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Vivianne

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  1. Vivianne

    The Policy of Truth

    By Vivianne,

    I have so much blog material at the moment. But this is one I find myself going back to today.

    It is so hard to be honest about addiction, not just to the outside world, but to yourself. Being critical, not scared of the cold hard truth. The courage to look yourself in the eye and explore that impulse emotion when someone calls the addiction by it's name. I posted about my relapse last night. And I found the support overwhelming, and I thank all of you that had my back. I could've said nothing. I could've forgiven myself and just leave it at that. -Which is so not me btw-
    BUT I think it's REALLY important for people who are quitting and haven't experienced the crisis I had this weekend, to know about this, so they can come up with a plan! AND ! BE HONEST!

    I did have a plan for crisis situations, when the fish tank broke down and my living room was covered with an inch of water, I knew what to do, cause I have been in such a situation before.
    I posted a &^@^# on the forum and I called a few friends to help me through the chaos. 
    This crash was a new experience all together. And for everyone that have no experience in that kind of crisis it's hard enough to keep your head together and come up with something on the spot. 
    Autistic crisis means "new" = *flat-line*= no plan.. nothing besides the chaos and sounds, feelings, lights, voices (that you can't decipher while they are definitely speak the same language as you right?) and all are dumped on a brain that just cannot process it ..
    I had a complete meltdown on the street and the cops had to call my crisis coach who came but couldn't stay the night (which is understandable).

    In other somewhat similar crisis modes when I didn't have a coach yet or when I couldn't get in contact with my coach, I went over to my neighbour a few houses down the street. She is an autism coach - not mine- and knows how to calm me down. And her door is always open even if it's 5 am in the morning. 

    Now on to the solution! Because all of the above is just background information and "the why" is not that important. The "How to move on" is.

    My first thought was: " I have to be honest about it. I have to confess, not sugarcoat it, not sweep it under the rug."
    This will prevent: 
    Shame - I don't know about you guys, but I HATE lying, I can't even.. I will say the most stupid things to people, which are true, but not really appropriate at that time. I have tried to train this, but it gives me more stress than necessary. So it's what you see is what you get with me. So IF I decided to withhold this information, I will be ashamed and that would prevent me from getting the right help. So BE HONEST!  Junky thoughts getting a hold on me - If I not fess up to this, my Junky-me will be stronger next time this presents it self. And not the relapse it self, but the chance to actually relapse becomes bigger. If I could lie then, why not..... BE HONEST!
    Putting a new plan into place:
    Make a list of every smoker I know and TELL them. Don't try to be the lone bad ass wolf that defies the nicotine on her own when being with these people. (And yes, I should've told her a few weeks back when I ran in to her at the grocery store that I quit smoking - that is all on me! ) Asking for help with this list cause this is all I can come up with now 😛  
  2. Vivianne
    When I was in the shower I started thinking about my history with the cigarette.
    And I thought it might be an interesting story to share as so many others have been through the same thing. 
     
    I was introduced to the normality of tobacco when I was 4 years old. Every male member of my family was a smoker. My granddad on my dad's side was the king; He smoked every variation there was: cigarettes, pipe, cigars and even prune (of course that last one he did not light up :P) . My mom's dad smoked camels - oddly enough I have smoked that same brand for many many years.
    My dad made his own roll-ups, which I as a 4 year old could buy and roll for my dad. He loved that.. and I loved doing it, cause I was good at it. 
    For many many years we, as kids, were surrounded by poison and it left an imprint. It was normal, it was your right as a human being, it was your own choice. 

    I didn't even think it was cool as a teenager. It was just normal. A way to ease emotions, get through lunch breaks at school, a way to find new friends on the schoolyard. 
    In the 90's the " anti-tobacco lobby"  started to grow. We used to call it that because me and my alternative/grungy friends thought we were pushed into the boring bourgeois life and the whole cancer thing was overrated and just a way to scare us. 

    At the beginning of the millennium the realization became real and the severity started to show. I didn't cough but the rest of my friends started to show cracks. 
    So when I wanted to get pregnant in 2001 I stopped, without any hesitation. There was no doubt in my mind it was bad for a baby, and "it" didn't have that voice yet, so I had to be the voice of reason.
    Unfortunately I relapsed when Morrigun was 7 months old.
    I didn't feel bad about it. I didn't see the danger.. Now I know that I didn't see myself as a non smoker at that time, but as a smoker that temporarily did not smoke for good reasons. 

    And then, there was the internet. Stuff got out, articles got published, facts started to emerge.. and it finally seeped in , slowly but surely - this is bad for me! Really bad! 
    Looking back it's no wonder that I started smoking, it was such a normal thing - but I do regret every cig, every puff - and at the same time I do forgive myself for it. 
    The only way to get where I want to be, is to "NOPE"  every single day, every single moment - and come to terms with myself as a human being. 



     
  3. Vivianne

    Day eh 24!!!

    By Vivianne,

    Wow I am almost at the 1 month quit experience! And it is.. eh yeah.. eventful to say the least.
    My first week was an awesome high, my second week was a mix of coughs, colds, and mixed feelings..
    Then the germany trip, week 3, that has set me back.. the ads and the availability got into my head, the romancing started again.. emotions flared up  and I have been trapped inside my head. I couldn't stop crying two days ago.. I almost convinced myself this quiting thing was not something I was strong enough for (-yes *ding ding ding* all the red flags there)
    I had to force myself to pledge... but it got easier and I can actually socialize again and tell everyone I am sti here, on the train...
     
    The only by-product now is that I have been so tense that my muscles are hurting like mad.. so I need to go and get a massage... which my autistic brain hates! (Like dentists and hairdressers.. or shopping in general.... )
     
     
  4. Vivianne
    I've been sick a few days and today I feel much much better, but also home alone since Friday. And that gives me way too much time to think, ponder, over-analyse and lose myself in addiction thinking. So I hung on like a crazy woman. Reading a lot of this and watching a lot of that to keep my head clear in a very literal way. I also wrote down a lot of lies that my addiction keeps telling me in this quit. Time to address one and deal with it.

    "What does it matter anyway, you are not worth it... " 
    This is a big red flag to me. I have been depressed in the past, and addiction is a mean s.o.b.
     I'll spare you the details, but I have been fighting and working real hard to be " just happy" from a real early age, and I am happier than I have ever been at the moment. 
    Until that tiny moment I feel lonely or panicky or anything that even resembles that past feeling, my brain reverts back to suicidal tendencies. Not that I want to- but my brain is so programmed to have that way out, that it will go there without my consent. Like a tiny seed that will always be there and starts growing the moment you look away. And my addiction is using that to wiggle it's way in again. On one side - " The urge to find peace and quiet" . Because that's what I actually wanted.. not death, but I was so tired of fighting and surviving.. I just wanted some peace and quiet. And on the other side - "The need to stop fighting and let life go"  - and the cig will make sure off that eventually.

    But I choose Life
    Every day
    Actively
    And I enjoy the heck out of it! 

    I wanted to address the topic of depression and addiction, because I know many are struggling and are ashamed to go into these kinds of thoughts. I have learned to talk about them, openly. The thoughts and feelings are only a danger if I keep them in the shadows and hide them. And I don't want to be part of this statistic - I want to be the exception to the rule! 
     
    NOPE!!

     
     




     
  5. Vivianne

    Bad day

    By Vivianne,

    I am stuck,  I have so many negatives thoughts and they are stopping me to post an sos, or pm someone - or just get help. So I am forcing myself to type this blog, without leaving this page or deleting the whole thing. 

    What happened? 
    Well it started with a dream I had last night. I was at an airport with my ex (the one where I experienced my last relapse with 2 years ago after a nine months quit). And he was yelling at me, screaming, I had to get him cigarettes but due to a new law I had to identify myself as someone who worked there - and I didn't.. so I couldn't get any. The verbal abuse got to me again, I felt so small and guilty about everything I was doing wrong... and a cigarette magically appeared in my hand, and I lit it.. and I smoked it.. and it felt so gross.. but I kept going. My need to survive was out the door. 
    And then I woke up. And that feeling still had a hold on me, I can't shake it off today. My addiction is trying to trick me again, I know it is... but it doesn't feel that way.. 

    I feel sad, I feel like crying, I feel weak.. I have such an awesome boyfriend now, I love him with every fiber of my being, he knows what happened to me and he lets me vent when I feel a pattern coming on. He understands, he has been in the same boat, so he knows what kind of impact it has if someone is constantly belittling you, making you doubt your own sanity, and when you do break down crying accuses you of manipulation or grabs you so hard that you have bruises for two weeks. 

    The dream with the emotions and the smoking.. I am so scared that I can't handle it.. I don't want to give in, I need to win this fight! Where the hell did my strength go? 
  6. Vivianne

    Unexpected cravings

    By Vivianne,

    A blog post about a craving at this time*? That must be one serious craving. 
    And it is!
     
    I know that I have gotten a pack in the middle of the night on more than one occasion. Get out of bed, put clothes on, get in the car and drive for 30 minutes to the nearest 24h gas station so I could smoke one and sometimes 2 before falling asleep without the thoughts of being out of cigs in the morning.
     
    Time to take a step back and analyse this craving:
    What I need right now: sleep
    What triggered the craving: pattern based, being tired and hyper at the same time.
    How I deal with it: analyse the hell oit of it, blog about it, breathe and do some relaxation exercises. 
     
    Note to self: get some "goodnight" tea tomorrow
     
    *1:09 am
     
  7. Vivianne
    Third day... what to say what to say. 
    I am okay during the day, I have no cravings until 4 pm, I wasn't a during-the-day smoker.. I hated that first cigarette in the morning. The whole head rush was something I wasn't into. 
    But when the sun goes down my head goes in to a tale spin and I really have to focus on my quit and determination to be a happier and healthier person and give myself the gift of life. 
    I avoid my friends at the moment. I know they will give me a cig when I ask for it. And I know I am not strong enough to go head to head with temptation yet. But eventually I have to face those demons too. But first things first, get through this night and work through all the feelings and emotions. 

    Upside: Smell and taste are improving! 

    The boyfriend unit is very proud of me, he watched some of the documentaries with me last night - he is sweet like that. 
     
    Oh oh oh and! I have a pumpkin to carve!! Decided to go with Dragonball this year - I will keep you updated with pictures when I start carving 😛


     
  8. Vivianne
    I couldn't postpone it any longer. I had to bring some stuff over to a friend, who smokes. I warned him ahead - do not feed my addiction and please keep the smoking paraphernalia out of sight. 
    Unfortunately he forgot... so he lit one right up next to me. Asking me if I wanted one. "HELL NO! I quit remember?"  He felt very embarrassed and took everything out of the room immediately while apologizing a lot. 

    I went on and on about this forum, and about my pledge every day and how solid I feel in this quit. Which made me choose the right option and leave early. The smell was so bad, but it somehow crept up and fed my addiction voice. So I bolted after some hasty goodbye hugs. 

    I have the need to thank you all again, you all make my quit so much brighter and funnier. It is so good to feel connected to a group of people that have the same state of mind: 
    "NOPE!"
  9. Vivianne

    Randomness

    By Vivianne,

    Approaching 24 hours!
    Mood: Mostly positive and highly energetic with little swings towards the negative side and the " &#$^$ FYA!" thoughts
    But I am still standing! *yeah yeah yeah*

    Anyway, my mind is racing as is my body (I might need to up my adhd meds.. ) 
    I tried naptime, but that didn't agree lol 
    So here I am just rambling on and on and on.. 
    I have nothing to tell, but time to kill 

    I am pledging my NOPE again here for today -
    I have told my dad today about my pledge and my plan, and he was very proud. He suffered a stroke and had a double bypass this year... but he did quit immediately - he is one of my heroes.
     
    Gonna see the boyfriend unit this afternoon, he doesn't smoke, he never did. But he did a lot of research on the addiction topic and he is very understanding and supporting. 

    Yeah this works! Deep Breaths, sip of water, music, singing, dancing... this moment will pass too! 
     
  10. Vivianne

    Triggers

    By Vivianne,

    So in my preparation to make this attempt a permanent and thus successful one I found this site. I like to blog, have been doing that from the moment my parents decided to listen to my pleads to get  (sloowwww) internet. My initial quit date would be the 10th, but well, you know how stuff works... you read, you post and you get highly motivated to quit sooner rather than later. 
    And why not! There is nothing stopping me.. 

    So I need to redo my preparation time table and get this stuff out of my system before I forget or before it gets me. 

    Triggers - I've got so many of 'em
    Being alone: I am alone a lot. My daughter is 18 and has a boyfriend and a job, so she is really leaving the nest organically so to speak. I also have a new relationship and we see each other 3 times a week. He lives in a different city, has kids and a job too so we need to fiddle our schedules to meet up (but it works, and I am happy! So yay!). Conclusion: I have a lot of time on my hands - well no wait.. I have a lot of time that could trigger a relapse. Friends that smoke: Somehow I seem to have a lot of people around me who still smoke. And that is a trigger. I still wonder why it's so easy for a smoker to give a person who has quit (in my case it was over 9 months) a cigarette because it will calm someone down. I have done it, and in the past year I actually gave people a few minutes to actively decide to steal a cigarette from me - but I did still give someone that relapse cigarette (shame on me...) Long car rides: I don't smoke inside nor do I smoke in the car (okay that's a lie... I have the tendency to smoke in the car on long car rides when I alone... ). To " relax"  and take the needed breaks during the trip I smoke a cigarette. And of course when the trip is over, as soon as I get out of the car..  The after-workout- cigarette: My neighbour and I are training partners, and he smokes.. when I started in 2017 I was still a non-smoker (or an inbetween-er)  and his reward after a hard workout (which is every workout) is a cigarette. He has told me about growth hormones and that is is somehow a good thing and blablabla *insert many weak pro smoking arguments* and when I relapsed I joined in. Creating a new trigger.  Phone calls: Ever since the phone got wireless and, after that, boundaryless (mobile) I take my calls outside with a cigarette  Sex: No need to get into this.  Food related triggers: Hunger, after a full meal, etc

    Concentration span is gone.. so I am gonna leave it for now and will get back to it when I feel like writing more about my triggers.

     

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