MLMR

A while ago I wrote in my introduction post: 'I know it will take time, I know I want to take that time. And I am still terrified'. 160 days later I know it was worth every shiver. Back then, all I could think of were things like, how am I going to get through the day? What will be my morning coffee like without a cig? Should I prepare myself for doomsday or will it be a matter of giving in to the proces and go with the flow? And... what if I fail, or worse, what if I succeed but my life will suck for the rest of it? Pretty ingenious stuff, really. How did I make that up! Then, lots and lots and LOTS of debunking followed: I made it a near dayjob to research and expose every junky thought that crossed my mind. Writing them down, sharing them with this bunch of great people helped tremendously. I am not proud to admit it, but for a long time I found it too scary to cheer on newbies: afraid as I was they would give up on their quit and just disappear.. I felt I needed succes stories to feed on. There's two major things on my 'surprsing advantages list', that I hoped would happen. It's only been two weeks or so that I dare speak of it out loud... 1. panic attacks don't find me very attractive anymore and 2. chronic underlying depression is crawling away backwards, tail between it's legs. These are huge things, concidering I've been dealing with both for almost as long as I can remember and have been therapying my ass off for at least half my life. As you may notice, I still don't talk about it as if I were super exited. I guess it needs to sink in deeper before my whole being feels safe enough to addept to these changes. But that's ok, that will happen. It is possible to go through life events and remain smokefree, even early on. Someone I held dear, passed away. Insanely sad, because it was her (unexpected) own choice. I can't imagine what nightmare her loved ones are going through. It's also a theme that I've been struggeling with twice, around my 20s. (Grateful to be able to speak about it). So, memories and tears on different levels. Biggest trigger came knocking on my door: disconnectedness. But hey, I wouldn't do it the old way anymore right? So, I figured out ways to connect, even if it was calling a friend in the middle of the night and say nothing at all. And then last weekend, relationship bomb crash tragedy. Something that was bound to happen and kept being postponed by the both of us. I experience pain, relief, fear of lonelyness, a cautious thinking of the future. I know that processing will come in waves... and most likely at least some of the waves will test my willpower. Amidst all this, I have a little glint about keeping my quit. Because really, nobody is taking this away from me. I will fight for it, no matter what. (And I will rise like a godd*mn phoenix, but that sounds so theatrical). The reason I choose to write these things so openly, is that they happen. They are real, human events and they tell stories of brittleness. Where I live, 1 in 4 people has to deal, at some point in their lives, with mental illness. Thats huge. People lose people and that hurts. There's no pretending about that. To all newbies and lurkers, do protect what is solely yours. Don't make events or people responsible for lighting up.. find your strength, dig deep or stay shallow and plaugh on if thats what works for you. Please know that this is doable also for you and know that every person here has their story. I believe our stories shape us, but by quitting we can turn things around: we are shaping our stories.

Ah ok. Well, I know I was scared as hell five months ago. I thought I knew what I was up to.. turned out things went differently this time. I gave up comparing previous quits and figured I had to do it anyway. If this is what you want and you want it more than being a slowly dying smoker... you know what you gotta do.

That's just dumb. I had several occasions in the last 5 months where smokers thought it'd be justifiable for me to smoke one... as if that's their decision anyway. Strange how people want to comfort you with their own crutch. So glad I didn't, by the way. I remember always feeling a little jealous when a fellow smoker gave up. And... yes, I also was reluctant to believe they could do it. I think mainly to feel a little les shitty about myself. I'm ashamed about it, but I think it's just what addiction does to you.

Welcome back. Good to make the decision again. What's with the tears? Do you have a plan? I guess you already know a lot, since youve been here before. Tell us something more so we can overwhelm you with our advise!

Nooooope

Thanks Tam. Breathing through, I keep telling myself this won't last.. Definitely know what I am feeling and that is regret and loss. They seem to be core emotions, right..? Probably the right time to take extra care. I am not a reli person, but this definitely has to be good for something.. Im sure there's a vital lesson to learn... but at the moment I look specifically forward to coming home, eating a ton of chocolate chips cookies, wrap myself up like sushi and fall in a 30hr coma.

Note to self. Don't buy smokes. It's not worth it. Take time to proces what's on the table. Sad and painful as it is. Thats where you need to be with your energy. Feel the wind, take walks whenever possible. Addiction is not what I should feed. This will pass.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Ok, now you have me crying my guts out. I concider that a good thing. Thanks. He's one of the best things that ever happened to me. And yet, we are unable to make it together. That's heart breaking. There has to be something good after this, or I wouldnt find myself in this place. This didn't happen out of the blue.. I am part of the decision and got to take responsability for that. Pfffwww. It helps to view it the other way round: what if we broke up and I were still smoking? Id probably broken my own no-smoking-in-the-house rule and be sitting here all depressed, smoking and everything. Yuk.

Thanks guys, for taking the time to answer. It means a lot to me. Good to be reminded about my own words and coping strategies as well. I need to see the two seperately. They are NOT connected. Stupid addiction voice makes me want to believe differently. Growing, healing, leaving suffocating patterns of the both of us behind... no connection with nicotine.

Thanks for your quick answer. Yes, we tried everything and for such a long time. I have to start accepting what stage we're at. And trust in that I will manage. I don't want to go that deep down anymore. I can cope, I have to.

I pressed enter too quick. Modified my post.

I don't know what to say or what not. My relationship is over, after way too long of arguing and trying and more trying. This is most definitely challenging quit-wise. Im not even sure if Im sad or mad or relieved, or maybe a weird mixture. Every 'reason' to smoke pops up, ofcourse. This relates to my biggest trigger : not caring anymore, because of feeling disconnected. Ive got to pull it from far. A smoke won't fix our problems and it won't heal us. I have to focus on the one thing that will help me, regardless of anything else: don't put anything in my mouth that's on fire.

Nope

Nope

Linda, I don't have wise words for you.. but I admire your courage and I can see that you are making immense choices. And writing it down, giving yourself a voice, is surely one of them. Take care and let nothing and no one come between you and your precious quit.

Nope, never again.

Thanks so much Jo. I haven't been this proud since the start of my adventure! Been smiling all day and spent a lot of thoughts on all the good things that really have been piling up lately. As a reward I took a long hard look at my savings (a stunning 1100 euro's). Planning on buying the Yamaha CLP-675 digital piano, so I got to keep saving for a little longer.. but heck, that's going to be the best gift ever! But rewards are truly noticeable.. and the best one is experiencing a strong sense of calmth. I'm not sure how to describe it.. but I feel...older? In a good way.. steadier, able to take my time to form an opinion, less prone to immediate emotion-driven reactions. Bleghh, not sure if what I mean comes through in english... I find it shocking to realise that, by smoking, I gave myself the message 'i am not ok by feeling/thinking/experiencing this' at least 24 times a day. See, I took comfort in smoking, supressing whatever surfaced in my mind. I'm adjusting to a new mentality: I am ok and the rest will follow. Though, one thing I don't agree on with you guys. I really didnt take time to cheer on newbies.. well yes, here and there. But not in a consistent way I see others do it. I must say that it's been a deliberate choice to focus on my own proces, especially when I had that period of extreme anxiety about writing on an open space forum like this one. I felt guilty at times, but decided I had to make myself prio no1, for once. And I am pretty sure I'll be paying it forward in my own way. Thanks again for your congratulations, I am entering my sixth month with a very positive vibe!

Dear Tammy, ahhh 7 months, congratulations on that! That's awesome. Often I saw you posting a nope just before I was going to, it was often so good to know someone far away had the same intention as I did. Upwards and onwards to 8 months!

IGT, I remember some earlier posts of you were you where very happy and even proud about yourself. Please think back of that and imagine yourself like that again, because that is how it will be soon enough! You will be proud, you will be relieved and you will be so happy about not giving up! How are you now?

Nope!

Tomorrow I'll be celebrating 5 months. And where part of the third and all of the fourth month honestly seemed like they never ended, the past fifth month was one of, uhm... whats it called? Reaping what Ive sown? I think I should start saying it out loud, because I cant go around it anymore, it's too darn obvious: my anxiety attacks are rapidly decreasing in number and in ferocity. Mind this: I came from 2 to 3 HEAVY attacks per week, where time in between was just too little to unwind. They varied from sudden, fullblown 30minute apocalypses, to gradual tension build up, which could last half a day and leave me completely numb. It's been like that for years. And now... I went down to 1 in two weeks, with bits and pieces of distress in between but totally incomparable to what its been. I believe part of that is because I'm paying so much more attention to what I need, when I need it ('HALT'!). I am really learning to just be with what I feel. And yep, it still s*cks from time to time. And then that's just that. And by the way, while writing this I still have this nagging voice that says something like, 'ahhh just wait... it'll be back soon enough...dont hold your hopes so high!.'. But I know that this isn't incidental. This is progress for the long run and I am going to be so, so, so sooooo very thankful for having quit and gaining peace of mind. And... I am growing a super mighty ' I won't' muscle. Applicable on a daily basis, to many non-smoking related things!

Hi, my tip would be: educate yourself about addiction, as much as possible. Education is key. You say smoking makes you believe it is the only thing you have for yourself. Well... un-learn that belief and get to know the truth. Oh and... while youre at it, don't smoke. Before you know it, you'll be somewhere around 5 months! ?

Nope

What a hero you are Linda, for so many reasons. Hang in there.