MLMR

So ha, I figured something out last week. I remember this was an issue before somewhere in my journal, but I guess certain topics need more than just one click. Early on in my quit I dealt with many addict moments: coffee, driving, phonecalls etc. etc. etc. At one point I thought I had that under control. Untill I found out that whenever the going got tough, these seemingly conquered moments where challenges again. Be it less than before, but still. Apparantly they are not just moments in time, they are all linked and flaring up whenever shit hits the fan. Smoking gave me the impression of a foundation. While, in reality, it constantly, day in day out, kept me unstable. Always looking for moments to get that dopamine fix. What that tells me is that, besides the simple fact that Im a wired nicotine addict, I have a certain need for predictability. Whenever things in life are difficult, I want to be able to fall back on something. I want to build in certainties, rythm, kindness. These past 7 days I did that by talking to myself in the mirror: How I did well (at night) or how proud I was for heading up for another day. No matter how corny it felt, I did it. Rythm, of doing what I promised myself. And now I realise Im almost halfway month four already. Which will be 1/3 of a year. Yeah!!

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For me, with having dysthymia and living my life a great deal of the time in survival modus, it is also hard. BUT it's doable. I am not a special snowflake, you are neither. I am batteling the same addiction as someone who sails through life easy. My coping may be different sometimes, my challenges are not your challenges. But the principle of addiction stays the same. And the solution likewise: Don't. Put. Anymore. Nicotine. In. Your. System. Ever. Talk to your doctor. Talk to your friends. Talk to your support system. Do what you need to make circumstances as right as possible for you.

Yes. Life will happen. Im trying to look my receptors right into their eyes to tell 'm that. Life goes on, after smoking. Im clinging to people who say it does get better, even with the downs happening. Thanks. Counting days. First week of month 4 has passed already. Trying to make a positive out of these things happening so early on in my quit. There' s has to follow some unicornish awareness at some point, where I come out all changed and self confident and shiny.? 'It does get better' are magic words to me and thank god there's plenty of that on the board. Each of us has their story.. and things to go through.. I believe people who say it will be better! I believe people who say I have to force myself to humor, I believe people who say I must find a way to look at beautiful things and to (&#£×£÷&$*=)reward myself, as much of a joke that may seem right now. So yeah, there's magic words here. Thanks!!!

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* Craving is not an emergency. * I can do this because I am a grown woman with skills. Even during dissociation and reliving the trauma, I am still that same grown woman. * I am capable of doing what's best for me. * Smoking does in no way enhance this situation. It won't make my friend have less of a fight in hospital and it won't make me steadier. It most definitely will not heal relationship wounds. * This is temporary. This will pass. * There is no quick fix in this. Breath, that's all I have to do. * If events will take certain turns, they would have anyway.

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Walking through month 4... being careful about what and what not to put in my mouth...

You want to be a vaper....? Is that a thing nowadays? I smell something fishy here... (thanks for handing me the opportunity to post this appropriate pic )

Xcusezlesmoi.. better late than never, congrats on reaching three years! For me, still newbie, its inspiring to see the phartez offer support and knowledge. Makes me believe it truly is achievable. Thanks for that.

Jo, amigo! You did it, reaching the lido deck like an aussie Queen! Although Ive only seen the last 3 months of it... I party with you as hard as everyone else! I think it's amazing what you did. Not just the quitting... but the support you offer to others, the stories you tell, your writing talent. Ive enjoyed so many of your 'it's ...day' tales in the nope pledge. Isn't it a just the coolest idea someone in rainy Holland wakes up, curious about what day Jo makes of it? Thats the power of connection through this board... and your contribution is so valuable! Ahhhh, one year!! Congratulations and I whish you a very special celebration, with lots of spoiling and good food and beautiful australian things and more things and more glitter and whatever is on your whish list!

Nope. It may be slippery business sometimes, but so far the outcome at the end of my day is always zero smokes ?

Thanks @Doreensfree, The thing is, I don't actually crave smoking. Im put off by the thought of a smoke between my lips, by the smell, by the taste. And when I think further ... the slavery, the shame etc etc etc. Just nope nope, smoking is a big fat nope. Still. Finding a new way to deal with things, which at the moment aren't really everyday-things... (not comfortable putting it up here for everyone to read). It's really about learning to deal with sh*t in a non-toxic way. Non-toxic being...healthy, or something? Rewarding, taking GOOD showers, spoiling myself with .... things! Ahhh it's so not what I'm used to. In the first month of my quit I owned that part.. I think I just GOT to do it. When I feel like it, when I don't feel like it or when I'm about to smash something real hard. Got to get that dopamine production to work.

I hope that by writing this down the urge calms. Smokey thoughts are strong again. I try to reward myself each evening, but thats even more diffcult than not smoking. My world is upside down, things happening so fast now. Got to remind myself that I have a say in some of it. And the things happening to people around me are not my job to fix. Got to be with me. Some people even told me, ah just have a smoke. It's not ok for you to still crave!! What shitty advise is that. Looking forward to sunnier months and to that self confidence everyone is talking about. -edit- tckr just told me Im 2%over half of first half! I guess that's worth a yay

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Thanks Jo, and all of you who followed ofcourse. So sweet. Would not have been here without the board. Unfortunately I got very sad news yesterday, concerning a loved one. Not in the mood for celebrating something that seems so minor in comparison to that. Got to stay on guard now more than ever though, that much I know.. room enough for what's left of the inner junkie to start tempting me again, explaining to me how this is a particular situation where none would resist... etc. I can't make space for that, or all would be for nothing. Thanks again, I'll stick with nope for as long as it takes x

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You are a true superwoman! Glad to have met you on the train!!!!