MLMR

Nope.

5th night in a row with poor sleep. The past days have been whirlwinds, so many thoughts. Suddenly the crave's back: darn receptors scream for their candy. Why now, suddenly? Yet, conciously thinking about smoking makes me want to vomit. What then is it? Probably the huge inconvenience of being by myself and the spooky images I create when I'm not paying close attention. First weekend alone. Well not entirely, will be helping a friend painting in her new home. It's like with quitting.... debunking thoughts.... did that past week... but now I'm kinda done with that and just want proper sleep and no more uncanny-stomach-achish background noise. I do care. I do care and just to be sure, I DO CARE.

Congrats! First month is within reach now, must feel good. I still count in weeks, it helps me divide the months and therefor every day/week/month is of equal importance and worth mentioning to myself. Building a rock solid quit by doing so. I think No Mans Land is as true as you make it, so denying yourself entrance seems like a good thing to do

Congrats Linda, on your tough girl awesome quit. Thanks for your frankness about what you encounter during all of this. And look at everything you are gaining! Strong woman!

Nope!

Neeuuuuwppp

Yeah, congrats Reci!

Nope

A while ago I wrote in my introduction post: 'I know it will take time, I know I want to take that time. And I am still terrified'. 160 days later I know it was worth every shiver. Back then, all I could think of were things like, how am I going to get through the day? What will be my morning coffee like without a cig? Should I prepare myself for doomsday or will it be a matter of giving in to the proces and go with the flow? And... what if I fail, or worse, what if I succeed but my life will suck for the rest of it? Pretty ingenious stuff, really. How did I make that up! Then, lots and lots and LOTS of debunking followed: I made it a near dayjob to research and expose every junky thought that crossed my mind. Writing them down, sharing them with this bunch of great people helped tremendously. I am not proud to admit it, but for a long time I found it too scary to cheer on newbies: afraid as I was they would give up on their quit and just disappear.. I felt I needed succes stories to feed on. There's two major things on my 'surprsing advantages list', that I hoped would happen. It's only been two weeks or so that I dare speak of it out loud... 1. panic attacks don't find me very attractive anymore and 2. chronic underlying depression is crawling away backwards, tail between it's legs. These are huge things, concidering I've been dealing with both for almost as long as I can remember and have been therapying my ass off for at least half my life. As you may notice, I still don't talk about it as if I were super exited. I guess it needs to sink in deeper before my whole being feels safe enough to addept to these changes. But that's ok, that will happen. It is possible to go through life events and remain smokefree, even early on. Someone I held dear, passed away. Insanely sad, because it was her (unexpected) own choice. I can't imagine what nightmare her loved ones are going through. It's also a theme that I've been struggeling with twice, around my 20s. (Grateful to be able to speak about it). So, memories and tears on different levels. Biggest trigger came knocking on my door: disconnectedness. But hey, I wouldn't do it the old way anymore right? So, I figured out ways to connect, even if it was calling a friend in the middle of the night and say nothing at all. And then last weekend, relationship bomb crash tragedy. Something that was bound to happen and kept being postponed by the both of us. I experience pain, relief, fear of lonelyness, a cautious thinking of the future. I know that processing will come in waves... and most likely at least some of the waves will test my willpower. Amidst all this, I have a little glint about keeping my quit. Because really, nobody is taking this away from me. I will fight for it, no matter what. (And I will rise like a godd*mn phoenix, but that sounds so theatrical). The reason I choose to write these things so openly, is that they happen. They are real, human events and they tell stories of brittleness. Where I live, 1 in 4 people has to deal, at some point in their lives, with mental illness. Thats huge. People lose people and that hurts. There's no pretending about that. To all newbies and lurkers, do protect what is solely yours. Don't make events or people responsible for lighting up.. find your strength, dig deep or stay shallow and plaugh on if thats what works for you. Please know that this is doable also for you and know that every person here has their story. I believe our stories shape us, but by quitting we can turn things around: we are shaping our stories.

Ah ok. Well, I know I was scared as hell five months ago. I thought I knew what I was up to.. turned out things went differently this time. I gave up comparing previous quits and figured I had to do it anyway. If this is what you want and you want it more than being a slowly dying smoker... you know what you gotta do.

That's just dumb. I had several occasions in the last 5 months where smokers thought it'd be justifiable for me to smoke one... as if that's their decision anyway. Strange how people want to comfort you with their own crutch. So glad I didn't, by the way. I remember always feeling a little jealous when a fellow smoker gave up. And... yes, I also was reluctant to believe they could do it. I think mainly to feel a little les shitty about myself. I'm ashamed about it, but I think it's just what addiction does to you.

Welcome back. Good to make the decision again. What's with the tears? Do you have a plan? I guess you already know a lot, since youve been here before. Tell us something more so we can overwhelm you with our advise!

Nooooope

Thanks Tam. Breathing through, I keep telling myself this won't last.. Definitely know what I am feeling and that is regret and loss. They seem to be core emotions, right..? Probably the right time to take extra care. I am not a reli person, but this definitely has to be good for something.. Im sure there's a vital lesson to learn... but at the moment I look specifically forward to coming home, eating a ton of chocolate chips cookies, wrap myself up like sushi and fall in a 30hr coma.

Note to self. Don't buy smokes. It's not worth it. Take time to proces what's on the table. Sad and painful as it is. Thats where you need to be with your energy. Feel the wind, take walks whenever possible. Addiction is not what I should feed. This will pass.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Ok, now you have me crying my guts out. I concider that a good thing. Thanks. He's one of the best things that ever happened to me. And yet, we are unable to make it together. That's heart breaking. There has to be something good after this, or I wouldnt find myself in this place. This didn't happen out of the blue.. I am part of the decision and got to take responsability for that. Pfffwww. It helps to view it the other way round: what if we broke up and I were still smoking? Id probably broken my own no-smoking-in-the-house rule and be sitting here all depressed, smoking and everything. Yuk.

Thanks guys, for taking the time to answer. It means a lot to me. Good to be reminded about my own words and coping strategies as well. I need to see the two seperately. They are NOT connected. Stupid addiction voice makes me want to believe differently. Growing, healing, leaving suffocating patterns of the both of us behind... no connection with nicotine.

Thanks for your quick answer. Yes, we tried everything and for such a long time. I have to start accepting what stage we're at. And trust in that I will manage. I don't want to go that deep down anymore. I can cope, I have to.

I pressed enter too quick. Modified my post.

I don't know what to say or what not. My relationship is over, after way too long of arguing and trying and more trying. This is most definitely challenging quit-wise. Im not even sure if Im sad or mad or relieved, or maybe a weird mixture. Every 'reason' to smoke pops up, ofcourse. This relates to my biggest trigger : not caring anymore, because of feeling disconnected. Ive got to pull it from far. A smoke won't fix our problems and it won't heal us. I have to focus on the one thing that will help me, regardless of anything else: don't put anything in my mouth that's on fire.

Nope

Nope

Linda, I don't have wise words for you.. but I admire your courage and I can see that you are making immense choices. And writing it down, giving yourself a voice, is surely one of them. Take care and let nothing and no one come between you and your precious quit.

Nope, never again.