ChosenFreedom

Wrapping up on Day 4. My experiences so far are to be honest a mess. LOL! The days are a haze. I constantly find myself barely able to stay awake. I have not been able to finish a cup of coffee without falling asleep. My appetite is off too. I find myself not having the desire to eat that I end up starving. And when I do eat, I get this weird feeling of wanting to throw up. Yesterday was a little scary (Day 3) because it was a Friday. The day I usually go to town and do my groceries. There would be plenty of opportunities to slip since there are a lot of stores that sell them by the stick. But I managed to ignore them all even through all the times I had to wait on my son and was doing nothing but fiddling with my thumbs. There was one incident however, when we were waiting to cross the street. A smoker passed by leaving a trail of his second hand smoke. I inhaled. I guess my junkie brain just shouted real loud and for a second I thought "fine, inhale, it's better than lighting one up". I didn't feel good about it though. I did not feel good physically which I am very thankful for - it would've been really bad to relapse just because of second hand smoke. What was worse was how I felt mentally. I knew it was a stupid thing to do, a risky thing to do, but I still did it. I'm choosing to focus on the positive though. Sleepy all the time, wonky tummy and all but I've stayed clean. Recognized all my opportunities to smoke and ignored them all. I'm going to take it one day at a time. Really hoping the sleep spell ends soon though, I need to work. Thank you for keeping tabs. I appreciate it a lot.

Haha! I was kinda happy that the day I quit was so insignificant. I figured, it's the fact that I quit that gives it its significance. On the flipside, it doesn't really matter when you became free, all that matters is you stay free. So I'm good with it either way.

This line made me well up. Thank you. I had lost sight of that. Thank you. I can't believe how emotional I've been since I quit. I cried the first night during the first hypnotherapy session. I've felt helpless knowing that I'm free but my sister nor my father aren't and there's nothing I can do to help them unless they decide to choose freedom for themselves. I've felt anger at how much time I wasted giving excuses, finding ways not to quit and how tobacco companies are making money, sleeping soundly as some of us suffer. So much emotion that I lost sight of the good. Thank you for reminding me.

Doing fine. I did as jane suggested and exercised. That seemed to make it go away long enough for the stores to close. It's definitely easier to brush the thoughts aside when I know there's no way I can get cigs. I've also spent a good chunk of time reading. I still have so many tabs open -- all of which I intend to read through. So far I'm happy to know that my general sleepiness throughout the day isn't just me. So much more to learn on this road to recovery. But I'm glad I'm on it.

Thank you so much for your response c9jane29. I haven't read much on the forums yet so I'm quite new to this romancing the cigarette idea and that it's dopamine I need and not nicotine. Funnily enough, I haven't exercised today yet. I'm going to go ahead and do it now and make this terrorist go away. Thanks again!

I'm a 33-year old single mom from the Philippines. I started smoking when I was 14. Around mid August, my kid got sick with bronchitis. Right around that time, I found out that the house I was renting had a mold infestation which I had to fix, of course. Money got tight, sleep was few and far between. A week later, kid is well and home but mold infestation which I had spent a good chunk of money fixing is back with a vengeance. Then I find out the house itself is foreclosed and if it gets sold soon, my son and I will be homeless. Then comes September. I get the flu and a cough that won't go away. Thinking I got bronchitis too, I had it checked and was prescribed meds. I almost died from the medication. My heart rate was double the normal and apparently, had I slept it off as I initially decided, I wouldn't have woken up. I was told I either had a problem with my heart or my thyroid and a barrage of tests was done. All this time I was thinking it's the lungs. I've been smoking for almost two decades - it's probably it. Turns out my lungs are clear and it was my thyroid, but then there was a bump on my chest that may be a melanoma. So I had to go through a minor surgery to have it removed and biopsied. Waiting for the results was the hardest. On one end I was scared it was cancer because I smoked, on the other, I smoked because I was scared it was cancer. All of these events were making my head a bad space to be in. Having had depression in my early 20s, I was determined to avoid it at all costs. I succeeded with that but I had no idea panic/anxiety attacks were just around the corner. I thought getting good results back would make them go away, but they didn't. The worst attack was last week when my cousin died.. of cancer. So in a moment of insanity/genius, I sat down and finally opened Jason Vale's Stop Smoking in 2 hours app that I had downloaded over a month ago. I'm on day 2. I know it's a smart move because obviously, I get nothing from this horrible addiction and quitting is the best decision I could have ever made. But I'm obviously not in my best mental state. There was no preparation. There's no significance to my quit date, I didn't choose it beforehand. The app said I needed 2 hours straight to listen to it. I had two hours that day so I listened. By the end of the two hours, the voice on the audio was telling me to have my last cigarette. I was like "uhm... now?... Okay.. I guess" and had it. I'm concerned that I didn't get to properly have my last cig. One can argue whether a proper goodbye is really needed but my bigger concern is this lack of goodbye maybe what makes me relapse. To be honest I'm not thinking of having another cig or a next cig or one more cig. But I'm having a hard time brushing aside the thoughts of that final cig that I didn't get to internalize. It's causing me anxiety and giving me thoughts that I should probably just have that last cig now and be done with it and restart while the decision to quit is still fresh and strong rather than wait it out and relapse bad. Then again.. that single puff could be it. This feels more like an S.O.S. than an introduction. Sorry.