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darcy

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  1. darcy

    16 November ~ grateful to be free

    By darcy,


    blog general
    Hello Folks,
    It's been awhile since I stopped by.      I am feeling wacky and grateful these days.   I had a serious lapse of reason last month sometime.  
    Bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked one.    One of those wildly effed up moments when it makes sense to just make things worse.        Turns out I don't smoke.   It was awful and I smoked less than half the cigarette.  Gratefully, my husband had already tossed the pack.
    Have not thought much about it since.  Wondering if I will hold on to my freedom in the future.
    Building a solid quit takes commitment to nope.  Maybe I am not always committed.  Haven't changed my ticker....  maybe I will.
    At any rate... pretty sure I discovered I don't smoke.    Have no desire to at the moment.   
     
    Hoping you all are finding your way in freedom and having much laughter and love in your lives.
     
     

     
     
  2. darcy
    hoping to stick to the boards for the next few days. 
    having oral surgery mid day tomorrow. losing chewing surfaces on one side and do not know how/when I will be able to replace ...or even if possible.  deeply regretful about some of my life choices and having a hard time being in acceptance around the consequences of my choices.
    getting married in a monthish.  never thought I would and it's kind of weirding me out.  RoLlERcOaStErInG....VERY high or VERY low.....very much going for even keeled. lol.
    breathe ... and again.
     
    HUGE old behavioral push to go get cigarettes and caffine filled soda to work through some items that need doing.   What a maroon! 
     
    grateful that.....
    I get to and have been spending time with people I care deeply about
    lake is there for humidity break....instant attitude adjustment  (if only I go do it....)
    my marvelous man loves me and wants to be with me even at my worst
    I learn
    I am able and wiling to do things differently
    I have the gift of helth
    people I hold dear have the gift of health
    my survival needs are fully met
    my thrivival needs are manily met
    I am FREE from nicotine slavery
     
     
     
  3. darcy
    Hello Fabulous QT Riders,
     
    Just bopping by to say how awesome smoke free life is.
     
    I rarely think about smoking.  Would not have imagined that was possible 5 months and 23 days ago.  AMAZED at how quickly life rolls on without what I once considered REQUIRED. I can barely recall what it was like to arrange my day around the cigarettes. I now sleep later and wake up with zero sense of urgency to feed the addiction.  WOOO HOOO!
    I have been increasing my activity levels ... walking daily with my cat, practicing yoga/qi gong, biking uphill!
    May have added some weight.  I do not have a scale , so not sure.  Getting a handle on using food to manage emotion...yay!  Placing awareness and intention on healthy habits.....and being deeply grateful for all the blessings, gifts, wonders and delights life offers!
    If you are reading this....thanks for being here adding to the collective healing....reading, writing, lurking.....it all works to getting us FREE!
     
    Anyone have suggestions for wedding bride entry music?   absolutely non traditional.....maybe instrumental....funny would good.  Can not be mnamna because one of my best friends already did that!
     

     
    featured photo is a baby muskrat
     
     

  4. darcy

    27 September - here i am

    By darcy,


    blog general
    Hello Quit Train Riders,
     
    Just a momentary pause to say I am still on the train.   Over 6 months, $2K dollars and 3k cigarettes away from slavery.  Sailing through the highs and lows with very few thoughts of smoking at all.  Had a momentary major desire for a smoke earlier today and just looked at it and wondered, what the heck is this?
     
    Oral surgery went....safely. 
     
    Am deeply grateful for:
    acres and acres to roam in glorious autumn
    opportunities to work
    the gift of health - for myself and so many I hold dear, and you dear reader!
    relationships that nourish my heart, soul, mind and body
    skills and habits that co create harmony and laughter filled beings and environments
    the beautiful wedding to my marvelous man
    my delightful cats and their happy  days and nights
    fit, flexible  fully functioning body because I do and contribute easily in comfort and grace
    knowing things change....and I will smile and be light of heart again
     
    hope your day is easy and laughter filled.
     

     
     
  5. darcy
    Well,...
    seat still warm on the train, yet I seem headed toward the exit sign at this station.
     
    Lonely amidst a group that love me  ~ a familiar feeling.
     
    A lifetime ...well 37 years, of poor or rudimentary skills at dealing with discord and BIG feelings have left me adrift over the last few days.  Not surprised...no one waves a magic wand , or puts out the smoke, and magically fills the 'space' with graceful replacements....or maybe they do and it is just me.
     
     
    anyway not much of light and hope to say....
     
    still here...hurray!.
     

  6. darcy
    Just stopped by to learn, connect and share a bit.
    Best of everything to Boo.  May your adventures bring many belly laughs and your love overflow and change the world!
     
    Quick acknowledgment of the gratitude for my non smoking life.....
    LOVING every minute of not arranging life around smoking
    grandkids coming to stay for a month...won't even have to THINK about what I am role modeling by smoking  because I DON'T SMOKE!!!  much laughter aloud at that truism....YAY
    my marvelous man is deeply grateful I am Free!
    I do not give a single thought to how I might smell when in public (although I am not often in public)
    I am wheeze free in breathing
    I choose where to sit and what to do not caring if people an see me or I am polluting their space...because I do not smoke
    I am more active and sometimes have more energy
    conscious and aware of cultivating true health and healing....step are taken...2 forward, 1 back and loop around the floor
    Quit Train and the dedicated people here .... THANK YOU for your giving and continuity....makes a world of change possible
    my life is truly being lived beyond my wildest dreams in many arenas... thank you, thank you, thank you...
     
    I have people coming to stay that are smokers.  I've got this. I  AM FREE!!  
     
     
  7. darcy
    Hello Fabulous Quit Train People,
     
    It has been awhile since I was here on the boards.                The last 3 hours have been a wreck of smokey thoughts and intentions.                      Grateful I chose to come visit here before grabbing my keys and heading out.                Haven't gotten myself off the ledge yet and am certain I will get off it before relapsing.
    The intensity doesn't surprise me. I know who I am. 
    Sad that I am having the "same old , same old"  response to predictably the same old, same old ire raising situations.                   Yet, again, I know who I am.   Or do I?            
    Perhaps this urge is responsive/reactive to the myriad of BIG FEELINGS and stressful circumstances being experienced.    Collective experiences of 2020 ...living just outside the Twin Cities... navigating life and loving in "the after times" of Covid-19 presence.    Or perhaps, and likely, it is my long standing programming to choose harm to myself when I am "over" (whelmed, hungry, angry, lonely, tied, hot, ashamed, feeling powerless, etc....)
     
    Need to hold space for allowing the new.   Past behavior is only a predictor until it isn't, ...and something changes.      Think I picked up that delightful tidbit here on the train.
    Came and read several pages of "pre respond to your S.O.S.".        Including both of my own posts there.    having salad and sharing my ticker stats with my marvelous man.   grateful I will make it through this day as a non smoker.   
    I know I am one crappy decision away from a lifetime of continued misery.
     
    Keeping gratitude in the forefront.....
    will get to see my dad in person this Autumn.
    likely going to marry my marvelous man while my dad visits....bit of a late bloomer on the "traditional social norm" scene...grateful for THAT, too!
    Got to float through the lake reeds listening to a pair of loons
    garden is growing and exciting to watch and eat
    I have nourishing relationships and environments
    I am a nonsmoker
    a doe and her to spotted fawns are a daily delight to see
    I am enjoying kayaking, canoeing and just sitting lakeside listening and watching
    the gift of health is keeping me living easily
    My needs are met fully and richly...many wants, too
    I have over $800 because I do not smoke
    Quit Train exists and is filled with fabulous support and great information
    .....so much more to be grateful for , too.........
     
     
    looks like I made it through this addiction dance....
     

     
     
  8. darcy
    Hello Fabulous Quit Train People,
     
    Have been quite busy with navigating guests in my home who do not share beliefs around covid concerns.  Glad to have (sort of, not really...) found a way to be okay with sharing close space and being with the people I hold deeply dear. 
    More urgent smokey thoughts in the last few days than I have experienced in awhile.  Just acknowledging the thought, announcing "I don't smoke", and moving on to the next activity.  Still surprised when I spend any time thinking about it...that I am a nonsmoker.
    Still wondering...am I solid enough to change my patterns when the worst storms hit?  
    Deeply enjoying gardening and learning to play pinochle.  Made the BEST lemon cookies ever last week.  Have been visiting the fledging owls (2) daily for more than a week. So beautiful.  Grateful for my health and the health of those I love.  Grateful to have resources and abundance of interesting and fulfilling opportunities.   Grateful that at this juncture I do not spend much brain power or time on smoking.
     
    Hoping you are finding your way joyfully on the train. Reach out, post and share - struggling or easy street. People here will support your quit. You got this. 
    I got this!  38 year smoker....2 months plus smoke free!
     

     
  9. darcy
    Feeling much lighter of heart and head the last few days.  Grateful to be able to ride out the emotional  downs without being a slave to nicotine addiction. Yipee!  Close call sometimes.
     
    For the most part I don't think much about smoking at all.  When the urge hits to smoke it is either light and easy to bat away, or all consuming and demanding action.  Through whatever  grace I am free of nicotine (38 ish years a slave...no more) and trucking on.  Not saying there are not other  things that need tending and healing, and very grateful for the relative ease of releasing this addiction I no longer need.
     
    Enjoying the spring dazzle of greens.  Enjoying walks with the cat and seeing, seemingly, right before my eyes the leafing out of the trees.  No kidding...we walk our mile loop and the trees we pass on the return appear to have even more leaves.  Delightful.
    Hoping to get a person powered boat on the water this weekend.   Pretty windy at the moment.
    Not sure what to look forward to these days. 
     
    Staying grateful for:
    the amazing life I am leading
    relationships that evolve and remain and nourish and sustain...and ones that seem stuck, so I can have the opportunity to show up with compassion, love and hope
    me and the things I learn, choose and give
    my marvelous man...a rare gift from a one of my dearest friends...in weird way
    laughter and long standing jokes with people who share my bents
    health of those I hold dear because they thrive in place, me, too
    BEing Free from nicotine ...  coming soon to my body and brain... FREEDOM from sugar and caffine
    ART - am really loving the Getty Museum stay at home challenge  ...just search for images of Getty museum challenge, jut squirreled up that clicking tree for a few minutes and am laughing out loud
    my phone....it is how I am connected to people  I love and their voices...so nice to hear
    hope because I believe things change and there is ever more wellness and wonderfulness flowing
     
     
     
        Rolling along....                
     
     
     
     
     
  10. darcy

    4 May

    By darcy,

    Thought about smoking, in a non-urgent barely considering it a smokey thought, for the first time today about 5 minutes ago. 
    I am amazed, grateful, proud? (ooo, don't say that, not pride....), still hesitant to have faith and LIVING smoke free none the less.  
    Had someone told me 2 months ago that I would have this experience in the next two moths  I would have negated their reality with no hesitation. Denied the possibility with every fiber of my self knowing.  Hardly ever have I  been this grateful to have been potentially wrong.
    I am a nonsmoker.
    Feel like there needs to be some shoring up , some preparing for some unknown future where I will want to smoke and will give my power away, again.  Really want to keep this quit for the rest of this life.
    I think about the things I have read on this site.
    The crave or smokey thought only has the power we give it.  ~ this is s tough one for me...
    NOPE ~ this is an easy one for me. I am an addict. Nicotine is a drug.  Lighting up is the choice of addiction and killing myself one breath at a time.
     
    Meanwhile, I am enjoying spring.
    Looking forward to my mom coming back from Arizona and concerned about her traveling.
    Still need to make a plan for dentist.  Been utilizing vitamin I (what we call ibuprofen in our house) way more than I want to...and  grateful for the management of pain.
    Playing around with gardening and painting and exercising....play is good for my brain and spirits.
     
    Hoping as things evolve in the next few seasons there will be work for me (I part time teach, but not in permanent position) doing something fun and creative.
     
    Hoping if you are reading this you are having a day filled with smiles and wonder. 
     
                                      and                              
     
     
    until the next blog entry....here is a creative choreography gif

     
     
     
     
  11. darcy
    Hola Folks,
     
      Posting because I said I would... and I am only as good as my word (judgement noted).   Warning...my head is not always screwed on straight enough for many folks.  Will go back and reread this blog after posting....maybe I have said something that will be of help to myself. 
     
    Having an unusually (why the qualifier?)  challenging  time the last week or so. 
                                                                               
                                                                             Understanding addiction, understanding trauma, understanding patterns...  all the knowledge and education I have seem useless.
     
    Power and powerlessness. 
    Keeping and using power for the benefit and nurturing of self...  Can be an incredibly daunting (perhaps unwanted?~say it isn't so) process when a lifetime of conditioning has created a survivor's behavioral pattern that is seriously messed up (more judgement) from any perspective in which It was not created.  rescuing-victimized-persecuting-providing-surviving   sometimes many behaviors/thoughts in one mere moment, or breath, or blink of an eye.  
                              I am aware of my propensity to perceive myself as unworthy, undeserving, unable. I am aware that these perceptions are flawed and likely lies.  There are situations and times where I am so completely lost to my inner real self that it seems I intentionally disconnect and choose harm (smoking for many years and currently eating).  
            GIVING away my power.    rollover, show your belly = give up     This is a choice~ conscious or unconscious...THIS IS A CHOICE.
                
       I "woke up" to what I have chosen (and have been choosing for longer than I can pin point) for my body, mind and heart..... and realized, again, ....that coping and thriving are not in the same hemisphere. 
     
     
                                                 Well, well, well, If it isn't the consequences of my own actions...                         (stolen from a fb thing I saw)
     
    Having difficulty finding the place where the beliefs that support my dreams reside and where the gumption, guts, and can do attitude have gone.
     
    Hoping YOU are having a miracle and gratitude filled day.  All manner of wonderful things to you.   
           
     
     
    Okay, upon review of the blog...I haven't provided myself with much in the wayof  re-acquaintance or new insight.  YOU my lovely Quit Train people have utilized the comments to provide me with seeing  the journey in new ways and tons of encouragement.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.
     
    I would like to keep this quit.
    Just need to keep doing what was working in the start.
    Keep close to QT, gratitude, be active.
    I am somehow afraid to use the SOS system.   Have talked myself out of it a few times.  What's up with that?  self sabotage?   Have reviewed the  handy red flag remedy...think again, get right with myself, call an ally, post an S.O.S. and am finding I choose not to do anything on the list. 
     
    grateful to be on the train   even if I am feeling like this,
     
     
    when I know it is like  
     
  12. darcy
    Been a long week since I touched base here.   Still on the train. 
    Had a few times where I almost (purse in hand and headed for the car) went to buy cigarettes, ended up doing something different. 
            Turns out I seem to be an awful bitch...didn't realize how often I used a cigarette to stop myself from speaking.  lol, or cry.   Course, I am used to being of service to my community and working some, so perhaps (I hope) the bitchiness isn't entirely the real me under the addiction.... and may be related to the changes the world is going through.  Still, like to think I'd show up as a kinder, wiser, more giving human.  nope....in all ways.
     
            Been away from the boards due to my pessimistic bent.   The QT is a wonderful place for support and commitment....an a poor place for powerlessness and commitment ambiguity.
     
    Excited about spring and gardening. Got to drive the tractor (maybe the 2nd time I have driven one) to go get the mulch for the flower beds.  Fun riding up high in the spring sun.   Even more fun mulching with the tractor bucket....talk about easy!   Killed my tomato sprouts by putting them out too long in the spring air.   Live and learn.     I hope.
     
                                                                                I am uncertain about my quit.  There continues to be the feeling that it is temporary.  Junkie thoughts, yes I hear them.
     
                                 It has been true that I am committed to little in this world and may lack some inherent ability, desire or just plain          integrity          to truly be dedicated to anything, least of all myself and loving myself. 
     
    I just keep hearing these doubts circling...sometimes very vaguely, other times 'get the keys we're going cuz you know you smoke'. 
     
    I recently went through several nights of horrible dreams related to past painful events, awakening scared, heart hammering, angry and crying. 
    Still FREE today.  For that I am grateful.
     
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     dancing in the dark
  13. darcy

    13 April

    By darcy,

    It has been over a month of FREEDOM.          I am grateful for the quit.       Been pondering commitment and lack of it.          Been pondering the ways I have hidden. 
                                     Been less than pondering the many ways I have healed and moved forward, co-created incredible things and journeyed with some incredible souls.   Be useful to spend some time pondering those things.
    Giant thank you to:
    Sazerac
    Jillar
    Forestgreen
    Jordan                                     
    Doreen                      the companionship, words and resources  bring much hope.   Again, thank you.     ...and all the people on the train who chime in and show up.  Thank you!!
     
                                                                                   
     
     
     
    So the last few days I have been "off".   Mostly don't even think about smoking,  until....  a small crave here and there.  Too tired...a crave.  Stressed a crave....  find I am doing just what I did when I did smoked. Distract myself from whatever the situation is with the next thing.  
     
      Likely healthier and sturdier to examine what is going on and meet the underlying need, yet habit is habit and I distract.     so easy to toss off the important stuff....
     
    Had a HUGE short, with small intense after squalls, cigarette tantrum yesterday.  I was stowing winter gear.  Checked the pocket of a dress coat and found an almost full pack and a lighter.  Was already befuddled and discontent with several things and my responses to them.  Tossed the pack and lighter aside and continued stowing things as I loudly declared, " Are you fing serious?"  My eyes were drawn to the familiar pack, repeatedly. Just the feeling of the pack in my hand as I had pulled them from the pocket was seductive and familiar and  deadly.  Luckily for me, my guy was here too. He heard me from across the house and came to investigate.  He took them and broke them and flushed them.  I did go find him once I was done with the box I was stowing and asked for the pack.   Luckily they were already gone.  
    So back to that commitment ponderance,   again.    Still on the train.   Grateful for the quit.   Hope this sticky quit is real.
     
     
     

     
     
  15. darcy

    8 April

    By darcy,

    Here I am.   Experiencing one of the less than  optimistic periods.      Hoping it is short lived.   Having a "channel 19" (read no news today) break.
     
     
    Will likely NEED to attend to my tooth concern with professional care.  Grateful for the blood flow,  grateful for tools to provide oral care.  My dentist in the previous state had hoped I would get 5 yeas out of this tooth.  Coming up on 2.5, so hey, a good run for a former smoker.     Concerned as I had put off finding a dentist in this new state (while getting hooked up to new insurance) and now will be looking for care during these covid-19 times.  Grateful in advance for finding the perfect dentist at the perfect time.
     
    Had a wild few moments earlier today where my addiction roared and drove me.  Luckily it drove me into the woods with the cat vs into the car to the store.  Really could've gone either way.   It passed. 
     
    Commitment     to  
                                                   myself                         nope                   life                nope                hope                  nope         
                                                                                                                                                                                                                really don't care for how that reads....   could be true.
     
             commitment to 
             writing something here daily-ish
             talking to my mom daily
             caring for my cats ongoing              
     
    sometimes it just seems so heavy, and i feel so used up....or never was....or never learned.....and hindsight is great, and sadness for what was~is wraps around the heart and squeezes like a constrictor...       
     
    Any way...will end this vomiting of ick  and dance                                                                
          
     
     
     
  16. darcy

    7 April

    By darcy,

    Another day on the train.  Woo Hoo!                       Sometimes I remember I don't smoke and am surprised.
     
    Still getting the occasional expected and occasional unexpected craving.  Barely, evening NOPEing myself.   Just moving along to the next thought.   What a gift!!!
     
    Been feeling untethered and a decided lack of purpose  ... I'm sure many are finding their way with  similar feelings.    So scared for so many people.  Desire for information and  understanding... don't think either are forthcoming.
    Have decided if I am smoke free, living actively,  connecting as best I can with those I love and offering an ear and  eye ... I am living with purpose.     Have a sense  social distancing will be going on for most of this year.... and take much longer to find a new operating normal for many areas of society.   
    Sure hope I learn something and am aware of it.
     
    Be safe people.  BE BOLD in LOVING on your peeps.  Offer endless gratitude to those putting themselves in harms way.    
  17. darcy

    6 April

    By darcy,

    I am trying to write at least a bit each day.  Several folks have suggested that sharing my quit journey can be useful for others.   Not sure I have anything worth sharing.
     
    I am/have not been a person of eternal optimism.  I do have passion and temerity when it comes to new things, learning and ways to heal. 
    I find most people are uncomfortable speaking of or listening to things that are intense, morose and/or painful, that can often be defined by the term trauma.
    I have found that I (and many fabulous people I have encountered along the way) have developed an array of skills/tools that have allow us to cope/survive vs. thrive....or both. Wow, life is complex.
     
    Smoking was one of my longest standing skills, serving a situation and life that no longer exists in present tense. Yes, believe it or not sometimes addiction is a tool or skill (not at all romancing here, at least I hope not).... for me, just fact,  sad and true.
     
    Good riddance to the tools/skills that do not enhance the best life possible.  HELLO gorgeous smoke free life....a much more delicious skill/tool for the life of my most cherished dreams.
     
    Grateful to have outsmarted this addiction
    Grateful to be wary and wise to the ways of complacency
    Grateful to have the people, resources and  lightness QT offers
    Grateful to be smoke free
    Grateful for my health and the health of those I hold dear
    Grateful so many people are willing to provide the services they provide to help, to heal, to comfort, to feed, to sustain in this swarm of covid-19
    Grateful to have a brain in my head to think for myself
    Grateful to be aware when I behave like sheeple and to use above mentioned brain
    Grateful to have a beautiful woodland on waterfront to roam and observe spring doing it's thing
    Grateful to have people I love and to be loved in return....in ways that feel deeply loving.
     
    Grateful to have found the correct foot pattern for the waltz and to be practicing it (read dancing)  daily  
     
  18. darcy
    Considering the circumstances of us all, I am embarrassed (yet grateful) that I have had a fun pleasant connected day with my marvelous man (and cats).  I noticed a few weak cravings at expected times. Didn't even need to spend any energy pushing the smokey thought away.  It just quietly bowed out as I turned my attention to the next thing.
    Knowing the struggles, true deep struggles, I have had during previous quits...I can not express how dumbfounded I am at the grace and ease I am experiencing.  So grateful for it. It has been way past time for me to quit for decades. 
     
    Type, erase, type , erase...perhaps now is not the time to acknowledge or share my doubts of self and distill my prior patterns to see what I can do differently.
     
    Celebrate the small victories.  395 cigarettes avoided today!    Completed 14 day exercise challenge  (yep, did a 60 second plank...who, me? Yep.) Phenomenal.
     
     

  19. darcy

    22 March

    By darcy,

    Faking my way through the NOPE pledge this morning.
    Not even 5:30 a.m. and I am just winding down from tilt mode.....CRAVING firmly attached to tilt mode.
     
    staring at screen feeling heart race and listening to head race        looking for good excuse,   ha ha ha   ANY excuse is the good one when you choose to pick up.
    NOPE  NOPE   NOPE
     
    going to eat..  then  ...       
     
    Most of the day later....
    Glad things calmed down in my head. 
    Glad I have plenty of things to do.    
       Still getting  bigger cravings than I had the first week.   Likely because I was not doing the things I normally do the first week and now I am more back to a routine  (of sorts).  Really doesn't matter why the craves come.  Only thing that matters is that I utilize all I have to NOPE on through.  Many continued thanks to Quit Train and the fabulous people on the train.
    Was loading things in the car and glimpsed a pack of cigarettes I had lost about a month ago under the seat.  Grateful my guy was there for support - he whisked them away. 
    Got a seriously great laugh from my junkie thinking. When I saw the pack my first gut responses were to grab the pack and slip it into my pocket , while I was already mentally lighting up after finishing loading the vehicle.  I mean really.... was my addict self trying to hide the cigarettes from myself?   from my guy?   just what was the idea there?   anyway, a non issue because I just asked, " would you please get rid of the pack under the seat....I am having trouble looking at them".  And away they went.   Hoping I build a much sturdier quit, won't have helpful people around at every opportunity.  
    Just NOPE. nope. nope.
     
    It has been suggested to utilize rewards for making through each crave.   I snowballed the craves since I quit,   looked at my ticker to see what I would've spent killing myself one breath at time, and   mentally readjusted my recent extra delightful sheet purchase to be my reward.  Not sure rewards will work well for me....but hey, try it and see!

     
  20. darcy

    4 April

    By darcy,

    Feeling   deeply off (collective grief, I think).  No off switch,  minimal awareness, and even less discipline around eating right now.  Considering it a great day if I manage to shower, dress and care for my teeth.    Pretty sure some of it is due to not being in the cigarette~task loop anymore.  HURRAY!  and of course some of it is due to Stay at Home/Covid-19 safety practices. 
                           To spend just a moment here... I used to punctuate my day with smoking.  Could measure many things by the number of smokes I had.  I was pretty dedicated to smoking between tasks, so find I am getting less done. Subconsciously avoiding craving triggers?   Lazy?  Don't really think I want to substitute something for that particular punctuation....although a big glass of water or challenge exercise would be a great substitute....hmmm...
     
    On the plus side , I am hydrating lots, walking lots (3ish miles today and Mani cat did them , too...he's exhausted), enjoying being with my marvelous man (glad he likes me even when I have the personality and attitude of a wet dishrag),  planning and planting food and flower garden.
     
    on the covid thing.... some of this stuff is just ridiculous to me.  This is where my fatalistic and always see the bad side magnified works to my advantage.  I stopped going out March 1st. e have very limited contact of people on the property we live on.    Some of "the next logical step" things seem so basic and that people are not doing or oblivious has me awestruck.
    off to watch the nightly scare (news).
     
    Best of all to each of you.  Love hard on the people in your life.      Do the things you have never done.  I am learning to play happy birthday on the harmonica.
  21. darcy

    2 April

    By darcy,

    Still delighted to be FREE.      Can't spend too much time pondering the choices of the past.  The  consequences and results of all my past choices will reveal or heal as I THRIVE on....with all the opportunities  life brings.
     
    The teeth and gum pain is such that in normal times I would head to the dentist.  Being in far from normal times, I am choosing to self treat with many salt water rinses and using the water pik with hydrogen peroxide mix. 
    Cravings are few and vary in duration (never more than a few minutes) and really feel more like celluar memory of what I am "supposed to do" at certain times or in certain circumstances.  Different thinks and things to do now.                                                EZPZ as Sarge says.
     
    Scared.  grateful for the people here on QT.   I feel closer and more connected to many of you than most anyone else right now.  Thanks everyone for being here learning, healping, gaming, chatting.... really appreciate your presence and gifts more than I can explain.   Am in touch with close friends and family, too,   ... feeling disconnected and scared for many of them... and many of us.
     
    Stay safe people.  Be kind to yourself and each other.      I wish there were a way for me to safely help in a different manner than only staying home.     I hope I see my parents and siblings again.
    DEEPLY GRATEFUL none of these scary maudlin thoughts ignite the desire to smoke.
     
    O yeah... I don't fing smoke.  happy laughing!!!!  
  22. darcy

    1 April

    By darcy,

    Feeling odd and fine at the same time.  Pretty sure lots of folks are in this space.
    Had some sleep with out OTC assistance the last few nights.  Yay!
     
    As this recovery from 38 plus years of addiction sails along ...
    my gums and teeth are sensitive and sore in places.   Hurray for blood flow!!  Appreciate the opportunity to lavish some fabulous oral care on myself.  I love my waterpik. 
    Had allowed the illusion of no pain to be the belief "I have healthy gums and teeth"... sad laughter ...  the lies I told myself as I sucked in the poisons.
     
    Kind of funny (no, definitely not funny) in some sick ways ... there was never any doubt or clarity around being an addict.  I knew that from pretty much the beginning ... definitely by 16 years old, that I was addicted to cigarettes.
    In the last ten years, a beloved colleague of mine and I would announce to our team mates that we were headed to the backyard to kill ourselves one breath at time. He passed away from lung cancer about 4 years ago.   
    Many years (could be a lifetime) of trauma, depression, anxiety and seriously poor at best coping skills are evolving into many years of  inner peace, learning to love and healing.  Will have to see how the scars of smoking continue to impact life and find ways to use them to celebrate FREEDOM.
                                              FREEDOM gratitude list
     deeply grateful that:
                 each day begins differently now ... weird due to covid-19 situation, but not with the immediate lurching out the door to light up. Sometimes to smoke up to 3 cigarettes before feeling prepared  to do other things.
                 after eating I clean up and stow food without having to smoke first
                 breathing without wheezing is calming
                no arranging the day around smoking- currently not much arranging the day period, but I look forward to going places and not needing to scout a place to smoke where I won't be seen
                I get to hangout on the QT with fun folks, play games and learn, and be with people
               my hands and feet seem warmer
                I do not spend tons of time worrying about cancer -- still may happen, but for now my mind is at peace around it
               choosing to be free from slavery of nicotine, may be a sign that I really am able to love myself somehow... a true miracle, if you knew me and how I  have been
               people who love me are glad for me to be quit
               I am not triggered by other people smoking -- I hear them light up while we talk on the phone and have no craving, used to be an autopilot response when on the phone. Yay freedom!
                                                                                                                                Thank you, thank you, thank you for quitting smoking, Darcy.
     
                                                                                                                            
     
     
     
     
  23. darcy

    31 march 21 FREE days

    By darcy,

    It was a fine day filled with bird song.  ...and eagles circling above when walking with cat.
    Stress filled times, some cravings....and NOPE, I don't smoke.
     
    Cravings seems to pull especially hard (which instantly translates to grumpy and whiny) when I get tired or scared.  So, when I am awake?  mirthful laugh
     
    Really have been doing pretty well.  Grateful.    Have even felt a bit accomplished for a few brief moments.
     

     
     
     
  24. darcy

    30 march

    By darcy,

    very tired.
    feeling thin and quick on the trigger.
    wish I could sleep during the day.
    do not want to utilize otc sleep stuff.
    do not feel like doing anything
     
    woke alarmed in the middle of the night. 
              had spoken to my mom (celebrating her birthday) yesterday afternoon and she had a dry cough.  WORRIED.  she says she feels fine and it was a cough due to not speaking too often these days.
    managed not to call my mom in the middle of the night with my panic.  managed not to wake my marvelous man, either.   didn't really get much sound sleep after awakening....stuck in the half dream hazy space.   seems to have followed me into the day as I navigate through it...  have completed a few food prep and storage chores (rubbed my eyes after chopping serrano chiles, so that woke me up for awhile)
    have that feeling in my stomach like I have made a grave error.
     
    good news....these feelings will change.
     
    on the train.   is there a sleeping car?                                                                                             
     
  25. darcy

    29 march

    By darcy,

    went to sleep last night feeling like I would get up today and go get cigarettes. woke with the same feeling.     still on the train.  almost late afternoon.
     
    playing the mind games outsmarting myself....
    you know you smoke...     yeah, but it's mom's birthday and she is so happy you quit.   you can smoke tomorrow....      nope     nope   nope      think again, get right with yourself, call an ally. post an sos    Do it!!!
     
    sister's life derailing amidst the now normal pandemonium and I am not there to support her.    though being in the smoker's zone would be suicide for me and my quit right now.   still wish I could hold her and hug her and walk with her while her heart breaks and begins to heal.  arrghhh...
     
    grateful for ...
    BEing FREE from nicotine slavery - extra heaping portion of gratitude for Quit Train & the conductors, riders and engineers
    relationships that are there ... through all the trials, abuses, healing, growth...loving in the ways we know, where we are
    learning and choices in/of love and light
    time spent with those dear to my heart ... and the memories of those times
    humor and lightness of heart
    healthcare professionals and their willingness to show up and do what needs doing....holding hands, pallitive care, BEing WITH people, and thinking outside the boxes to create something from nothing
    geese returning, sand hill cranes, too and the spring song of the cardinals ... found my copy of  A Sand County Almanac by Aldo Leopold and renewed my joy of this treasure
    belief that things , people,  and beliefs are changeable
    cognitive, physical and spiritual functioning ... at least I think they're functioning, I could be off on this
    my marvelous man... steady and true...all I could ever desire...thank you
     
     
     
    I hope I dance                                                                                                                                           
     
     

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QuitTrain®, a quit smoking support community, was created by former smokers who have a deep desire to help people quit smoking and to help keep those quits intact.  This place should be a safe haven to escape the daily grind and focus on protecting our quits.  We don't believe that there is a "one size fits all" approach when it comes to quitting smoking.  Each of us has our own unique set of circumstances which contributes to how we go about quitting and more importantly, how we keep our quits.

 

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