I am stuck, I have so many negatives thoughts and they are stopping me to post an sos, or pm someone - or just get help. So I am forcing myself to type this blog, without leaving this page or deleting the whole thing.
What happened?
Well it started with a dream I had last night. I was at an airport with my ex (the one where I experienced my last relapse with 2 years ago after a nine months quit). And he was yelling at me, screaming, I had to get him cigarettes but due to a new law I had to identify myself as someone who worked there - and I didn't.. so I couldn't get any. The verbal abuse got to me again, I felt so small and guilty about everything I was doing wrong... and a cigarette magically appeared in my hand, and I lit it.. and I smoked it.. and it felt so gross.. but I kept going. My need to survive was out the door.
And then I woke up. And that feeling still had a hold on me, I can't shake it off today. My addiction is trying to trick me again, I know it is... but it doesn't feel that way..
I feel sad, I feel like crying, I feel weak.. I have such an awesome boyfriend now, I love him with every fiber of my being, he knows what happened to me and he lets me vent when I feel a pattern coming on. He understands, he has been in the same boat, so he knows what kind of impact it has if someone is constantly belittling you, making you doubt your own sanity, and when you do break down crying accuses you of manipulation or grabs you so hard that you have bruises for two weeks.
The dream with the emotions and the smoking.. I am so scared that I can't handle it.. I don't want to give in, I need to win this fight! Where the hell did my strength go?
