Vivianne

Nope!!!

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-5 And I am happy you are there to support all the kicks!! Whoooo hooo!!

When I was in the shower I started thinking about my history with the cigarette. And I thought it might be an interesting story to share as so many others have been through the same thing. I was introduced to the normality of tobacco when I was 4 years old. Every male member of my family was a smoker. My granddad on my dad's side was the king; He smoked every variation there was: cigarettes, pipe, cigars and even prune (of course that last one he did not light up :P) . My mom's dad smoked camels - oddly enough I have smoked that same brand for many many years. My dad made his own roll-ups, which I as a 4 year old could buy and roll for my dad. He loved that.. and I loved doing it, cause I was good at it. For many many years we, as kids, were surrounded by poison and it left an imprint. It was normal, it was your right as a human being, it was your own choice. I didn't even think it was cool as a teenager. It was just normal. A way to ease emotions, get through lunch breaks at school, a way to find new friends on the schoolyard. In the 90's the " anti-tobacco lobby" started to grow. We used to call it that because me and my alternative/grungy friends thought we were pushed into the boring bourgeois life and the whole cancer thing was overrated and just a way to scare us. At the beginning of the millennium the realization became real and the severity started to show. I didn't cough but the rest of my friends started to show cracks. So when I wanted to get pregnant in 2001 I stopped, without any hesitation. There was no doubt in my mind it was bad for a baby, and "it" didn't have that voice yet, so I had to be the voice of reason. Unfortunately I relapsed when Morrigun was 7 months old. I didn't feel bad about it. I didn't see the danger.. Now I know that I didn't see myself as a non smoker at that time, but as a smoker that temporarily did not smoke for good reasons. And then, there was the internet. Stuff got out, articles got published, facts started to emerge.. and it finally seeped in , slowly but surely - this is bad for me! Really bad! Looking back it's no wonder that I started smoking, it was such a normal thing - but I do regret every cig, every puff - and at the same time I do forgive myself for it. The only way to get where I want to be, is to "NOPE" every single day, every single moment - and come to terms with myself as a human being.

I hope you all realize this, but wow... you are AWESOME! (Like me.. hehe.. cause I am here and proud of myself!!!)

It could be my own self-esteem that is making it feel wrong. I am so used to doing it myself (I think my first sentence was " selluf doen" - which means "I'll do it" in dutch kid's language. But thank you Johnny! I am not about to throw away my quit... I am soooooooooooooooooo happy with you all!! Good idea!! I am going to take my well deserved loooooooong hot shower now! So don't worry my dear fellow train passengers, I have not gone out to get some poison, I am washing it all away!

I don't know if this will make it worse for me, somehow it feels like romancing the cigarette (or I might be wrong.. just scared to want the real thing even more...)

A lot, a bunch of personal stuff, tried to reach out to a few friends but they were busy (I totally understand why) . The whole fish tank ordeal it stressed me out, I didn't eat enough, I didn't shower yet - Yeah... I can hear myself (or rather read my own words...) I know what to do.. *Self care* You have managed to make me cry and laugh in one message.. you are the best Doreen .. Lost in my own mind there.. typing and deleting you know.. I am getting there.. Happy I posted though...

Okay, I need help ppl. Just rewatched the relapse video and I am in the last stage, have been for a while and I need to get out of it. I really don't care about the why anymore, I need someone to talk to.. here.. just get me through this lonely place I am in right now. I feel exhausted, I think I am doing it wrong, I am scared of typing this and I don't know why.. I feel so weak So doing the last resort thing.. sos.. help

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Extra powerful hugs for you Sunshine!! You will be stronger because you defeated another craving. Your circumstances suck big time. There is no denying..but.. this is something you can be proud off! Make your wife and your kid proud! You can do this!!

-1 And yay!! Another Victory!!

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Nope!!!

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I am making stew (with dark castle beer), potatoes and green beans today

Well done Wantsit!!!

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Congratz Wantsit! Good to read your post and your progression. It's a real good motivator for us newbies to read the updates so thank you for staying!

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Eating breakfast Slept in today

Goodmorning everybody!!

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