillows, but maybe I could use a good punching pillow. I ended up just going back to bed and saying I'm not doing today and I think if I do that just for today it will be fine. I don't have anything big that has to be done today anyway. But come to think of it @Mee you're right and while I don't consider myself a really anxious person except during severely traumatic situations (which I was in last week) and during withdrawals, it did occur to me that I hadn't taken my progesterone cream this morning that might have something to do with it so I will need to do that. That stuff is amazing. I will practice some positive thinking too.

I am doing alright for the third day (I've been up since 6:30 AM doing chores) except that I was cleaning the bathroom until my brain immediately switched from "Let's clean the sink" to "Remember these old ancient feelings we haven't paid attention to in a really long time and were over? well they're all back now" and then I'd get like a glimpse or a flash or something and I'd have that old feeling connected to that event. And then there's other times that I've noticed from previous withdrawals (though not for extended periods of time) where I'd be working on something quietly to myself and then all of a sudden I start remembering horrible things said to me as far back as 15 years ago and becoming furious and angry while thinking of 1,000 responses that I should have said or how much I'd like to tell that person off. Most of the time I apologized for me being wrong for no reason when I was in the right most of the time or my apology was unneccessary but out of courtesy or wanting to make amends, and then I had to accept their "It's ok" even though no, you know what, no it's not ok, you were actually in the wrong and you didn't apologize at all. then i'm like FINE that's great I apologized again for no reason and you still think you're off scott free im still angry So how do you manage the anger thing?

Just updating that I made it through Day 2. I only plan on updating up to Day 3, I promise. It makes me feel better. Not really feeling much in the way of withdrawals. Also feel much, much cleaner. Ate entire bowl of Lucky Charms after dinner, proudly, and determined that the marshmallows in the name brand are much more vibrant than the marshmallows in the off brands.